Loose Canon Submissions - East Asian Material

Submit your scriptural writings for inclusion in the Loose Canon, and your tales of ancient FSM Lore, as well as any other FSM-related writing you may have.

Moderator: All Things Mods

Loose Canon Submissions - East Asian Material

Postby Platypus Enthusiast on Tue May 24, 2011 7:03 pm

Ok mateys, so we at the Third Council of Olive Garden have begun thinking about putting together a second edition of the Canon. But we have restructured the way we're doing it to make compilation easier and more organized. So anything written in the spirit of Confucian, Taoist, Shinto, later Buddhist literature can be submitted here. Think like master-student dialogues or wisdom literature. But if you have something that doesn't quite fit that model, then by all means, go for it. Also, if you want a "historical" basis for your work, check out the Torahtellini Part 1 (4:6-11) here: viewtopic.php?f=15&t=20389 And if you want, check out the First Edition of the Loose Canon here http://loose-canon.fsm-consortium.com/the-loose-canon/ for reference.
Check out an official Pastafarian holy book, the Loose Canon: http://loose-canon.fsm-consortium.com/the-loose-canon/

"With Him, All Things are Pasta-Bowl."
-ProvHerbs 3:35
User avatar
Platypus Enthusiast
Tortellini Third Mate
 
Posts: 350
Joined: Wed Nov 07, 2007 12:21 am
Location: New Jersey: The Spaghetti State

Re: Loose Canon Submissions - East Asian Material

Postby Platypus Enthusiast on Sat Jun 04, 2011 1:32 am

Just fyi, the official name of this collection has been changed from 'East Asian Material' to the 'Dào Bǎo Jīng' which translates to 'The Canon (Jīng) of the Way (Dào) and the Satiation of Hunger (Bǎo)'

-Third Council of Olive Garden
Check out an official Pastafarian holy book, the Loose Canon: http://loose-canon.fsm-consortium.com/the-loose-canon/

"With Him, All Things are Pasta-Bowl."
-ProvHerbs 3:35
User avatar
Platypus Enthusiast
Tortellini Third Mate
 
Posts: 350
Joined: Wed Nov 07, 2007 12:21 am
Location: New Jersey: The Spaghetti State

Re: Loose Canon Submissions - East Asian Material

Postby Platypus Enthusiast on Thu Mar 15, 2012 5:43 pm

We could really use some material for this section. Think Confucianism, Daoism, Zen. Maybe some koans?
Check out an official Pastafarian holy book, the Loose Canon: http://loose-canon.fsm-consortium.com/the-loose-canon/

"With Him, All Things are Pasta-Bowl."
-ProvHerbs 3:35
User avatar
Platypus Enthusiast
Tortellini Third Mate
 
Posts: 350
Joined: Wed Nov 07, 2007 12:21 am
Location: New Jersey: The Spaghetti State

Re: Loose Canon Submissions - East Asian Material

Postby Roland Deschain on Thu Mar 15, 2012 6:52 pm

PE, i'm doing something along these lines, and have the first couple of chapters down in another thread (The Great Dark Age), with the rest following in sections. It feels a little like a European story at the beginning, but will slowly evolve into something with more of an Eastern feel. But with pirates! I'm not sure exactly what's going to happen, as i'm writing it on the fly, but hopefully it will collect a few tenets of Eastern philosophy along the way.
Roland Deschain - Half prophet, half gunslinger, all Pastafarian!

"Since Alexander Pearce escaped, over 250 people have disappeared in the Tasmanian wilderness. No remains have ever been found." - Dying Breed
User avatar
Roland Deschain
Sorcerer of Sauce
 
Posts: 3586
Joined: Thu Feb 11, 2010 2:13 pm
Location: BASE jumping off the Dark Tower.

Re: Loose Canon Submissions - East Asian Material

Postby Platypus Enthusiast on Sat Mar 17, 2012 1:54 pm

very cool dude, i'll be checking that out later today
Check out an official Pastafarian holy book, the Loose Canon: http://loose-canon.fsm-consortium.com/the-loose-canon/

"With Him, All Things are Pasta-Bowl."
-ProvHerbs 3:35
User avatar
Platypus Enthusiast
Tortellini Third Mate
 
Posts: 350
Joined: Wed Nov 07, 2007 12:21 am
Location: New Jersey: The Spaghetti State

Re: Loose Canon Submissions - East Asian Material

Postby Roland Deschain on Sat Mar 17, 2012 3:51 pm

My story of 7 chapters is now finished, but i've changed the name to Penne and the Art of Pasta Making. Hope you like it.
Roland Deschain - Half prophet, half gunslinger, all Pastafarian!

