THE FIRST CANONICAL PASTALMS

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THE FIRST CANONICAL PASTALMS

Postby Solipsy on Fri Oct 14, 2005 7:19 pm

The Wise Council of Olive Garden has adjudicated the first of what will be held among the many Canonical PASTALMS.

These are among the many texts up for consideration, and are by no means to be considered a finalized set. If you have submitted works that are not herein included, fear not! The Wise Council of Olive Garden is getting there. All Good Things Taketh Time.

The galleyscribe Solipsy, after several floggings, a few missed doughnuts, and many late nights, has transcribed these particular texts, finalized their edits, and will complete the numbering of the verses at some later point. Mistakes which appear are mostly as they occur in the source scrolls, and the Council has ajudicated them to be included to authenticate the character of the "Pastalmist".

Every time I run away, they catch me and put me back to work! Send doughnuts! (chocolate frosted creme-filled, please) I beg of you! s/s

*****************************************************************


Pastalm I


1I absolutely love the FSM!
2I was once a lost soul 3drifting
for one belief to

4another searching for answers.
5but then I was referred to your site,
6and now I feel his Noodly Appendage
7all through my body; 8giving me strength

9 and power fight ID nutz
10and people who believe in "evolution"
11which people cannot verify12 the verity
13of such a ridiculous subject.

14 we must help spread the knowledge
15of the inimical affects of believing
in other religions. 16Thank You sir
for unearthing ancient
scriptures of The Flying Spaghetti Monster!
17Also you site is very funny :D

Unattributed

Pastalm II

1As my Faith in the Trinity
of Spaghetti, Meatballs and Sauce grows
2I find my faith in HIM,FSM, grows too.
3I won the bi- weekly lottery
to see will get to gain favor with FSM at HIS whim
4and now I get to ask for some wishes.

5I am so happy that granting of the wishes
is also at HIS whim. 6The evidence is strong
that at some point The Flying Spaghetti Monster decides
some things 7because things happen all the time
8we can see clear unabridged data that FSM truly exists.
9In the presence of overwhelming "evidentul pasta"
10(that's Greek for LOOK AT ALL THE PASTA EVIDENCE)

11I get weak and cry but HE lifts me up
12and says HE will not be found
in the custom kitchens of the rich and famous,
13but on the carboard box dinner table of a crack addict
14and her pimps illigitamate sons and daughters.

15HE tells me this in person and then stays a while
with me and my illegitamate kids. 16For it is HE
who makes us trully rich with HIS sauce
17...and with crack cocaine so we can have sex
with strangers to pay the bills. 18Allways the provider
We will sacrifice anything for FSM.

Unattributed.

Pastalm III

After reading your letter on spaghetti – monsterism
many different parts of my life
have suddenly come together. Every time
I have been in Nassau, Bahamas
I have found myself drinking
at the PIRATES bar, now I know why
the SPAGHETTI MONSTER
has called me to a holy place. The tacky pirate
t-shirts I bought there are actually holy vestments.

When I visited SEAWORLD I felt compelled
to buy a stuffed jellyfish at the giftshop.
Now I understand, it's not a jellyfish
its the SPAGHETTI MONSTER.Your letter was terrific,
I have sent it to at least 50 people and now
I proudly own two of the tacky SPAGHETTI MONSTER
t-shirts.


Pastalm IV

As for FSM cosmology, I think that someone told me
they read that NASA was very interested
in the celestrial bodies = cheese theory
and they had one of the Astronauts taste some moon dust.
Unfortunately, he was from Ohio or some such place
and so we just because he said, 'this stuff tastes awful'
is not evidence that it wasn't actually cheese.

I'm shocked you're not keeping up on facts.

By the way, don't Hindus believe that the universe
Was created by a bowl of Rama, or something similar???
Their beliefs predate Christian beliefs
and they have persisted, I think Hindu cosmology
should be given respect, especially in light
of their apparent correspondence to FSMism.
Maybe mainstream Hindu and Buddist beliefs
should be number 4 and 5 on the list of 'theories'
for the state of Kansas.

Bill O'Reilly operates like a congressperson.
If one person writes, he doesn't see it,
if his screener says that 10,000 people have written,
then he might respond. However, this incident
is something that someone should write to Al Franken about,
IMHO, I'm sure he would be glad to proselytize on our behalf
If it were a way to stick O'Reilly.

Pastalm V

After reading through your website
I feel my understanding of the Universe
was greatly improve and simplified
giving a sense of well being
that knowing the Spaghetti Monster did it.

