Loose Canon Submissions - The Old Pastament

Submit your scriptural writings for inclusion in the Loose Canon, and your tales of ancient FSM Lore, as well as any other FSM-related writing you may have.

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Loose Canon Submissions - The Old Pastament

Postby Platypus Enthusiast on Tue May 24, 2011 5:25 pm

Ok mateys, so we at the Third Council of Olive Garden have begun thinking about putting together a second edition of the Canon. But we have restructured the way we're doing it to make compilation easier and more organized. So anything written in the spirit of the Old Testament can be submitted here. So stuff like history, law, prophecy, as well as artistic stuff like the Pastalms and wisdom stuff like Provherbs or if you use Old Testament characters. Stuff written in the style of ancient rabbinic literature can go here as well. Also, if you have something that doesn't quite fit those guidelines, but you think it should go here, then by all means, go for it. Also, if you want, check out the First Edition of the Loose Canon here http://loose-canon.fsm-consortium.com/the-loose-canon/ for reference.
Check out an official Pastafarian holy book, the Loose Canon: http://loose-canon.fsm-consortium.com/the-loose-canon/

"With Him, All Things are Pasta-Bowl."
-ProvHerbs 3:35
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Re: Loose Canon Submissions - The Old Pastament

Postby Platypus Enthusiast on Tue May 24, 2011 6:13 pm

The Torahtellini Part 1

Chapter 1 – A Contradictory Account of the Genesis
1 In the beginning, the Flying Spaghetti Monster made some stuff in like a week or something. 2 He was drunk a good deal of the time, so the whole account is a little sketchy. 3 But at some point He made a midgit out of dirt. 4 And it all was pretty sweet.

5 The FSM then planted the Olive Garden of Eden, where He put the midgit that He had made. 6 Then in His infinite wisdom, He planted the Pine Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, which served absolutely no purpose. 7 And the Lord Glob commanded the midgit, saying, “Of every tree in the garden you may eat freely, except for the Pine Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. 8 You shall not eat of it, for in the day that you do eat from it, you shall surely die. DIE. Scary right?”

9 And the FSM didn’t want Midgit to be lonely, so He made dinosaurs and such to keep him company. 10 But Midgit wasn’t a big fan of the dinosaurs, as Velociraptors eat things, and he was a thing that was bite sized. 11 So the FSM made from the dirt an equal creature, a lady midgit, and brought her unto Midgit. 12 And the lady midgit said, “Because I am a midgit and a lady, I am named Lady Midgit.” 13 And they were both bare-assed, and they were not ashamed.

14 Now the snake was one of the craftiest of all of the FSM’s creatures. 15 And the snake said unto Lady Midgit and Midgit, “The pine nuts from the Pine Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil are pretty delicious. 16 Also, if you eat them, you will no longer be idiots, and will know right from wrong, which is nice too. 17 You guys should try them.”

18 “No, we cannot. The Pine Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil is off-limits and eating its nuts will kill us,” they said.

19 “Don’t worry about it,” the snake replied, 20 “First, you won’t die. 21 The whole creation thing has gone to the FSM’s head and He’s been overly dramatic lately. 22 Second, there’s really no good reason for him to deny the pine nuts from the Pine Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil from you. 23 Again, He’s just being an idiot.”

24 And so the couple ate pine nuts from the Pine Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil and indeed, they were delicious. 25 And they were no longer idiots and now had morality. 26 They saw that they were naked and became embarrassed. 27 So they made leaves into hats to wear.

28 And the FSM wanted to go to the bar and went looking for the midgit couple so they could buy Him a beer. 29 When He came upon them, He saw that they had become aware of their nakedness and became angry, 30 “Hats! You know you’re naked!? 31 You ate my nuts (yeah, lame joke), didn’t you?!”

32 “The snake pointed out that You had no good reason to not let us eat the pine nuts,” they said meekly.

33 “Grrrrrr,” growled the FSM, but then he paused, “Oh, well I guess I really don’t have a good reason… 34 and I guess it would be unbelievably dumb to give you free will but not morality. 35 And because you have shown me the error of my ways,” He said to the snake, “I shall make you a divine creature. 36 And from now on, you shall resemble My noodly appendage,” 37 He turned to the midgits, “And you two midgits, you don’t have to stay here in the Garden just so I have people to kiss my ass. 38 I shall bestow upon you puny mortals independence. 39 So go forth, be fruitful and multiply. That means have sex.”

Chapter 2 – The Dawn of Evil
1 And Midgit “knew” Lady Midgit and she conceived and bore a son, Cain. 2 After a second “knowing”, Lady Midgit bore another son, Abel. 3 Their parents raised them to be good Pastafarians. 4 Abel had great respect for his noodly Lord and would always offer the FSM finely cooked fettuccine alfredo and baked ziti. 5 But Cain, lazier and kind of a douche, offered only cheap macaroni and cheese.

6 And one time, the FSM, drunk and hungry, said unto Cain, “What gives puny mortal? 7 Thou shall be more like your brother, and give me good food. 8 For I am your god and ye shall kiss My ass.”

9 Cain replied, “Bite me.”

10 And in a drunken rage, the FSM banished Cain to Antarctica. 11 He cursed Cain, and turned him into a penguin, the unholiest of creatures (See the Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster). 12 Cain, outraged at the FSM, decided to get even by making new being, Frostenstein the Snowdemon, an evil monster bent on opposing the FSM and destroying the midgitkind. 13 In a grotesque parody of the FSM’s noodly appendages, Frostenstein is covered in icicles. 14 They are cold and tasteless. 15 Instead of their touch helping people, they pierce and chill. 16 Frostenstein and Cain devised a vile teaching that goes against all the FSM is about, Science. 17 Between the Science, VD incrusted fallen strippers, and army of demented snowman, Frostenstein strikes down all the midgits he can find.

18 But the FSM, who had sobered up for a couple minutes, went back to Cain, apologized, and unpenguinified him. 19 But Cain was worried about Frostenstein, the evil menace he created. 20 And the FSM said that it was cool, since He could use a good opponent to keep Him on His toes and solves a big freaking dilemma, since the FSM is all good, can’t create evil Himself. 21 And so, for thousands of years, the FSM and Frostenstein would battle.

22 But Frostenstein, being made out snow and ice, had a limited range and could only kill people in the winter. 23 So he decided to play FSM and genetically engineered himself into a scary sea monster, the Kraken. 24 Keeping with the mockery of the noodly appendages, he grew slimey and difficult to chew tentacles. 25 For a few hundred years, he swam the seas, eating all the pirates in his path. 26 The pirates dwindled, but a renewed force would emerge in the Golden Age of Piracy, the Buccaneers, a combined force of all four Pirate Fleets (more on that later) who would challenge the Kraken for supremacy of the sea.

27 So the Kraken again changed form. 28 The demon became Davy Jones, a tentacle faced creature and not only a caricature of the FSM, but of mankind as well. 29 He formed his own dark realm in the ocean depths, the Locker. 30 There he forced those he corrupted with constant schooling and boring education. 31 The pious pirates who would not convert faced his phantom ship’s cannons or his rusty cutlass blade.

32 But Davy Jones’ form was intimidating and it was hard to have serious talks with men in order to corrupt them. 33 He found a young man, studying to be a holy captain in an English tavern. 34 This man, Charles Darwin, was wealthy and had a lot of connections and therefore influential among men. 35 Davy Jones struck Darwin down and assumed his identity. 36 He formed his most insulting satire of His noodly appendages yet, a gray, itchy beard that wasn’t nearly as appetizing as pasta. 37 The new Darwin was the most powerful incarnation of evil ever. 38 He used his influence to corrupt mankind with his new trick, the Deception of Evolution. 39 But worse, he convinced the ninjas, longtime enemies of the pirates, to begin a great purge of the pirate race (See Darwin’s Purge).

