"GENESIS"/HISTORY

[Illano]

In the Beginning, there was naught but the Flying Spaghetti Monster, one intelligent living form among the vague clouds of chaos and lackmatter that did not live or have form. And the Flying Spaghetti Monster gazed among all this with his two solemn eyes and understood that there must be something made of it. So, with a vast sweep of his noodly appendage, he gathered up great amounts of lackmatter causing the mass to become more dense until solidity emerged, though the lackmatter was still shapeable. The Flying Spaghetti Monster decided to make this creation in a spherical shape, inspired by the solid and reassuring form of His two meatballs. Thus The Giant Meatball of the World was formed.

[Qwertyuiopasd]

I like it Illano.

one thing we have to do before writing something as big as this, is reading ALL other scriptures on the subject, and in a near timezone. DaveL's widely accepted Book of Midget takes place as the first midget is made. thus, to have continuity, we can't very well have that in the "genisis"

~Qwerty

[alt_phil]

The book of Guinnessis

Just after the beginning, when there was *almost* nothing, the strands of the universe were coiled and writhed like a big bowl of pasta, in His image.

And lo, unto the shapeless but wonderful universe came a conscience in the form of two meatballs and eye stalks. No one knows why.

On the first day... He rested. In His almighty wisdom He knew that spaghetti is always better on the second day.

So on the seconds day...

He sighted His empty domain and cried out, "Let there be a mountain!" And lo, there was, and He was happy. But He felt the bare mountain did not show the boundaries of His true noodly power. So He cried unto the mountain, "Let there be peas!", but alas, His sauce dribbled in the way and in His excitement He slurred - so there were trees. But He was happy, and to this day He pretends He meant to do that.

Yet His almighty noodleness was unsatisfied, for whom could He share this vision of His mighty power?

So after much deliberation, He cried, "Let there be a little dude!" And lo - there was a midgit. Luckily for Him, written language was yet to be invented, so spelling errors did not exist, for He did not will them into being yet.

The midgit He named "Alfredo", the first of his kind.

Alfredo was happy at first, waddling around the mountain and viewing the tall trees His benevolent noodled master created. But Alfredo was lonely.

Alfredo clambered to the top of the mountain to speak to the Pasta that dwells above, which turned out unnecessary since He can be found anywhere - but the sight pleased His noodleness, since Alfredo walked funny.

Alfredo called out, "Lo! I am lonely! Please oh wonderful appendage of the noodled universe, grant unto me companionship or at least a facsimile thereof!"
A crash rung through the heavens, which were created at that point just for the crash, and had not existed before. And from the heavens descended a stripper factory! And Alfredo wept with joy, for in front of the stripper factory was a free ATM, set low in the wall for those short in stature.

And for many days, Alfredo was happy, but soon he grew thirsty. So it was that Alfredo left the lap dance couch to begin again his pilgrimage up the mountain. But His mighty noodleness stopped him before his ascent.

"What is it My faithful little man wants from Me now?" spoketh Him.

"My divine noodled one, oh hear my plea! I thirst!"

"Did you say tree? I made those already!" Spoketh his otherwise occupied Greatness.

"Er... I must have, but I meant to say plea. Hear my plea. I thirst!" Quickly responded Alfredo thoughtfully.

"So be it", said the Power of Pasta. With a great swipe from his noodly appendage, he cleft off the top of the mountain, and from it bled the life blood of the earth - Guinness!
So it was, the beer volcano was created for His faithful.

Alfredo and his strippers drank deeply, partaking in that sweet nectar of life. When they had their fill, they realized they were horny.

"Oh great Pashtaed... w-one," Alfredo called. "Yoush shure is great and schtuff! Shay... how do I get it on?"

"Ah my servant," said His mighty noodled wonder. "You amuse me endlessly, for as you drink more, you walk and talk even funnier than before. This last boon I was grant you, and then you shall do me a favor."

And with a wave of his noodly appendage, the great FSM took from the strippers 10% of their tips (for He is Pimp) and then made little Alfredo in his own image, giving Alfredo a noodly appendage of his own, and two little meaty balls.

And Alfredo went with joy at the wonderful sight. And the strippers were pleased.

