The Book of Jeff
1 Once upon a time in the holy land of New Jersey, a worried, young Pastafarian named Steve went to seek reassurance and solace from the leader of his congregation. 2 “Captain Jeff, Captain Jeff!” he cried. 3 “Every day I see more news that the scientists are finding more evidence for their theories. 4 Theories that contradict our beliefs! 5 I fear the Dark Lord Darwin is trying to tempt me with his reason. 6 I fear his power in this world is growing and the Pastafarians are doomed. 7 You must do something to stop him and his science!”
8 “Uh… 9 Dude, you give me way too much credit,” said Captain Jeff. 9 “I may be a leader of a congregation, but I’m actually pretty incompetent. 10 I’m not nearly powerful enough to smite Darwin, but don’t worry, our savior is coming. 11 Soon the Pastafarian messiah will be sent by the Flying Spaghetti Monster to vanquish Darwin.”
12 “Seriously?” asked Steve.
13 “You bet your ass, dude,” replied Captain Jeff.
14 “Will he be the son of the FSM?”
15 “Maybe,” answered Captain Jeff, “He does get around. 16 But he doesn’t really have to be the son of the FSM or even the FSM Himself in human form for him to be a good guy.”
17 “I see,” said Steve, “Can you tell me more?”
18 “Sure,” said Captain Jeff, “Just sit back and I’ll do some prophesizing.”
1 “The messiah will come soon, probably sometime in the next few years. He will go by many names: 2 Cheeses, our Commodore Cheeses, the Son of Manicotti, the Lamb Chops that were Eaten, Pasta of the FSM, and/or the Captain of Captains.
3 He won’t look like what we’d expect. 4 He will not be a midget, he might even be pretty tall. 5 He will not have peg leg or a hook for a hand, and there will be no parrot on his shoulder. 6 Oh, and he won’t be a fictional character, he’ll be very real.
7 His teachings might be a little unexpected too, at least for some Pastafarians. 8 He will promote the equality of all people, even ninjas. 9 He will endorse religious tolerance and speak out against those who make fun of the nonbelievers. 10 He will be sympathetic to the scientists, even though they are ruled by reason.
11 He will prove that he is in fact the messiah, but he won’t perform miracles to do so. 12 Miracles don’t prove much anyway. 13 Hell, David Copperfield made the Statue of Liberty disappear, and he’s no messiah. 14 Instead, he will be more like the FSM than any other man. 15 He’ll be an amazing prankster and will be pretty damn funny. 16 He’ll drink a hell of a lot of beer and he’ll be a big fan of strippers.
1 “Since we have no real Hell or negative afterlife location, the savior will have nothing to do with saving our souls. 2 But that doesn’t mean you get off easy and can be a dick. 3 And you won’t be saved just by believing in him and accepting his authority. 4 You gotta do some good deeds too.
5 The messiah will instead help us in this life by protecting us from Darwin’s coming enlightenment. 6 Humans by nature use reason. 7 Humans by nature base their knowledge on evidence and logic. 8 We have all been tempted by Darwin and we have all been tempted to go towards science. 9 Our savior will be so blinded from seeing evidence and reason, so faithful, that he will balance out our unhealthy logic to save us from the worst of the Apastalypse.
10 He will raise the colors for all ships and will assemble the dispersed outlaws of the seven seas. 11 He will be the Jolly Roger for all pirates and will unite all Pastafarians as one crew. 12 We will face the coming doom together. 13 Together we will man the cannons of our faith. 14 Together we will hoist our sails to cruise to calmer waters.
15 But sadly, the savior will be persecuted for our beliefs. 16 He will suffer greatly for our asses. 17 He will be made fun of and he will be threatened. 18 He will risk his life at the hands of fanatical nonbelievers and might even get kicked in the balls.
19 And it will be through the Messiah’s teachings, his faithfulness, and his suffering, that our Lord Glob, the Flying Spaghetti Monster, will smite Darwin and his scientific ways. 20 They will bring forth the Kingdom of Pasta and we will finally be rid of evidence and reason.”
1 “Whoa, that sounds pretty sweet,” said Steve.
2 “I know dude,” replied Captain Jeff, “It’ll be awesome. 3 So my brother in FSM, just sit tight for now. 4 Our salvation is near.”