Chapter 3 – The Great Accidental Smiting of Almost All of Mankind
1 And Abel begat Enos, who begat Cainan, who begat Mahalaleel, who begat Jared, who begat Enoch, who begat Methuselah, who begat Lamech, who begat Noah. 2 And Noah was five hundred years old and Noah begat Ham, Cheese, and Omel.

3 One day, the FSM was drunk and hungry and decided to cook some pasta. 4 But in His inebriated clumsiness, He spilled the sauce. 5 Meanwhile, down on Earth, Noah saw a cascade of spaghetti sauce pouring down from the heavens and rolling over the desert. 6 “Jesus Christ!” he shouted, 7 “Everybody get on the boat!” 8 Noah, a typical lazy Pastafarian, did not build said boat, but bought it, for a pretty good price actually.

9 So Noah and his family were saved, simply by accident, while the rest of mankind was washed away by the flood of spaghetti sauce, also by accident, but an epically much crappier accident. 10 The FSM, seeing what He had done, hurried down to Earth to help, but still being drunk, only grabbed non-human animals from the red waves. 11 Also, being lazy, He stacked all the animals on Noah’s boat, saying, “Don’t worry puny mortal, I’ll give you credit.” 12 And the FSM stumbled back up to heaven to watch some TV and pass out.

13 Over a month later, Noah and his family, having eaten most of the dinosaurs and knee deep in animal poo, were still floating on the global sea of sauce. 14 On the fortieth day, the FSM was drunk and hungry, and seeing all that sauce on Earth, His eyes lit up and He went down and sopped it all up with some good Italian bread. 15 He saw Noah’s family, the last humans, and the countless dead bodies. 16 “Oops,” He said.

17 “Dick,” said Noah.

Chapter 4 – Pirate Fleets Descend from Noah
1 This is the account of the descendents of Noah’s sons, Ham, Cheese, and Omel; children were born to them after the Flood. 2 The sons would spread across the Earth on the backs of dinosaurs and people the world (3 except for the Native Americans, Africans, and Australian Aborigines who I guess came from some other god capable of creating humans).

4 Omel stayed on the coast of the Mediterranean, mostly because his Ankylosaurus was so damn slow. 5 He begat many sons, one, Nimrod, went unto Israel and begat some more sons leading to Abraham, who begat Ishmael and Isaac.

6 Ishmael would go unto the Far East (bringing the idea of pasta with him) and start a great pirate clan there, the Wokou. 7 Some prophets, Lao Tzu, Chuang Tzu, and Confucius would be of the Wokou Fleet. 8 Mongols, who did not eat the divine meal of pasta, but only horse blood (for reals) and so had not been touched by His noodly appendage. 9 These conquerors would spread east, battling the Wokou. 10 The Eastern Pastafarians, in their time of trouble, would build a monument to the FSM in the image of His noodly appendage, in an attempt to gain His favor. 11 The FSM wasn’t paying any attention, but thankful, the monument acted as a great wall, and held off the Mongols.

12 Isaac would buy a summer home in Italy as it’s so damn hot in Israel come summertime. 13 His descendents would form another great pirate group, the Corsairs. 14 Some prophets, Pirate Mosey, Captain Dave, and the Great Pirate Solomon would be of the Corsair Fleet. 15 But the descendents of Omel, with the exception of Abraham’s lineage, would become corrupt and turn away from the FSM, plagiarizing His teachings, worshipping heathen gods, and harboring ninjas. 16 This would lead to the great Pirato-Ninja Wars, and for generations, the pious Corsair captains would battle the ninja threat on the Mediterranean.

17 Cheese went unto India on a pterodactyl (which the FSM doth proclaim to be a dinosaur to piss off the smart-ass paleontologists). 18 His descendents, another pirate Fleet, the Samudra-dasyu, would spread north in to Central Asia, and as far east as Iran; 19 their Fleet would sail the Indian Ocean and their gurus were among the best Pastafarian theologians. 20 Some prophets, Ramanuja, Cārvāka, and Kamsa would be of the Samudra-dasyu Fleet. 21 But ninjas disguised as holy men, going by the name of Hari Krishnas (kṛṣṇa being a Pastafarian demigod), would bring war to India and decimate the Samudra-dasyu’s numbers.

22 Ham would go unto Scandanavia on a Triceratops. 23 His descendents would favor cod to spaghetti, which distanced them from the FSM. 24 The resulted in an increase in their height, which they noticed and realized the error in their ways. 25 They formed the Society for Piratical Renewal aka the Vikings, the fourth Pirate Fleet. 26 They would eventually move south forming the Germanic and Celtic civilizations. 27 The great Pastafarian priests of the Celts, the Druids, were renowned for their theology. 28 Some prophets, Bobby Henderson, Ushnor, and Ulf Hamson would be of the Viking Fleet. 29 The corrupt Omelite tribe, the Romans, would invade and kill off most of the Celts, and the Germans invaded in retaliation, beating the Romans, but losing many of their pirates in the process.

30 The Four Fleets, crippled by ninjas, Mongols, Hari Krishnas, and Romans, and the Kraken, would see a reprieve, and at the peak of the Golden Age of Piracy, would merge into a new Pirate Fleet, the Buccaneers. 31 Some prophets, Long John Silver, the Sea-Cook, Captain Jack Sparrow, and Black Bob would be of the Buccaneer Fleet. 32 These devout and pious pirates would sail across the seven seas, spreading His word and doing good deeds.

Chapter 5 – The Ivory Tower of Babel
1 Now the whole Earth had one religion, one single train of thought dominated by the FSM. 2 And the puny mortals said to one another, “Come, let us think for ourselves. 3 Let us figure out how the world works and not just take the FSM’s word for it. 4 You know how much of a drunk He is.”

5 And they built a great university, the Ivory Tower of Babel, and began solving the mysteries of the universe. 6 Then the FSM came down to the Tower, which the puny mortals had built. 7 And the FSM said, “Look, they are one people, and they have one great academy; and this is only the beginning of what they will do; nothing that they propose to do will be impossible for them. 8 That’s nice… 9 Oh shit! My illusion! 10 They’re gonna figure out that the world isn’t nearly as old as I made it look. 11 Come, let us go down, and confuse their academics, so that it is split into many fields: philosophy, science, theology, art, and mathematics. 12 And so they will constantly argue over whose field is better, and they will never accomplish anything.”

13 And the FSM did that.

Chapter 6 – The Humbling of the Lord Glob
1 These are the descendents of Nimrod: some guys begat more guys who begat another guy who begat Abraham. 2 And the FSM decided it was time to finally get the whole pirate thing rolling. 3 He decided in His infinite wisdom that this random guy, Abraham, would be the first pirate. 4 And the FSM came unto Abraham. 5 “Abraham!” boomed the FSM overdramatically, “I am your Lord Glob, the creator of the world and God of the first midgit and tree!”

6 Abraham looked up, “Hey.”

7 The FSM was a little confused, “You’re not impressed? 8 You’re supposed to be in awe and bow or something.”

9 “Meh,” said Abraham, 10 “Whatevs dude.”

11 “Oh, hmm, well anyway, I’ve decided to make your descendents great pirates who will sail the seven seas and stuff.”

12 “That’s pretty cool. 13 But there’s a problem; I’m impotent.”

14 “No worries,” said the FSM, 15 “I’m totally omnipotent, I’ll take care of it. 16 So, some of my heavenly strippers just got back from Sodom and Gomorra and they tell me there’s all kinds of freaky sex there. 17 So let’s head over there, get smashed, and try out your new virility.”

18 “Haha, ok dude.”

19 And they went unto a seedy bar in Sodom, and later, drunkenly stumbled over to a strip joint in Gomorra. 20 The FSM and Abraham got laid and there was much rejoicing. 21 The next morning, a hooker was pregnant with Abraham’s son and the FSM had the clap. 22 And the FSM was displeased, as He hates getting gonorrhea.

