Scurvy Fleet Disciplinary Board Proceedings

Arrr, I be a pirate!

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Postby DaveL on Tue Aug 01, 2006 8:47 am

YArrrr...

Sorry Aunty Blackbeard, he used to be a good puss. All he ate wuz Bilge rats. But when he became the most famous Bilge Ratter in the land, Oi promoted 'im to a life of luxury above deck.

Werse mistake Oi ever mades yer honour!! He developed a taste fer exotic parrots, gourmet cat food and snorted kitty biscuits up 'is nose. He grew fat and lazy and whens Oi punished 'im, he grew EVIL. He mutineered me ship with a bunch of Bilge Rat henchmen.

Tiddles be a victim of his own sucess yer honour....
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ratatouille

Postby black bart on Tue Aug 01, 2006 9:48 am

AAARRGH...URRRRR...I just realised I baint got no cat on board my ship...I wonders where all the rats went! I must ave a word with the galley Cook about his ratatouille! :?
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Postby Griffin on Tue Aug 01, 2006 12:35 pm

Judge Lady Prunella Boadicea Springer-Spaniel Bonehart, JD, MBE, DVM, RPh, EdD stood up on her chair and yelled "Cut that man's tongue out and feed it to Tiddles".
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spirit

Postby black bart on Wed Aug 02, 2006 8:28 am

Ha HAARRRR...I loiks a woman with spirit! :fsm_yarr:
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Postby DaveL on Wed Aug 02, 2006 8:30 am

Yarrrr...

Unfortunately yer honour, as Oi am a pirate, Tiddles did learn a thing or two from me about raidin' merchant shippin'.

Since Tiddles was empowered as the King of the Bilge Rats, they do all his bidding yer honour. They even charter their own ships to raid expensive cargoes laden with top gourmet produce headed for the courts of Europe.

King Louis XIV is most upset the Tiddle's Bilge Rat Navy is disrupting his Roquefort Cheese supply. He has called for urgent action to end Tiddle's domination of the English Channel.

Evil Tiddles has been giving a 30% cut of the plunder to the Bilge Rats for continued loyalty, while the rest gets sold on the black market.

He's been makin a fortune yer honour. YArrrrr...
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Postby Griffin on Wed Aug 02, 2006 9:43 pm

Lord Judge Superior N. Owitall Bar strode into the Chamber and cuffed Lady Pru round the head. "You, woman, are not fit to be a Judge" he said in a deep booming voice. Judge Lady Prunella Boadicea Springer-Spaniel Bonehart, JD, MBE, DVM, RPh, EdD fell off her podium into a vat of fish-head stew that had been left beside the bench as evidence.

Lord Judge Superior N. Owitall Bar banged his gavil. The noise shocked the court into silence. It was a sound they all feared.

"This case is dismissed", he said "It is an Ex-Case. It is no more. Polly has fallen off her perch and joined the choir all too visible. No one in their right mind would believe this nonsensical nonsense about a cat. Not if their lives depended on it. Tiddles is a CAT. A C-A-T. Those persons, assuming they are persons, which I am beginning to doubt, who have brought this farcical case will be thoroughly investigated. Hiding behind a CAT is a serious offense. You have not heard the end of this. Not by a long way. Tiddles - you are free to go."

Lord Judge Superior N. Owitall Bar banged his gavel once more and strode out of the courtroom.
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Postby OZ_Nick on Wed Aug 02, 2006 10:22 pm

Where he made the fatal mistake of stepping on Tiddles tail. As he turned to apologise he was "greeted" by Tiddles, Widdles, Piddles and the entire Tiddles-clone army. After a brief commotion Lord Judge Superior N. Owitall Bar's wig was seen blowing away on the breeze, but that was all that was ever seen of him again.

Meanwhile back in the courtroom faint cries of help were heard coming from the vat of Fish Head Stew.
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Mutate

Postby black bart on Thu Aug 03, 2006 7:32 am

From the back of the court in a cage, wearing a Hanibal Lecter mask and struggling to hold on to his tongue (in more ways than one!) Black Bart screamed:

"Dear God...

get her out or she'll mutate I tell thee!"
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Postby The Black Spot on Thu Aug 03, 2006 11:56 am

Helped by a bailiff wearing a gasmask, Judge Lady Prunella Boadicea Springer-Spaniel Bonehart, JD, MBE, DVM, RPh, EdD pulled herself free of the stew, and with wounded dignity sat back on the bench.