"Since Alexander Pearce escaped, over 250 people have disappeared in the Tasmanian wilderness. No remains have ever been found." - Dying Breed
User avatar
Roland Deschain
Sorcerer of Sauce
 
Posts: 3586
Joined: Thu Feb 11, 2010 2:13 pm
Location: BASE jumping off the Dark Tower.

Re: Loose Canon Submissions - East Asian Material

Postby Qwertyuiopasd on Sat Jul 27, 2013 4:02 pm

Just wanted to include links to my submissions for the Dao Bao Jing here, for ease of record keeping. First is one I submitted a while ago, but will hopefully get around to adding at least one chapter to: The Teachings of Lao Mein. The second I just posted, and is a one-off between the student and the master at a monastery: The Student and the Master.

Koans is a good idea... maybe if we come up with a few we can make a thread for it, like with provHerbs.
daftbeaker wrote:But if I stop bugging you I'll have to go back to arguing with Qwerty about whether beauty is truth and precisely what we both mean by 'purple' :moon:


Any statistical increase in the usage of the :idiot: emoticon since becoming Admin should not be considered significant, meaningful, or otherwise cause for worry.
User avatar
Qwertyuiopasd
Admirable Admiral Qwerty
 
Posts: 14338
Joined: Wed Sep 14, 2005 5:38 pm
Location: Northern Virginia

Re: Loose Canon Submissions - East Asian Material

Postby StJason on Sat Aug 10, 2013 4:44 am

A parable of the most Blessed of Vegetables*

Long ago, before people lived in cities, when all sailed upon the seas, for the great lands had not been created yet, only a few mountains with trees and midgits. Farther back then even your grandfather remembers. No, further back then that. No, seriously. It was a really, really, really long time ago.

Anyrate, back then, the Flying Spaghetti Monster appeared to a small ship crewed by just seven brothers. "Hey! You guys got to check this out!" said the Flying One. And because this was in the days when one did what one was told when a giant sentient mass of moving pasta appeared, the brothers followed the Flying Spaghetti Monster. For seven days they sailed, West and East, North and South (with no landmarks and before the invention of the sextant, it was pretty easy to get lost... even if you are an omniscient creator-diety) until they came upon an island. This island was most unusual and made the brothers cry out in wonder. For one thing, it was bigger then any island they had ever seen - stretching out to both horizons, and passing far beyond their sight across. Secondly, while it did have trees, it had a great many other things on it. Things that were green like trees but were only a few inches high. Other things that were like the Ocean, only long and noodle-like.
"Look guys... I'm kind of hungover right now, and besides, I got to go and mess with Mosey. So I haven't named all these things yet. Why don't you wander around a bit, come up with some good names, and I'll be back in a little while? Okay bye!" Said the Founder Al Dente, as he faded from sight. And the brothers, not having much else to do, got onto this new island and began to wonder around.

The first brother was known as Gi, and was most concerned with following the FSM's word. He began by saying "I think we should decide what to call this island first."
"Is 'island' not good enough?" asked the others?
"No, for this is something bigger and different then other islands. It needs a bigger and different name then 'island'" And the brothers thought and thought, and came up with many names. But none of them could agree. One wanted to call it "SpaghettiMonsterThing", another wanted to call it "island 2.0", and a third for some reason wanted to call it "Studebaker". And while most liked the name "Continent", Gi wanted something better. "It is like an island," he mused "so we should call it something like 'island'. Iiiiiiislaaaaand... Eye... Land. Land! That is it! We shall call it The Land!" and the other brothers agreed mostly to shut him up.

The second brother was known as Yuuki, and was completely unafraid. He went into the trees and came back with a strange thing. It was something like a fish, which all sailors know, but it moved on land rather then flopping and gasping. It was long and smooth down it's length, like a noodle. "Look at this thing I found!" he said. "It was just sitting there on a rock, and it made this hissing noise with it's tail! What should we call it?" And then the noodle-fish twisted in his grip and turned and bit him. "Ow!" said Yuuki, who threw the creature into the trees. "What a sneaky thing! And now my hand aches. I think I shall call it that to make sure nobody trusts it... A Sneak-ache.. or sn-ache for short."

