Everythin' I need to know, I learnt from me Cap'n.

[Elastoman]

(A bit long winded - and this only be part one...my apologies fer those who're 'ard o concentration.)

So there I be, nestled happily en Nell's ample bosom. We'd hid a bit o' rum, the two of us, an' as
ye all know, that sort o' business often leads to amorous affairs.

Shut yer noodle-holes, ye festerin' carbuncles! Aye, me speech may be a bit more refined
than some. But that be a part of the story as well. Drink up, hearties, and keep yer ears
t' the call.

Where was I? Riight. Nell. Y'see, Nell were a fine woman. Not that them what's assembled here
do any disservice to their side o' things, but this one had 'erself a position within the Guvner's house,
an' all the grace and bearin' that go with it. And well, when ye find a hull that looks as good as hers,
e'en without all the riggin', well, ye set yerself to take a turn at 'er wheel. But this 'un wouldn't be wooed
en the same manner that ye'd pursue yer normal freebootin' wench. She'd seen what happens at
court - 'ow proper society went about th' art of love. I needed a plan.

First of all, some changes were needed. I'd been a long hand on another man's ship, and put away
a bit o' glitter wi' the Captain fer safe keepin'. As bucaneers go, the Cap'n were a fine example.
Them only got the lashes that needed 'em, and when he give his word, ye could be sure that he'd
keep it t' the grave. So I made for the ship, and found 'im as I expected: shoutin' loud across th'
deck, makin' sure that those who'd not earned their time ashore weren't idlin' about. "Cap'n," sez
I, "kin I speak with ye?"
"Aye, lad," sez the Cap'n, "but to me quarters. Ye've a look in yer eye sez this needs quiet."

The Captain's cabin were a fine one. He was ne'er the kind to celebrate hisself, and his Mess
was set for business. We sat for a glass o' wine what we'd picked up on our way into port
(All hands lost on that poor freighter - may He lead 'em safely Above.), and 'e set about questionin' me.
"What's got in yer head, lad?"
"I'll tell ye, Cap'n, but this'n stays close, if ye don' mind."
"Aye, o' course."
I looked 'im square and gather'd me courage. "Cap'n," I sez, "arr ye familiar with the
rumors from the Guvner's guard?"
'E laughed at me: "Harr! I'd say I do what I may to avoid 'em, much less know what they
be gossipin' about."
"Aye, an' here's to that." I drained me mug, and continued as he refilled it, "But I've 'eard,
from one what I trust, that the Guvner's keepin' 'im a mistress."
"Not past reason, that. I'd be blasted if he didn't."
"Aye, sir, but I know who she is."
He give me a long hard look then. "If ye be thinkin' to blackmail 'im, I'd 'ave ye think again.
Rousin' the ire of the royals ain't smart, 'specially if yer still on their island when ye do it."
I grinned. "Cap'n - ye once gave me a bit o' advice. 'Plunder the port furth'st from yer home,'
ye said, 'so's it takes 'em longer to find out where ye live.' Well, the bit o' plunder I'm chasin' ain't gold,
Cap."
"So what'r ye wantin' then?"
"The mistress."

When he'd quit laughin', and it took a while, we came to terms. The service fer which I'd signed was
done, me wages paid, that what I'd had him hold returned to me. From 'is locker 'e sold me a finer
bit o' cloth for me back, and gave me instructions on how to find a barber more interested in me custom
than me coin. Fer the better part o' a week I moved through th' port, only goin' back to the pier once
to watch my Cap'n sail on, and wave me hat in goodbye. I'd put together a fair costume - I clearly weren't
no royal, but I looked an honest seaman at least. I turn'd me back on the sea, thinkin' 'bout 'is last
advice afore I left his quarters - "When ye bed 'er, lad, and I'm sure ye will, leave th' window open.
It'll keep ye cool, and ye kin always jump outa the thing when th' guards come for ya." If I were to do this
right, they'd ne'er come fer me at'tal. But me manners were needin' help if I were to do it. Findin'
one who'd teach me them "proper" ways o' bein' would prove t' be almost as hard as findin' me plunder.