23 “Roar!” roared the FSM, 24 “That damn lady gave me gonorrhea! 25 I hate getting gonorrhea! 26 I will smite everyone in those cities for this!”

27 “Dude,” said Abraham, 28 “Screw that. 29 First, not everyone there gave you crabs. 30 Second, you should’ve been smart and worn a condom. 31 Third, you’re a god; you should be more responsible than that. 32 Like seriously dude, have you read the last five chapters? 33 You’re a total douche. 34 If you want people to like you and worship you, you need to be much cooler.”

35 “Wow dude, You’re [sic] right,” the FSM said meekly, 36 “I gotta get my act together. 37 You’re a good friend for not fearing me and being honest with me. 38 We’re like totally biffles, so no more formalities, I will call you Abe. 39 And from now on, I will make it clear to my people that I am imperfect. 40 No more ego, no more self-centeredness. 41 I will request that my followers critique me and call me on any errors or misdeeds. 42 I will also request that they must not rely solely on me for help. 43 I will put in an effort, but jackass that I am, they should focus on helping each other. 44 These are the two greatest of my suggestions.”

45 “Sweet,” said Abe.

46 “Heck yes,” said the FSM, 47 “Come, let us celebrate and go get smashed.”
Check out an official Pastafarian holy book, the Loose Canon: http://loose-canon.fsm-consortium.com/the-loose-canon/

"With Him, All Things are Pasta-Bowl."
-ProvHerbs 3:35
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Re: Loose Canon Submissions - The Old Pastament

Postby Platypus Enthusiast on Tue May 24, 2011 6:19 pm

Pastalm XXVI
1 Oh Lord Glob, so many ninjas rise up against us. Many are they that siege our fort.
2 Their agile assassins dodge our arrows. They scale our walls unhindered.
3 Our mightiest berserkers, as insane and as blind to their senses as Thou would have all men, fall by the ninjas’ blades.
4 Thou art too dumb to notice our slaughter. Thou doth not intervene to stop the carnage.
5 And yet, Thou art wise. For Thou hath intelligently created divine agents to do Thy bidding.
6 And so Thy Valkyrie descends from the Heavens upon a winged albatross; she is the beautiful maiden Skuld, protector of battle-weary Vikings.
7 Her golden hair flows dramatically behind her. Her pale blue eyes shine forth from beneath her helm.
8 Swooping down with her pure white steed, she smites ninja after ninja. Her spear drives their warriors from our men.
9 With the angel by my side, I do not fear the ten million murderous barbarians that have set themselves round me.
10 And yet, I lament. Verily, she is a lesser divinity, but she has earned more of my love than the Flying Spaghetti Monster Himself.
11 Will He be jealous and pissy for my idolatry? Must I be struck down for dreaming of a better, ninja-free future?
12 But even worse than the incomprehensible wrath of a drunken, immature, and omnipotent God, is knowing that Skuld the Valkyrie cannot stay with me.
13 She is of the spiritual world, and I, the material. The brief contact we had was simply miraculous.
14 So I must go on alone. I must hold up my own shield against the ninja horde.
15 And yet, why shall I bother worrying? All is His will, and all I can do is go with the flow, like flotsam upon the tide.
Check out an official Pastafarian holy book, the Loose Canon: http://loose-canon.fsm-consortium.com/the-loose-canon/

"With Him, All Things are Pasta-Bowl."
-ProvHerbs 3:35
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Re: Loose Canon Submissions - The Old Pastament

Postby Platypus Enthusiast on Tue May 24, 2011 6:23 pm

Captains

As transcribed by Aba Sababa, posted by PE

For three years, the Great Pirate Solomon waited for the famed Queen Semolina to come hither, and pay her whole-wheat respects to his Beardliness. The Great Pirate Solomon had grown weary of the tender caresses of his local breast collection. He longed for something exotic, something royal, something with a hint of tarragon, perhaps. Legends abound over the beauty of Queen Semolina, and there have been rumors floating around the court that Jeff the Naked Guy was ordered to don a mask with the Queen’s likeness, that the Great Pirate Solomon might experience but a taste of the pleasures soon to come. Jeff neither confirms nor denies these rumors.

Of course, the real reason that the Great Pirate Solomon wanted to meet Queen Semolina was because he loved fiddles. As the Great Pirate Solomon, he was the mightiest fiddler in the land. The Great Pirate Solomon prided himself on having never lost a fiddle-off. Normally, there would be detractors muttering under their breath that blah, blah, he’s not actually that great and just really murders everyone else who’s better which is why the basilica scene is so beat right now, but these people were recently executed en masse on account of their shitty taste in un-Piratey music, as per royal decree from his Bearded Excellence.

In any case, the Great Pirate Solomon, like all men named Solomon, really wanted to assert his general dominance over the citizens of the world. Word had it that Queen Semolina was a very talented fiddler, and the Great Pirate Solomon itched for a chance to slay her in public and accept his obligatory victor’s blowjob in the city commons.

One day, the Great Pirate Solomon received word that Queen Semolina was indeed coming, and that she was packin’ catgut. The Great Pirate Solomon became very excited. He immediately called the Devil, and they had themselves a horn-tootin’ hootnanny to prepare the Great Pirate Solomon for his Great Pirate Fiddle-Off. The Great Pirate Solomon made sure to inform Jeff the Naked Guy that he would like his pubes shaved precisely a single hour before the arrival of Queen Semolina, for maximum baby-smooth softness. “You can’t appear before your kingdom with hairy balls,” said the Great Pirate Solomon to Jeff, who duly noted the quip in his “For When I Become a Great Pirate” notebook.

The day finally arrived, and all the people gathered from afar to watch the biblical battle between the Great Pirate Solomon and Queen Semolina. The smart money was on the Great Pirate Solomon, but I know a guy who’ll give you excellent odds on Semolina. See me after the story, yeah?

All eyes were on Semolina’s tent as she emerged, tits ablaze. This was one funky mother. “One hundred percent Durum, baby!” she exclaimed. “You ready for this shit, big boy?”

“As ready as I’ll ever be,” replied the Great Pirate Solomon.

“Good. Have at you!”

And off they went. They fiddled for hours. Hours turned into days, and days into weeks. The people were riveted until supper. It turns out there are only so many times you can fucking square dance to fucking fiddle tunes before you want to punch your wife in the jaw. It wasn’t helping that some douchebag cracked one about how we should all put a roof underneath the Great Pirate Solomon and Queen Semolina, and that particular outburst had the whole province in stitches for at least thirty minutes while you could barely even bend down and re-tie your sandals.

But I digress! The Great Pirate Solomon did not intend to lose his first fiddle battle to a woman, no matter how excruciatingly perfect her breasts may have been. And Queen Semolina refused to secede to a man, a pirate, a Great Pirate! especially one that clearly hadn’t showered in a fortnight. So the battle raged on, and on, until one day Jeff the Naked guy dropped dead and the Great Pirate Solomon froze in shock. He had forgotten to turn Jeff off since his last conjugal visit. The Queen Semolina mask was still taped on to his face. The Great Pirate Solomon wept for forty days and forty nights, and we’re not quite sure what the “Jeff is dead” to “I just lost my first fiddle battle” weep ratio was. Queen Semolina promptly returned to her native land to great aplomb, bearing the emasculation and utter defeat of the Great Pirate Solomon.
Check out an official Pastafarian holy book, the Loose Canon: http://loose-canon.fsm-consortium.com/the-loose-canon/

"With Him, All Things are Pasta-Bowl."
-ProvHerbs 3:35
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Re: Loose Canon Submissions - The Old Pastament

