Far fetched anecdotes of the sea.

[black bart]

Let us regale ourselves with outlandish tales of Lucky escapes and daring do's at sea.

Gather round me hearties, pull up a chair fore the hearth, grab a tankard o grog, light up yer pipe or spliff...and settle down to hear my tale...

...and shut the Tavern door ye lazy buggers!

Twere in the Summer of 74 when I was a lowly Ships Cook and we were a day out from Port o Spain. There were a cry of man over board and as I bent of the side to take a look and shouted 'who is it', the reply came: 'You - ye useless chef', and the next thing I knew I was in the water.

As I watched the ship sail off into the distance I realised I was in Shark infested waters. Terrified I felt for me trusty knife...there was a spoon in me left pocket...there was a can opener in me right pocket, but no knife!

Suddenly a terrifying beast appeared... it had a head as big as a boat and was covered with long, grey, shaggy bristles. This outlandish creature, the size of a whale but with the swiftness and ferocity of a shark came straight for me jaws gaping...

Quick as a cannon ball I reached inside the beasts mouth, grapped hold of it's tail and pulled it inside out! After climbing up the ribs I was able to use the carcass as a life raft and feast on it's flesh until I reached land and the fine wenches o the Caribean...

A true story me hearties...YYYYAARRRRRR!

[The Black Spot]

Arrr...

I remembers when I were a lookout on me first ship. "Land Ahoy", I shouted, and the Cap'n scratched 'is ead an said there were no land fer 'undreds o' miles. I pointed to the east, an the Cap'n raised his spyglass to 'is eye an spotted an island.

We sailed toward it, but never seemed to get any closer. Eventually, the Cap'n realised that the island be drifting away. It were floating! We plotted an intercept course, an reached the island at daybreak.

I were on the landin party. We tied the ship's anchor to a couple o' stout trees (t' stop it driftin away), and went to explore.

The island were huge! It were 4 miles long an 2 miles wide. Near the middle were a mountain, in the side o' which were a large cave.

As we explored the cave, we found strange writin' on the walls, an the floor were covered in chewed animal bones. The island must have drifted all o'er the world, for there were bones of elephants an tigers an polar bears an kangaroos.

Deeper into the cave, the strange writin on the wall changed an were becomin more like our own. Eventually we came to an arrow painted in blood. Next to it were the words "Warning! Stay Away!". The arrow pointed to a huge length o' chain.

All the men were feared that this be an ancient curse, but the Cap'n would have none o' it. 'Ee were convinced that there be treasure somewhere. With a mighty "Yaaaarrrr", the Cap'n pulled at the chain. There were a huge "Pop!" an a lump o' rubber some six feet across hit me in the chest.

Turned out that the Cap'n had pulled the plug out o' the island. The water rushed into the cave, but I were carried clear by the big rubber plug. The island sank, takin the ship an all the crew wi' it.

For six days an nights I were driftin' till I were eventually washed up in Portsmouth harbour.

May the Lord strike Bart dead if I be lying.

[black bart]

Well, blow the man down...that must be a True story because I'm still he....................

[black bart]

Here be another outlandish tale for ye...

The tale of the Prince and the Eye patches.

Once upon a time there lived a Prince who had a beautiful wife. Her only flaw was that she had but one eye. Over her missing eye she wore a Patch of purest black velvet and the Prince loved her dearly. Then one terrible day the princess died in an accident involving a Flying carpet and a low flying Paparazzi bird. The Prince's grief overfloweth - would he ever see her like again?

Fortunately for our Prince there was a Fakir in his kingdom with majical powers and he was able to conjure up a woman of unimaginable beauty. When the prince saw her he fell in love immediately and they were married. But the new princes had a secret - though she was identical in every way to the original princess - she had two good eyes. So to this day she wears a patch over one eye and the prince remains oblivious to the truth. Who can blame the prince for here is a picture of the two princesses - can you tell the difference?

http://homepage.mac.com/antonyroberts/. ... amilla.jpg

[walktheplank]

This be a true tale if me name's not Walk the Plank

I be a cabin boy on me first voyage after being discovered as a stowaway. Being the son of a priest was no fun I can tell you.

Anyways back to me tale, I was in the Cap'ns quarters at 2:00am when we heard a commotion outside. We rushed outside to have a look and discovered that a large object had fallen out of the sky and was floating on the sea next to our ship.