[black bart]

Aaaarrrgh...it brings a tear ta me good eye to read such a Long Winded Tale...well done matey!

I be strugglin wiv a bit o writer's cramp at the moment (blast that Knuckles O'Shuffle) but I'll be sharpenin me quill soon enough I hopes.

[Elastoman]

Way I saw it, the first thing I needed were to find a thief. Those not familiar wit' pirates often see us as one an' th' same, but I tell ya it ain't so. When a pirate be wantin' somethin' from yer hold, he'll often be kind enough to warn ye ahead of time. Show a bit o' steel, let ye hear 'is cannons speak. Kill yer first mate. While none o' this be considered proper, I think we can all agree that it at least be the sportin' way to go. Thieves ain't exactly the sportin' type. They're sneaks, and liars. They use them little metal things to open yer locks instead of just knockin' the door offa the hinges. Most times ye don't e'en know ye been robbed until ye go lookin' for somethin'. But, though it be again' me trainin' and me sense of honor, it 'ad to be done.

Now, yer average thief is as 'ard to find as, well, as a drunken pirate ain't. Once inna while ye'll catch some urchin with 'is hand in yer pouch, or some bastard tryin' ta sneak off with yer last bottle o' rum, but them ain't thieves, them's just bastards. Rumor 'ad it that there was one thief on th' island; a damned good one. The guards 'ad been lookin' t' catch 'im fer years, and never been able to sight 'im. Lucky fer me, wenches tend to speak more freely with a pirate than a guard, and they'll tell ye more'n ye ever wanted to know if ye promise to settle their score with the tapman. Takin' care to hide everythin' I weren't willin' to lose, I set me course fer the theatre. I'd no desire to see a show, least, not one without a good many lasses in a scant few clothes, but there were a tavern near with a certain reputation that had me interest. Word had it that Th' Rose were as crooked a house as e'er been built, and more 'ad been fenced through 'er cellars than taxed by the dockmaster.

