LAW

Submit your scriptural writings for inclusion in the Loose Canon, and your tales of ancient FSM Lore, as well as any other FSM-related writing you may have.

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LAW

Postby Solipsy on Sat Sep 17, 2005 1:07 pm

Of course, no rules! Just suggestions....
If there's one thing that most scripture has, it's plenty of stupid "law", like ridiculous stuff about not eating shellfish, and not wearing clothing made of two kinds of cloth, owning slaves, and all of that. We already know that we have Flimsy Moral Standards. There are of course NO RULES, but I love funny stuff, so I propose a "book" or two of ridiculous "law" for inclusion in the Loose Canon. Just a suggestion: I think it would be most hilarious to "outlaw" incredibly silly stuff no one really does or ought to be doing, and give it really trifling penalties.

Here's something I wrote, and my home-noodles & I thought was funny:

And it shall be that no eating of boogers shall occur in the market place, the classroom, the gas station, the fast-food restaurant, or the car while sitting at a red light, or in any other place. This is His Noodly Word, and for to break it, the offender shall sacrifice three slices of mushroom pizza upside down upon the altar of the offender's own coffee table. There those slices shall remain until such time as do appear small gnats. Then and only then is the offender considered cleansed of his booger-sin, and may dispose of the mushroomed slices, and shall sin no more.

His Holy Flying Spaghetti Monster shall not tolerate the owning of more than seven stuffed animals by a heterosexual man over the age of 25. If such a man is found to be in possession of said offensive beasts, the beasts will be taken by the True Believers, and they shall be ritually sacrificed upon the garbage heap after much dismemberment. The man shall then be taunted for a time not to exceed two minutes. Then shall he hop on one foot for a full minute and be considered forgiven. This sayeth our Lord and Noodle. Should his girlfriend be the presenter of the beasts, she should be sternly told to grow up, and instructed by the elder males among the True Believers about appropriate gifts for boyfriends, for yea and verily, she is freakin' clueless. If the gifter be his Mother, it shall be explained to her that she is now the parent of a grown man, and ought consider gifts of cash instead. Thus instructs The Wise and Meatbally.

The scratching of the most private parts or retrieval of the undergarments from the depths of the nether-regions shall be reserved for times when the True Believer has excused him/herself from the company of others, or such time as the True Believer wears the uniform of the team of a professional baseball player, and is on national television. For the breaking of this sacred law, the penalty shall be that all those True Believers present and in observance shall loudly proclaim "Dude, quit scratching your (insert chosen offensive slang word here)" while pointing at the unholy offender. Equally shall this be done to all scratchers, disregarding genders. In penance, the Disgraced True Believer must cover his face with both hands and excuse him/herself to the nearest restroom to wash up like a civilized person. Then and only then shall the loving Noodles of the Holy One embrace him/her again.
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Postby Qwertyuiopasd on Mon Sep 19, 2005 6:58 pm

i do hope these won't be enforced. it could turn away many possible FSMers.
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Postby Disco on Mon Sep 19, 2005 7:08 pm

No one person may go without holding the sabbath day of Friday. Our noodly master does not only request this day of worship to be practised but demands it. The activities are to do the following in the place of worship ie: Couch, chair etc. 1) Do not get up 2) Avoid excercise like their is no tommorow. 3) Watch TV and eat your pasta.

You can add this to the Book of disco :D

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Postby Qwertyuiopasd on Mon Sep 19, 2005 7:42 pm

the five basic laws are
1. I am the Flying Spaghetti Monster and you will have no gods except me.
2. Every Friday is a holy day reserved for my worship alone. On that day you will eat of the holy spaghetti and drink the beer while wearing full pirate regalia and toil not in the unholy cubicle.
3. Don’t have sex with someone else’s spouse.
4. Try not to steal or kill unless it is really important.
5. Try to be nice to each other.


and don't tell me you've forgotten the most holy of rules
NEVER eat on a low-carb diet. punishment will be Thrity Lashings, three days of fasting followed by forcefeeding of high carb foods for a day. then you are deemed forgiven.
daftbeaker wrote:But if I stop bugging you I'll have to go back to arguing with Qwerty about whether beauty is truth and precisely what we both mean by 'purple' :moon:


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...