Postby Platypus Enthusiast on Tue May 24, 2011 6:28 pm

The Epistle of Roderick the Purser to the Orthodox Crew

As transcribed by Rod, posted by PE

1 Roderick Alan King, plunder of the Rutgers Pastafarians’ Pursership stores via luck and dexterity of tongue, member of the Ninja-Pirate Assembly, and friend of academic pursuit, share thus with international leaders of our congregations.
2 Let it be known that I parley ye, mateys, under the flag of His Noodliness, that ye all speak the same ideals, and there be no mutiny amongst ye; but realize that ye be stuck together with the same sauce.
3 His Noodliness sent me not to cook his sauce but to spread His cooking, lest He be consumed to no effect.
4 For the citizens require an eye-catching sign, and the Boards of Education seek after wisdom.
5 But we preach Intelligent Design Noodlified; unto the citizens a divide, and the Educators foolishness.
6 But His Noodliness the Flying Spaghetti Monster hath chosen many things of the world to confound science and education, even though Bobby the Revealer showed only evolution global warming, and the fossil records to exemplify so.
7 Consider the lilies of the fields, parched in the summer heat, shattering in the summer winds, petals floating off into the blue.
8 These shards eventually fall to the ground. How so? Science and man hath found no satisfactory answer.
9 Consider a broad, cooked sheet of lasagna. A large meatball rests in the center, causing a bulge downwards that one could drop into. A smaller meatball rolleth
around in ellipses, perhaps even slowly spiraling inwards.
10 Consider also a strand of spaghetti hanging upside-down from a strainer. As time flows, the stick end comes off. The spaghetti falls into a wiggly blob, and falls as a whole string.
11 These are the irreconcilable theories of modern gravity, with sources and intrinsic natures of pastas causing an irreconcilable divide as to why things may fall towards the big meatball. But notice the commonalities shared- pasta and meatballs, causing actions which cannot be seen.
12 Let the crews of our universe so account of this, and understand how His unseen Noodley Appendages effect1 all of nature. Boats of belief should be made of sterner stuff, not simply the one plank of Intelligent Design.
13 Now, concerning the recruitment of such crew, as I hath commanded my mates and even Captain, so must ye.
14 See that other may share without despise, for even Ninja-Pirates bring truth with theories. Submit yourselves unto such, and to every one that helpeth with us, and laboureth.
15 For if there be help to the cause, then it may be appreciated. An open mind must be kept to prevent dogmatic danger. For it is written, “I'd Really Rather You Didn't Use My Existence As A Means To Oppress, Subjugate, Punish, Eviscerate, And/Or, You Know, Be Mean To Others”.

--------
1 http://xkcd.com/326/
Check out an official Pastafarian holy book, the Loose Canon: http://loose-canon.fsm-consortium.com/the-loose-canon/

"With Him, All Things are Pasta-Bowl."
-ProvHerbs 3:35
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Re: Loose Canon Submissions - The Old Pastament

Postby Platypus Enthusiast on Tue May 24, 2011 6:31 pm

The Book of Ruthie

Chapter 1
1 Now it came to pass in the days when the captains ruled, that there was a shortage of Spanish galleons to raid. 2 And a certain pirate of Bethlehem went to sojourn in the country of England, he and daughter. 3 And the name of the pirate was Elimelech (Hebrew for ‘Pasta with cream sauce), and the name of his daughter was Naomi. 4 And they came into the country of England, and continued there. 5 But the English were big fans of the Dark Lord Darwin. 6 And Elimelech, Naomi’s father, was strung up for piracy and she was left alone to hide from the King’s men.

Chapter 2
1 And she met a Christian woman, Ruthie, and it was love at first sight. 2 After several dates, Naomi said unto Ruthie, “I am the daughter of a pirate, and if you associate with me the English will hang you along with me. So go, and save yourself.”

3 But Ruth embraced her, saying,
“Do not press me to leave you
or to turn back from following you!
Where you go, I will go;
where you lodge, I will lodge;
your people (pirates) shall be my people (pirates),
and your god my god (as it is cool if you are both Christian and Pastafarian).
4 Where you die, I will die—
there I will be buried.
May the FSM do thus and so to me,
and more as well,
if even death parts me from you!”

5 When Naomi saw that she was determined to go with her, she said no more to her. 6 But still not wanting to dance the hempen jig, they went back to live together in Bethlehem.

Chapter 3
1 Years passed, and one day, Ruthie came home from a day’s work of plundering and she greeted Naomi. 2 And Naomi said unto her, “Call me not Naomi, call me Pissed Off, for our Lord Glob has dealt bitterly with me.”

3 “Why? What happened?” asked Ruthie.

4 “Some people were making fun of us for being gay. And the FSM did nothing to stop their criticism yet again.”

5 And there was thunder and whirling wind, and the FSM did descend from Heaven. 6 “My ears are burning. 7 Really, I overcooked myself. 8 I know, I know, bad joke. 9 Anyway… 10 Heathens!” He boomed, “Gays shall burn on the great stove of Hell for all eternity!” 11 He paused, “Nah, I’m just messing with you. 12 We don’t even have a Hell, much less a great stove. 13 But really, you’re not hurting anyone. 14 You can live your life however the hell you want.”

15 “That’s what we tell people,” said Ruthie, “But we are still condemned.”

16 “Seriously?” inquired the FSM, somewhat puzzled, “If I didn’t want you to be gay I would’ve made you straight. 17 Der.”

18 “I know, but they say homosexuality is a choice,” Naomi added.

19 “Shit, even that argument doesn’t work. 20 I’m totally omnipotent; therefore anything you do is the result of my will. 21 So it is still because of me that you’re gay. 22 For the record, marriage is the sacred union between a person and person(s).”

23 “I dunno, they’re kinda dumb,” replied Ruthie.

24 “Chillax. 25 It’ll all work out in time. 26 And for now, just ignore the stupid ones. 27 They’re stupid,” the FSM said compassionately (cause He’s freaking God, and He’s supposed to be compassionate).

28 And Ruthie and Naomi walked away as the camera panned out. “You know ‘Naomi’ is ‘I moan’ spelled backwards?” Ruthie said.

29 “You totally stole that from Waiting…,” Naomi replied.

30 And they lived happily ever after.
Check out an official Pastafarian holy book, the Loose Canon: http://loose-canon.fsm-consortium.com/the-loose-canon/

"With Him, All Things are Pasta-Bowl."
-ProvHerbs 3:35
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Re: Loose Canon Submissions - The Old Pastament

Postby skyweir on Thu Aug 11, 2011 12:07 am

For ProvHerbs- "For Ye are all His children; and He just wants ye to play nicely"
Vasco Pyjama asked Mr Curly: What is worth doing and what is worth having? Mr Curly replied: It is worth doing nothing and having a rest.
-- The Curly-Pyjama Letters
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Re: Loose Canon Submissions - The Old Pastament

Postby Tigger_the_Wing on Thu Aug 11, 2011 8:11 am

As a mother and grandmother to a huge brood, I heartily endorse that one! :fsm_float:
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Re: Loose Canon Submissions - The Old Pastament

Postby Rev. Daniel Scott on Wed Jul 24, 2013 11:33 pm

I recently submitted my retranslation of the first five books of Ghettisis (commonly mistranslated as Genesis) as part of my doctoral thesis in Pastafarian Theology. Herein lies the contentions of the thesis as well as the first five chapters of Ghettisis. I will also post more chapters than I had put into the thesis.


CotFSM Scriptures: Lost in Translation
A Doctoral Thesis Produced by
Rev. Daniel Scott


Contention the First:
Pirates were gravely misunderstood and falsely projected as savages, largely by the Church of England, but also by a great many Christians as well as various other misled folk.

Pirates, however, were far from savage. They were not, as the Church projected them, Godless beasts. In truth, their worship was to His Noodliness, Sauced on High, the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

Justification:
A simple relational view of piracy versus global warming reveals that as piracy decreases, and pirates themselves are fewer in numbers, global warming increases. The only plausible explanation for this trend must be that the Flying Spaghetti Monster has seen the fall in piracy and has thus entered a fiery, drunken rage, expelling vast amounts of heat and causing the overall global temperature of earth to rise.