Many years and many illegitimate children later, His mighty noodled presence appeared unto Alfredo.

"I have given you much, and now I will demand a boon from you, my faithful midgit." Spoketh Him. "You have amused Me greatly, but I wish more amusement. You and yours will therefore, from now on, only speaketh to Me while dressed in full pirate regalia!"

And Alfredo wept, because he did not know what a pirate was, let alone what regalia was. He pleaded to the FSM, begging that the FSM ask something else of him. But the FSM grew angry and spoke wrathfully...

"Let there be a crappy little planet for you and yours to suffer on, until the day you learn to roll your 'Arrrs'."

And with that, Alfredo and his little bastard children, not all of which were so little, were cast from His presence (and beer and strippers), to settle upon Earth.

Alfredo deaadicated his-a life to becoming a pirate, and changed his name to Roberts. For the next 20 years, he studied and practiced piracy. After many successful plunders, he promoted himself to Dread Pirate. A short 5 years after that, His holy noodleness appeared unto him again and spoke.

"Young Alfredo... sorry... Dread Pirate Alfredo... er... Roberts. Whatever. You have pleased me with your scallywagging and your looting. I welcome you back into the embrace of my loving noodly appendage." And the one named Alfredo wept with joy, although this is not really a very pirate-like thing to do. But the FSM in His wisdom allowed this little man his little cry.

"Arrr, me most divine saucy wonder, yar! Tis be what I hope fer all me life to dock once again at the great port of strippers an beer! Let me just promote me first mate to take me place at the helm!"

And the FSM giggled, fully amused by the sight of a midgit pirate and the sexual overtones of his statement.

And it was done. Alfredo's first mate took his place and his name, and Alfredo took once again his old name and his place back within the stripper factory, where he drinks Guinness from the beer volcano for all eternity.


This is the gospel of the bored.
Ramen.

[Tickle]

Impressive first post alt phil! Lovely story.

Welcome to the forums!

[alt_phil]

Impressive first post alt phil! Lovely story.

Welcome to the forums!

I am only a humble believer, to serve Him and His most Noodly power as best I may.

[wlrube]

Here is The Creation as revealed to me. I recorded this a while ago, and only now realized that I could show it to anybody. I also have The Customary "Great Deluge" Story, which I'll post in another thread. Because they explain almost every facet of the teachings of the Prophet, they will most certainly conflict with nearly every other wannabe FSM holy book, but I figure they're worth submitting, anyway.


The Creation

0. In the beginning, there was nothing. 1. Then, the Flying Spaghetti Monster said, “let there be noodles.â€￾ And lo, there were noodles. 2. But the Monster looked upon His noodles and was not satisfied, so he said, “let there be tomato sauce.â€￾ And lo, there was tomato sauce. 3. But the Monster was still not satisfied, and He created meatballs, olive oil, cheese, vegetables, herbs, and a great many other ingredients to be served with His noodles. 4. And when He was done, He smiled upon His creation, and was satisfied.

5. But still the Monster desired more, and He resolved to create a vast, marvelous world, in which His wondrous creations could be enjoyed. 6. And thus He took from His many cooking ingredients Holy Baking Soda and Holy Vinegar. 7. And He mixed the Baking Soda with the Vinegar; and lo, there was a great explosion, and His noodles and other ingredients were dispersed, and thus the Universe was created. 8. And He looked upon his new Universe, and was not satisfied. So He chose one of His large meatballs, and Touched it with His Noodly Appendage. 9. And lo; from the meatball sprang a mountain, trees, and a midgit.

10. And He looked upon His meatball, and said, “I shall call this meatball, Earth.â€￾ And the meatball was thereafter known as Earth. 11. And the Monster looked upon it, and decided that the water in which He boiled His noodles would cover the Earth; and it was so. 12. And He decided that the herbs and vegetables with which He covered His noodles would also cover the Earth; and it was so. 13. And He decided that many great and meager beasts, which carry within them the meat of His meatballs, would cover the Earth; and it was so. 14. And He looked upon His creation, and was satisfied.

