The Official Loose Canon Submission Spot

[DaveL]

The Official Loose Canon Submission Spot
by Platypus Enthusiast on Mon May 24, 2010 7:59 am

Ok guys, the First Edition of the Loose Canon is coming out this week, and to make it easier to compile the next edition, I ask that anyone who wants to submit material to please use this thread. I've got a list of the submission threads for the major categories below. If you're submission doesn't fit one the those categories or you don't know where it should go, you can just post it to this thread.

Old Pastament:
Genesis/History viewtopic.php?f=15&t=1159
Law viewtopic.php?f=15&t=11869
Law (The Book of Clarifications) viewtopic.php?f=15&t=11820
Pastalms viewtopic.php?t=1101
ProvHerbs viewtopic.php?t=1100
Misc Artsy Writings viewtopic.php?f=15&t=14783
Prophecy viewtopic.php?f=15&t=11943

New Pastament:
Gospels viewtopic.php?f=15&t=1131
The Acts of the Apastals viewtopic.php?f=15&t=11819
Epastals (Fiction) viewtopic.php?f=15&t=1150
Epastals (Nonfiction) viewtopic.php?f=15&t=11826
Revelations 1 viewtopic.php?f=15&t=1134
Revelations 2 viewtopic.php?f=15&t=11868

Official Prayer Book:
Prayers viewtopic.php?t=1619


Also, a few pointers and thoughts for the next Council of Olive Garden in the off-chance we aren't around for the next edition.

-Several books of the canon are compilations and can/should be added to; The Random Number of Not Commandments, Suggestions, Pastalms, The Book of ProvHerbs, The Acts of the Apastals, Revelations 1: The Book of Revealed Crapola, The Official Pastafarian Prayer Book.

-I personally think the Gospels, Acts, and the Epastals should be mostly nonfiction. So letters to real people, Apastals that aren't just fictional characters, and gospels about a realish messiah (Since we don't have one yet, we decided not to put in any gospels). But I'm no authority, so this trend doesn't have to be continued.

-We decided not to edit anything, except for numbering and formatting issues (consistent font size, font, color) or remove any texts canonized by the First Council. We figure since these are supposed to be divine texts, changing it would go against what the FSM wanted (plus I'm lazy). Again, this was our personal choice and future Councils may differ. However, if texts are changed in the future, it could screw up stuff people had previously quoted. I figure at least you shouldn't take out any texts.

-I chose not to number the prayers cause I think it works better. Like, who quotes a single line of a prayer? But again, I could be wrong.

That's all I can think of now. Have fun guys.

[Platypus Enthusiast]

Pastalm XXVI
1 Oh Lord Glob, so many ninjas rise up against us. Many are they that siege our fort.
2 Their agile assassins dodge our arrows. They scale our walls unhindered.
3 Our mightiest berserkers, as insane and as blind to their senses as Thou would have all men, fall by the ninjas’ blades.
4 Thou art too dumb to notice our slaughter. Thou doth not intervene to stop the carnage.
5 And yet, Thou art wise. For Thou hath intelligently created divine agents to do Thy bidding.
6 And so Thy Valkyrie descends from the Heavens upon a winged albatross; she is the beautiful maiden Skuld, protector of battle-weary Vikings.
7 Her golden hair flows dramatically behind her. Her pale blue eyes shine forth from beneath her helm.
8 Swooping down with her pure white steed, she smites ninja after ninja. Her spear drives their warriors from our men.
9 With the angel by my side, I do not fear the ten million murderous barbarians that have set themselves round me.
10 And yet, I lament. Verily, she is a lesser divinity, but she has earned more of my love than the Flying Spaghetti Monster Himself.
11 Will He be jealous and pissy for my idolatry? Must I be struck down for dreaming of a better, ninja-free future?
12 But even worse than the incomprehensible wrath of a drunken, immature, and omnipotent God, is knowing that Skuld the Valkyrie cannot stay with me.
13 She is of the spiritual world, and I, the material. The brief contact we had was simply miraculous.
14 So I must go on alone. I must hold up my own shield against the ninja horde.
15 And yet, why shall I bother worrying? All is His will, and all I can do is go with the flow, like flotsam upon the tide.

[Platypus Enthusiast]

The Book of Ruthie
Chapter 1
1 Now it came to pass in the days when the captains ruled, that there was a shortage of Spanish galleons to raid. 2 And a certain pirate of Bethlehem went to sojourn in the country of England, he and daughter. 3 And the name of the pirate was Elimelech (Hebrew for ‘Pasta with cream sauce), and the name of his daughter was Naomi. 4 And they came into the country of England, and continued there. 5 But the English were big fans of the Dark Lord Darwin. 6 And Elimelech, Naomi’s father, was strung up for piracy and she was left alone to hide from the King’s men.

Chapter 2
1 And she met a Christian woman, Ruthie, and it was love at first sight. 2 After several dates, Naomi said unto Ruthie, “I am the daughter of a pirate, and if you associate with me the English will hang you along with me. So go, and save yourself.”
3 But Ruth embraced her, saying,
“Do not press me to leave you
or to turn back from following you!
Where you go, I will go;
where you lodge, I will lodge;
your people (pirates) shall be my people (pirates),
and your god my god (as it is cool if you are both Christian and Pastafarian).
4 Where you die, I will die—
there I will be buried.
May the FSM do thus and so to me,
and more as well,
if even death parts me from you!”
5 When Naomi saw that she was determined to go with her, she said no more to her. 6 But still not wanting to dance the hempen jig, they went back to live together in Bethlehem.