Contention the Second:
Millennia ago, a great ship, a floating temple of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, christened The Colander, containing vast sums of Pastafarian scripture and text to be distributed to other pirates, hit an iceberg made of the very same frozen water molecules that sunk the Titanic.

Justification:
No iceberg of lesser infamy could have pierced the hull of His Noodliness's flagship. It matters not that the Titanic sunk long after The Colander. Time is cyclical, not linear, and thus there was no true before or after. The event was bound to happen. Time knew.

Contention the Third:
Many of the scriptures contained in The Colander–christened thus because it was to separate the water from the treasure within–washed onto various shores. These scriptures were eventually collected and distributed and would one day be joined again under the name of The Bible.

Justification:
It's what happened.

Contention the Fourth:
The scripture of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster could only be properly read by a reverend of His Noodliness or by any person trained specifically in the reading of Pastafarian text. Otherwise, the scripture would appear as Hebrew, Aramaic, or Greek. Read in those languages, the scripture would no longer hold the original meaning.

Justification:
The Faithful sought to protect the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster and its members who were forced into hiding, living not at sea, but on dust, among they who would condemn the Followers of His Noodliness. The scripture was therefore touched by His Noodly Appendage, infused by His Meatitude, and became mystical.

Thus, I, as ordained reverend of the Church, have taken it upon myself to translate the scripture from its original form into common English.


Ghettisis 1
1In the beginning, His Noodliness created a mountain, some trees, and a midget.
2And the mountain was otherwise without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And His Tentacles moved upon the face of the marinaras and waters.
3And the Great Flying Spaghetti Monster in the sky said, Let there be pasta: and there was pasta.
4And His Noodliness saw the pasta, that it was good: and He divided the pasta from the garlic bread.
5And His Noodliness called the pasta the main meal, and the garlic bread he called the side dish. And there, upon the first day, was the first meal.
6And His Noodliness said, Let there be ceramics in the midst of the noodles, and let it contain the noodles from the airs above.
7And His Noodliness made the ceramics, and divided the noodles within the pottery from the airs around the bowl: and it was so.
8And His Noodliness called the collection of airs the atmosphere, and the airs above, the sky, upon the second day.
9And His Noodliness said, Let the marinara under the sky be gathered together unto one place, and let the dust of the mountain appear: and it was so.
10And His Noodliness called the dust of the mountain Earth; and the gathering together of the marinaras called he Seas: and it was so.
11And His Noodliness said, Let the earth bring forth grass and parsley; the parsley yielding seed, and the fruit tree and olive tree yielding fruits and olives after his kind, whose seeds are in themselves, upon the earth: and His Noodliness saw that it was good on the third day.
12And His Noodliness said, Let there be lights in the sky to divide midnight snacks of spaghetti from noontime meals; and let them be for signs, and for seasons, and for days, and years:
13And let them be for lights in the skies to give light upon romantic nighttime picnics: and it was so.
14And His Noodliness made the stars. Two great lights were made also, the greater light to heat the pasta during the day, the lesser to illuminate it at night.
15And His Noodliness set them in the skies to give light upon the earth and separate the light from the darkness: and He saw that it was good on the fourth day.
16And His Noodliness said, Let the waters and marinaras bring forth abundantly the moving creature that hath life, and fowl that may fly above the mountain in the skies.
17And His Noodliness created great whales of the Seas and scallops of the marinara, and every living creature that moveth, which the waters brought forth abundantly, after their kind, and every winged fowl after his kind: and His Noodliness saw that it was good.
18And His Noodliness blessed them, saying, Be fruitful, and multiply, and fill the waters in the seas and marinaras in the potteries, and let fowl multiply on the mountain. So it was said upon the fifth day.
19And His Noodliness said, Let the mountain bring forth the living creature after his kind, cattle for meatballs, and creeping thing, and beast of the earth after his kind: and it was so.
20And His Holiness made the beast of the earth after his kind, and cattle after their kind, and every thing that creepeth upon the earth after his kind: and His Noodliness saw that it was good.
21And His Noodliness said, Let us make a cooker of pasta, though not nearly in our image, but in a likeness we enjoy: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, the scallop of the marinara, the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth and mountain, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth.
22So His Holiness created man only in His image in the sense of the balls, in the image that His Noodliness enjoyed; male and female midget created He them, both with balls of vision which He had two.
23And His Noodliness touched them with His Noodly Appendage, and He said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, the scallop of the marinara, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth. But to them, steward. Take for pasta and tool what you will, but no more.
24And His Noodliness said, Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the earth and mountain, and every tree, including the olive tree, that you might create olive oil for cooking, and all other trees yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat.
25And to every beast of the earth, and to every fowl of the air, and to every thing that creepeth upon the earth, wherein there is life, I have given every green herb and parsley for meat: and it was so.
26And His Noodliness saw every thing that He had made, and, behold, it was very good. Completing His work upon the sixth day, the seventh He took to rest and twirl His Noodly Appendages.
Pastafarian Doctoral Dissertation: Accepted

Completed Works:

Biblical
OP:
Ghettisis (CH 1-10 complete)
He Who is a Servant of FSM
Narwhal
Couscousum
Zozuniah
To Build or Not To Build
Covenant of Olive

NP:
Midas
Sailamon
2, 3 ParmaJohn
Jude's Kitchen



Confucian
Confusion Analects: Book I


~~~~~Qapla', sak-khet, saith.~~~~~
~~~~~~Finna ilian un atra du~~~~~
~~~~~~evarínya ono varda.~~~~~~
~~~~Mára mesta, Eywa ngahu.~~~~
~~(tlhIngan, Rihannsu, Quenya...)~~
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Re: Loose Canon Submissions - The Old Pastament

Postby Rev. Daniel Scott on Wed Jul 24, 2013 11:33 pm

Ghettisis 2
1Thus the skies and the earth were finished, and all the host of them.
2And His Noodliness blessed the seventh day, and sanctified it: because that in it He had rested from all His work.
3These are the cookings of the skies and of the earth when they were baked, in the day that the Lord Noodle made the earth and the heavens,
4And every parsley of the field before it was in the earth, and every herb of the field before it grew: for the Lord Noodle had not yet waved His Tentacles to make it rain upon the earth, and there was not a midget to till the ground.
5But His Noodliness raised a tentacle up into the skies, and there went up a mist from the earth, and watered the whole face of the ground.
6And the Major Pastaer formed midget of the dust of the mountain, and noodled His appendages into the midget's nostrils to breathe life; and man became a living soul.
7And the Lord Noodle planted a garden of parsley and wheat and olive trees eastward in Eden; and there he put the midget whom he had formed.
8And out of the ground made the Lord Noodle to grow every tree that is pleasant to the sight, and good for pasta; the tree of noodles also in the midst of the garden, and the tree of knowledge of good recipes and evil mixtures.
9And a river of marinara went out of the Olive Garden of Eden to water the herbs and trees; and from thence it was parted, and became into four heads.
10The name of the first is Meatless: that is it which compasseth the whole land of Havilah, where there is spaghetti;
11And the spaghetti of that land is good: there is wheat flour and white flour.
12And the name of the second river is Sausage: the same is it that compasseth the whole land of Ethiopia.
13And the name of the third river is Beef: that is it which goeth toward the east of Assyria.
14And the fourth river is Tofu.
15And the Lord Noodle took the midget, and put him into the Olive Garden of Eden to keep it and pour dressing in it.
16And the Lord Noodle commanded the midget, saying, Of every tree of the olive garden thou mayest freely eat:
17But of the tree of the knowledge of good recipes and evil mixtures, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die, mostly because I shall taketh away thine immortality.
18And the Lord Noodle said, It is not good that the midget should be alone; I will make companions for him.
19And out of the mountain dust the Lord Noodle formed every beast of the field of parsley, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them: and whatsoever Adam called every living creature, that was the name thereof.
20And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found a proper companion, save for the dog. Yet the dog hath not the form of Adam.
21And the Lord Noodle caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept, dreaming of lasagna, linguine, spaghetti, and more: and He took one of his ribs, and closed up the unnoodly flesh instead thereof;
22And the rib, which the Lord Noodle had taken from midget, made he a lady midget, and brought her unto the man.
23And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Derived from the same flesh and bone, we are equals.
24Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh in the eyes of the Great Flying Spaghetti Monster.
25And they were both naked, the midget and his wife, and were not ashamed.
Pastafarian Doctoral Dissertation: Accepted

