MacBrenda

[black bart]

MacBrenda (otherwise known as the Big Girl play)
For inspiration look up The Scottish Play on Google.

Scene 1. A Portsmouth Place

Thunder and Lightening and smell of Fish Head Stew...Enter Three Pirates


First Pirate: When shall we three meet again, In the Benbow, in the Pickled Partridge or in Debtors Prisain?

Second Pirate: When the price of grog is lower, when the Navy's shyppe's be slower.

Third Pirate: That will be ere the Stew is cooked

First Pirate: Where the place?

Second Pirate: Upon the dock

Third Pirate: There to meet with MacBrenda

First Pirate: I come Mad Wllium

Second Pirate: Benbow Calls

Third Pirate: Anon

All: Fair is foul, and foul is fair: Hover through the fog and filthy air. (yep that's Portsmouth alright).

[Detective TurtleHolmes]

Yarr, a spliffin' oidea. Perk up the place a bit, eh wot?

NOTE: Duncan be Wally, Malcolm be One-Eyed Matt, Donalbain be Innabin, Lennox be Wee Pete.

SCENE II. A camp near Forbes

Enter Wally, One-Eyed Matt, Innabin, Wee Pete, with Cabin Boys, meeting a bleeding Constable

Wally: Who be that blaggard? He can report,
Az seemeth by his plite, of the revoltin'
The newest stoat.


One-Eyed Matt: This be the constable
Who like a raggedy landvermin fought
'Gainst me lockupidity. Hail, brave tit!
Say to the Captain the knowledge of the broil
As thou didst leef it.

Constable: Doughtful it stood;
As two spent sailors, that do cling togevver
And choke on their fart. The merciless --
Worthy ta be a pirate, for to that
The multiplyin' vishins in rum
Do swarm upon him--from Western Portsmouth
Of bilge and grog be supplied;
An' loot, on his damned prey smilin',
Show'd like Bartie's whore: but all's too large:
For brave MacBrenda--well she desarrrves that name--
Turnin' her knows up at loot, with her brandish'd cutlass,
Which smoked wit' bloody pillagin',
Like DaveL's minion carved out his passage
Till he faced the galleyslave;
Which ne'er shook hooks, nor sent 'im on her waye,
Till she unseam'd him from the nave to the chaps,
And fix'd his head upon the mizzenmast.

[black bart]

Aside:

This Play was written by none other than...

Mad Willium Bonney Shakespeare...although some have attributed it to Sir Francis Drake Bacon...

Captain Cronan appears by kind permission of Cunard Liners Ltd

MacBrenda's wardrobe also by Cunard Shipping.

Scene III

The Docks Portsmouth, evening just after pub opening.

More Thunder...

First Pirate: Will someone sticketh a cork up Arseburn O'Leary's Porthole!

[pieces o'nine]

First Pirate:
Wossup, homey?

Second Pirate:
Nuffink much. You?

Third Pirate:
Romeo, ware four art thou?

First Pirate:
A cabbin bouy 'ad bilge rats inna chest,
They scritch't, an scritch't, an scritch't:--
'Bugger orf,' oi sais:
'rRr!' thee lolly-slurpin blaggard mumbilt.
'Cronan's t'Portsmuff gone, master o' thee deepe:
But on me shippe oi'll trim thee sails,
An loike a rat wivvout a tail,
Oi'll comman an comman an comman.'

Second Pirate:
Oi'll give thee a wind, ye bagge o' weevils.

First Pirate:
Yer a git.

Third Pirate:
An oi anuvver.

First Pirate:
Oi meself 'ave awl thee ovver,
An thee ports they pilladje,
Awl thee pubbes that they know
I' thee seedy part ov town.
Oi'll put awl me drinks on 'is tabbe:
Keep 'im wenchin nyghte an day
Pick thee lock hupon 'is chest;
'E shall live a man blynde drunk:
Seein' dubbil, dubbil, toyle an trubbil,
'E will stagger two an fro:
'Is breff much werse than 'is byte,
An unsteddy hupon 'is pegleg.
Look wot oi 'as.

