Dear Auntie Blackbeard... Yer piratical problems solved here

[beagle]

I 'as a friend who thinks he might have developed a small case of woodworm in 'is wooden leg, and was wundrin if anyone had any advice fer me, I means him.


edited: 19-Oct-Year of our Noodly Lord 2005
Title changed

[DaveL]

Yarrr...

Ey'd be checkin out those paralympian legs Matey. There be some made of carbon fibre or aluminium. Might be a good replacement considerin the dwindlin timber supply. Arrrr...

However if ye are peckish, the old woodworms be full o'protein. They be a great supplement if ye be body buildin'. Ey normally grab a hand full of woodworms after ey've done me weight session and me pilates classes at the gym.

I'm now wearing one of those cut away t-shirts that Sly Stallone wuz wearing in Rambo.

Yarrrrr...

[beagle]

I (I mean he) was thinkin of replacin it with one based on a pogo stick (when ey be invented) so he could bound from ship to ship.

The trouble with the woodworm be when he stands in one place too long. It eats through the deck and he plummets into the bilge.

[The Black Spot]

Has ye (I mean yer shipmate) thought of fashioning ye leg out of a blunderbus? Then, ye need simply cock yer leg to give the enemy a pirate's welcome. On the downside, ye might strap it on upside down after a night on the grog.

[beagle]

Arrr, I's a bit worried about damaging the ramrod. I was thinking of having one of those universal connector type legs. Yer could 'ave a cutlass, garden rake, blunderbus, vegetable chopper or snooker cue plugged in according to what you were needing best at the time, only problem being changing them in a hurry.

Yarr....

[DaveL]

Yarrrrr...

Ye could have one of those sticky attachments for climbin up the main sail.
Or ye could adapt it for loadin' the cannons during a fight with the kings navy.

Also ey be wunderin if ye can have a hook for yer arm, why not yer leg?
Buggered if ey know what ye could do with a hook leg though!

[beagle]

Yer's replace yer gravity boots with it matey:

http://www.fitness-superstore.co.uk/product_info_new.asp?prdID=2851

Save's money on hammocks. The crew might think yer's having Batman fantasies though.

[The Black Spot]

Arr...

puts me in a mind about the Swiss Army hook I tried once. 47 attachments it be having. There were 6 types o' hook, a cutlass, machete, gutting knife, throat slitter, pliers and a blowtorch.

Unfortunately, I's be losing it when I dropped it. It smashed it way through six decks that some swab had infested wi' woodworm.

[beagle]

Yer's had me chokin on me rum with that one matey, and me crewmates eyeing me strangely (nuffin new there).

[black bart]

I was hoping this be the discussion for personal problems such as what are dealt with by those Agony Aunties ye sometimes hear about on the streets of Portsmouth. I was gonna write in all anonimouse like saying something like:

Dear Aunty,
I has a friend what fancies his cabin boy but he be too coy like to approach the subject directly. This friend of mine also as a penchant for wearing a oomans undies beneath his Pirate Attire. If the men should ever find out this friend of mine would likely get marooned on Canvey Island.

What should I do dear Aunty?

[beagle]

No worries. Send yerself (I mean 'im) to join me crew. Here at the port of Cambridge, Kinsey scores of exactly 0 are rarer than mermaids' toes and we'll hardly notice. An if he be speakin Russian I may have a little job for 'im.

http://www.mi6.gov.uk/output/Page4.html

[black bart]

No worries.

AAArrrHHHAAArrr me hearty ye been a drinkin at too many Antipodean establishments and ye be a taken on the speach of them what were transported from this ere promised land of England to the far distant shores of Van Diemans Dunny.

[beagle]

He not be rising to yer bait matey, Or he be trainin vicious killer roos in cutlass work.

[amenabletopasta]

Arrr! This be a lovely piratey sharin’ experience...

Oi be ‘aving a ship-mate, let’s be calling ‘im "I", who be needing Aunty’s assistance. Lately, I ‘as been ‘aving trouble getting ‘is parrot excited. It used t’ be the case that in order to start the parrot a-squawkin’ and a flappin’ I would just ‘ave to act bawdy, slice somebody with ‘is cutlass or sing some sea shanties. But nowadays that don’t be enough – nothin’ I does seems t’ excite the parrot. Now I’s getting worried that maybe the parrot ‘as lost interest and be wanting to sit atop another pirate’s shoulder. Avast, dear Aunty, what can I do?

[DaveL]

Good idea laddies. Ey've been lobbyin for a pirate agony aunt as well. There's just so many stories of hard luck in the pirate world. And I think we should have a sticky for postin' all our problems.

I personally have a bucket load of problems to share with yers, bein' as disturbed as I am. However ey'll save it for later. Happy to help yers all as well.

C'mon Mods we be needin a sticky! YARRR!