Th' Rose weren't exactly a pirate friendly tavern. Them's usually closer to th' docks, and have a more complex smell to 'em. This'n were mostly clean, and fair shake quieter than me usual haunts, and fer some reason it put a bit of shake in me knees. I found me a table t' the side, moved th' candle away so's I could see th' door clear, and called fer a bottle. I weren't sure at first why there were a glass that come with the bottle - usually I'd be more'n happy to go at 'er straight, but this were Th' Rose, and for tonight, I weren't a pirate. I poured meself a drink, and settled in to feel out the winds. Th' others aroun' me were mostly shopmen, a few o' their rowdies were in th' back playin' at dice. But none seem'd like the kin' o' person who'd know how I could find me thief. E'en the damn wenches were fully dressed and sober. Tha's when Mary made 'er entrance. She were young, well fed, and 'er dress were clean. She weren't no bar wench, that's fer sure, and th' look inner eye told me she was th' one I wanted. It were almost the same as me Cap'n got lookin' at an East India supply boat, but weren't so obvious. Mary were a thief! She caught me lookin' her way, an' she headed fer me table.
"May I ask you a favor, sir?"
"Anything ye like, lass."
"I am supposed to meet someone here, and I'm not comfortable sitting alone. Would you provide me some company in the meantime?"
"Aye, that I kin do. Siddown if ye like."
"Thank you, I will. My name is Mary. And how shall I call you, Captain?"
"Cap'n? Not this one, girl. Jus' a han' before th' mast, I am."
"That still doesn't tell me your name."
"True enough. Make it David then." She reached out to shake me hand, and not bein' sure of what to do, I gave 'er mine. She turned it over in 'ers, and show'd me that thief's eye again lookin' o'er it. It were as if she could see everythin' I had in mind, just lookin' at me hand. I pulled it back, and when me eyes reached 'ers, 'er smile 'ad changed. There were somethin' mean in it now. Somethin' familiar. An' I foun' meself wantin' more than just what were in 'er head. She stole me glass as she returned 'er hand to 'er own side o' the table, and fill'd it to th' brim.
"So, Sailor David. Why are you here?"
"Needed a bit o' drink, an' I were tryin' t' get as far away from me ship as I could afford."
"I thought pirates lived for their ships..."
"No....nobody said I were a pirate, and mos' would take offense t' that, Mary."
"Don't worry, David. Secrets are something I'm very, very good at. You might even say that they are my profession. Finding out yours has made me a richer person, and letting it go would make me a poorer one. I prefer being wealthy, David. As wealthy as possible." 'Er eyes flashed again o'er the top o' th' glass. Not takin' 'er o'er me shoulder and back t' me bunk was gettin' closer t' impossible with every word she spoke. "Will you tell me why you're here, or do I have to guess?"
"I came t' find a thief." I grabbed th' bottle and had a long drink off it. Their glass could go right t' hell.
"And did this thief steal something from you, David?"
"No. But there's somethin' I want from 'im." She gave me th' eyes again, and I tried to wash 'em away with another belt of rum. "I need t' know about hidin'. Hidin' who and what I am. Hidin' what I want til I get it. And how t' get away without firin' a shot. Pirates ain't good at this stuff, but thiefs are."
"Well, I won't ask why you want to learn from this thief. Yet. But I think we might be able to help each other."
"How's that?"
"I know a thief. A good one. And I can help you meet him."
"And what end o' the deal comes t' me?"
"Look to your starboard quarter, sailor. Do you see the rotund man with the handkerchief? He is involved with both the Governor and the East India Company. He is powerful, and wants to use that power in a way that I don't like, but cannot stop while he lives. So I need him killed. You're a pirate, David. Pirates kill people."
"Well, mostly we plunder. And sail. And drink."
"Kill him for me, and you get to meet your thief. It is as simple an offer as I can make. Thank you for the drink, David. And the secret." She stood up, and gave me 'er hand again. "When you're done, I'll come find you."
"And where d'ye think I'll be, if I do what ye want?"
"Within reach, I'm sure."

My Cap'n told me once that when you have a choice between firin' yer pistol and turnin' away, ye'd best fire. Soon as ye turn yer back, there's sure t' be a knife in it. And Mary, with them mean, hungry eyes, would put one in mine. Sure as salt.

[Elastoman]

Any pirate'll tell ye that separatin' a man's soul from 'is mortal bein' is easier than you might think. Reminds me o' a song I heard once...

"Once ye've closed and ye be boardin'/
first thing ye'll ferget is yer heart/
and if ye find yer knees ain't yet shakin'/
then ye kin paint the deck with the best of 'em, mate!"

I don't remember where I heard it, but I been keepin' it in mind for a while. An' sure, I done my bit. It's wot we do, like Mary said. But most times, we don't just kill fer funsies. If a lubber's got plunder, and won' give it up, well, stick the bastard in th' guts with a cutlass. Easy. But this were different. Wot Mary were askin' weren't business, it were murder. Once she'd left, and I'd got the wench to bring me another bottle, I tried to think it over some. Th' easiest way, I thought, were to draw me pistol, put a ball in 'is 'ead, and leave 'fore anyone figgered out wot I'd done. An' t' be honest, I liked the image. But I were a long way from th' docks, and all me gutters, alleys, rat-holes, opium dens, whore houses, and other proven hidin' spots. And pistols only had one shot in 'em - if I were to miss, well, then it's swords and fists all roun', and them boys wit th' dice had size on me. "Blast me, what be th' "proper" way to snuff 'im," I thought to meself, "them uses money and poison and them little pointy knives, and pieces o' paper wot gots names and laws on em...."

