here it is, the one you've been waiting for the longest, i think.
â€œwhar be thar marn irlanâ€™ â€˜e be cominâ€™ frum?â€ Pete asked Raul. â€œieeâ€¦.. mi no know,â€ Raul responded weekly, â€œâ€™ow is mi supposed to know? Mi never been near â€˜im!â€ â€œyarâ€¦â€ Pete said as he rubbed his chin in thought, â€œye said â€˜e cam frum thar west, righâ€™?â€ â€œSi.â€ â€œanâ€™ â€˜eâ€™s not hishpanic, likeâ€™n yerself, righâ€™?â€ â€œSi. â€˜e talked a lille like an english man, but something een â€˜is... personality, gave â€˜im aâ€¦ differentâ€¦ how you say, flavorâ€ â€œarr, so lorgically, â€˜eâ€™d be frum anarther country.â€ Pete deduced. â€œsi.. that is probably what eet was.â€ Raul said, thinking back. â€œAr, so we jarst needâ€™n te go te thar nearst countra, or corntinarntâ€¦â€ Pete said, scanning the map, â€œThar!â€ he stabbed a large, strangely shaped land mass with his cutlass, â€œthart islarnd.â€
Just then, Smid entered. â€œyo fooâ€™!â€ Pete gave him the evil eye, â€œeeeyuuuhâ€¦ ah mean uh... captian! de banditos stole alot uh de stuff needed t'sail fum our boat.â€ â€œWHARTâ€ Pete slammed his spare cutlass into the island on the map, â€œBLOODY HELL!â€ he breathed deeply, â€œarrâ€¦ marbye weâ€™s can farnd thar stuff in thar buildarn.â€ Then Ushnor and Hector came in, â€œsorry captianâ€¦â€ Ushnor said, â€œwe looked everywhere, but all we could find that wasnâ€™t damaged or on fire was this vat of melted cheese, and three and a half dead chickens.â€ â€œTHREE AND A HALF!â€ Pete said, stabbing the island with his hand, clutched as if it were holding a cutlass, â€œARRGH! THART HURTS! Iâ€™m runninâ€™ ourt oar tharngs te starb wirth!â€ the room was silent. â€œwarll, arnywarn know how te gert this boat offâ€™a thar larnd?â€ â€œwe could rowâ€¦â€ Ushnor suggested. â€œarg, well have to, all hands te thar garlley.â€
Ushnor and the rest of the pirates (not including Pete) went down to the galley and started rowing. Pete took full duty on steering the ship. After an hour, they were still in sight of land, the land behind them, so Pete prayed to the Flying Spaghetti Monster. â€œo marghty flarinâ€™ spargartti marnstar, hear me prayer, ar be needin forward momentum te reach thar Hell-hound guy.â€ After finishing, the boat speed up faster than Pete had ever seen it go. Within a few hours, Pete spotted land. The boat slowed down drastically, and they safely rowed into dock. Ushnor came up followed by the others. â€œwhere are we now?â€ Ushnor asked. â€œbehold, thar city oâ€™ Sydny.â€ Pete said, motioning to the docks. A man walked up to the ship. â€œitâ€™ll be 15 shillings to tie up your boat at the dock, and I will need your name.â€ he said. â€œyarâ€¦ about thart, how march would ye say thart thisâ€™n sword is warth?â€ Pete asked him. â€œoh, about 7 shillings Iâ€™d say.â€ â€œreally now?â€ Pete held the sword up to the mans neck, â€œchanged yer mind art all?â€ â€œah! Oh, yesâ€¦ well, in that case, Iâ€™d say its worth 15 shillings and a name, but you can have it for free.â€ He said nervously, â€œIâ€™m feeling very generous today!â€ and with that the man ran off to the other end of the docks.
Pete turned to his men. â€œUshnor, Smid, yeâ€™ll be arskin around fer information on thar hell-hound guy.â€ They nodded, and went to the nearest pub. â€œyou twoâ€¦ err, whart IS yer names?â€ Pete asked them. â€œIâ€™m Generic Pirate #1, and this is Generic Pirate #2â€ said one of them. â€œyarâ€¦ ye just star â€˜ere anâ€™ guard thar ship with Raul.â€ â€œaie aie aye capitan!â€ he responded. â€œHector, ye come with me. Ahâ€™ll be going te me cousins.â€ Pete said â€œwhy-a me, captina?â€ Hector asked. â€œyar, yeâ€™ll see.â€
They walked through the city for a while, Pete leading, seeming to know the way, but not recognize the streets. Eventually they came to a building, and entered, it was an apartment building. Pete and Hector went up two flights of stairs, and went down a long hallway. Pete stopped at Apartment 3-G, and knocked on the door.
