Portsmouth Guaaaaaarrrrrrrrrdian for yer latest news

[pieces o'nine]

MORE SCANDAL SWIRLS AROUND BLACK BART!

Portsmouth citizens are well aware that sometime-resident Black Bart, captain of piracy of the Big Brenda and captain of industry at Bart Industries, has traded many a tale of selling his mother to the Aztecs in exchange for Captains' Delights at the Benbow.

Unable to ignore public outrage further, Mayor Ken Liversausauge has asked for a blue-ribbon panel to investigate the claims. In addition, the local branch office of HM Revenue & Customs is combing old records to determine whether the alleged sale was duly reported. If not, Black Bart's Letters of Marque and may be revoked with Reprisals taken against him.

A highly-placed source spoke on condition of anonymity, "Yarrrgh. Oi wreckomends ye hexamins 'is Letter ov Marque. We awl nose Bart majored in Graffic Harrrghts at Portsmouth Pirate Public School, an 'e be well-known fer forrrgin documents here an there in hexchange fer a dubloon under thee tayble, loike. An oi alwayes thought 'is allejed birf sir tifficut mayde poor yosage ov whoite spayce, feechured Comic Sans hinappropriately, an contained moor "Can Ye Spotte thee Difference?" carrrghtoons than be thee norm."

No activity has been observed at Bart Industries, and the recorded greeting has been replaced with a rude suggestion.

More on this story to follow.

[Tigger_the_Wing]

Meanwhile, our faithful newshound has this to say on the matter:

"Woof. Yip. Arf. Yelp! Hooooowwwwl…"

Passers by, assisted by a dockyard crane, are attempting to remove his paw from beneath Big Brenda.

[black bart]

Arrgh I be good fer thee dubloons I tells ye...I swears on me mother's grave...XXXXXXXXXX...

Blast yer...owe does ye cross out on these infernal Scumsoft Compooters...

I swears on me Grandmother's Grave, may she rest in peace in Trinidad & Tobago.

I'll ave a large rum landlord whilst ye gazes in awe at these golden dubloons on Arrgh Bay wot be similar to thee ones in my treasure:

[pieces o'nine]

Deare Hedditor:

Oi bin waytin fer a followup story on that rap-scallion Black Bart, but nuffink. Nuffink! If oi'm gonna keepe payin yer outrayjess subscripshun raytes, oi hexpecks moor 'bang' fer me 'buck', loike, in these tryin' heconomick toimes.

Now on to a real news tippe: oi 'as resieved a personal message from ArrrghBay, axin' me to fill out a hinterminable onloine form, descroibin' enny deals wot moight 'ave gone awry wiv sum lubber naymed "fishstewpot" wot be peddlin dodgy-lookin dubloons. Oi suggests ye droppe yer pointlesse whisperin campayne against Black Bart an Bart Industries, hex speshully if yer not goin' t'print enny moor juicy rumors, and hinsteade get on this "fishstewpot" brew-ha-ha.

Signed, a Concerned Catizen-
Dom thee Danger Catte
[his marque]

[Roy Hunter]

Portsmouth Police refuse to release pictures of Black Bart!
Despite pressure from the pirate community and the media, Portsmouth Police have decided against releasing pictures of Black Bart. Mayor Keith Liversausage said in a statement "We had to weigh the benefits against the risks, and in the end we have decided that it might prove too inflammatory to release these very provocational and frankly ugly photos".

Black Bart; who has been described in the past as "being badly beaten with the ugly stick", having a face like "a melted Wellington boot" or "a trout with indigestion"; was photographed following a covert mission by US Special Forces to infiltrate Thee Benbow and get bladdered. A spokesman for Thee Benbow said "It was a nightmare. Those poor squaddies. They came in all very inconspiculusly, very low-profile, with their buzz-cuts, commando knife tattoos and foreign accents. The last thing they wanted to see was a drunk pirate, with a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp, standing on a table singing "Mae hen wlad fy nhadau yn annwyl i mi, Gwlad beirdd a chantorion, enwogion o fri,".

A Pentagon source told The Guaaarrrdian "We never comment on operational matters. But, man! That guy looked like he'd spent the weekend in a cement mixer with a sackful of hammers. I Tweeted the photos first thing I saw them".