"NAY! If any o' you dogs so much as breathes, I'll cut ye' up so's ye can be buried thru a scupper! Keep 'er still, now." See, my Cap'n were an honest dog, but only with 'is own. Them merchants - they weren' 'is own. 'E had us all below, unmovin' fer fear o' makin' a sound that could be 'eard above. See, merchant ships, an' their cap'n's, are a suspicious lot. They see a hulk like our'n listin' hard, 'er sails dropped but not stowed, and not a man in sight, them can't help but get curious. An' if they gets too curious, and comes aboard without announcin' themselves, well, they be pirates. An' we kin kill pirates if we want. Well, like I said. All hands lost on that freighter. Good wine.

Pirates don' go in fer duels. They just ain't smart. Stand still, and let some bastard point a musket ball at me head because I took 'is sister without askin' 'im first? Stupid. 'Sides, she asked me. But if I could get this'n t' slap me wif a glove (or whatever th' local custom said 'bout it), then I could put 'im inna box and them royals would think I were a fine one fer havin' honor. I called th' wench over again. "Who's that one, then?"
"Which one, sir?"
"Off me starb...er...behin' me and to me right."
"Smythe, sir."
"Smythe, right. 'E's with the Company, is he?"
"Handles purchasing. Mostly ship's supplies."
"Lines, sheets, tar - like that?"
"I'm sorry?"
"Ropes? Sails?"
"Oh, yes, sir."
"Thankee lass. Would ye be kind enough to send 'im a bottle o' this from me?"
"Well, he doesn't..."
"Don' matter lass. Soon enough, he won't anythin'." She turn'd white as a virgin's thighs, and saw 'bout the bottle. "Well," I thought, "se'en as I'm not proper yet, may as well be meself fer a bit." Smythe look'd at th' bottle, and look'd at the wench, and look'd at me. Hadn't thought rum would make 'im mad enough. Mebbe I wouldn't need words after all. He picked it up, and come over to me table.
"Is this a joke, sir? I assure you, I do not find it funny."
"Not a joke, lad. A gift. I thought I should thank ye fer helpin' me wif me family."
"Do I know you, sir?"
"Nay, we've not had th' pleasure yet. Me name, well, call me Connolly. And yer Smythe. Tell me, mister Smythe, did ye recently change weavers fer yer sheets?"
"Sheets?"
"Sails, sir. Sails." It were a gamble, but I could run it far enough, I thought.
"Well, yes. About eight months ago. Our demand increased, and the quality of the product faltered with the increase. I was forced to find a new source."
"Aye, that ye were. And tell me, do ye know what happened when ye did?"
"I'm afraid I do not."
"Well ye see, the weaver ye used were forced to close up shop. Debt ruin'd 'im. And fearin' fer his family name, he hung hisself from a third story window sill. Kin ye imagine what 'is family did, when they see 'im hangin' out there in public th' next mornin'?"
"I...I mean..."
"They left 'im. They left town. They left everythin'. An' they left me behind to make sure all 'is business were closed." I stood up, and looked down at 'is fat little face. This were fun. "So in th' name o' me father, mister Smythe. I challenge you. Now. Not mornin', not an hour from now. Now."
"But...but I swear I didn't..."
"ALL OF YE! LISTEN GOOD." I almost jumped up on th' table, but thought that were a bit much. "This man here, by his action, has killed me father. I've challenged 'im t' defend what honor 'e holds wif whate'er weapon 'e likes. But it must be done now. Yer all witnessin', and don' try to deny it. Me father be watchin'!" I pointed at the roof, and e'en the bruisers in th' back 'ad quieted down.
Smythe's little friend came to 'is side: "Mister Smythe, I would suggest that propriety dictates you accept, even if this man is a mongrel. Besides, look at him. He is stinking drunk, ill fed, and clumsy. Go outside with him, run a rapier through his breast, and we shall continue our discussion in peace."
"Aye, Smythe, listen t' yer little toadie. I'll be in th' street." Thanks be I'd remember'd to strap on a cutlass.
"Yes. Yes, I understand. Very well then, let us complete this scene." 'E took one o dem skinny little slips o' metal that them fights with from 'is friend and met me outside.