Completed Works:

Biblical
OP:
Ghettisis (CH 1-10 complete)
He Who is a Servant of FSM
Narwhal
Couscousum
Zozuniah
To Build or Not To Build
Covenant of Olive

NP:
Midas
Sailamon
2, 3 ParmaJohn
Jude's Kitchen



Confucian
Confusion Analects: Book I


~~~~~Qapla', sak-khet, saith.~~~~~
~~~~~~Finna ilian un atra du~~~~~
~~~~~~evarínya ono varda.~~~~~~
~~~~Mára mesta, Eywa ngahu.~~~~
~~(tlhIngan, Rihannsu, Quenya...)~~
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Rev. Daniel Scott
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Re: Loose Canon Submissions - The Old Pastament

Postby Rev. Daniel Scott on Wed Jul 24, 2013 11:34 pm

Ghettisis 3
1Now the slithery serpent was more subtle than any beast of the field which the Lord Noodle had made. And he said unto the woman, Yea, hath His Sauceredness said, Ye shall not eat of any olive tree of the garden?
2And the woman said unto the unnoodly serpent, We may eat of the any of the trees of the garden:
3But of the olive of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, His Great Noodliness hath said, Ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die and have the marinara run from thee veins.
4And the serpent said unto the woman, Ye shall not surely die:
5For His Noodles doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as master connoisseurs, knowing good and evil recipes.
6And when the woman saw that the olive of the tree was good for oil, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and fruit to be desired to make one wise in the culinary arts, she took of the fruit thereof, and did press it for oil, and shared it also with her husband over a bowl of spaghetti; and he did eat.
7And the eyes of them both were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed parsley stalks together, and made themselves green aprons.
8And, walking in the garden in the cool of the day, they heard the noodly voice of the Lord Pastaer: and Adam and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord Noodle amongst the trees of the garden.
9And the Lord Noodle extended his thoughts unto Adam, and said unto him, Where art thou?
10And Adam said, I heard thy voice in the olive garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself.
11And He said, Who told thee that thou wast naked? Hast thou eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldest not eat? Well, hast thou?
12And the man said, The woman whom Thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat, sharing a bowl of the holiest of meals.
13And His Noodliness said unto Adam, Blamest thou not thy woman. Free as her will, thine is.
14And the Lord said unto the woman, What is this that thou hast done? And the woman said, The serpent, little trickster, did trick me, and I did eat.
15Unto her, His Sauceredness did speak, Blamest thou not the serpent. Its tongue may be sly, but its words should have falleneth upon reverent ears.
16And the Lord Noodle said unto the serpent, Because thou hast done this, thou art cursed above all cattle, and above every beast of the field; upon thy belly shalt thou go, and dust shalt thou eat all the days of thy life, Slither, slide, serpentine snake.
17Unto the woman He said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bear screaming toddlers; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee for generations.
18And unto Adam He said, Because thou hast listened unto the voice of thy wife, and hast eaten of the olive tree of recipes, of which I commanded thee, saying, Thou shalt not eat of it: cursed is the ground for thy sake; in sorrow shalt thou be all the days of thy life;
19Thorns also and thistles and uncooked spaghetti noodles shall it bring forth to thee, poking at thine feet; and thou shalt eat the herb of the field;
20In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat garlic bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for mountain dust thou art, and unto mountain dust shalt thou return. And just as thy woman shall suffer, so shalt thou. While she shalt have pain of birth, thy refractory period shalt long outlast hers, and your pleasure standeth diminished.
21And Adam called his wife's name Eve; because she was the mother of all living, thou the Lord Noodle did believe a more proper name was Gaia.
22Unto Adam also and to his wife did the Lord make coats of skins, and clothed them, still merciful in His Noodly Awesometude.
23And the Lord said, Behold, the man is become as one of us, to know good and evil recipes: and now, lest he put forth his hand, and take also of the tree of noodles, and eat, and live for ever:
24Therefore the His Noodliness sent him forth from the Olive Garden of Eden, to till the mountain from whence he was taken.
25So he drove out the man; and he placed at the east of the garden of Eden Cherubims, noodly guardians in his image, and a flaming spaghetti noodle which turned every way, to keep the tree of noodles safe.
Pastafarian Doctoral Dissertation: Accepted

Completed Works:

Biblical
OP:
Ghettisis (CH 1-10 complete)
He Who is a Servant of FSM
Narwhal
Couscousum
Zozuniah
To Build or Not To Build
Covenant of Olive

NP:
Midas
Sailamon
2, 3 ParmaJohn
Jude's Kitchen



Confucian
Confusion Analects: Book I


~~~~~Qapla', sak-khet, saith.~~~~~
~~~~~~Finna ilian un atra du~~~~~
~~~~~~evarínya ono varda.~~~~~~
~~~~Mára mesta, Eywa ngahu.~~~~
~~(tlhIngan, Rihannsu, Quenya...)~~
User avatar
Rev. Daniel Scott
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Posts: 298
Joined: Wed Jul 24, 2013 5:13 am

