Humor in the written word ..

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AFTERGLOW
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby AFTERGLOW » Wed Mar 19, 2014 3:24 pm

A Scottish Jew decided to retire and take up golf, so he applied for membership at a local golf club.


About a week later he received a letter that his application has been rejected.

He went to the club to inquire as to why.

Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?

Scot: Aye, but I am as Scottish as you are, ma'am, my name is MacTavish.

Secretary: Do you know that on formal occasions we wear a kilt?

Scot: Aye, I do know, and I wear a kilt too.

Secretary: You are also aware, that we wear nothing under the kilt?

Scot: Aye, and neither do I.

Secretary: Are you also aware, that the members sit naked in the steam room?

Scot: Aye, I also do the same.

Secretary: But you are a Jew?

Scot: Aye, I be that.

Secretary: So, being Jewish, you are circumcised, is that correct?

Scot: Aye, I be that, too.

Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable sitting in
the steam room with you, since your privates are different from theirs.


Scot: Ach, I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen and I know that you have to be a Catholic to join the Knights of Columbus but this is the first time I've heard that
you have to be a complete prick to join a golf club!
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrg..

Ahoy, me Hearties!

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AFTERGLOW
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby AFTERGLOW » Mon Mar 24, 2014 8:08 pm

Ole was hunting geese up in the Minnesota woods.

He leaned the old 12 gauge shotgun against the corner of the blind to take a leak.

As luck would have it, his foolish dog knocked the gun over, it went off and Ole took most of a few ounces of buckshot in the groin.

Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to... and
there was his doctor, Sven.

"Vell Ole, I got some good news and some bad news.

Da good news is dat you are going to be OK. Da damage vas local to your groin, dere was very little internal damage, and I vas able to remove all of da buckshot."

"What's the bad news?", asks Ole

"Da bad news is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done
to your pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena ."

"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," says Ole. "Is your sister a plastic
surgeon?"

"Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in da Minneapolis
Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you vhere to put your fingers,
so you don't pee in your eye."
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrg..

Ahoy, me Hearties!

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ET, the Extra Terrestrial
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby ET, the Extra Terrestrial » Wed Mar 26, 2014 10:49 pm

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who managed to get the most out of his computer. This had been going on for days and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So down they sat at the keyboards and typed away. They moused away.

They did spreadsheets,
They wrote reports.
They sent faxes.
They sent out e-mail.
They sent out e-mail with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did some genealogy reports.
They made cards.
They did every known job.

But just a few minutes before the two hours were up lightening flashed across the sky. The thunder rolled and the rains came down hard. And of course the electricity went off.

Satan was upset. He fumed and fussed and he ranted and raved, all to no avail. The electricity stayed off. But after a bit the rains stopped and the electricity came back on.

Satan screamed, "I lost it all when the power went off. What am I going to do? What happened to Jesus' work?"

Jesus just sat and smiled. Again Satan asked about the work that Jesus had done. As Jesus turned his computer back on the screen glowed and when he pushed "print," it was all there.

"How did he do it?" Satan asked.

God smiled and said, "Jesus Saves."
"Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens."
("Against stupidity, the gods themselves contend in vain.")
-- Friedrich Schiller (1759–1805)
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
-- Philip K Dick

OK, now let's look at four dimensions on the blackboard.
-- Dr. Joy

English isn't much of a language for swearing. When I studied Ancient Greek I was delighted to discover a single word - Rhaphanidosthai - which translates roughly as "Be thou thrust up the fundament with a radish for adultery."

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ET, the Extra Terrestrial
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby ET, the Extra Terrestrial » Wed Apr 09, 2014 1:00 am

Erchie, a lifelong Rangers supporter, had great centre stand tickets for the Celtic v Rangers Scottish Cup Final.
As he was sitting down, a fellow Rangers supporter came over and asked if anyone was sitting in the seat next to him. "Naw," Erchie said, "the seat is empty."
"That's incredible!" said the man. "Who in their right mind would huv a seat like that furra Scottish Cup Final and no use it? Especially as Rangers are aboot tae gie thae Tims a right guid hammering."
"Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away." said Erchie. "This is the first Scottish Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married." "Och......I'm really sorry tae hear that. That's terrible so 'tis. But could ye no find someone else - a pal, a relative, or even a neighbour tae take the seat?" Erchie shook his head.
"Naw, they're all at the funeral."
"Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens."
("Against stupidity, the gods themselves contend in vain.")
-- Friedrich Schiller (1759–1805)
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
-- Philip K Dick

OK, now let's look at four dimensions on the blackboard.
-- Dr. Joy

English isn't much of a language for swearing. When I studied Ancient Greek I was delighted to discover a single word - Rhaphanidosthai - which translates roughly as "Be thou thrust up the fundament with a radish for adultery."