Jin was the third brother, and was very concerned for Yuuki's hand, which had begun to swell and was a most impressive purple color. But Yuuki was not afraid, so Jin kept quiet for the most part. He found a strange object growing on the end of a long tree-that-grows-along-the-ground-but-isn't-a-tree (you see? They really did need names) It was somewhat orange in color, and was sort of round, like a meatball. "What should we call this meatball-like thing?" he asked of his brothers. "It's not a meatball" they cried. "Yes, I know that. I'm not that stupid! But it is sort of like one. I wonder if you can eat it?"
So the brothers tried eating one, but found the outside hard. When one of them got disgusted and threw it on the ground, it burst open, showing a soft inside. The brothers tried the insides. "Disgusting!" said Gi. "I feel sick" said Yuuki. "It's not that bad... okay, yeah it is." said Jin. And he left it there on ground. Gi was so angry at the disgusting vegetable that he stomped it with his foot. "We shall call them squash, because that is all they are good for!" and proceeded to squash them.

Makoto was the fourth brother, and the other brothers liked to play games of chance with him as he was notoriously bad at bluffing and could not tell a lie to save his life. He found an animal that made a noise like "Bow-wow!" so he named it a Gao. (because this was in pre-historic China, I guess?). He found another animal that made a sound like "Meow" so called it a Mao. The other brothers tackled him and dragged him back to the ship before he could name the "Moo" or the "Roar" or the "Chirp". He was very truthful, but not very smart.

Yuuki rubbed his hand worriedly, as it was quite large by now and also hot. "Hey guys? I think I'm going to go lie down. I don't feel so good." He headed back to the ship, where he was very sick indeed and never really trusted those sneak-aches again...

Meiyo was the brother that the others liked to pick on, because he was so uptight about it. They'd call him a name and he'd get all huffy and upset and they would laugh and laugh. He went out to name several things that didn't have great stories behind them, like the stream (because the water streams down... all in a... well, stream...) and the Ass, and the Cock and the calendar and the concept of time and oddly enough red tape, which he found a whole roll of behind a rock.

The youngest brother was named Chuugi, and he was a bit of a kiss-ass. He alone did not name anything, but simply agreed with what everyone else said. He was the one that noticed that Yuuki was carrying a squash with him. "Hey, Gi. Yuuki has a squash." he said. And Gi turned around and was about to demonstrate his hated of the vegetable, when suddenly the Flying Spaghetti Monster showed up.

"Hey guys! How's it going?" asked the Infinite Noodle.

"Not bad, not bad. Naming lots of stuff..." answered the brothers.

"Hey, wasn't there another of you before?" asked the Supreme Wisdom of the Kitchen.

And the brothers admitted that there was. And that he had gotten sick after the sneak-ache had bit him. And had headed to the boat.

"Sneak-ache? What is that?" asked the Most Divine.

So the brothers described the thing... long, no fins like a fish, but scales like a fish.. kind of sneaky.

"Oh! Yeah! I know that thing... And it bit your brother? Oh. Uh-oh... Hang on, let me do something real quick here..." and He did something really quick which probably saved Yuuki's life, though none of the brothers realized it.

The brothers took the Spaghetti Monster through The Land (the other brothers still thought that 'continent' was a better name) and showed him a Mao and a stream and the roll of red tape. And most of the names The Monsterist agreed with (He also liked 'continent' better, though Gi kept insisting it was The Land, and when they set back out to sea, told many other pirates that is what it was called, which is why we call it that still today...). And when they had showed Him all that they had named, He thanked them for their time and brought them to their ship. As they were climbing aboard, He noticed Yuuki's squash.
"And what is this thing?" He asked.

"oh, that..." started Yuuki, but it was grabbed by him by Gi.

"It is called a squash, because that is what you do with it!" said Gi, who threw it to the deck and stomped on it.

"Huh. I thought I made that thing for people to eat..." mused the Spaghetti Monster. "Did you not try and eat it?"

"Well, yes..." started Yuuki

"....and?" Asked the Cosmic Noodle.

"Well..." began Yuuki, because it's hard to say something sucked to it's creator. "...we are but simple sailors...we eat mostly noodles... and this is nothing like noodles. Frankly, we hate it."

"Worst. Vegetable. Ever." agreed Makoto.

The Spaghetti Monster gestured toward the squashed squash, and it became whole again. "So, if it was more like noodles you'd like it? Gi, stop that." And with a gesture He made it whole again.

