"GENESIS"/HISTORY

[Montjoy]

My dear colleague (It's you HB, aren't you?), when will you post the second part at last?
Now with me in between, you can post anew! :compute:

[Swatopluk]

To-morrow you may see that story at full.
If not, what happens?
Bloody restraint!

Okay, where did I rip that, ye mates?

It's almost ready, I just have to type it in :compute: .

[Montjoy]

It's Monday (or Forn-Day in your version). Where is the story?
I have better things to do than playing your herald!
It touches on consecutive posting and you know, that's against the rules!
The keyboard is yours: Post or perish!

[Swatopluk]

Okay, here it is, but there still remains one page to type and probably another to write to finish the story.

First continuation of the Story of the FSM and the Eastern Pirates

Remark concerning the pronoun 'He' in connection with the FSM
It is known that the FSM is neither male or female, but to refer to the Supreme Noodle as 'it' would be highly disrespectful and inappropriate. Therefore it is handled as with Pratchett-Dwarfes using the male pronoun neutrally for both sexes.

From here on the text has obviously been partially reworked yb a second hand. The original author (known as the "Pious Pirate" or Tupi) knew, how to spin a good yarn. The second one (known as the "Pedantic Pastrian Priest" or Thrippy) nearly spoiled it with his "literary ambition". Therefore, ye mates, don't ever allow a landlubber to edit your tales or you'll end with bowdlerized knife-related-head-removers speaking Queen's English, not the NY district that is, boring their foes to death; and with that I don't mean application of a drill or putting them into a cannon. That's just what you should do with those wannabee editors!

the wannabee editor wishes to apologize for the above rant of this sea-related redistributor of wealth and humbly begs your forgiveness for... What are you doing with that naval-related cutting tool, you linguistically challenged out-of-wedlock being? Ouch, that hurts!

As I said, ye mates, no quarter for this this PC scum. Btw, what does out-of-wedlock mean?
So here is the second part of the tale... and cut that priest's rum ration!

Chapter 2
1 And the cook formed tasty meatballs, grated the cheese and did all the things right and proper for the divine meal in His honour.
2 And He looked at everything the cook had done and behold, everything was very good.
3 But the cook said, "It is not good for the food to be alone! Let us prepare proper drinks as companion, for a pirate's throat shall never go dry; and hoarse only when it adds to the atmosphere."
4 But in vain he searched the hold.
5 There was only stale water and not much of it either
5a Neither were there many other words but 'but' and 'and' to start a sentence.
6 And the Anti-Past, who had silently crept into the ship behind His back, whispered into the cook's ear.
7 "What use is the divine food without beer or schnaps? Throw it away and serve them hardtack and stale water as befits humble seafarers!"
8 But the cook didn't listen to the temptation by the Anti-Past.
9 Being old and half-deaf has its advantages, you see!
10 He tried his best to improve the meagre drink by putting some spices into it, that's all he could do.
11 The FSM, who noticed the treacherous advances of the Anti-Past, became angry at the Foul Lord of the Diets and with a single touch of His Noodly Appendage sent him to the landlocked red states there to fight unhealthy obesity.
12 Beware, oh ye people, of the Anti-Past.
13 His balls are ersatz soy-meat and don't even ask what his appendages are made of

We have to interrupt here for a moment. There is as yet not a common opinion, whether the Anti-Past exists or what his functions are in His plan in case of existence.
Should the Wise Council of the Olive Garden decide against the "Meagre Adversary" and "Lord of the Undernourished" , the apocryphal passage above (6-13) is to be removed, erased and thrown onto the pile of heresy!

14 With rich food but poor drink ready the cook sounded the bell and the crew arrived.
15 They took the food from him and divided it under themselves, so that the scripture should be fulfilled:
16 "The Pasta they have taken from me and divided it under themselves and filled their stomachs.

Ye see, ye mates! Is that the proper way to spin the yarn? But somewhere here they let the Thrippy walk the plank and the Tupi proceed without further interruption.

17 Then some of the crew complained about the lack of proper drink but the captain stooped them and shouted, so that even the cook understood him.
18 "Silence, ye rotten ungrateful bastards!
19 It's you, who have exhausted everything that's worth to be called proper drink.
20 He did, what he could with stale water and spices.
21 He brought us food as we have never tasted anything alike and you have left not a crumb of it and even taken care not to spoil the least amount.
22 I see it in your eyes that you would not stop for hours eating, if anything were left.
23 Be grateful to the cook and to Him, who gave him the inspiration, for clearly it is divine!

[Qwertyuiopasd]

yay! nice messages and pirate stories.

who knew pirate captians had such good morals? actually some of them did.... anyhoo. any particular reason you spelled Anti-Pasta Anti-Past? anti-past would seem to be more of a future thing, but I see it's probably a choice you made to be cool, or something

~Qwerty

[Swatopluk]

I meant Anti-Past with a short A in the second part and Anti-Pastus didn't sound right. By now I have found his proper name to be Mepasto, short for Mepastophiles (= He, who does not love Pasta).
We'll hear a bit more about him when the story proceeds.
About the captain some things will become clearer once we hear his name.
I have the next part already on paper but I am a slow typist.
Wait and see! Hasta la Pasta!