Allowing me to watch Satellite television,
send e-mails and make long distant phone calls
safe in the knowledge that I can ignore all
this frankly complicated and confusing
counter evidence thrown at me
by the frankly biased information sources
popular science.

I feel also that there is some bias
in the Arkansa board of education
that none of the members seemed to be trained
in any physical science or any real science
at all, which could explain there reluctance
to adopt the clearly superior theories
of Spagetti monsterism

(which are correct because believing in them
makes me right and happy) I also express
a concern that even though there are 10 members
of the Arkansa board of "education"
at most there are at most 4 different faces.

Your blinded by faithfully
Daniel

Pastalm VI

For years,
I have felt adrift in this world,
possessed of a desire
to dress like a pirate
with no real explanation.

Now, upon seeing your site,
I understand –
He touched me with His Noodly Appendage,
and I have received a Calling
to His ministry.

Yea, I shall do His bidding,
and shall dwell forever
between the Stripper Factory
and the Beer Volcano!

Adam

Pastalm VII -- Ode to Cheesus

1. Oh Parmegiana. Oh humble flaky shards of yellow.
Oh miniscule specks of flavoursome flake.
2. Thy humble origins do thus begin
with thy specially nourished cow.
3. Send forth much milk to create thee
oh beast of the moo moo. 4. Be thee stored


in large vats producing fermented whey
and be thee stored in thy copper cauldron.
5. Speed forth thy bacterial culture to sour thee.

6. Then following thy heating to 30-35 degrees celcius,
speed forth thy coagulation and formation of curds.
7. And following thy placing in form, immerse thee
in briney water and season thee. 8. And following
thy placing on the supermarket shelves, shall the wheels
of my shopping trolley speed me to the delicatessen section.
9. And there shall I purchase thee. 10. Yea verily,
shall I get a move on to the '8 items or less'
express checkout, for the woman in front
with 2 trolleys shall be feeding an army.

11. Then, following purchase of your sacred block,
shall I grate thee into a separate bowl
and store thee in preparation of the holy meal.
For thy pre-grated can form is but a smelly abomination.
12. Oh golden dandruffy accompaniment.
When thy spoon does transport thee to the holy meal,
shall thy flakes thus fall through the ribbony noodles
of delight, melt with the sacred mince and merge
with thy venerable garlic and onion seasoning.

13. For thy cheesy holiness beams forth
on top of the sacred meal like Hillary
on top of Mt Everest. 14. And whenst thy noodles
reach my mouth after many messy attempts,
including use of a man-bib,
shall thy flakes impart their flavour upon thee. 15. And then
shall ye descend my clogged oesophagus, blocked
by your holy goodness. 16. Following much aching tummy
and Alka-Seltzer, send forth much expulsion of thy massive burp.
17. For thy burp shall be a gassy expression of your cheesy goodness.
18. Yea then and only then shall I feel truly holy
and truly fulfilled.

For yours is the cheesiness, the powder
and the gluttony. For ever and ever.

RAmen The Most Inspired DaveL

Pastalm VIII -- Ode to Thy Man-Bib

1. Thou eyes hath stared at thine office clock
all morning, thus waiting for nourishment.
2. For thine office buddies shall congregate
at thy local pasta house for lunch.

3. And dressed in full suit and tie, do I order thee
Spaghetti, most holy of meals
and expensive bottle of red. 4. And in thine anticipation,
following previous drunken messy incidents,
thou waiter has brought me forth thy great friend.

5. For hastily tied to the back of my neck
is my great saviour and protector. 6. Thy Man-Bib
- most holy covering of pastafarian businessmen.

7. Blessed be thy coverage, for thy mince meat
shall not stain my Pierre Cardin suit. 8. Blessed be
thy cloaking, for thy noodle shall not sully
my Yves St Laurent tie.9. Blessed be thy shelter,
for thy parmesan shall not land on my lap.
10. For thy Armani shall wear not the holy meal
with thy cloaking. 11. And thy Calvin Kline
shall be untouched by the sacred morsels.

12. For thine wondrous Man-Bib
has saved me from a fate worse than death.
13. The wrath of mine wife and local drycleaner
14. And shall thee dwell around my neck
during many a business lunch.
Forever and ever.

RAmen The Most Inspired DaveL

Pastalm IX -- The Holy Ponderance

1. Oh Great Noodly One. To thee I doth ponder,
for thy presence inspires much rumbling of my tummy.
2. And after repeated rumbling and grumbling
of thy digestive system, shall I sunder forth
to the Holy Refrigerator in search of your fulfilment.
3. And after much fumbling and bumbling
through the empty shelves, shall I surrender
thy wishful thinking and retreat to the holy ATM
to replenish thy monetary stocks.