Yuuki was feeling quite embarrassed and just wanted to not be put on the spot again. So he just quickly nodded. And the Monster gestured again and the squash flew through the air into Yuuki's hands.

"Try it now." said the Beginning and Ending of the Noodle.

So Yuuki broke it over the rail. And on the inside, instead of thick meat was loads of spaghetti-like strings. So the brothers took the spaghetti in and cooked it and poured rich marinara and mozzarella over it. And they decided that it wasn't bad at all. Even Gi had to admit it (though he still wanted to smash the shell.)

And even today, you can find the one vegetable that is more blessed then any other. More then the tomato to make sauce, more then the grain used to make noodle. For the Spaghetti Squash doesn't require effort to make, only some time and seeds. Even other gourds try and grow strings like the spaghetti Squash, yet none are as blessed as it is. Even the Flying Spaghetti Monster agrees. "I'm not normally into that kind of stuff, but if you are vegan or a celiac or something, the Spaghetti Squash is pretty good." He said. And that is pretty high praise if we do say so ourselves.
-----------------------------------------------------------
* - Or is it a fruit? I guess it is a gourd or something. Ugh. Well, we'll figure it out someday.
User avatar
StJason
Gnocchetti Galley Slave
 
Posts: 57
Joined: Mon Aug 11, 2008 2:04 am
Location: Beaverton, Oregon, United States, North America, Earth, Sol, Milky Way

Re: Loose Canon Submissions - East Asian Material

Postby Peregrinans on Sun Aug 11, 2013 4:23 am

Greetings,
My name's Peregrinans, and I registered as a newbie to this website just so I could submit something to your project. I'm a Chinese translator by trade, and I worked up a little parody of Laozi custom-made for your project, in Chinese and English. I hope you like it. But first you have to approve my post (which will be my second, following the obligatory "New Convert" post) before I'm officially allowed onto the site. I would be ever so obliged if you did.

Thanks,
Peregrinans
Peregrinans
Conchigliette Convert
 
Posts: 4
Joined: Sun Aug 11, 2013 3:36 am

Re: Loose Canon Submissions - East Asian Material

Postby The Dark Noodle on Sun Aug 11, 2013 9:13 am

Peregrinans wrote:Greetings,
My name's Peregrinans, and I registered as a newbie to this website just so I could submit something to your project. I'm a Chinese translator by trade, and I worked up a little parody of Laozi custom-made for your project, in Chinese and English. I hope you like it. But first you have to approve my post (which will be my second, following the obligatory "New Convert" post) before I'm officially allowed onto the site. I would be ever so obliged if you did.

Thanks,
Peregrinans


I look forward to reading it :welcome:
The Dark Noodle
AKA - The Rev. Dr. Jo Freddie

The Book of Piraticus 12:1-3
I gave you brains, the ability to reason, and free will for a reason.
Please use them.
If I say something dumb, question it.
http://www.loose-canon.info/ - A really Important Collection of Words.
User avatar
The Dark Noodle
Cavatappi Cabin Boy
 
Posts: 81
Joined: Wed Feb 13, 2008 8:46 pm
Location: Council of The Olive Garden, The Rev. Dr. Jo Freddie

Re: Loose Canon Submissions - East Asian Material

Postby Peregrinans on Sun Aug 11, 2013 11:17 pm

Greetings,

Following is my riff on the Dao Bao Jing meme. The Chinese portion is a direct parody of the first chapter of the actual Dao De Jing, with some puns thrown in that only Chinese readers will get. Did you know that "pirate" is pronounced "Dào" just like "The Way" is pronounced "Dào"? And "All you can eat" is pronounced "Chī Dào Bǎo." It all seems so cosmically inevitable. Anyway without further ado...

--Peregrinans



The Dào Bǎo Jīng
or
“The Canon of the Way and the Satiation of Hunger”

Preface


The obscure and fragmentary, yet notoriously inscrutable, “Dao Bao Jing” has been translated into the English language perhaps more times than any other obscure and fragmentary treatise of ancient China (i.e., twice). Yet despite the best efforts of both scholars, the true meaning of the text has proved elusive to centuries of readers.

Little is known of the first English translator, one Jeremiah “Scragglechin” Drubb, other than his service as a whaling boat seaman, as well as his fugitive status related to “jumping ship” on the isle of Tahiti and the alleged purloining of a minor quantity of gold bullion. The publication of his translation, clumsily titled “The Highway to Satisfaction,” met with nearly universal disapproval from academic circles but nonetheless enjoyed a certain warm reception among the lower echelons of the populace. It was with no small relief that scholarly circles welcomed the now standard translation by professors Feng-Gia Foo and Mary Prickle, of Balliol College, Oxford, which captured the more abstruse insights underpinning the original text.