15. And when he was done, He looked upon His midgit, and showed His creation to the midgit, and the midgit cried out with joy and his mouth watered. 16. And the midgit began to eat a great feast of spaghetti with all of the Monster’s ingredients, and he ate his fill, and was satisfied. 17. But lo; the midgit had left much of the Monster’s spaghetti untouched, and much of His other ingredients as well. 18. So He called out to the midgit, and said; “why, midgit, do you not finish your feast?" 19. And the midgit said; “Lo, Your Noodliness, but I cannot finish Your feast; while it greatly satisfies the longing of my taste buds, it threatens to burst my stomach. I cannot eat another bite.â€￾

20. And lo; the Monster was displeased, and the Earth shook with His displeasure. 21. And the Monster in His fury struck the Earth many times with His Noodly Appendage, and many mountains and trees did spring from the Earth; but many humans did also. 22. And the Monster cried out with joy, for these people would eat His divine feast, and could finish it, as they did not have bellies as small as that of the midgit. 23. And the Monster told his people; “go, eat the divine feast which I have provided you.â€￾ 24. And the people cried out with joy as the midgit had, and ate of His great feast, and finished every bite which He provided.

25. And then the people did proceed to harvest the herbs and vegetables, and create more of the noodles, and kill the wild beasts, in order to create more noodles, meatballs, and condiments to continue their feast. 26. But as the people created their feasts, they spread across the surface of the Earth gathering ingredients, and thus lost contact with one another. 27. And lo; some of these people began to create lasagna, and some created bologna, and some created pizza, and soon the people of Earth created many foods. 28. And the Monster was displeased, and the Earth shook with His fury. 29. And lo; some of these people were driven mad by the power of spicy foods they had created, and conceived that there were other Monsters apart from His Noodliness.

30. And they called these Monsters by many names, and worshipped them in many ways, and shunned the one true Flying Spaghetti Monster, and forgot Him. 31. And the Monster was again displeased, and the Earth again shook with His fury. 32. Then He suddenly became pleased, for He had conceived of a method by which he could punish those who had forgotten Him. 33. He created a great paradise which He called Heaven, built on a bed of spaghetti, which would be occupied only by those who worshiped the true Monster. 34. And He created in His Paradise a mountain that spurted the beverage which the humans called “beer,â€￾ to satisfy the humans who worshiped the true Monster.

35. And He created in His Paradise a factory which crafted human beings, but the human beings it crafted were beautiful, and would please the humans who worshiped the true Monster. 36. And He created strict moral codes regarding sexual acts and many other things, that the unfaithful would follow to their great displeasure, and decreed that His followers would not abide by such codes. 37. And His revenge upon the unfaithful was complete, and He was satisfied.

[Sasuman]

Tbe book Barney
Author: Sasuman

During the life time of Chris Shingle a man named Barney Simpson was given birth. He was anointed and appointed by the holy noodly one to do a good work and to prophesy among the pirate groups. It was given to him the power to heal the sick, to raise the dead, and to materialize holy foods that those in starvation may be filled.

In the beginning was the Sauce, and the sauce was with the Pasta, and the sauce was Pasta, and the Sauce became flesh. The man grew up right and was taught the ways of the law, and was given a holy mission to fulfill. At age 18 he began his ministry.

He preached a sermon of righteousness and of the kingdom to come. One day he was chosen to read a text from the holy book of Caraboo, a book, which remains yet to be recovered. It was written by a well-enlightened pirate name Caraboo who was appoint by his great noodleness to foretell the coming of someone who would free the pirates from a great oppressor, the great nation of doo-doo cockaroni.

The nation of doo-doo cockaroni at the time had ruled much of the world along with the Roman Empire, in fact, the doodyans were so advanced that they only tricked the Romans into believing they were in control, when in fact they were in control. The doo-doo cockaronians were literally lumps of humanoid shape crap with an intelligent mind. They ascended from the hell that the Flying Spaghetti monster unwillingly created for a very select few of people that could not be accepted into his coming kingdom.