She was not in the best of moods. Someone would pay for this afternoon's events.

She peered around the courtroom and spied her victim in the public gallery.

"The Scurvy Fleet Disciplinary Board calls..."
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Postby walktheplank on Thu Aug 03, 2006 8:07 pm

Judge Lady Prunella Boadicea Springer-Spaniel Bonehart, JD, MBE, DVM, RPh, EdD looked at the name on the charge sheet, she hesitated and looked nervously at an individual in the public gallery, a bead of sweat clearly visible on her brow.

"The Scurvy Fleet Disciplinary Board calls errr..."

Judge Lady Prunella Boadicea Springer-Spaniel Bonehart, JD, MBE, DVM, RPh, EdD then starts to shake violently and stops in mid sentence to take a swig out of her bottle of Rum.

The clerk of the court races over and grabs the judge's shaking hand, slowly she calms down but she has turned a deathly white.

After several minutes she regains her composure.

"The Scurvy Fleet Disciplinary Board calls Cap'n Cronan..."
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Postby The Black Spot on Fri Aug 04, 2006 7:44 am

An angular figure drifted through the mist that had suddenly appeared in the courtroom, and took his place in the dock.

The court bailiff stepped forward.

"You are Captain Jonah Cronan, also known as "Davy Jones' Recruiter", "The Ghoul of Portsmouth", and "The Nun of Dresden"?

"I am." Cronan's voice had a curious, crackling quality. It was the voice of something that had been dead a long time, or perhaps it was just someone who's had too much booze and too many cigarettes.

Judge Lady Prunella Boadicea Springer-Spaniel Bonehart, JD, MBE, DVM, RPh, EdD read out the charges:

"Cap'n Cronan, you are charged with being a serial sinker, a menace to shipping, and a scarer of children and horses. How do you plead?"

Cap'n Cronan just stood there, nonchalantly chewing a fish head.

"I'll take that as a 'not guilty'," said Judge Lady Prunella Boadicea Springer-Spaniel Bonehart, JD, MBE, DVM, RPh, EdD. "Prosecutor, call your first witness."

"M'Lady, I call...
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Hatches

Postby black bart on Fri Aug 04, 2006 8:02 am

Crikey...Shiver me timbers...batten the hatches...

Somebody please check the foundations o the Court House...I'm sure I felt a list to starboard when Cronan walked in! :?
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Postby DaveL on Fri Aug 04, 2006 8:14 am

...the recently escaped and gallows bound Capn DaveL.

The prosecution begun it's examination. 'Capn DaveL you were recently employed by the Arggghhh Shipping Werks to undertake a trial of a secret prototype galleon the 'Arghhh 9001' off the English channel.'

'YArrrr...that be correct sir' said DaveL

'Which test Captain was assigned belatedly to skipper the Arggh 9001?' Immediately, DaveL pointed to Cronan.

How did the Arrrrgggh Shipping Werks appoint Cronan to yer vessel?

'Oi have no idea sir, another skipper Captain Hossenfefer was found bound and gagged in a latrine at the Drunken Mermaid.'

So tell us what happened when the Arggghh 9001 left Portsmouth Harbour?
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Postby Griffin on Sun Aug 06, 2006 8:53 pm

The Arggghh 9001 be fitted wiv a Computerised Sat Nav system from 'Weather, Farquarweenow and Co. So be Black Bart's ship. Black Bart's ship be spinning an always eds off for Russia. The Arggghh 9001 be always sailing zig zag like an kep missin Black Bart's ship by a Tiddle's wisker. Black Bart got is sails in a twist an, well, that be wot started it off like, me lady.
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Postby walktheplank on Mon Aug 07, 2006 6:13 am

Judge Lady Prunella Boadicea Springer-Spaniel Bonehart, JD, MBE, DVM, RPh, EdD banged her gaval

"Enough of this technical babble, for the benefit of the court I understand the prosecutor has called an independant witness who is an expert on Ship Navigation systems and can interpret the testimony in a manner that the jury and I might add myself can understand"

The prosecutor uttered a nervous laugh "Yes yer onour I would like to call our technical expert The Black Spot"
The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who in the name of charity and goodwill shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.
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