Second Pirate:
Show me! Show me!

First Pirate:
'Ere oi 'as ole Cronan's rum,
Wreck'd as homeward 'e did come.


-- Parrot wivvin --


Third Pirate:
A parrot! A parrot!
MacBrenda draweth nye.

Awl:
Best maytes awl, a toast,
Wun fer awl an awl fer wun,
An be shur t'put hit on Turdilhome's tabbe:
Thrice fer thyne an thrice fer myne
An thrice agin, to mayke hup nyne.
Pieces! thee charm's wound hup.

[black bart]

Third Pirate to 2nd Pirate who happens to be Scottish: Pray tell, is there anything worn under thine kilt?

2nd Pirate: Nay, tis all in perfect working order (Shakespeare never had jokes as good as this).

[DaveL]

Third Pirate: I hear that there are a few good bannana jokes doing the rounds of late.

Second Pirate: Well that's incredible, as it's the 16th century, I don't think bannanas have been discovered just yet.

[pieces o'nine]

First Pirate:
Scrofulous unbeleever! Bananas
bain't disk cuv-ver-ed; they be created,
loike. 'Tis a pyrates wurst nyghtmare, oi 'ears.

[DaveL]

Fourth Pirate: Yarrrr...Oi hear that they be intelligently designed them 'nannas

[pieces o'nine]

First Pirate:
Be this a cutlass witch oi sees 'fore me,
Thee handle tward me hook? Come, oi'll clutch thee;
Oi 'as thee knotte, an yette oi sees thee stille.

Art thou, moste fatal cutlass, nuffink but
A dagger ov thee mind, a false cr'ashun,
Sproutin frum thee banana-hinfeckted
brayne? Oi sees thee yet, in form moste goodly
To fit me mouf an hook.


Second Pirate:
If ye can look
hinto thee seedes ov tyme, an say forsooth
witch banana will grow, an witch will knotte,
Speake.


Third Pirate:
Out! Out! Damned fryed peenut butter an
banana sam witches wiv fish head stoo!


* enter MacBrenda *


First Pirate:
By thee pricking ov me hook,
Sumfink orful this waye looks.

[black bart]

MacBrenda: So foul and fair a sandwich I nivver saw...never moind gis it ere I be starvin.

Planko: What are these
So wither'd and so wild in their attire,
That look not like the inhabitants o' the earth,
And yet are on't? Live you? or are you aught
That man may question? You seem to understand me,
By each at once her chappy finger laying
Upon her skinny lips: you should be women,
And yet your beards forbid me to interpret
That you are so.

First Pirate: We be Pyrates ye daft git...compare me to a wench agin an I'll slit yer gizzard.

Second Pirate: All hail MacBrenda, hail to thee Giant wench o Portsmouth

Third Pirate: All hail MacBrenda, any chance of a snog me dear

(note to Dave L: there aint a Fourth Pirate!)

[pieces o'nine]

A Manatee:
See, see, our honour'd hostess!
The love that follows us sometime is our trouble,
Which still we thank as love. Herein I teach you
How you shall be rewarded for your pains,
And thank us for your service.

[DaveL]

(note to Dave L: there aint a Fourth Pirate!)

Note to Bart: YArrrr. Too late now ye blaggard! Oi suggests he be part of some excitin' plot twist.

[Detective TurtleHolmes]

Fourth Pirate: Oooh, I verily doth feel an existential crisis!

Third Pirate: Then piss orf ye stinkin' melonheid!

[pieces o'nine]

(note to Dave L: there aint a Fourth Pirate!)

Note to Bart: YArrrr. Too late now ye blaggard! Oi suggests he be part of some excitin' plot twist.

A Manatee:
Ex-kyoose *me* but oi finks as thee hex sightin plot twist wiv thee Forth pirate be hinted at alreddy, loike.

[black bart]

Fourth Pirate ( ) Now is der winta of me discontent made glorious summer by dis son o York...

Sorry, wrong play!