It did not look like any ship we had ever seen, anyways after a while a huge flap on its side opened up and these funny creatures came out. They were strange as they could fly and loads of them flew on to our ship.

They appeared friendly so our cap'n invited them to stay for stew and grog. He then summoned our apprentice chef a young ginger lad called Bart who served up his best Fish Head Stew.

At this point the creatures held their stomachs ran around in circles shrieking and then threw themselves into the sea never to be seen again. Their strange ship then made a huge noise and diasppeared into the sky.

So there ended our visit by the pirates from the sky and I as never seen them since.

[The Black Spot]

I remembers one night a few years ago.

It were an overcast, moonless night. Not even the stars were out to light our journey. Suddenly, the wind dropped an we were just driftin.

The air were still and hot. As the hours drifted past, the air got closer an closer, an hotter an hotter.

After what seemed an age, I called out t' me navigator "What time be it now?"

Wi' a tremblin voice, he said "Cap'n, it be two hours after sunrise, yet the sky still be black"

We were still floatin in the hot dark waters when I ordered a flare to be sent up. Light exploded round us, an I could see we were in a huge pink cavern. "Gawd preserve us!", I shouted. "We's bin swallowed by a whale!"

Desperate times need desperate remedies. I ordered that two barrels o' fish head stew be emptied over the side. Within a second or two we were vomited back into the ocean again.

This be the only time when a crew's bin happy to have fish head stew aboard its ship.

[Griffin]

Who can blame the prince for here is a picture of the two princesses - can you tell the difference?
http://homepage.mac.com/antonyroberts/. ... amilla.jpg

Yaaaaaaaaarr. I ken. One of em has ands. But I knows not witch.

[DaveL]

YArrrrrr...

Three years ago, I wuz stuck at a home at Portsmouth. Me ship 'ad been sunk and Oi's was reduced to scrapin' barnacles from ships hulls in order to 'earn a crust.'

One day, Oi saw an advertisement sayin' 'Adventueres Abroad Mon Ami'. So Oi staggered down to Madame Fifi's - which Oi'd never done before . Inside was a Legionnaire lookin' type who was wantin' some men with cut-throat experience, to which Oi wuz well accustomed.

We was hired by the French ter protect their fleets from the Corsairs, a dastardly bunch on the shores of Tunis. The problem was Oi had to cede me Captaincy to a Frenchman - Msr Theirry Henry-Zidane. He wuz a roight pain in the butt and Oi wuz gettin pretty fed up with 'is antics and 5 Star Michelin Chef Cooking.

After a sucessful couple of months, our ship wuz secretly boarded by the Corsairs and the entire crew was kidnapped into service by the Corsairs.
The Corsairs gave me a dow called 'The Arrr-chmed 9000' - a 20 gunner with real zip! Oi wuz now shootin' cannon balls at the Frogs.

One day, Oi came up against Msr Theirry Henry-Zidane. The Frogs had been stuck in a sea fog, and we snuck up to 'em real nice and quiet. Just as we were made visible, the crew started jumpin' ship. They were local lads from Portsmouth, press-ganged into service, screamin' sumthin' about garlic breath and eatin' snails.

The onboard cuisine and puffy leadership had taken it's toll on our local lads. We all became Corsairs in the end and it sure beat the pants of scrapin' barncles. Mr Zindane-Henry was sentenced to eatin' local cuisine, with the maximum penalty - eatin' Fishhead Stew for the next 10 years - that'll teach him ter feed us exotic continental dishes.

YArrrrrrrr...

[black bart]

The Tale of the Ugly sailor

Twere a thirsty afternoon in Falmouth and I dropped into a Tavern for some grog. As I surveyed the scurvy locals I noticed a tall man with the ugliest and most battered face I've ever set eyes on.

As I sipped me grog, a salty sea dog walks in and orders some ale and then orders a drink for Seaman Jones - for that was the name of the ugly specimin I'd spotted earlier. Another old salt came in and, after ordering his drink, buys a beer for Seaman Jones. This goes on all afternoon - every Jack tar what came in to the Tavern buys a drink for the ugly sailor!