"Drink up, lad," the Cap'n told me, "so's yer used to it. And beside, when th' lash hits ye, ye'll not feel it so bad." He were right. Drink were familiar, and the fat little lubber's toothpick didn't do near as much t' me as the Cap'n had with 'is lash. Two quick passes, and Th' Rose had a new coat of paint fer 'er sign.
"Be satisfied, father. And for the rest of ye," I look'd back at Th' Rose where th' crowd were watchin', "I've no quarrel with ye. Me business be finished, and me family 'as quite a start on me. I'll be goin', and when questions be asked, ye know the tale." Puttin' me sword away, I turned back fer me bunkhouse, stoppin' by th' door to pick up th' bottle mister Smythe had put down on his way out. I'd be needin' that come mornin'.

[Auntie Blackbeard]

OOOOOOOoooooooOOOOoo !

How Auntie luvs long winded tales ... do go on dearie !

[pieces o'nine]

Oi be on thee edj of me seat! This be a foine an grippin' tale!

Saucy Gert, ma'am, oi'd loike ter send a bottil ov yer best rum to ol Elastoman's tabil.
An put hit on me mate Turtleholme's tab, fankee!

[Elastoman]

Oi be on thee edj of me seat! This be a foine an grippin' tale!

Saucy Gert, ma'am, oi'd loike ter send a bottil ov yer best rum to ol Elastoman's tabil.
An put hit on me mate Turtleholme's tab, fankee!

Thanks to ye, Pieces. She be a lovely bottle indeed - just look how serprised me little lady be!


Quick recipe fer Elastoman's Faverit Grog:

1) pint glass full of ice.
2) fill 2/3 full wif rum.
3) top off wif ginger ale.
4) add lime (keeps th' scurvy off)
5) wake up unner a table.

Makes me thirsty, it does...


Back to me tale after me thirst is sated.

~E.

[Elastoman]

I were right about th' rum. When dawn came I were hurtin' worse thin I'd thought. Th' fat man's shiv had done me in th' shoulder, and once in th' leg, and give me somethin' that would be a new scar above me right eye. "Nearly had me wif that 'un" I thought as I wiped th' dry blood from me forehead. Well, me hurts weren' that bad in comparison to Smythe's. Poor soul were cut near in half. Me clothes, the costume I'd put together so carefully, were freshly dyed a new color and lost to me purpose. I bundled 'em up, and toss'd 'em inna sack so's I could burn 'em. Mister Connolly were disappearin' today, an' I had no desire to have 'im traced to me. A few slugs from th' bottle I'd rescued got me on me feet, an' I went back to them garments what open winds, seawater, and time had fitted comfortably to me frame. There were an opium den near that had what I needed most - not the drug, the owner. Lam, we called 'im. Ol' Lam were an ace wit a needle, and me sails needed some mendin'. On me way out, I tossed me sack on th' fire, and let poor Connolly go to meet 'is father.