[Qwertyuiopasd]

hey! I liike mephastopheles!

but mepastapheles is very good.

and I'd go with the full name, since there was a Diablo II (video game) boss named Mephisto, and that sucked that they used mephisto instead of mephistopheles.

go with Mepastapheles.

only if you like that is... =)

~Qwerty

[Swatopluk]

I think it's Him who uses the short form as in 'Hasta la Pasta, Mepasto' but he hasn't shown up yet so often because I wasn't sure, whether he would be accepted in orthodox lore. I have him inofficially promoted to mischieveous keeper of the Bad Food department in the Hereafter reserved for the really bad ones - "Nasty food for Nasty people" - like canned pasta (which is an abomination unto Him).
We'll see whether he can do more than junk food marketing.
Pastodicean problems approaching? (Why is there bad food in the world if the FSM is what it is supposed to be)

Stay tuned for some more flat jokes (but probably not today).

[darren996]

In the beginning, the Flying Spaghetti Monster created a cooking vessel of exceedingly great size.
The cooking vessel was without heat and empty.
Darkness was at the bottom.
The Flying Spaghetti Monster was hovering over the enormous cooking vessel.
The Flying Spaghetti Monster said, "Let there be water," and there was water.
The Flying Spaghetti Monster moved upon the surface of the water, and saw that it was without salt.
The Flying Spaghetti Monster salted the water and it was good.
There was evening and there was morning, one day.
The Flying Spaghetti Monster said, "Let there be a fire under the vessel and let it heat the water."
And lo the water began to boil.
The Flying Spaghetti Monster called the water, "Hot," and it was so.
There was evening and there was morning, a second day.
The Flying Spaghetti Monster said, "Let there be pasta in the midst of the water," and there was pasta.
The Flying Spaghetti Monster saw that it was good.
There was evening and there was morning, a third day.
The Flying Spaghetti Monster said, "Let there be olive oil in the midst of the pasta so that it may not stick unto itself."
There was evening and there was morning, a fourth day.
The Flying Spaghetti Monster said, "Let us make pasta in our image, after our likeness: Let every noodle be al dente."
There was evening and there was morning, a fifth day.
The Flying Spaghetti Monster said, "Behold, I have seasoned you every noodle with pesto, which is on the surface of all the pasta."
The Flying Spaghetti Monster saw everything that he had made, and, behold, it was very good.
There was evening and there was morning, a sixth day.
On the seventh day the Flying Spaghetti Monster finished his pasta which he had made; and he rested on the seventh day from all his work which he had made.

[Swatopluk]

Looks like a double post to me (here and in revelations).
But here it is more appropriate.

[darren996]

Yeah sorry. I wasn't paying attention. The one in Revelations can be deleted if one so desires...

[Swatopluk]

I made similar mistakes in the past.
We need creative posters here, therefore welcome!

[darren996]

Okay. I'll change that.

How about this one?

And the whole earth was of one language, and of one speech.
And it came to pass, as they journeyed from the east, that they found a plain in the land of Semolina; and they

dwelt there.
They said one to another, "Come, let's make loaves, and bake them thoroughly." They had wheat for bread, and they

used garlic butter for mortar.
They said, "Come, let's build ourselves a pasta buffet, and a tower whose top reaches to the sky, and let's make

ourselves a name, lest we be scattered abroad on the surface of the whole earth."
The Flying Spaghetti Monster came down to see the pasta buffet and the tower, which the children of men built.
The Flying Spaghetti Monster said, "Behold, they are one people, and they have all one language, and this is what

they begin to do. Now nothing will be withheld from them, which they intend to do.
Come, let's go down, and there confuse their language, that they may not understand one another's pasta recipes."
So the Flying Spaghetti Monster scattered them abroad from there on the surface of all the earth. They stopped

building the pasta buffet.
Therefore its name was called Babelogna, because there the Flying Spaghetti Monster confused the language of all the

earth. From there, the Flying Spaghetti Monster scattered them abroad on the surface of all the earth.

[darren996]

Is this better?

In the beginning, the Flying Spaghetti Monster created a cooking vessel Of exceedingly great size. The cooking vessel was without heat and empty. Darkness was at the bottom. The Flying Spaghetti Monster was hovering over the enormous cooking vessel. The Flying Spaghetti Monster said, "Let there be water," and there was water. The Flying Spaghetti Monster moved upon the surface of the water, and saw that it was without salt. The Flying Spaghetti Monster salted the water and it was good.

There was evening and there was morning, one day.

The Flying Spaghetti Monster said, "Let there be a fire under the vessel and let it heat the water." And lo the water began to boil. The Flying Spaghetti Monster called the water, "Hot," and it was so. The Flying Spaghetti Monster said, "Let there be pasta in the midst of the water," and there was pasta. The Flying Spaghetti Monster saw that it was good.

There was evening and there was morning, a second day.

The Flying Spaghetti Monster said, "Let there be olive oil in the midst of the pasta so that it may not stick unto

itself." The Flying Spaghetti Monster said, "Let us make pasta in our image, after our likeness: Let every noodle be al dente."

There was evening and there was morning, a third day.

The Flying Spaghetti Monster said, "Behold, I have seasoned you every noodle with sauce, which is on the surface of

all the pasta." The Flying Spaghetti Monster saw that it was good.

There was evening and there was morning, a fourth day.

The Flying Spaghetti Monster said, "Let there be an expanse of meatballs in the midst of the pasta, and let it divide

the pasta from the pasta." The Flying Spaghetti Monster saw everything that he had made, and, behold, it was very good.

On the fifth day the Flying Spaghetti Monster finished his pasta which he had made; and he rested on the fifth day

from all his work which he had made.

[darren996]

Cool! Thanks!

Does FSM create all the creatures or do they evolve from the pasta?

Are the first man and woman pygmy pirates?