Me curiosity over-came me and I asked the Landlord why it was that every man that came in bought a drink for that ugly sailor. 'Yaaarrr' sais the Landlord, 'that ugly sailor he be a hero in these parts.' 'A hero' sais I,'tell me more'. 'Weel' sais the Landlord, a few years ago there was a disaster at the local Fish Head Stew factory.' 'The roof caved in and Ugly Jones there held up the main roof beam whilst the other workers made their escape'.

Yarr, sais I, that be a fine upliftin tale...but tell me Landlord - why be Seaman Jones's face so ugly and battered?

'Aaaargh' sais the Landlord, 'that be where they bashed him into position with a Sledge hammer!'

[walktheplank]

twere a hot sticky afternoon and I be with me crew in an inn in Bristol drinking grog and making merry.

Anyways this huge great ruffian came in the inn dressed in full pirate rig and a bandana an says I will fight yer crew one at a time for 10 shillings a go and if anyone of yers beat me I's will give yer 10 guineas.

Anyway me first mate paid is 10 shillings and flew at the ruffian who took one step back and flattened im with a powerful blow. He then sat on is head for 10 seconds until e was dead, though strange as it may seem he died with a smile on is face.

After that me crew were reluctant to take on the varmint so I had to persuade them using me pistol. The same thing happened to all me crew, knocked out with one blow, then sitting on their head an then they all died with a smile on their face.

So there was only me left but before the fight started the varmint took off is bandana and took of is clothers at which point I realised that he was a she and her name were Brenda. In a big gruff voice, she said OK Plank it be yer turn now and I's got summat special for yous.

At this point the memory goes blurred and next thing I remember is waking up in me quarters screaming and hollering, realising twas a dream after all.

[The Black Spot]

We were sailin in the South Pacific, when I spied an island where we could heave-to so as to replenish our supplies.

The island's natives were a fierce bunch, but after a couple o' skirmishes we gave each other a grudgin' respect an tended t' get along OK.

The natives were cannibals an headhunters, but that didn't concern us - after all, we all has some bad habits. Anyways, the witch doctor had a hut that were full o' shrunken heads. Me first mate wanted one as a souvenir, so 'ee thought 'eed ask the witch doctor if 'ee could spare one.

'Ee walks into the witch doctor's hut an sez "Hello. Can you give me a shrunken head please".

Never could find a bandana t' fit him after that.

[black bart]

The Legend of 'The Grog Vampyre'.

Once upon a time the coastal villages of Cornwall were plagued by a terrible beast that roamed at night. The creature's approach was always preceded by the sound of drunken Sea Shanties and it left a trail of beer vouchures where ere it went. There was a terrible slurping noise as it stole all the grog from the village inns and more drunken singing as it staggered back to the sea, satiated with grog!

Then one day a local fisherman, who'd had enough of the beasts antics, decided to try to save the village grog supply. As he sat at the Inn late one night the wailing of Sea Shanties came wafting in from the foggy night. The terrified villagers ran down to the cellar to hide. But the fisherman stayed at his seat, refusing to leave his grog.

The door of the Inn burst open and in lurched a terrifying creature. It looked like the Captain of the Titanic had returned from the deep - pale, flat capped and slavering for grog! 'Where's the drink' demanded the terrifying being - 'Captain Cronan will have his Grog!'

The fisherman quailed in his seat - he also quailed in his underpants - but he was not deterred from his cunning plan. 'Oh terrible creature' said the fisherman, 'afore ye kill me and drink the grog, will ye try this fine ale which we have been saving for Christmas?' With trembling hands the fisherman held out a cask brimming with liquor and bearing a label which read - Tesco's Finest Belgian Ale.

In one movement the beast grabbed the cask and drained the contents. Covering his eyes in terror the fisherman peeped out to see the creature drop the cask and clutch at it's throat; awful gurgling noises came from the creature's mouth, its eyes turned red and steam poured from its nose and ears. The creature gave a last blood curdling cry and ran out into the foggy night - never to be heard of again.

When the villagers came nervously back up from the cellar, they were amazed to see the fisherman still sitting there, sipping his well earned grog. The cask of special ale was on the table and the fisherman carfully peeled off the label to reveal another label beneath which read of course -'Fish Head Stew'!

[walktheplank]

how you be Bart yer tale reminds me of the days b'fore I was a Pirate Cap'n

In the days b'fore I get meself a ship. I be crewing for this varmint who used to sail to Africa and take the locals away for a better life in the Americas. Trouble was, this was after the Government had made taking slaves illegal. So there we be with a full cargo sliding down the Gold Coast keeping a wary eye on Navy Frigates.