Lam's place were known to us pirates, but not many others. Aye, it were a fine spot fer chasin' th' dragon, but moreover it were a quiet house fer quiet things. Not like Th' Rose - no buyin' or sellin' here, save fer souls. Hands 'ad been shanghai'd here, contracts terminated suddenly, lusts fulfilled, debts settled. Th' last were my wont - Lam owed me a favor. One night a crew o' Portugese 'ad gotten well in thir cups, an' I helped to escort 'em out. Well, I escorted th' one that weren' already speakin' wit Santo Pedro. Fer th' others, I helped Lam an' 'is daughter get rid of 'em. Least I could do - Lam were a true one to us scallywags. Th' big manchu by the door knew me by sight, and let me pass wifout complaint. Slow mornin' - a few o' dem what have given up on life layin' about, but not many o' my kind. Knockin' on 'is door, I called to 'im - "Lam," I said, "it's Em. I need ye thread, mate."
"How I know it Em?" His voice was thin from behin' his door - prolly a full musket's length from it.
"Cuz I know yer daughter's got a tattoo."
"She have many. Which one you know?"
"Th' tiger on 'er belly."
"She have no tiger. You no Em."
"Hah! I promise she has it, Lam. I saw it whin I woke up." Th' door opened like a shot, and there were Lam. Half a man by our standards, and thin as a beggar. Th' musket in me face appear'd like magic, twice the size o' th' man behin' 'er, and 'e looked 'ard at me over it.
"When you wake up with Ling, eh? I no lemember her mally pilate scum."
"No marriage, Lam, jus' a fine night o' Go, massage, and sleep wit a woman I's sure wouldn' put a knife in me belly while I slept."
"You sreep with Ling? Eh? Pilate take Ling flom me? You dead, Em!"
"'Er virtue is sure, Lam. I'd not offend me dearest friend, th' great surgeon and healer, master of the nine celestial forms, and owner of th' finest smokin' house I've known fer the sake of lust. There be plenty of houses fer that, and yours ain't one of 'em. Though some day, should I be graced with luck and fortune," I knelt before 'im, layin' it on thick, an' 'e kept 'is musket pressed to me skull, "I should be so lucky as to have a wife of such purity an' honor as your daughter Ling. An' to combine it wit the gift of callin' ye me father, I should have great luck indeed." It were all I could do to keep from laughin'. Lucky fer me, me leg were bleedin' again, an' me shoulder felt like it'd been ripped from me - cryin' were closer thin a belly laugh.
"You furr of shit, Em. I heal you two. You make rove rike monkey, and yerr rike one, too."
"Well, I'm only a poor American, without th' benefit of yer eastern philosophy." He were grinnin' at me, and I were grinnin' back.
"She miss you, pilate ass."
"An' I her. But fer now, I'm leakin'. Reunions kin happen later."
"Okay. You take off crothes, ray on table." He closed th' door behin' me, and I were back in the Orient. Lam were a genius, sure. 'Is home were mined out from underneath the town, bigger'n the Governer's mansion, complete wif waterfalls, gold buddahs, an little mutant trees. I dropped me clothes on th' floor, and laid on 'is dinner table. "I no have opium. This hult, Em."
Takin' another slug from me bottle I said, "'S alright, Lam. I'd rather hurt some thin bleed t' death. Just be quick, and ferget th' scars - I'll take 'em as marks ov honor."
"If you say sooo.."

Thirty minutes an' a lifetime of pain later, 'e were done puttin' me right. "You okay, Em. No move too fast, no fight, thlead hold." He were grinnin' like a proud mother. Whatever that little chinaman's sins may be, he done right by me, and were happier healin' a man thin corruptin' him.
"Wif any luck, Lam, I won' be fightin' anyone fer quite a while. Ye have me thanks, and we're square on yer debt."
"We square for long time, round eye. But you friend to house of Lam, and I happy to help."
"EM!" Ling had, apparently, 'eard me screamin'.
"Ling! Glad to see ye, las....oomph!" What I'd thot were a friendly hug were a fine snap-kick to th' jaw, and I were on th' table again.
"You are a son of a bitch, Em. I should kill you."
"Aye, well, for that, uh..."
"Who's the white bitch that's been asking about you, Em? A girlfriend? A wife?"
"Eh? White bitch? Nay, lass, I've no ring on me finger. What arr ye talkin' about?" I sat up, fearful ov another kick, but too curious to keep on me back.
"Says her name's Mary, and that she has business with you."
"Ma...Mary? Already? Damn me, that woman's fast. Aye, we have business, Ling. I've done 'er a favor, an' she's payin' 'er debt."
"So...she's not...special?"
"Nae, not like you."
"Good." Ling look'd me over like a fatted calf, ready fer slaughter. "You look like shit, pirate."
"And yer still a goddess, Ling."
"Get some sleep. I'll tell your business partner to come back tomorrow. You remember the way, don't you?"
"Aye, Ling, I do. Thankee." I slid meself off the table, pull'd on me shirt, and headed fer Ling's pavilion. I were tired to th' core, and lookin' forward to a good sleep.
"Em! Pilate ass!" Lam were roused. "You no thank me? Pilate all the same! Asshore! Unglateful! Ling! You no risten to your father! Em bad news, I say! He have prans! He no good husband for you! What you doing? You never risten!" Ling went back in t' th' den t' 'ave a talk wif Mary, and I grinned to meself fer Lam's sake. Aye, someday I would take Ling as me own, and I'd be lucky to call Lam me father. That weren't no lie. But fer now 'e were right. I 'ad prans.