Anyway, Barney read from the book of Caraboo, “R, I be tellen yet that there is a man coming r. He gona free us from all tis crap r. We ain’t gona be controlled by these doo-doo head no mores r. We gona be free r. He gona come once, come again, and then his kingdom shall never end. R. He gona be a teacher, then they gona stone him to death, cuz he wouldn’t eat the unholy cheeses. Then his father shall appoint a man after his death to find the most holyist of holy cheses. R.â€￾

As Barney read to the pirates, he spoke up and said, “R, I be tellen you that this prophesy is fulfilled R. I am the Flying Spaghetti Monster who was and is and who be coming. I gona be freeing you from the doo-doo cockaronians, and invisible anti – force that be makin people do bad stuffs and eat all kinds of unholy crap.â€￾

When the other pirates heard this, they were upheld. They began to say, “R who is this Jackass that be telling us he is the Flying Spaghetti Monster. The flesh is unholy and unclean. R he be sayin that the Flying Spaghetti Monster took on human form. Preposterous, future generations will hear this story and will not even be believing it. Oh yea, R. “

They began to throw their holy books at him and drove him out of the city of Piratu with swords. One them actually tried to jump up and whack him with his wig wager. While raging, one of the pirates hands was actually cut off, and everyone began to rush to him. Barney came up to him and said, “U will be beliven me now.â€￾
He stretched out his hand and touched the man and said, “R, I be the Flying Spaghetti Monster, I gona be make you a new hand out of Spaghettiâ€￾ Then he took the man’s arm and stretched it out towards the sky. Instantly a fog a steam began to swirl at the end of the fog, and grain began to materials. And intertwined hand of Spaghetti formed, and finally became flesh. The crowd was astonished.

One pirate began to say, “He be a doo-doo cockaroni, a shef boy r de man. The anti-FSM. Tat be why he can do that.â€￾

When Barney heard this he was rather pissed and replied, “Ye jackass, I be telling you, how can chef boy r de be making a hand out of spaghetti, only the holy one can be doin that ya know. Chef boy r de makes crap out of chef boy r de, and I being that I am the FSM, I be makin it out of Spaghetti.â€￾

When the crowd heard this half walked away, and a fifth ran up to him and began to kiss his ass and his feat. They picked him up and carried him all over the place shouting, “tis man can heal the sick, we be bringin him to eryone to heal.â€￾

So they found two men who had been constipated for years. They were pleading for help. They yelled, “R be helping me please, I ain’t been crappin for 2 year yea yea.â€￾ Then Barney said, “R, u be believing I can do tis to ya R?â€￾ “Yes pleaseâ€￾ the man replied. Instantly a noodle came out of the sky and went up the man’s ass, and diluted the crap so it could flow.

Another pirate called out and said, “R what good tis man be doin? All he did was be given him diarea R.â€￾

Barney replied, “STFU. Your going to hell for not believing.â€￾

Pirates began to come and question Barney. One man asked him, “R is u da flyin spaghetti monsta r, then y u all fleshy like us r.â€￾

Then the Flying Spaghetti Monster spoke from heaven and said, “This is my remote control human being, see my Nintendo game cube controller right here? I use him to preach to you cuz I didn’t really feel like appointen a prophet.â€￾

Then Barney spoke and said, “R I have come to be fullfillen a mission. Ya see, it ain’t time to free ya yet, I gona do dat after yall kill me. Cuz all ye be doin is killin a robot. He he. I still in heaven with my lil game cube.â€￾

Barney healed the sick and the blind, the mute and the deaf for years and years. Eventually everyone got tired of it. One man took it for granted so much he tried to do it himself, and because he believed it worked, but only because he did it in the name of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Later this believer who’s name was Chris Shingle, became a great figure in FSM history.

One day barney was preaching among a crowed of 10,000. This is the serman he preached.

“R, one day I gona be makin everythin out a spaghetti. Then it gona be a feast till the end of time. Yall comin with me if ya promise not to kill no one. Ya still something, tas ok. You smack someone around, eh, I guess its ok. But ya kill someone, I gona kill u. Oh yea, R.

Ya better not be precluding people to eat pasta, yo dem da niggas. Ya gotto let them eat it. Is healthy and is da holy food of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, who is me controlin this hear robot tat u see.

So anyways, I be telling u.

No be killing.
No be stealing.
No be blaspheming against the noodly one.
No be eaten shef boy r de.
No be masterbatin without prayen for a good ejaculation first.
No be eatin pig without pasta.
No be eatin pasta without sauce.
No be eatin sauce without meatballs.
No be eatin the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
No be doin this, and that.