Re: Loose Canon Submissions - The Old Pastament

Postby Rev. Daniel Scott on Wed Jul 24, 2013 11:34 pm

Ghettisis 4
1And Adam “knew” Eve his wife; and she conceived, and bore Cain, and said, I have gotten a man from the Lord Noodliness.
2And she again bore his brother Abel. And Abel was a keeper of cows for meatballs, but Cain was a tiller of the ground for herbs.
3And in process of time it came to pass, that Cain brought of the fruit of the mountain an offering unto the Lord.
4And Abel, he also brought of the firstlings of his herd and of the fat thereof. And the Lord, though uncertain of the goodness of the fat, had respect unto Abel and to his offering:
5But unto Cain and to his offering he had not respect. And Cain was very wroth, like boiling broth, and his countenance fell.
6And the Lord said unto Cain, Why art thou wroth? Why boileth thy spirit like broth of noodle soup? and why is thy countenance fallen?
7If thou doest well, shalt thou not be accepted? and if thou doest not well, sin lieth at the door, and be thee slapped by My tentacles. And unto thee shall be his desire, and thou shalt rule over him.
8And Cain talked with Abel his brother: and it came to pass, when they were in the field, that Cain rose up against Abel his brother, and slew him, stabbing him with a long shaft of uncooked spaghetti.
9And the Lord said unto Cain, Where is Abel thy brother? And he said, I know not: Am I my brother's keeper?
10And He said, Yes, thou art thy brother's keeper. What hast thou done? the voice of thy brother's blood crieth unto me from the ground, marinating in the dust of the mountain.
11And now art thou cursed from the earth, which hath opened her mouth to receive thy brother's blood from thy hand. Her lips are tainted by thy doing;
12When thou tillest the ground, it shall not henceforth yield unto thee her strength, she shall spittle at thee for the blood poured down her throat; a fugitive and a vagabond shalt thou be in the earth, I cast thee out of my grace, gypsy child.
13And Cain said unto the Lord, My punishment is greater than I can bear. I am weak and needy.
14Behold, thou hast driven me out this day from the face of the earth, cast into the shadow of the mountain; and from thy face shall I be hid; and I shall be a fugitive and a vagabond in the earth; and it shall come to pass, that I shall ask any who findeth me to slay me.
15And the Lord said unto him, Therefore whosoever slayeth Cain, vengeance shall be taken on him sevenfold. I shall smite him with My Noodliness. And the Lord set a mark upon Cain, lest any finding him should kill him.
16And Cain went out from the presence of His Holiness, and dwelt in the land of Nod, on the east of Eden. And many a night did Cain nod to sleep in the land of Nod.
17And Cain “knew” his wife, though why any should care to “know” Cain, His Noodliness thought down upon; and she conceived, and bore Enoch: and he builded a city, builded, past tense of build, as proclaimed by His Noodliness, and called the name of the city, after the name of his son, Enoch.
18And unto Enoch was born Irad: and Irad begat Mehujael: and Mehujael begat Methusael: and Methusael begat Lamech. And His Noodliness shaped His Tentacles into a concave down semicircle, frowning upon the growing midgets who spawned like rabbits.
19And Lamech took unto him two wives: the name of the one was Adah, and the name of the other Zillah.
20And Adah bore Jabal: he was the father of such as dwell in tents, and of such as have cattle. Cattle owning tent dwellers were they.
21And his brother's name was Jubal: he was the father of all such as handle the harp and organ. Their profession would, for many years, be struggling, as His Noodliness saw fit.
22And Zillah, she also bore Tubal–cain, an instructer of every smith in brass and iron: and the sister of Tubal–cain was Naamah.
23And Lamech said unto his wives, Adah and Zillah, Hear my voice; ye wives of Lamech, hearken unto my speech: for I have slain a man to my wounding, and a young man to my hurt.
24If Cain shall be avenged sevenfold, truly Lamech seventy and sevenfold. Such numbers were too many to count on fingers and toes, and so beyond the reasoning of all but His Great Noodliness.
25And Adam “knew” his wife again; and she bore a son, and called his name Seth: For His Noodliness, said she, hath appointed me another seed instead of Abel, whom Cain slew. Questioned, did the Lord Noodliness, why alive He kept Adam and Eve for so many generations.
26And to Seth, to him also there was born a son; and he called his name Enos: then began men to call upon the name of the Lord Noodliness, His Sauceredness, the Major Pastaer, His Awesometude, the Great Flying Spaghetti Monster.
Pastafarian Doctoral Dissertation: Accepted

Completed Works:

Biblical
OP:
Ghettisis (CH 1-10 complete)
He Who is a Servant of FSM
Narwhal
Couscousum
Zozuniah
To Build or Not To Build
Covenant of Olive

NP:
Midas
Sailamon
2, 3 ParmaJohn
Jude's Kitchen



Confucian
Confusion Analects: Book I


~~~~~Qapla', sak-khet, saith.~~~~~
~~~~~~Finna ilian un atra du~~~~~
~~~~~~evarínya ono varda.~~~~~~
~~~~Mára mesta, Eywa ngahu.~~~~
~~(tlhIngan, Rihannsu, Quenya...)~~
User avatar
Rev. Daniel Scott
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Posts: 298
Joined: Wed Jul 24, 2013 5:13 am

Re: Loose Canon Submissions - The Old Pastament

Postby Rev. Daniel Scott on Wed Jul 24, 2013 11:34 pm

Ghettisis 5
1This is the book of the generations of Adam. In the day that His Noodliness created man, far from the likeness of His Awesometude made He him;
2Male and female created He them, both with two balls for vision just as his; and blessed them, and called their name Adam, in the day when they were created from the dust of the mountain.
3And Adam lived six and a half score years when begat he a son in his own likeness, after his image, though much more attractive; and called his name Seth:
4And the days of Adam after Seth popped from his Adam's wife were forty score years: and he begat sons and daughters:
5And all the days that Adam lived were forty and six and a half score years: and he died. Suddenly.
6And Seth lived five and a quarter score years, and begat Enos:
7And Seth lived after he begat Enos forty and a quarter score years, with the addition of a tenth score years, and begat sons and daughters:
8And all the days of Seth were forty and five and a half score years, with the addition of a tenth score years,: and he died. Suddenly as his father.
9And Enos lived four and a half score years, and begat Cainan:
10And Enos lived after he begat Cainan forty and three quarter score years, and begat sons and daughters:
11And all the days of Enos were forty and five and a quarter score years: and he died. Suddenly as his father, and his father's father.
12And Cainan lived a three score and a half years, and begat Mahalaleel:
13And Cainan lived after he begat Mahalaleel forty and two score years, and begat sons and daughters:
14And all the days of Cainan were forty and five and a half score years: and he died. Suddenly as his father, and his father's father, and his father's father's father.
15And Mahalaleel lived three and a quarter score years, and begat Jared:
16And Mahalaleel lived after he begat Jared forty and one and a half score years, and begat sons and daughters:
17And all the days of Mahalaleel were forty and four and three quarter score years: and he died. Suddenly as his father, and his father's father, and his father's father's father, and his father's father's father's father.
18And Jared lived a eight score years, with the addition of one tenth score years, and he begat Enoch:
19And Jared lived after he begat Enoch forty score years, and begat sons and daughters:
20And all the days of Jared were forty and eight score years, with the addition of one tenth score years: and he died. Suddenly as his father, and his father's father, and his father's father's father, and his father's father's father's father, and his father's father's father's father's father.
21And Enoch lived three and one quarter score years, and begat Methuselah:
22And Enoch walked with His Noodliness after he begat Methuselah ten and five score years, and begat sons and daughters:
23And all the days of Enoch were ten and eight and one quarter score years:
24And Enoch walked with His Noodliness: and he was not; for His Noodliness took him.
25And Methuselah, as His Noodliness lost interest and refused to count for the prophets any longer, lived many years, and begat Lamech:
26And Methuselah lived after he begat Lamech for many more years,
27Lamech lived many years before and after he begat Noah, who lived many years before and after he begat Shem, Ham, and Japheth.
28That His Noodliness kept track this long was a miracle. It is also conceivable that those names were all simply archaic brands of grog. Perhaps it is more likely. His Noodliness has abstained from comment on the subject.
Pastafarian Doctoral Dissertation: Accepted

Completed Works:

Biblical
OP:
Ghettisis (CH 1-10 complete)
He Who is a Servant of FSM
Narwhal
Couscousum
Zozuniah
To Build or Not To Build
Covenant of Olive

NP:
Midas
Sailamon
2, 3 ParmaJohn
Jude's Kitchen



Confucian
Confusion Analects: Book I


~~~~~Qapla', sak-khet, saith.~~~~~
~~~~~~Finna ilian un atra du~~~~~
~~~~~~evarínya ono varda.~~~~~~
~~~~Mára mesta, Eywa ngahu.~~~~
~~(tlhIngan, Rihannsu, Quenya...)~~
User avatar
Rev. Daniel Scott
Bucatini Buccanneer
 