Chapter 3
1 Years passed, and one day, Ruthie came home from a day’s work of plundering and she greeted Naomi. 2 And Naomi said unto her, “Call me not Naomi, call me Pissed Off, for our Lord Glob has dealt bitterly with me.”
3 “Why? What happened?” asked Ruthie.
4 “Some people were making fun of us for being gay. And the FSM did nothing to stop their criticism yet again.”
5 And there was thunder and whirling wind, and the FSM did descend from Heaven. 6 “My ears are burning. 7 Really, I overcooked myself. 8 I know, I know, bad joke. 9 Anyway… 10 Heathens!” He boomed, “Gays shall burn on the great stove of Hell for all eternity!” 11 He paused, “Nah, I’m just messing with you. 12 We don’t even have a Hell, much less a great stove. 13 But really, you’re not hurting anyone. 14 You can live your life however the hell you want.”
15 “That’s what we tell people,” said Ruthie, “But we are still condemned.”
16 “Seriously?” inquired the FSM, somewhat puzzled, “If I didn’t want you to be gay I would’ve made you straight. 17 Der.”
18 “I know, but they say homosexuality is a choice,” Naomi added.
19 “Shit, even that argument doesn’t work. 20 I’m totally omnipotent; therefore anything you do is the result of my will. 21 So it is still because of me that you’re gay.”
22 “I dunno, they’re kinda dumb,” replied Ruthie.
23 “Chillax. 24 It’ll all work out in time. 25 And for now, just ignore the stupid ones. 26 They’re stupid,” the FSM said compassionately (cause He’s freaking God, and He’s supposed to be compassionate).
27 And Ruthie and Naomi walked away as the camera panned out. “You know ‘Naomi’ is ‘I moan’ spelled backwards?” Ruthie said.
28 “You totally stole that from Van Wilder,” Naomi replied.
29 And they lived happily ever after.

[Platypus Enthusiast]

The Wisdom of the Great Pirate Solomon

As transcribed by Aba Sababa

For three years, the Great Pirate Solomon waited for the famed Queen Semolina to come hither, and pay her whole-wheat respects to his Beardliness. The Great Pirate Solomon had grown weary of the tender caresses of his local breast collection. He longed for something exotic, something royal, something with a hint of tarragon, perhaps. Legends abound over the beauty of Queen Semolina, and there have been rumors floating around the court that Jeff the Naked Guy was ordered to don a mask with the Queen’s likeness, that the Great Pirate Solomon might experience but a taste of the pleasures soon to come. Jeff neither confirms nor denies these rumors.
Of course, the real reason that the Great Pirate Solomon wanted to meet Queen Semolina was because he loved fiddles. As the Great Pirate Solomon, he was the mightiest fiddler in the land. The Great Pirate Solomon prided himself on having never lost a fiddle-off. Normally, there would be detractors muttering under their breath that blah, blah, he’s not actually that great and just really murders everyone else who’s better which is why the basilica scene is so beat right now, but these people were recently executed en masse on account of their shitty taste in un-Piratey music, as per royal decree from his Bearded Excellence.
In any case, the Great Pirate Solomon, like all men named Solomon, really wanted to assert his general dominance over the citizens of the world. Word had it that Queen Semolina was a very talented fiddler, and the Great Pirate Solomon itched for a chance to slay her in public and accept his obligatory victor’s blowjob in the city commons.
One day, the Great Pirate Solomon received word that Queen Semolina was indeed coming, and that she was packin’ catgut. The Great Pirate Solomon became very excited. He immediately called the Devil, and they had themselves a horn-tootin’ hootnanny to prepare the Great Pirate Solomon for his Great Pirate Fiddle-Off. The Great Pirate Solomon made sure to inform Jeff the Naked Guy that he would like his pubes shaved precisely a single hour before the arrival of Queen Semolina, for maximum baby-smooth softness. “You can’t appear before your kingdom with hairy balls,” said the Great Pirate Solomon to Jeff, who duly noted the quip in his “For When I Become a Great Pirate” notebook.
The day finally arrived, and all the people gathered from afar to watch the biblical battle between the Great Pirate Solomon and Queen Semolina. The smart money was on the Great Pirate Solomon, but I know a guy who’ll give you excellent odds on Semolina. See me after the story, yeah?
All eyes were on Semolina’s tent as she emerged, tits ablaze. This was one funky mother. “One hundred percent Durum, baby!” she exclaimed. “You ready for this shit, big boy?”
“As ready as I’ll ever be,” replied the Great Pirate Solomon.
“Good. Have at you!”
And off they went. They fiddled for hours. Hours turned into days, and days into weeks. The people were riveted until supper. It turns out there are only so many times you can fucking square dance to fucking fiddle tunes before you want to punch your wife in the jaw. It wasn’t helping that some douchebag cracked one about how we should all put a roof underneath the Great Pirate Solomon and Queen Semolina, and that particular outburst had the whole province in stitches for at least thirty minutes while you could barely even bend down and re-tie your sandals.
But I digress! The Great Pirate Solomon did not intend to lose his first fiddle battle to a woman, no matter how excruciatingly perfect her breasts may have been. And Queen Semolina refused to secede to a man, a pirate, a Great Pirate! especially one that clearly hadn’t showered in a fortnight. So the battle raged on, and on, until one day Jeff the Naked guy dropped dead and the Great Pirate Solomon froze in shock. He had forgotten to turn Jeff off since his last conjugal visit. The Queen Semolina mask was still taped on to his face. The Great Pirate Solomon wept for forty days and forty nights, and we’re not quite sure what the “Jeff is dead” to “I just lost my first fiddle battle” weep ratio was. Queen Semolina promptly returned to her native land to great aplomb, bearing the emasculation and utter defeat of the Great Pirate Solomon.