But if ya doin anyway, o well. Just doin be killen R. R if ya R be R killen R, R you gona goto hell and tat place is rated R. Ya be hearing? R?

If someone be comin up ta ya offering ya some pasta, don’t take it. Just be saying to him he should eat it. Yes yes, it is betta tat ya starve for another man ta be saved, then fo u ta be eatin it like a greedy pig, and be banned from the stripper factory up there.

R, someone great be coming before the Kingdom, his name be boby, and he gona be resurrecting the belief in my name. Cuz yall gona forget, then I gona have to burn yall down. No body gona know you was eva hear, till boby comes. Then million will believe. Ten the pasta won’t be far from the earth, and the kingdom gona be nigh.

R one a these days they be people thinking I am a dinasour. R….â€￾

Barney preached for 7 hours, and the people began to get hungry. So he picked 10 people from the crowed and said, “r, pull some noodles out a me ass and feed it to da people.â€￾ So they began to pool spaghetti out of the man’s ass, and fill huge bowls with it. It was enough for everyone. They all ate and were sastified.

Barney was on his way to another city when was stabed, beaten, smaked across the head, stoned, and killed.â€￾ What he taught in that serman shook the people like crazy. They were compelled to do the will of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. His coming opened the door for many prophets, like Cris, Josaphinus, and Penustious.
One day, the Flying Spaghetti Monster will descend onto the earth, and it will become fruitful with Spaghetti and meatballs, and he will establish a kingdom that will never end.

[DDayDawg]

I worte this a while back right after the movement started and it was sitting in my hard drive. Thought I would throw it out there. Ditch it, use it, make fun of it, whatever. Just thought I would share.


A Reading From the Book of Fusilli
Chapter 12 through 13


6 And it came to pass that the Flying Spaghetti Monster saw that the world was no longer a tasty place.

7 And the Flying Spaghetti Monster said, I will destroy all this untastiness that I have created from the face of the earth; man and beast, beer and brothel, and all the creeping things that are less than savory.

8 But Steve the Pirate found grace with the Flying Spaghetti Monster, and was touched by his noodly appendage.

9 Steve, begat of Jeff, was renowned throughout the land. The proprietor of a small pub in the provence well know for his amber lager and the best pasta salad of which has ever been spoken to the ears of men.

10 And the Flying Spaghetti Monster said unto Steve, the end of untastiness is come before me and behold I will destroy the earth.

11 Go thou into the forest and seek out the largest Bay Leaf tree therein. Make a ship of these leaves that it may add to the tastiness of my kingdom.

12 And in this fashion shalt thou make the ship, it shall be shaped as a Pirate ship several hundred cubits in length and pretty wide in cubits as well and high enough that thou doest not feel hemmed in. Useth thou thy best judgement.

13 A window thou shalt make in the ship, a rather nice one with curtains. As pirates there be no need for a door, as thou shalt swing on ropes to exit thine ship.

14 And behold, I shall cover the earth with a fresh tomato sauce to destroy all untastyiness. And I shall simmer this sauce on low for forty days and forty nights then another day allowing it to cool and thicken.

15 Go and fill your ship with two of every spice in the land. Gather basil and paprika and salt and cayenne peppers that we my season the new tastiness of the world to come. This is my promise to you and all who come after you.

1 And so it came to pass that the Flying Spaghetti Monster did cleanse the earth with a fresh tomato basil sauce and remove all untastiness therein.

2 And Steve went into his ship and did float upon the sauce that covered all the earth for 41 days and 40 nights (allowing for cooling). And Steve had brought into the ship two of every spice and these he did liberally apply to the sauce through the very nice window with curtains that he had built.

3 On the 41st day the Pirate ship came to rest on a hill and so Steve sent forth a parrot to see if the sauce had receded, but the parrot found no place to roost and returned to the ship.

4 So Steve waited and after seven days he sent forth the parrot again to see if the sauce had abated and the parrot returned not to him again but instead found refuge beside a large beer volcano.