Detective Turtleholmes is currently listed as Missing In Action.

[black bart]

21 Gun Salute For Admiral Twisted Sister not loud enough
(and not enough guns )

Admiral Twisted Sister, Second in command of the Fleet after the First Sea Lord and a woman known to have the 'ear of the King' was left fuming last Wednesday as the occasion of her birthday went uncelebrated by the Fleet Command.

Admiral Twisty (as she is affectionately known to her crew from the way she likes to use a twisted rope on their backs if they look at her sideways) is reported to have swept across the poop deck like a Tornado sending Jolly Jack Tars scuttling for cover.

However it turns out a 21 gun salute had been fired in honour of the Admirals Birthday but the sound of the guns had been drowned out by the noisy revelry from the Admiral Benbow after rumours circulated that Black Bart had been shot by 'Ye Speshul Forces'.

Portsmouth has a history of failed birthday celebrations one of the most spectacular being last years attempted celebration of Mayor Keith Liversausage's birthday when the salute guns inexplicably aimed live ammunition at the Town Hall.

Article Sponsored by Bart Industries in Conjunction with Ye Piratical Haccident Helpline.*

*If you have been injured in an accident that wasn't your fault (or shot by Speshul forces or a mis-directed 21 gun salute), fill in your details below and one of our friendly advisors will call to discuss making a compensation claim on a no win no fee basis.

[black bart]

New Long Winded Tale starts Spate of Head returning

A new Long winded tale, purported to be 99% true has began a spate of foreign booty and memorabilia being returned to their countries of origin. 'The Shrunken Head' tells the gory tale of a Maori Warrior's head put on display at a Portsmouth Hostelry. The head has since been claimed by it's relatives and this has sparked a campaign by Mayor Liversausage to have other objects returned to their original homes.

So far the Portsmouth Museum of Stolen Booty has refused to return the famous 'Taichi Marbles' stating 'he lost them, he can come and get them back.' Headless Jim, crewman of the Black Pig refused to comment and Black Bart has dumped four thousand tons of Fish Heads back into the harbour.

Mayor Liversausage said although the campaign was reciprocal there was no way he wanted any deported convicts coming back, we've got enough scum as it is.

[TwistedSister]

21 Gun Salute For Admiral Twisted Sister not loud enough
(and not enough guns )

I just now saw this. Not sure if I should feel flattered or

At least I made the headlines!

[TwistedSister]

Parton launches pirate dinner show

Dolly Parton has hoisted the Jolly Roger on the South Carolina coast with the opening of Pirates Voyage, the new dinner theater show that takes the place of her popular Western-themed Dixie Stampede in Myrtle Beach.

"We just needed to do something new and different," the singer said Friday, in town for the first show in the production that features actors portraying pirates and mermaids and also has real horses and sea lions.

(true article)

Way to go Dolly!

[black bart]

Yarrgh Dolly'd make a foine figur head fer a shyppe she would...although it moight cause thee shyppe to unbalance.

[DavidH]

Aaargh - ye be wantin a fightin ship, not an icebreaker.

[black bart]

Aaargh - ye be wantin a fightin ship, not an icebreaker.

Aye matey, Dolly would certainly maik a goodlee Ice Breaker at a party loik...hencouragin comments such as "Blimey look at the size o them, they be stickin out further than a bowsprit!". Love is loik a butterfly? It would take a crane ta lift her into me hammock!

[Roy Hunter]

Portsmouth Hit By Earthquake!
Yesterday Portsmouth was rocked by a magnitude 3.9 earthquake. The epicentre was about 10km under the surface, just south of Portsmouth, according to the PBC.

There have been no reported sightings of Big Brenda in the area, and no-one from Bart Industries was available for comment. Auntie Blackbeard is 64.

[black bart]

Austrian driver's religious headgear strains credulity

A very creditable attempt but Where was his pirate gear?

[DavidH]

Austrian driver wearing Bart's hat crashes into tree before getting into third gear

"Ach, du liebes FSM, I am not a bloody thing seeing able to," says Herr Arsch.