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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby PKMKII » Sat May 10, 2014 3:25 pm

TWO COWS ~{Matthias Varga}

SOCIALISM You have 2 cows. You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.

SURREALISM You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

A GREEK CORPORATION You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds, dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds. You still only have two cows.

A FRENCH CORPORATION You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it worldwide.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity. You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION You have two cows. Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive...
"How is it that hardly any major religion has looked at science and concluded, 'This is better than we thought! The Universe is much bigger than our prophets said, grander, more subtle, more elegant. God must be even greater than we dreamed'? Instead they say, 'No, no, no! My god is a little god, and I want him to stay that way.'" - Carl Sagan

"To doubt everything or to believe everything are two equally convenient solutions; both dispense with the necessity of reflection." - Henri Poincaré

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PKMKII
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby PKMKII » Thu Jun 05, 2014 8:13 pm

A woman makes an appointment with her doctor. She goes to the doctor's office and during the examination she says, "Doctor, I've got a problem that i am deeply concerned about. I keep farting all the time, they don't smell or make a sound but I am constantly farting all the time, in fact I've farted 15 times since you've stepped in the room to exam me, I'm very worried that there is something wrong with me." the doctor writes her a prescription and says,

"take 2 of these a day and see me in a week"

The woman comes back in a week and says,

"these pills aren't helping, in fact I'm even worse, I'm still farting all the time, they still don't make any noise, but now they smell horrible"

the doctor says "good, we've cleared up your sinuses, now let's work on your hearing"
"How is it that hardly any major religion has looked at science and concluded, 'This is better than we thought! The Universe is much bigger than our prophets said, grander, more subtle, more elegant. God must be even greater than we dreamed'? Instead they say, 'No, no, no! My god is a little god, and I want him to stay that way.'" - Carl Sagan

"To doubt everything or to believe everything are two equally convenient solutions; both dispense with the necessity of reflection." - Henri Poincaré

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Monobaz
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby Monobaz » Sat Oct 18, 2014 6:42 am

Two cows were happily grazing in a paddock. One cow says to the other: "Are you afraid of catching mad cow disease?" The second cow responds: "No, I'm a helicopter!"
"There was a time when religion ruled the world. It is known as the Dark Ages." Ruth Hurmence Green

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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby ET, the Extra Terrestrial » Wed Dec 24, 2014 1:12 pm

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a free drink. The bartender says "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a multi-level meta joke."

So the guy says "A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a free drink. The bartender says "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a meta joke." "

"So the guy says "A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a free drink. The bartender says "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a good joke." "

""So the guy says "What do you do when you see a spaceman? You park, man."

So the bartender gives him a free beer." ""

"So the bartender gives him a free beer." "

So the bartender gives him a free beer."

So the bartender gives him a free beer.
"Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens."
("Against stupidity, the gods themselves contend in vain.")
-- Friedrich Schiller (1759–1805)
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
-- Philip K Dick

OK, now let's look at four dimensions on the blackboard.
-- Dr. Joy

English isn't much of a language for swearing. When I studied Ancient Greek I was delighted to discover a single word - Rhaphanidosthai - which translates roughly as "Be thou thrust up the fundament with a radish for adultery."

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ET, the Extra Terrestrial
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby ET, the Extra Terrestrial » Sun Apr 12, 2015 5:32 pm

What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?










Beer.
"Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens."
("Against stupidity, the gods themselves contend in vain.")
-- Friedrich Schiller (1759–1805)
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
-- Philip K Dick

OK, now let's look at four dimensions on the blackboard.
-- Dr. Joy

English isn't much of a language for swearing. When I studied Ancient Greek I was delighted to discover a single word - Rhaphanidosthai - which translates roughly as "Be thou thrust up the fundament with a radish for adultery."

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PKMKII
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby PKMKII » Sun Jul 19, 2015 12:40 am

Once upon a time, there were three kingdoms, all bordering on the same lake. For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all.