Postby Solipsy on Mon Sep 19, 2005 8:57 pm

Qwertyuiopasd wrote:i do hope these won't be enforced. it could turn away many possible FSMers.


Just like the Laws of the Old Testament (Leviticus, Deuteronomy) these are meant to be completely ignored, read for amusement, cherry-picked and/or taken completely out of context.
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...........

Postby Solipsy on Tue Sep 20, 2005 7:30 am

Auntie Dee Dee wrote:
Disco wrote: No one person may go without holding the sabbath day of Friday. Our noodly master does not only request this day of worship to be practised but demands it. The activities are to do the following in the place of worship ie: Couch, chair etc. 1) Do not get up 2) Avoid excercise like their is no tommorow. 3) Watch TV and eat your pasta.

You can add this to the Book of disco :D



Nitpicky me...sabbath is 7th day. Try holy day instead. The only ones who do an actual sabbath are Jews and 7th Day Adventists, anyway.

DD


Disco, May I add it to the compilation of Law, attributed as revealed to Disco, please? (as opposed to the Book of Disco, which we shall keep for more of your revealed testimony)

DD & Disco, I subscribe to DD's edit, and would like to change it to Holy Day.

One more nit to pick... Instead of "do the following in place of worship", I think what you meant, disco was, "The following activities are to be done as official worship:" Right? (Since the FSM demands worship, you wouldn't want to something in place of worship, which would mean "instead of worship")
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Postby Qwertyuiopasd on Tue Sep 20, 2005 5:58 pm

here's an imporatnt law:

Ne'er E'ER call Fearsome Pirate Pete "petey"


if'n ye don't get it, read the FPP thread
daftbeaker wrote:But if I stop bugging you I'll have to go back to arguing with Qwerty about whether beauty is truth and precisely what we both mean by 'purple' :moon:


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Re: ...........

Postby Disco on Tue Sep 20, 2005 6:20 pm

Solipsy wrote:
Auntie Dee Dee wrote:
Disco wrote: No one person may go without holding the sabbath day of Friday. Our noodly master does not only request this day of worship to be practised but demands it. The activities are to do the following in the place of worship ie: Couch, chair etc. 1) Do not get up 2) Avoid excercise like their is no tommorow. 3) Watch TV and eat your pasta.

You can add this to the Book of disco :D



Nitpicky me...sabbath is 7th day. Try holy day instead. The only ones who do an actual sabbath are Jews and 7th Day Adventists, anyway.

DD



Disco, May I add it to the compilation of Law, attributed as revealed to Disco, please? (as opposed to the Book of Disco, which we shall keep for more of your revealed testimony)

DD & Disco, I subscribe to DD's edit, and would like to change it to Holy Day.

One more nit to pick... Instead of "do the following in place of worship", I think what you meant, disco was, "The following activities are to be done as official worship:" Right? (Since the FSM demands worship, you wouldn't want to something in place of worship, which would mean "instead of worship")



You are soooooo Smrt! Go ahead, disco gives his welcomings!

Oh and I think you deserve the rank "Official Scribe'ess" :D
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Postby Qwertyuiopasd on Tue Sep 20, 2005 6:23 pm

um.... why did you just quote that stuff and make solisphy say something she actually didn't?
daftbeaker wrote:But if I stop bugging you I'll have to go back to arguing with Qwerty about whether beauty is truth and precisely what we both mean by 'purple' :moon:


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Postby Disco on Tue Sep 20, 2005 6:28 pm

Qwertyuiopasd wrote:um.... why did you just quote that stuff and make solisphy say something she actually didn't?