Anyways this particular day our luck runs out after we spotted a ship on our tail. We turned down a river which was so narrow that we ran aground. The navy ship then found and boarded us and captured all our crew. They then turned all of our slaves free but just as we were thinking we be looking at the hangman's noose there be a loud noise from the jungle and loads of tribesmen attacked the navy ship and all their crew and ours were killed and then eaten. However, the local tribal queen who made Brenda look tiny liked the look of me so I was not killed but was captured and spent many exhausting years in her tribal village.

So how did I escape you be thinking, well several tiring years later a young Pirate Cap'n was also captured but he gave the tribe his local recipe which involved catching a fish, chopping off its head and mixing it up with some disgusting mush. All of the tribe then died a long lingering death and I was given free passage back to England with this Pirate Cap'n. Strange to say I was a bit undernourished when I gets back to Bristol as dinner on is ship did not appeal to me.

Strange thing be, this young Pirate Cap'n he be mighty familiar but is name does not come to mind.

[black bart]

I actually found this on a Pirate Story website! I remember the incident well of course!

Captain Bartholomew Roberts and the Unfortunate Sea-Cook!

Captain Bartholomew Roberts was taking on extra crew for a voyage to West Africa. He liked to recruit personally and was sat at a small desk on the quayside at Port Royal, Jamaica. He was questioning a fifty-year old sea cook who had a wooden leg, an eye patch and a hook at the end of his left arm.
“So how did you lose your leg?â€￾ he asked the old salt. “We was sailin’ round the Horn in a great swell and I fell overboard. A shark ‘ad me leg before me mates hauled me out of the water!â€￾

“I seeâ€￾, said Roberts, “and what about your hand?â€￾ he pointed to the hook. “â€￾We was attackin’ a merchantman – pistols a-blazin’, swords a-swingin’ and blow me if one of me own didn’t cut me ‘and off by accident!â€￾

“Well that was unfortunate. Tell me how did you manage to lose an eye?â€￾ asked an amused Roberts. “It was a seagull droppin’ that caused that sirâ€￾, said the sailor, almost apologetically. “A seagull dropping caused you to lose an eye? That’s amazing!â€￾ said the captain.

“Aye, well it was me first day with the hook!â€￾ answered the unfortunate man.

[The Black Spot]

The Terror of the Werefish.

Back when I was still a deckhand, I were witness to a most ghastly episode.

It were midnight, and I were doin' me watch in the crowsnest. It were a clear night an the full moon be shinin' across the ocean. I hears a noise from the deck far below, so I looks down an sees "Fry Up" Murphy staggerin across the deck claspin a tankard o' rum to 'is chest.

I were about t' shout "ahoy" to 'im when I sees something moving near the prow. It were a dark, humped shape, an it slithered across the deck toward Murphy. Suddenly, it reared up, an in the moonlight I could make out a huge mouth full o' razor sharp teeth. I raised the alarm, but before anyone could do anything, the creature 'ad bitten ol' Fry-Up in half, an were slippin back into the ocean.

All the crew were frightened stiff, but the Cap'n gritted 'is teeth an said that 'ee would double the guard the next night.

The next night the full moon shone again. I were off duty that night, but I remembers hearing a terrible scream, an runnin on deck wi' the others. All we found were a red smear on the deck, an a huge bite mark on the port rail. The two guards hadn't even had time to get a shot off before the creature were upon them.

The next night, the Cap'n ordered three cannons to be brought up to the main deck. We positioned 'em up by the stern, an waited fer darkness to fall.

Presently, we hears a noise. A great grey thing like an oilskin sack wi' teeth were rushin' toward us. The Cap'n yelled "fire" an 3 six-pounders fired at the beast.

There were an unearthly screech, an the thing plunged o'er the side into the waters.

Next day, Harry the Peg said that summit strange had 'appened. The porthole to 'is cabin 'ad been pushed inwards as if some great beast 'ad forced its way in. There were no signs of anything leavin, but 'is goldfish were missin a fin, an had traces o' powder burn on it.

The Cap'n took no chances, and flushed it down the toilet. We were ne'er troubled by the creature again.