The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as their squires polished armor, cooked food, and sharpened weapons. The second kingdom was not so wealthy, and sent only 10 knights, each with 2 squires. The night before the battle, the knights cavorted and sharpened their weapons as the squires polished armor and prepared dinner. The third kingdom was very poor, and only sent one elderly knight with his sole squire. The night before the battle, the knight sharpened his weapon, while the squire, using a looped rope, slung a pot high over the fire to cook while he prepared the knight's armor.

The next day, the battle began. All the knights of the first two kingdoms had cavorted a bit too much (one should never cavort while sharpening weapons and jousting) and could not fight. The squire of the third kingdom could not rouse the elderly knight in time for combat. So, in the absence of the knights, the squires fought.

The battle raged well into the late hours, but when the dust finally settled, a solitary figure limped from the carnage. The lone squire from the third kingdom dragged himself away, beaten, bloodied, but victorious.

And it just goes to prove, the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

(I would have posted this in science funnies, but that would have given away the punchline)
"How is it that hardly any major religion has looked at science and concluded, 'This is better than we thought! The Universe is much bigger than our prophets said, grander, more subtle, more elegant. God must be even greater than we dreamed'? Instead they say, 'No, no, no! My god is a little god, and I want him to stay that way.'" - Carl Sagan

"To doubt everything or to believe everything are two equally convenient solutions; both dispense with the necessity of reflection." - Henri Poincaré

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Monobaz
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby Monobaz » Sun Aug 02, 2015 3:48 am

My good friend Salvatore belongs to the Calabrian Mafia. Recently Salvatore celebrated 25 years of wedded bliss with his dear wife, Francisca. In a moment of tenderness Salvatore confirmed that from his point of view the marriage had been perfect in every way and he asked Francisca if there was anything he could do to make their relationship even more perfect than it already was. Francisca responded rather quickly: "Well yes Sal, there are two things. Will you please stop picking your nose and when we are enjoying the delights of the bedroom, do you mind if just occasionally I get to go on top." Salvatore contemplated the request for a moment and answered: "No my darling, I cannot do these things .... years ago when I joined the mob I promised the Godfather I would always keep my nose clean and never fuck up!"
"There was a time when religion ruled the world. It is known as the Dark Ages." Ruth Hurmence Green

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AFTERGLOW
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby AFTERGLOW » Tue Aug 11, 2015 4:48 pm

""Reagan? That awful actor? He can't win."
"Bush? That chimp moron? He can't win."
"Donald Trump? That buffoon? He can't ... uh oh."" ~ Jeff Tiedrich
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrg..

Ahoy, me Hearties!

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ET, the Extra Terrestrial
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby ET, the Extra Terrestrial » Wed Aug 12, 2015 10:12 pm

AFTERGLOW wrote:""Reagan? That awful actor? He can't win."
"Bush? That chimp moron? He can't win."
"Donald Trump? That buffoon? He can't ... uh oh."" ~ Jeff Tiedrich

Never underestimate the power of a really large number of stupid and ignorant people. I've seen this movie before. I live in Maine.
"Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens."
("Against stupidity, the gods themselves contend in vain.")
-- Friedrich Schiller (1759–1805)
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
-- Philip K Dick

OK, now let's look at four dimensions on the blackboard.
-- Dr. Joy

English isn't much of a language for swearing. When I studied Ancient Greek I was delighted to discover a single word - Rhaphanidosthai - which translates roughly as "Be thou thrust up the fundament with a radish for adultery."

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Roy Hunter
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby Roy Hunter » Thu Aug 13, 2015 6:44 am

AFTERGLOW wrote:""Reagan? That awful actor? He can't win."
"Bush? That chimp moron? He can't win."
"Donald Trump? That buffoon? He can't ... uh oh."" ~ Jeff Tiedrich

Nice to see you back, Afterglow.

The man who invented auto-correct has died. I didn't even know he was I'll.
"I don't mean to sound bitter, cynical or cruel; but I am, so that's how it comes out." ~ Bill Hicks.
"To argue with a person who has renounced reason is like administering medicine to the dead." ~ Thomas Paine.
"One should not believe everything one reads on the internet." ~ Abraham Lincoln.
"If you're making a political point wearing a balaclava, you're a c***. It was true for the IRA and it's true now." ~ daftbeaker.

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gronank
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby gronank » Fri Aug 14, 2015 8:12 am

Spurious apostrophes are always confusing and amusing.
Disclaimer: Anything I say on topics of Politics, Economics, Pychology, History, really anything not concerned with the natural sciences and mathematics and especially topics concerning human behavior and/or thoughts, that is not associated with a proper reference is pure speculation on my part.


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