The Gospel of Little John
1. Shipwrecked, stranded on a desert isle with nothing but sand to eateth and salt water to drinketh.
2. Little John had lost thy crew, lost thy ship, lost thy grog, lost thy parrot, and lost thy wenches.
3.All seemed hopeless, but let him die the FSM did not.
4. The FSM spoketh thy words "Little John, thou are a midget pirate, with a beard longer than thy body?"
5. "WHAT?!' yelledeth Little John
6. "Thou are a midget pirate, with a beard longer than thy body?"
7. "YEAUH!" spoketh Little John "And what are thou?"
8. Thy Lord spoketh his word "I am your Lord and Saviour, the Flying Spaghetti Monster."
9. "Arrrgh, why are we talking like imbecils who can't speak the English language?"
10. "I thought that's how people talked back then..."
11. "Aye, uneducated people."
12. "Anyways....I am the Flying Spaghetti Monster, hear my words of wisdom, I will set you free from this island, but you must spread the Faith."
14. "Aye, but do not let spreading my word get in the way of having a jolly good time!"
15. "RAmen to that, Also, I have just one more question for you my Lord, if I may."
16. "So be it, what knowledge do you desire?"
17. "I desire to know why you cursed me with this shortness, I have trouble reaching the grog on the highest shelf, and topshelf liquor is the best."
18. "Hmmmm, well I made you that short for many reasons and here they are:
1. You can easily hide from enemies.
2. You can easily execute surprise attacks.
3. When making love to your wench your head is convienently placed in her bosom.
4. You recieve extra touching from my noodly appendage.
5. You can get into the movies at the cost of a child (when with a larger man.)
and that's all I can come up with right now."
19. The FSM looked down upon the frowning pirate midget and sighed, "I'll tell you what, I'll use my noodly appendages to construct a device called a step ladder, it is a device that can fold up and become small enough for you to carry, then unfold and become tall enough for you to stand on and reach the highest shelf."
20. Little John looked up with glee and said "Thank you FSM for this magical device!"
21. The FSM let him observe the device and master its use, Little John watched how it magically folded and unfolded.
22. Then the FSM said "Go now, I will transfer you to the mainland, spread my word, and above all, have a jolly good time."
23. The FSM lifted up Little John with his noodly appendage and placed him in Italy.
1. Little John began his mission in Rome.
2. He didn't really want to, but no matter which road he took he always ended up there.
3. He just figured it was the will of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
4. He marched on into the nearest Olive Garden and ordered a plate of spaghetti, and a pitcher of grog.
5. He noticed a man next to him, he looked scurvy, but he was no pirate.
6."Ahoy there" Little John said to the scurvy looking man, "would you care for some spaghetti on me?"
7. "Why that would be lovely, you see I am poor and the gods are angry with me, I haven't eaten in days."
8.The scurvy man sat with Little John and they feasted upon spaghetti, it was most delicous.
9. Little John looked down at his scrumptious noodles, and noticed they moved as if they were alive.
10. His noodles arranged to form a word, and that word was "CONVERT"
11. The sign gave Little John an idea.
12. "Excuse me," spoke Little John, "but I have a proposition for you," Little John stood up "a proposition for all of you.
13. All of you can be touched by his Noodly Appendage, you can all lead better lives, enriched with carbohydrates at affordable prices!"
14. No longer will your stomachs rumble, will your bodies be forced to live life sober!
15. The Flying Spaghetti Monster will bless all who are willing with his Noodly Appendage, now if you wish to embrace his Noodly Appendage, let out an ARRRRGH!"
16. The entire restraunt let out a heavenly "Arrrrrgh!"
17. The remainder of the night was spent eating free pasta and drinking free grog, courtesy of the manager of the Olive Garden.
1. Little John woke up around 3:00 am.
2. He was wasted, having drank too much grog the night before, which was just a few hours ago.
3. He got up to go take a puke, and puked all over a bush.
4. He looked up and the bush was burning.
5. "Hello" said the burning bush.
6. "What the hell, bushes don't talk, especially burning ones, if anything a burning bush would be screaming."
7. "I am not an ordinary bush."
8. "Aye, your a burning bush."
9. "I'm not an ordinary burning bush."
10. "Most bushes burning aren't ordinary, ehhhh.."
11. Little John vomited once more on the bush and this time his vomit put out the flames.
12. "Thank you," replied the burnt bush, "but like I said I am not a bush, I am the FSM."
13. "WHAT!?" yelled Little John.
14. "I am the Flying Spaghetti Monster, and I have taken the form of a burning bush to talk to you."
15. "WHAT?!" yelled Little John
16. "Congratulations on converting all of the customers and staff at Olive Garden, but your work does not end there.
17. You must now set sail on the medditerrainian with a crew of Pastafarians, head towards Pastasalem there you will find a block of cheese.
18. Smash this block of cheese into a fine powder and put it on your spaghetti.
19. The block of cheese, however is a trickster.
20. You must ignore his words, no matter what he says, if we wish to achieve superb spaghetti flavor you must smash it with a hammer.
21. Once you have this enchanting powder, sprinkle it onto your spaghetti and meatballs, and that is the secret to the ultimate spaghetti."
22. "Aye, I will complete this quest and achieve the ultimate spaghetti!" shouted Little John, and then he passed out.
1. Little John awoke again around 2:00 pm.
2. He immdeiatley gathered a crew of bucaneers, and hi-jacked a lovely vessel.
3. He set sail in his new ship, which was stalked with grog, pasta, and wenches.
4. It was late, his crew was asleep, Little John layed on the poop deck and admired the moon.
5. Then out of thin air, the FSM accumulated.
6. "What are you doing?" questioned the FSM.
7. "I am fulfilling your desires, as requested." responded Little John
8. "What are you talking about?"
9. "You took the form of a burning bush and told me to voyage to Pastasalem in search of cheese which I was supposed to smash up with a hammer and put on my spaghetti."
10. "A burning bush huh, I don't think so.
11. What I do think is that you had way to much grog that night."
12. "Oh yeah, of course it all makes sense now, gosh, I'm so embarassed."
13. "Don't be embarassed, I know how you feel.
14. Sometimes when I'm in heaven and I've taken to many hits off of the beer volcano I'll go to take a piss on a bush and all of the sudden that bush is talking to me."
15. "So I'm not supposed to put powdered cheese on my spaghetti?"
16. "No, well, actually now that I think about it that sounds pretty damn good.
17. Here, I'll use my noodly appendages to conjure up some powdered cheese, it shall be called partesian cheese."
18. "Actually, a partisian is a type of weapon."
19. "Oh, well uhhh, how about parmesian cheese then?"
20. "Sounds good, so what is my new mission?"
22. What is this Charlie's Angels?
23. Just live your life, spread my word, and be good to others, that is the mission of life.
24. It is everyones mission to do this, not just yours, stop acting so special, your breaking the seventh IRRYD.
25. This is the last time we shall speak, just carry out my final words and you shall have a VIP pass into heaven."
26. "Yes my lord, I shall party and have fun, and spread your word when it is convienant for me!"
28. "RAmen, YEAUH!"
DAMN YOU NOAH, DAMN YOU TO THE ICEY PITS OF ANTARCTICA