[Detective TurtleHolmes]

4) add lime (keeps th' scurvy off)

Whut? Whut? Ye wanna git rid o' ye scurvy? Have at ye!

But go on wit yer tale. Ye're e'en challengin' the long-windedness o' old Planky 'imself!

[Elastoman]

4) add lime (keeps th' scurvy off)

Whut? Whut? Ye wanna git rid o' ye scurvy? Have at ye!

But go on wit yer tale. Ye're e'en challengin' the long-windedness o' old Planky 'imself!

Wif full respec to Bleedin' Gums Murphy, I'd prefer t' avoid that perticularr afflickshun. An at th' risk of bein' called a limey, I do njoye a bit o' lime in me rum.

~E.

[black bart]

Ye're e'en challengin' the long-windedness o' old Planky 'imself!

Aaaaarrrgh...I be beginnin ta think HE is Planky...but no, he be makin too much sense an he aint mentioned no blue dolphins...yet.

[Elastoman]

Planky? Ye callin' me planky, lad? Sure, I get a bit in me cups an' spin a tale, but ... wait... no, I thought ye said summin else.

In any case, another grog for the lot of us. We've a ways to go yet.

[Elastoman]

Ling's pavilion were th' one place I'd wont fer me home, if th' sea not be an option. It were high in Lam's grotto, with a fine view o' the lake, an' 'er baths were fed from a hot spring somewheres below th' smithy's forge. After leavin' Lam cursin' at me, I'd come here to relax. A bit later, I'd fount meself as near t' heaven as were possible without a grog volano handy. I were reclined in th' water, fergettin' me cares, and listenin' to Ling's breath as it washed o'er me left ear.
"Em?"
"Aye, me love?"
"Tell me, what did your Captain have to say about baths?"
"That us lot wouldn' be helped by 'em. And if we e'er had th' chance to share one wif th' best woman e'er made, we should do it. An' ye kin be sure I listen'd."
"Yes, Em, you did." I could feel 'er smile, an' she wrapped 'er arms aroun' me shoulders. "And what did he say about Chinese women, Em?"
"That there be none lovelier, and to always treat 'em true."
"Good advice..." Ling tightened 'er hold on me. At first it were a loving embrace, summin I'd dream about, but quicker then I knew it were a choke hold. "And now, dear Em, you will tell me exactly what your business with Mary is. Quickly, or you may suffocate before you finish. And don't lie. You're a terrible liar, my love, and I'll kill you if you try."
"I were lookin fer a thief at Th' Rose, and found Mary instead!"
"And then?"
"She said she knew a thief that'd help me, and if I killed that Smythe fella, she'd 'elp me find 'im."
"And so you killed him?"
"Aye."
"And why would a valorous pirate like yourself," Ling shifted 'er hold on me - I could breathe again, but barely, "need a thief?"
"Cuz I mean to steal summin wot can't be plundered. Cannon and cutlass aren't enough. I needs a thief's help."
"What?"
"I needs a thief's help. There, I says it again. I needs help."
"No, Em, what do you want to steal?"
"Well, uh, it's summin wot belongs t' th' Governor."
"What is it, Em?" 'Er arms foun' thir way back to me neck. "Some trinket?"
"'Is mistress! Please don' kill me, Ling, but I wan' t' steal 'is mistress."
Her grip loosened, and she went back to massagin' me shoulders. "Why the hell would you want her? She's really not that pretty."
"Aye, but 'er hull be amazin', Ling! E'en wifout th' riggin'!"
"Are we talking about the same woman?"
"Probably not. Watch me shoulder, lass - there still be a hole innit."

