And then there was a great noise, as an angel blew the seventh kazoo of the apocalypse, and broke the seventh seal.
And I did see the last two saints, being Elvis and "Bob", come over the horizon in a monster truck, big-footing the carcasses of the heathens and the polluters and the hippies and the Starbucks Wiccansâ„¢. And their tires were 10 cubits tall, and verily, they had an I-beam bumper. Their stereo system was pumping out The Talking Heads, and they screamed imprecations down upon the wretches below with voices like unto thunder.
And in the back of the monster truck stood The Fighting Jesus, and he wielded a Tommy Gun that blazed like unto a star, and he smote the non-believers, yea, even until he had to change magazines.
And Elvis did point to the other horizon, where a great Beast with seven heads did rouse itself from the ground.
And one head was named "General Electric", and did spout PCBs in front of it like a vile fog. Upon its forehead was a barcode, which can only be read by the unworthy.
And the second head was named "Raytheon", and it spewed forth cruise missiles and cluster bombs.
And the third head was named "Halliburton", and it had a thousand faces and from its mouths came the screams of thousands of thousands of dead GIs and Iraqis.
And the fourth head was named "Viacom", and it babbled nonsense, til the ears of those unfortunates nearby bled, and their faces went slack, like unto those of idiots.
And the fifth head was named "Union Carbide", and it breathed out poison.
And the sixth head was named "special prosecutor", and it peeked though the windows of houses the beast walked past.
And the seventh head was named "Verizon", and none could speak without wearing its symbol.
And "Bob", who was too busy fucking with the radio, did drive the Monster Truck straight into the belly of the beast, and the noise of them coming together was like unto the end of the world.
And the smoke did clear, and lo! I saw Elvis and "Bob" and The Fighting Jesus walking from the wreckage, and I did hear their conversation.
"Bob" did offer The Fighting Jesus $50 for what was left of the planet, and The Fighting Jesus did agree, but that "Bob" would have to pay the property tax. And so it was agreed.
And Elvis did look around, and say, "Well, it's obvious that monkeys didn't work. Let's try racoons next time."
And then he did shut off the lights.
Or Kill me.
Editor in chief of "SHUT UP", The American Journal of Misanthropy.
Or kill me.