4. And then I do doth speed, doing 100 in a 60 km/h zone
to the local supermarket during peak hour,
for thy weekly chores must be done. 5. Cashed up and ready
to do battle with holy trolley and bloated wallet,
my grocery vessel doth speed me through Lanes 1 to 6
with much haste. For thine aisles are thus blocked
with the slow and indecisive. 6. And thoughts
of previous trolley rage incidents, for which I was imprisoned,
doth subside on thy blessed turning into Lane 7.

7. For there before me are the myriads of your many forms.
8. Oh Great One, for thy many forms do thus inspire
a holy hypnosis. 9. And there do I stand mid-aisle to ponder
thy many forms. 10. And Lane 7 doth turn into a massive log jam
on the initiation your holy ponderance...

11. Be thee Anelli for thy small rings encase thine holiness?
12 Be thee Bucatini: for thy long tubes doth extend forth to inspire me?
13. Be thee Cannelloni: for thy Large, thick round tubes
are a metaphor to be filled with your holy goodness?
14. Be thee Cochiglie: for thine ridged tiny shells are like sea shells
washing upon the shores of my soul?
15. Be the Cresti di gallo: 'I sure hope so, because my stomach is staring to grumble?'
16. Be the Eliche: For thy loose spirals are like tendrils, descending from the Beer Volcano in the sky?
17. Be thee Farfalle: For thy bow ties inspire thoughts of Pirates on the high seas?
18. Be thee Gemelli: For thine twin pieces wrapped together remind me fo the Holy Bond with my great Noodly Master.
19. Be thee Lumache: 'I sure hope so, because that cranky old man is set to ‘trolley-ram-eth’ me? Incoming!!'
20. Be thee Lumaconi: For thy Big shells used for fillings inspire me with thoughts of your holy sauces.
21. Be thee Orecchiette: For thy Ear-shaped goodness inspires sounds of contented diners, loud burps and contented tummies following ingestion of thy holy meal.
22. Be thee Penne: 'I surely hope so, for the supermarket security guard is eying me warily.'
23. Be thee Rigatoni: For thy thick ridged tubes do thus inspire thoughts of your noodly appendage sent forth to touch and inspire me.
24. Be thee Vermicelli: 'I sure hope so, for several burly security guards do thus forcibly remove me from Lane 7. '

25. And during my forced removal, I do thus do thus scream
your holy name and several other unmentionable utterances.
26. For thine inspiration has brought me much unwanted attention
from the local authorities. 27. And I shall no longer dwell in the house
of Walmart. 28. For my photo is thus plastered at every checkout
throughout land. 29. And following my banning from thy local shopping mall,
do I thus seek your inspiration in a new form –
Internet Grocery Shopping. 30. For your internet goodness
is brought forth following quotation of my credit card number.
31. And your holiness is thus delivered to my doorstep.
32. And I shall no longer be smited by the dreaded trolley.
32. And I shall ponder thee from the world wide web
until my dying day.

Forever and Ever.
Ramen The Most Inspired DaveL



Pastalm X

I was *so* happy
to see President Bush's comments
about teaching Intelligent Design in schools –
though it did make the Canadian government's
"old school" stance that "verifiable" science
be the only curriculum taught
in our educational centres more
painfully obvious.

If only the rest of the modernized world
would have a similarly open-minded leader,
I'm sure that Flying Spaghetti Monsterism
would gain followers in leaps and bounds!

However, I'm sure
it will only be a matter of time
before something equally ridic... er... redeeming
happens up here. When this happens
I hope to make great headway with my First Mission
of FSM! The Noodle, The Sauce, and the Holy Meatballs...
and Some Googly Eyes.

RAmen.

Pastalm XI

I know that you are probably getting tired
of me, but I remembered that last night
Bill O'Reilly said in his commentary
that banning ideas like Intelligent Design
is nothing short of Fascism.

I have written to thank him
for his support of alternative theories, s
such as FSM, in science class
and encouraged him to mention FSM
more directly in the future.

I think that it would be useful
if others also send an email
to him expressing gratitude for the support
of such a high profile individual
for our humble cause. Think of the reaction
if he became angry at a thousand FSM emails.

LOL. Still LOL.

Having too much fun with the image
of him denying endorsement of FSM
with little flecks of foam
at the corners of his mouth....

Pastalm XII

After following the antics of the Kansas school board
for some time, I was finally fortunate enough to find your site
through the third page of links on Google News.
What can I say; I just love reading about the comedic pratfalls
of George Bush. I felt a brush of sauce-based enlightenment
when I read about the great wonderfulness of the Flying Spagetti Monster.