Mary'd left a note wif Ling instead of waitin' around fer me to speak wif 'er. I pulled me robe close, and opened it wif one o' Ling's hairpins. "David - the man you are looking for will meet you tonight at the theater. Be at the stage entrance at ten o'clock sharp. Leave your weapons behind, and bring whatever money you have. Leave your yellow friends in their hole - he'll be watching. Yours, Mary." 'Er seal were one I'd seen before, but placin' where I seen it were beyond me. Were almost like a royal's, but dinn't have any crest. Regardless, our deal were square. But showin' up wifout me cutlass an' carryin' all me loot at once spoke of foolishness. Especially where that Mary were concerned.
"Em?"
"Aye, Ling?"
"Come back to bed."
"Soon, dearest. Hey, there be summin I've always wonder'd about this place."
"What?"
"How's 'e do the sun?"
"How do you get light below decks, Em?"
"Well, there be crystals in th' upper decks, an' lanterns 'ere and there."
"It's a great big god damn crystal."
"Where's 'e keep it?"
"In his ass. Now come back to bed before I get angry."
"Aye, Ling. We wouldn't wan' that."

Me Cap'n were very clear on traps. "If yer layin' one," 'e said, "take yer time. Do 'er right, or them'll scent it afore yer ready. An' if yer walkin' inna one, pretend ye don' see it. It give ye an advantage." I'd spent most of th' day wif Ling, refittin' soul an' body, and I were ready to meet me maker if it were necessary. I dinn't expect to see Mary ther, and I were right. As th' churchbells rang ten, I were standin' alone outside th' theater wif me clothes, me trunk full o' chimin' gold, an' not e'en a gaff t' defend meself. I knew it were a reekin' spot to be in, but there were me advantage. As th' bells went quiet again, th' door opened, an' a man spoke t' me.
"You are see one sat Mary spoke with me about?" 'E were a frenchie. Not that I 'ave anythin' against 'em, but it weren' wot I expected.
"Aye."
"And you have see money for food and closing?"
"More'n enough."
"Very well. We shall begin sen. Bring your sings inside, quickly." It were almost a familiar sight. Lines held taught all roun' me, counterweights fer scenery. Th' knots were well tied, and th' pins were strong. Th' man, now that I could see 'im right, weren' whot I were expectin'. 'E were average height, 'is head shaved bald, wearin' wot I'd 'ave called prisoner's rags. "I am Jean-Baptiste-Louis-Armand-Villebeau-Neufrateau Garmand. You will call me Sir."
"Well thanks fer that, Sir. The rest be a mouthfull." 'E slapped me 'ard - weren't so much painful as it were a surprise.
"Keep jour pirate witticisms private, misseur. I 'ave no time for sem. You want to learn see art of acting, I will teach you. Now, ce qui es votre nom?"
"Me number?"
"Your name, pirate. What is your name?"
"Em."
"M? A letter? That cannot be a name! What did jour moser call you?"
"She didn't. Died givin' birth t' me."
"Well whoever raised you, what did they call you?"
"Emile. Were me mother's last werd, an' th' ladies gave it me as a name. I were tired of th' jokes, an' started tellin' it were Em."
"Ahh - I see. You have been honest with me, Emile, and I shall not ridicule jous for it. Are you able to read?"
"Aye, th' ladies insisted on et."
"Sen we shall begin with reading. Come. Bring your trunk."

[KC Observer]

Arrrrgh, matey! Kwitcher takin to yer cups amidships o'yer tale! It puts us hard aground on the lee shore whilst waaatin fer the wind to pick up agin!

[black bart]

Aaaarrgh...but where else do we get our hinspirashun matey?