5 Thus it came to pass that on the 49th day the earth was dry and tasty and Steve built a small alter unto the Flying Spaghetti Monster and covered it with parmesan. And Steve spoke to the Flying Spaghetti Monster saying, In your tastiness the earth has been reborn and, wow, a beer volcano!

6 And the Flying Spaghetti Monster saw that it was good and mighty tasty.


David D.
Memphis, TN

[Sir Talos]

In the beginning, before the creation of the universe, there was only an omniscient awareness that had existed for all eternity (the mathematical equivalent of infinity squared). We now refer to this entity as the Flying Spaghetti Monster, but at this point He had no form as He had not yet created the concept of matter.

Why He existed as only a consciousness for such a long period of time is unknown. But some of the greatest pastafarian theologians have hypothesized that 'although infinity squared is inconceivable to humans, to Him it seems only a millisecond'. As such, in His time it took approximately half a millisecond to conceive and create the universe. Earth cosmologists have termed this event the Big Bang, but to the Flying Spaghetti Monster it is known as the biggest Brain Fart ever (loose translation).

According to the holy scriptures, the entire universe was intially composed of a mountain, trees, and a midgit. The time it took Him to create this early version of the universe became the standard measure of time, the day. Although we do not pretend to understand His mysterious ways, it is thought that these three creations, the mountain, the trees, and the midgit were deemed by the Flying Spaghetti Monster to be the essential commodities for the existence of pirates, which in his all knowing wisdom he had formulated to be the perfect life forms though he had not yet created them.

The mountain, in all its grandeur, was actually a byproduct of the digging out of the ocean and future domain of the pirates. The endless rows of trees were meant solely to be used by pirates as material for pirate ships and wooden legs. And although no human knows or dare challenge the divine purpose of the midget, it is thought that the Flying Spaghetti Monster was embarrassed that He had made himself invisible without anyone to be invisible from. Hence He created the midgit, and behold the midgit could not see Him.

Still, the Flying Spaghetti Monster had yet to create the rest of the universe including His own identity, so He decided to let the midgit determine his physical appearance. He instantaneously appeared before the midget in an infinite magnitude of forms one of which was an airborne conglomeration of noodles, a pair meatballs, and a pair of eyes. The midget upon seeing this particular sight began to laugh uncontrollably and the Flying Spaghetti Monster became annoyed by the midget and willed into existence a noodly appendage which he used to strike the midget. In his anger he forgot that he remained in this form.

He then became invisible once more and behold the midget could no longer see him. This experience was extremely gratifying to the Flying Spaghetti Monster and He in His unlimited generosity took the next three days to complete the universe. He then rested for another three days; these three days were similar to the time before creation except with more midgets. According to the ancient star charts, the Flying Spaghetti Monster watched his creation from afar for the equivalent of 14 billions years. One Tuesday, in the year 1007 BCE He decided that the universe was ready for pirates and then He, In His wisdom, created the first pirate and the global temperature immediately dropped by 15 degrees C.

[black bart]

But what I want to know is...

When did the first pirate appear?

It must have been later on when there was something worth plundering!

...and lo the Lord gave him an eye patch and he saw that it was good, and a leg of wood and a hook...

[Xargon]

From paleoclimate records, we can determine when the rise of atmospheric oxygen occured. As Pirates require oxygen, the first Pirate would have appeared after this. And as Pirates are His chosen people, we might infer the influence of an ancient proto-Pirate in the increase of Earth's oxygen levels.

But this brings up the question: what is the definitive age of the Earth according to the FSM? As a scientist, I am fully aware of His noodly appendage in my results, but surely the age of the Earth has been made known by revelation. I am hesitant to simply "count backwards" using the creation account in the Gospel of the FSM, as such a technique is most certainly too simple, considering His complexities.

[Duke]

In The Book, The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, the true age of this universe is revealed.


Duke

[Xargon]

Yes, but what about the age of the Earth? (Or did I miss that part? If so, a page number would be great!)

[Duke]

I could be wrong, but I believe that Earth was created in the begining, way 5000 years ago. I will check.

Edit: Yep! Page 51.


Duke

[Xargon]

Ah yes, I see now.

So then, is the rise of atmospheric oxygen a complete fallacy (put there by the FSM to test us, like fossils or redshift), or did it simply occur at a different point in time?