The Book of Ruthie
1 Now it came to pass in the days when the captains ruled, that there was a shortage of Spanish galleons to raid. 2 And a certain pirate of Bethlehem went to sojourn in the country of England, he and daughter. 3 And the name of the pirate was Elimelech (Hebrew for ‘Pasta with cream sauce), and the name of his daughter was Naomi. 4 And they came into the country of England, and continued there. 5 But the English were big fans of the Dark Lord Darwin. 6 And Elimelech, Naomi’s father, was strung up for piracy and she was left alone to hide from the King’s men.
1 And she met a Christian woman, Ruthie, and it was love at first sight. 2 After several dates, Naomi said unto Ruthie, “I am the daughter of a pirate, and if you associate with me the English will hang you along with me. So go, and save yourself.”
3 But Ruth embraced her, saying,
“Do not press me to leave you
or to turn back from following you!
Where you go, I will go;
where you lodge, I will lodge;
your people (pirates) shall be my people (pirates),
and your god my god (as it is cool if you are both Christian and Pastafarian).
4 Where you die, I will die—
there I will be buried.
May the FSM do thus and so to me,
and more as well,
if even death parts me from you!”
5 When Naomi saw that she was determined to go with her, she said no more to her. 6 But still not wanting to dance the hempen jig, they went back to live together in Bethlehem.
1 Years passed, and one day, Ruthie came home from a day’s work of plundering and she greeted Naomi. 2 And Naomi said unto her, “Call me not Naomi, call me Pissed Off, for our Lord Glob has dealt bitterly with me.”
3 “Why? What happened?” asked Ruthie.
4 “Some people were making fun of us for being gay. And the FSM did nothing to stop their criticism yet again.”
5 And there was thunder and whirling wind, and the FSM did descend from Heaven. 6 “My ears are burning. 7 Really, I overcooked myself. 8 I know, I know, bad joke. 9 Anyway… 10 Heathens!” He boomed, “Gays shall burn on the great stove of Hell for all eternity!” 11 He paused, “Nah, I’m just messing with you. 12 We don’t even have a Hell, much less a great stove. 13 But really, you’re not hurting anyone. 14 You can live your life however the hell you want.”
15 “That’s what we tell people,” said Ruthie, “But we are still condemned.”
16 “Seriously?” inquired the FSM, somewhat puzzled, “If I didn’t want you to be gay I would’ve made you straight. 17 Der.”
18 “I know, but they say homosexuality is a choice,” Naomi added.
19 “Shit, even that argument doesn’t work. 20 I’m totally omnipotent; therefore anything you do is the result of my will. 21 So it is still because of me that you’re gay.”
22 “I dunno, they’re kinda dumb,” replied Ruthie.
23 “Chillax. 24 It’ll all work out in time. 25 And for now, just ignore the stupid ones. 26 They’re stupid,” the FSM said compassionately (cause He’s freaking God, and He’s supposed to be compassionate).
27 And Ruthie and Naomi walked away as the camera panned out. “You know ‘Naomi’ is ‘I moan’ spelled backwards?” Ruthie said.
28 “You totally stole that from Van Wilder,” Naomi replied.
29 And they lived happily ever after.