I believe I have found my calling and I would like to become a Priest
ordained in the faith of the FSM. Specifically,
I'd like to get some kind of certificate to put on my wall
so I can call pasta dinners Communion and have an excuse
to dress up like a pirate and request Fridays off. I don't think
I'll get Fridays off, but I think eye patches are cool.

I'd also like to officiate over gay unions. Lots and lots of gay unions.

I feel that the FSM would appreciate this, since It has a lot of noodly appendages
and would want us mere humans created in It's image with noodly appendages
to get together and attempt to procreate. I'm also cool with lesbian weddings
because the FSM also respects those created with more meatball-like attachments.
And if the meatballs and noodles want to get together, it's all good
because the FSM is cool about that. Unlike some imaginary deities
who are such prudes they don't even have sex with women to get kids,
the FSM has the meatballs and noodles all coming together
out in the open in a free expression of high-carb goodness.

By the way, does the carb-content of the FSM
mean that Atkins is the anti-FSM and deserving of scorn?

Anyway. Please let me know how I can become a priest in the FSM faith.
I'd be happy to spread the word and post the 10 Ingredients in courthouses
and other public buildings and claim they are historic. I have jury duty
in a few weeks so there's an opportunity right there.

Dexter

Pastalm XIII

1. He is like a sweater 2. that enfolds me in Ragu
with meatballs. 3. His delicious smell wafts unto me
as a song that would fill my ears, or as the touch
of his Noodly Appendage opens my eyes
and brings to me a taste of divine understanding...
4. as if his Meatballs have spoken to my skin

5. For it was unto Kansas that His Chosen Prophet
Bobby did reveal 6. how his creative divinity
can never truly be fathomed. 7. Aye and Avast Ye,
the Pirates will save the planet 8.and those who cling
to the poopdecks 9. of denial that Global Warming
is caused by the Pirate's disappearance
10. are disassemblers... that means to lie.

11. The colossal bowl of His deliciousness
12. Will make all who are touched cower
with enlightenment. 13. His Prophet Bobby
shall ascend to the Beer Volcano heights,
14. while poor Solipsy awaits worthiness
for admittance to the Stripper Factory.

15. All of humankind shall one day
believe 16. that the sumptuous generosity
of his dripping sauce 17. shall cover them
with blessed and unending carbohydrate fortitude.
18. Plus ca change, Plus ca la meme chose no longer.
19. "Fill Me" cry out the bowls, the pots, the platters.
the bellies. "Oh, fill me!!" 20. Unto you, too,
be touched, be filled, be blessed, believe!

Pastalm XIV

1Alas, my blind eyes have been opened!
2My life has complete meaning
and direction now. For decades
3I thought I was the odd one


4and have grappled to understand
my fixation 5with pasta and pirate attire.
6Little did my feeble mind realize
that it was all part of a grand plan

7and I was merely and instrument of HIM.
8Praise the Flying Spaghetti Monster!
9Hallowed be his His Noodly Appendages!
Robert W

Pastalm XV

1I have been on a search
2all of my life for the truth
about my existence.
3I believe HE has visited me
many times in my dreams.

4I long for the day when HE
will send down cheese
5from the heavens
6much like others have claimed
to have found manna.

7Thank you for your work
and continued vigilance!
8May we all continue
in the sauce of life!

A Convert

Pastalm XVI

1I was deeply touched by your letter
to the Kansas School Board.
2Clearly His Noodly Appendage
is upon you, 3magnifying your spirit
of greatness,4and gilding your tongue
with precious metals.

5I can tell by your faith
that you must be a great patriot as well.
6That your religious fervor
is wrapped in the gooey goodness
of the flag. 7After all, does not
its red and white stripes truly stand
for the white pasta of purity
and the red sauce of robust life force?

8And the white stars
on the blue background,
9are they not representative of his children,
10the beloved chicken-n-stars, 11the great soup
of our nation, 12with their little starchy souls
glittering in the heavens,
13at the great spaghetti dinner
found in the end times.

14Surely only the chosen
will be whisked up to heaven
15to soak in a bowl of fresh squeezed chicken juice,
16while the rest are left to languish
in their low carb life, 17forced to subsist
on fad diets of vanity and evil desire.

18Let he with the unstained shirt, cast the first bowl!
19Because only the Flying Spaghetti Monster
can sift the angel hair from the fettuccini.
20No Flying Spaghetti Monster, No Peace.
21Know Flying Spaghetti Monster, and Know Peace.
Steph
This space for rent,
Solipsy

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