A seemingly hungover man opened the door. He was wearing pajamas with pirate ships on them, and a pirate hat that was on crooked. Hector jumped back in fear; he thought the man was a zombie. â€œrelarx, Hector. â€˜tis only me third cousin, Frightening Pirate Paul.â€ â€œyar!?!?â€ Paul said, â€œwell tell â€˜I'm Iâ€™m not interarsheted. ar donâ€™t need any craszhy schplenda.â€ â€œargâ€¦ PAUL! Wake thar bloody hell up ya freakin barrel oâ€™ grog!â€ â€œIâ€™m shorry, nart tonight dearie, Iâ€™m too tired. Tommrow maybe.â€ Pete slapped Paul with his cutlass. That woke him up. â€œYAERG! WHART THE BLOODY HELL WAS THART FER!?!?!â€ Paul screamed. â€œfer beinâ€™n sarch a bloody drunkard!â€ pete yelled, â€œI mean, weâ€™re all pirates â€˜ere, but mistakin yer third cousin fer a broad? Whart the hellâ€™ve ye been drinkâ€™n?â€ â€œtheesh,â€ Paul said holding up a vodka mixer, â€œar be puttinâ€™ in yellow tail, some burgandy, alart oâ€™ vodka, and a wee tad oâ€™ budwieserâ€ he turned his head down, â€œmakes it taste like piss. Nart time Iâ€™m leavinâ€™ it outâ€ he mumbled, â€œarnyway, whart are ye doinâ€™ â€˜ere cous?â€ â€œah wars going te arsk ye thart!â€ Pete said loudly, â€œyer thar one who sent me thar urgent telegrarm!â€ â€œI did?â€ Paul said, blinking, â€œoh, yes, I did! Silly me.â€ â€œsoâ€¦â€ Pete said, his anger growing, â€œwhy thar hell arm I HERE!?!?!?!?â€ â€œokary! okay! carlm down!â€ Paul said, â€œarh asked ye here cos arh needs sarm help with Fitch A. Skeins.â€ â€œagairn?â€ Pete asked. â€œyar, see, I owes â€˜im sarm money...â€ Paul said, â€œand Iâ€™ve owed â€˜im thars fer a whileâ€¦â€ â€œagain?â€ Pete asked. â€œyeahâ€¦ arnyway, heâ€™ll be â€˜ere te kill me soon, unless arhâ€™ve got thar money.â€ Paul said, â€œcould ye harve any te spare?â€ â€œNAR! Ahâ€™ve lost all a marn te some banditos! Ahâ€™ve tracked em here, but still, I havnâ€™t go no marny.â€ Pete yelled. â€œarg, arighâ€™ meet me in thar Ruschty Schcupper, a local pub, in two hoursch time.â€ He said to Pete and Hector, â€œI gotta find me pantschâ€¦â€ he mumbled to himself.
â€œwell-a, now-a I-a know why-a heâ€™s called-a frightening-a pirate paul-aâ€ Hector said as they left the apartment and walked out to the city. â€œwhar? Nar, nar, frighterning pirate paul, nar paulinar.â€ Pete corrected. â€œthatâ€™s-a what-a I said-a!â€ Hector protested. â€œnarâ€¦ jarst, ferguet it.â€ Pete said. They walked down to the docks where the boat was to check on it. It was in ship-shape, seeing as it was still shaped like a ship. But apparently someone had TPed it while they were gone. The two generic pirates were cleaning up the mess. â€œyar, how thar hellâ€™d thars happen with thar tar yar on thar guard?â€ Pete asked ferociously. â€œsorry capâ€™n, weâ€™s was sleepinâ€™ on duty.â€ Said #1 â€œtâ€™wonâ€™t happen again capâ€™nâ€ said #2. â€œargâ€¦ bettar be, ahâ€™ve had that ship since... sinceâ€¦ arg, I canna remember thart well, sâ€™bern changinâ€™ ships so march. Lerts goâ€
Pete and Hector went down to the nearest pub, the salty seahorse, and asked if anyone had seen Ushnor or Smid. They were greeted with beaming faces of disgust and hate. They were promptly thrown out of the pub. They got the same reaction from three other pubs, but finally they entered, coincidentally, the Rusty Scupper and saw Ushnor and Smid talking with this blind guy in rags and two eyepatches.
â€œyar, whart be going on ar?â€ Pete asked, â€œye got thar information ar whart?â€ â€œoh yeah, we got some!â€ Ushnor said, half drunk, â€œthis guy here, says he used to work for the Hell Hound, only he was called something else.â€ â€œyar, and whart be thart?â€ Pete asked, impatiently. â€œâ€™s Cerberusâ€ Smid replied, also partially drunk.
Suddenly, the door burst down, and a tall, dark haired and dashing Pirate entered the room. â€œwell, whatâ€™s on the menu today mates?â€
howabout that, eh?
But if I stop bugging you I'll have to go back to arguing with Qwerty about whether beauty is truth and precisely what we both mean by 'purple'
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