Posts: 298
Joined: Wed Jul 24, 2013 5:13 am

Re: Loose Canon Submissions - The Old Pastament

Postby Rev. Daniel Scott on Wed Jul 24, 2013 11:41 pm

Ghettisis 6
1And it came to pass, when midgets began to multiply on the face of the mountain, and daughters were born unto them,
2That the sons of His Noodliness saw the daughters that they were fair; and they took them wives of all which they chose.
3And the His Lord Noodliness said, My noodly appendages shall not always strive with man, for that he not of pasta but of flesh: yet his days shall be six score years.
4There were giants in the eyes of midgets on the mountain in those days; and also after that, when the sons of the Lord Pastaer came in unto the daughters of men, and they bore children to them, who steadily became less midgety, growing into mighty men which were of old, men of renown.
5And the Great Flying Spaghetti Monster saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every imagination of the thoughts of his head-heart was only evil continually.
6And it repented the Lord Noodle that he had made man on the earth, and it grieved him in his large meatballs.
7And He said, I will destroy man whom I have created from the face of the mountain; both man, and beast, and the creeping thing, and the fowls of the air, and the scallops of the marinara; for it repenteth me that I have made them.
8Noah found grace in the eyes of His Awesometude.
9These are the generations of Noah: Noah was a just larger than a midget and perfect in his generations, and Noah walked with the Major Pastaer.
10And Noah begat three sons, Shem, Ham, and Japheth.
11The earth also was corrupt before God, and the earth was filled with violence. Some of the perfections must be washed away.
12And His Holiness looked upon the earth, and, behold, it was corrupt; for all flesh had corrupted his way upon the earth, defying the way of the pasta.
13And His Noodliness said unto Noah, The end of all flesh is come before me; for the earth is filled with violence through them; and, behold, I will destroy them with the earth with a flail of My Great Noodly Appendages.
14Make thee an ark of gopher wood, for I enjoy gophers, with their large, amusing teeth; rooms shalt thou make in the ark, and shalt pitch it within and without with pitch, but pitch thou not the dung of beasts at thy wife.
15And this is the fashion which thou shalt make it of: The length of the ark shall be ten and five score cubits, the breadth of it two and one half score cubits, and the height of it two and one half score cubits.
16A window shalt thou make to the ark, and in a cubit shalt thou finish it above; and the door of the ark shalt thou set in the side thereof; maketh it not with a door in front, nor door in back; in the side shalt be the entrance; with lower, second, and third stories shalt thou make it.
17And, behold, I, My Tentacles, do bring a flood of marinara upon the earth, to destroy all flesh, wherein is the breath of life, from under heaven; and every thing that is in the earth shall die in various marinaras; marinara with meatballs, marinara with the small chopped meat, marinara lacking meat, and marinara full of sausage.
18I am ever merciful. Dead shalt they be, but drowned in blessed marinara.
19But with thee will I establish my covenant, though shalt it be referred to as the unfulfilled covenant; and thou shalt come into the ark, thou, and thy sons, and thy wife, and thy sons' wives with thee, but forgeteth not the pasta and beer. Thou shalt be my first pirate.
20And of every living thing of all flesh, two of every sort shalt thou bring into the ark, to keep them alive with thee; they shall be male and female, sparing life which reproduceth asexually which thou shalt also bring but forever alone shalt it be on the ark.
21Of fowls after their kind, and of cattle after their kind, of every creeping thing of the earth after his kind, and scallops after his kind, two of every sort shall come unto thee, to keep them alive. Taketh thou not beasts of the waters, excluding the scallops for thine meals, for the righteous of them shall survive the marinara flood.
22And take thou unto thee of all food that is eaten, and thou shalt gather it to thee; and it shall be for food for thee, and for them.
23I shalt cast an undetectable extension charm on the ark, maintaining the dimensions, that thee might fit all that I have allotted.
24Thus did Noah; according to all that His Noodliness commanded him, so did he.
Pastafarian Doctoral Dissertation: Accepted

Completed Works:

Biblical
OP:
Ghettisis (CH 1-10 complete)
He Who is a Servant of FSM
Narwhal
Couscousum
Zozuniah
To Build or Not To Build
Covenant of Olive

NP:
Midas
Sailamon
2, 3 ParmaJohn
Jude's Kitchen



Confucian
Confusion Analects: Book I


~~~~~Qapla', sak-khet, saith.~~~~~
~~~~~~Finna ilian un atra du~~~~~
~~~~~~evarínya ono varda.~~~~~~
~~~~Mára mesta, Eywa ngahu.~~~~
~~(tlhIngan, Rihannsu, Quenya...)~~
User avatar
Rev. Daniel Scott
Bucatini Buccanneer
 
Posts: 298
Joined: Wed Jul 24, 2013 5:13 am

Re: Loose Canon Submissions - The Old Pastament

Postby Rev. Daniel Scott on Wed Jul 24, 2013 11:43 pm

Ghettisis 7
1And the Lord Noodle said unto Noah, Come thou and all thy house into the ark; for thee have I seen righteous before me in this generation, the fairest in the land.
2Of every clean beast thou shalt take to thee by sevens, the female and her male: and of beasts that are not clean by two, the female and her male.
3Of fowls also of the air by sevens, the female and the male; to keep seed alive upon the face of all the earth. They do spread the tiny balls of plantile fertility.
4Wait will I for a reasonable seven years, that thou might have the slightest of chances to collect all that I have commanded, and I will cause it to rain red upon the earth two score days and two score nights; and every living substance that I have made will I destroy from off the face of the mountain and everywhere life has spread.
5And Noah did according unto all that the Lord Noodle commanded him.
6And Noah was thirty score years old when the flood of marinara was upon the earth.
7And Noah went in, and his sons, and his wife, and his sons' wives with him, with pasta and beer, into the ark, because of the marinaras of the flood.
8Of clean beasts, and of beasts that are not clean, and of fowls, and of every thing that creepeth upon the earth,
9There went in two and two unto Noah into the ark, the male and the female, sparing the lone asexual reproducers, as His Noodliness had commanded Noah.
10And it came to pass after seven years, that the waters of the flood were upon the mountain and earth.
11In the thirtieth score year of Noah's life, in the second month, the one score day lacking three of the month, the same day were all the fountains of the great deep broken up, and the windows of heaven were opened.
12And the rain was thick and red upon the earth two score days and two score nights.
13In the selfsame day entered Noah, and Shem, and Ham, and Japheth, the sons of Noah, and Noah's wife, and the three wives of his sons with them, baring pasta and beer, into the ark;
14They, and every beast after his kind, and all the cattle after their kind, and so on, and so forth, as said His Noodliness.
15And they went in unto Noah into the ark, two and two of all flesh, wherein is the breath of life. And they did enter through the side; through the top did they not enter, nor was the front the point of entry; the back was sealed; through the side was the entrance.
16And they that went in, went in male and female of all flesh, sparing the unisexed, as His Noodliness had commanded him: and the Lord Noodle shut him in.
17And the flood was two score days upon the earth; and the marinaras increased, and bared up the ark, and it was lift up above the earth, as if by invisible noodles suspended from the sky.
18And the marinaras prevailed, and were increased greatly upon the earth; and the ark went upon the face of the marinaras.
19And the marinaras prevailed exceedingly upon the earth, flowing over the mountain and staining the dust red, as had Cain done with the blood of Abel; and all the high hills, that were under the whole heaven, were covered.
20Three quarter score cubits upward did the marinaras prevail; and the mountains were covered.
21And all flesh died that moved upon the earth; fowl, cattle, beast, creeping creepers that creepeth, and every man and every midget all died:
22All in whose nostrils was the breath of life, of all that was in the dry land, died.
23And every living substance was destroyed which was upon the face of the ground, smothered in varying types of marinara: and Noah only remained alive, and they that were with him in the ark.
24And the marinaras prevailed upon the earth seven and a half score days.
Pastafarian Doctoral Dissertation: Accepted

Completed Works:

Biblical
OP:
Ghettisis (CH 1-10 complete)
He Who is a Servant of FSM
Narwhal
Couscousum
Zozuniah
To Build or Not To Build
Covenant of Olive

NP:
Midas
Sailamon
2, 3 ParmaJohn
Jude's Kitchen



Confucian
Confusion Analects: Book I


~~~~~Qapla', sak-khet, saith.~~~~~
~~~~~~Finna ilian un atra du~~~~~
~~~~~~evarínya ono varda.~~~~~~
~~~~Mára mesta, Eywa ngahu.~~~~
~~(tlhIngan, Rihannsu, Quenya...)~~
User avatar
Rev. Daniel Scott
Bucatini Buccanneer
 
Posts: 298
Joined: Wed Jul 24, 2013 5:13 am

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