Along with the original Chinese, both versions are included herein, for the sake of comparison.


道飽經

吃到飽非常飽,喝到倒非常盜
無麵,天地之餓,有麵,萬物之樂
故常無飲,莫名其妙,常有飲,以灌其笑
此兩者同吃而配,同餵之炫,
炫之又炫,眾麵之門。



“The Canon of the Way and the Satiation of Hunger”

(tr. Foo and Prickle)

The consumption that may be sated is not the absolute consummation.
The imbibement that may be upturned is not the eternal expropriation.
Noodlelessness is the yearning of heaven and earth.
Noodleness is the bliss of the myriad forms.
Thus, eternal nothingness absorbs the absurd;
Eternal being is infused with merriment;
Together these two result in harmony;
they appear as incandescence.
Incandescence within incandescence.
The gate to the great tubular unleavening.



The Highway to Satisfaction

(tr. Drubb)

“All you can eat” can leave you really stuffed.
“Drink till you drop” is what a pirate’s all about.
Without pasta, the universe would starve.
With pasta, the whole world’s a lark.
Going a long time without a drink is senseless.
So drink often, with a swig and a smile!
Two great tastes that go great together --
Eating and drinking, it’s brilliant.
Brilliant, absolutely brilliant.
Once you’re in the door, a huge pile of pasta awaits.
Peregrinans
Conchigliette Convert
 
Posts: 4
Joined: Sun Aug 11, 2013 3:36 am

Re: Loose Canon Submissions - East Asian Material

Postby Qwertyuiopasd on Mon Aug 12, 2013 12:00 am

This is amazing, and I love it.
daftbeaker wrote:But if I stop bugging you I'll have to go back to arguing with Qwerty about whether beauty is truth and precisely what we both mean by 'purple' :moon:


Any statistical increase in the usage of the :idiot: emoticon since becoming Admin should not be considered significant, meaningful, or otherwise cause for worry.
User avatar
Qwertyuiopasd
Admirable Admiral Qwerty
 
Posts: 14338
Joined: Wed Sep 14, 2005 5:38 pm
Location: Northern Virginia

Re: Loose Canon Submissions - East Asian Material

Postby The Dark Noodle on Mon Aug 12, 2013 12:08 am

Qwertyuiopasd wrote:This is amazing, and I love it.

I second that emotion :drinking:
The Dark Noodle
AKA - The Rev. Dr. Jo Freddie

The Book of Piraticus 12:1-3
I gave you brains, the ability to reason, and free will for a reason.
Please use them.
If I say something dumb, question it.
http://www.loose-canon.info/ - A really Important Collection of Words.
User avatar
The Dark Noodle
Cavatappi Cabin Boy
 
Posts: 81
Joined: Wed Feb 13, 2008 8:46 pm
Location: Council of The Olive Garden, The Rev. Dr. Jo Freddie

Re: Loose Canon Submissions - East Asian Material

Postby Dechujoh64 on Mon Aug 12, 2013 12:32 am

The Dark Noodle wrote:
Qwertyuiopasd wrote:This is amazing, and I love it.

I second that emotion :drinking:

and I've Thirded it. :fsm_rock:
Pope Dechujoh is the name.
Oh, here is a list of things that I have writin:
Click the link->The Book of Dechujoh.:
Letter to the Risians. (14 Chapters.) has been writin
Letter to the Udonites. (2 Chpts.) has been writin
Letters between D and M the Udonite. (6 Chpts)has been writin
Letters to the Fiorites is next. Started on.
Revelations 3: The Scroll of the 7 Sealed Pastas(17 Chpts)has been writin
Image<---T.A.R.D.I.S
User avatar
Dechujoh64
Cavatappi Cabin Boy
 
Posts: 99
Joined: Thu Dec 20, 2012 9:57 pm
Location: Toledo, Arrghio

Re: Loose Canon Submissions - East Asian Material

Postby Peregrinans on Tue Aug 13, 2013 12:48 am

If ye be pleased, I be double.

May His noodly appendage keep you all tickled pink!
Peregrinans
Conchigliette Convert
 
Posts: 4
Joined: Sun Aug 11, 2013 3:36 am

Next

Return to Scripture and Lore

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 4 guests