I screwed up ;shifty; its fixed now though XD
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Postby verbtea on Tue Sep 20, 2005 6:46 pm

Let us not forget these commandments:

    Thou shalt not consume "cheese" from a green cardboard can, nor shalt thou allow such cans into thy homes
    Limit Thy Portions, lest thou blow up to the size of my land-and-sea creature, the elephant-seal
    Thou shalt not consume Boy-Arrrrrrrrrr-Dee, for it is abomination unto Me
    Remember to cook
    thy pasta at a rolling boil just until tender, lest Thou offend me with waterlogged offerings
Think of the pastabilities...
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Postby Qwertyuiopasd on Tue Sep 20, 2005 9:11 pm

verbtea wrote:Limit Thy Portions, lest thou blow up to the size of my land-and-sea creature, the elephant-seal
[/list]


nar, we not be limiting our portions. he wishes us to eat as much as we can stuff inside of ourselves! so fat people the size of elephant-seals should be revered! its Atkins who sez fatness is bad. don't listen to him.

heey, that would mean Buhdda got was also touched in the FSM, in a manner.
daftbeaker wrote:But if I stop bugging you I'll have to go back to arguing with Qwerty about whether beauty is truth and precisely what we both mean by 'purple' :moon:


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Postby Disco on Tue Sep 20, 2005 11:07 pm

Qwertyuiopasd wrote:
verbtea wrote:Limit Thy Portions, lest thou blow up to the size of my land-and-sea creature, the elephant-seal
[/list]


nar, we not be limiting our portions. he wishes us to eat as much as we can stuff inside of ourselves! so fat people the size of elephant-seals should be revered! its Atkins who sez fatness is bad. don't listen to him.

heey, that would mean Buhdda got was also touched in the FSM, in a manner.


I do believe so! Buddah was an Atheist I believe.
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Postby Qwertyuiopasd on Wed Sep 21, 2005 5:40 pm

dosen't the story say he was this prince dude prophisied to become "buhdda" which means the enlightened, and teach cool stuff* to people. but his father wanted an heir, so he tried to keep him in the palace, where he would find no sufferenig or anything. but one day he apparently went AWOL, and saw people with diseases and stuff. so he left home and went off to seek enlightemtment. and he did. and he magiclaly got fat, fat with ENLIGHTEMENT! and its a hindu thing. i went to a hindu ... temple thing, and saw all the idols, and budda was there. along with my favorite, Ginish-Ja. or whatever his name is, the elephant dude.
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.............

Postby Solipsy on Wed Sep 21, 2005 11:05 pm

The eating of pets, the True Believer shall not do, for verily and with most seriousness shall it be held an abomination. Thou shall not eat of the hamster nor the gerbil, nor any other denizen of the Habitrail, neither of the cat nor its kittens, the dog nor its pups. Neither shall thou partake of the flesh of the parakeet nor the iguana nor the goldfish nor any fish of the tank or decorative pond, for it is an abomination unto his Holy Jiggling Appendages. Neither shall thee roast the flesh of pets from the store nor shelter, whether cuddly or annoying, for verily it is an abomination unto the Spaghetti Lord, and also of great repulsion to the sane.

Also it shall be held a deep abomination to partake of the flesh of the pets of thy neighbors, even if such pets do bark long and mightily throughout the night, disturbing the rest of the True Believer. Even if the pets of thy neighbors dig in thy yard and garden, or otherwise behave in ways which shall peeve thee, of them thou shall not eat. Thou shall not grind them and mix their flesh with bread crumbs nor rice nor oats nor tasty seasonings of any kind, for it is an abomination. Thou shall not bathe them in the sauces of any kind, nor shape them, thine own or thy neighbor’s, into rounded form. Thou shall not even consider them lowly unto the Atkins diet, for truly it is just plain sick. For the breaking of this most high and holy law, the True Believer must submit to years of serious Psychiatric Counseling and agree to take such legal medications as are prescribed by a professional physician.
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