GOSPELS

[Solipsy]

lovin' the midgits midgets mini prequel whole thing.... Keep up the creativity, youse guys... folks... peoples.... Pastafarians....

[Solipsy]

The True and Wonderous Story of How Was Delivered Unto Auntie Dee Dee the Most High and Holy Prayer:
As was recounted to Solipsy, Humble GalleyScribe

And The Flying Spaghetti Monster did come unto Dee Dee waiting at the front of Fred's Italian Corner, for she was hungry and her wait did seem to be unending, and he filled her with His Heavenly Smells, and unto her He did speak:
“My True Believer and most excellent Administrator, My keeper of the knowledge that All is My Creation, and as much as any creationism is to be taught as science, My Creation is to be taught as science, I ask of you this: Carry to My True Believers these instructions, that when they give thanks for the Holy Feast, they shall remember and pray these words…

Our One Creator Which Flies and is Spaghetti and a Monster,

• I believe Thou art the Creator of Goodness and Nourishment, and of Sustenance. I thank the Pasta, and the Sauce, and the Meatballs, for they provide me all my needs.
• I thank Thee for the Many Beverages that Thou provides, for they engender true fellowship, and I will quaff them heartily, be they Beer, or Wine, or Sweet Iced Tea (in the South), or even Milk or Kool-Aid, for it is not good to withhold fluids, and I need to take care of my Body, as Beneficiary of Thine Holy Goodness.
• I thank Thee for the giving of healthful Green Salad, the Yummy Garlic Bread, and the Blessed Cheese for the top of my Spaghetti, and also I am most thankful that If I eat All my Dinner, a Dessert of Extreme Chocolateness will surely follow, preferably Dark Chocolate, for it is Good.
• I believe that Thou are neither Male, nor Female, but are instead beyond the reaches of the gender confusion of Man and Woman Kind, yea, thou are ageless, timeless and all-encompassing.
• I most humbly thank Thee, oh Noodly Appendaged One, for Touching me with the mental capacity to adapt the mythologies of This Universe to aid and comfort me here, until that day I am able to join together with my Pastafarian Brothers and Sisters at the foot of the Beer Volcano, and enumerate my specifications at the Stripper Factory, so that happiness and contentedness and good cheer be present for all, forever and forever,

RAmen.

And then the Flying Spaghetti Monster did sigh, for His Child Dee Dee did occasionally take it upon herself to embellish, and He laughed a jiggly laugh, for it was not He who specified the darkness of the chocolate in the dessert, nor that it be chocolate at all. He did tickle Dee Dee with his Appendages, and she did promise to confess to all that Our Lord Glob doth approve all sweet desserts, as long as the True Believer hath wasted not the Holy Meal.

[piratepriestess]

This is based a little bit more on the big bang theory- but there is sacrificing, which is always a good basis for setting up holidays. I think it would be a good idea to celebrate the three great sacrifices (see below) during major Christian holidays in order to ease their adaptation to FSM. The first one could be on Halloween, Halloween being a major holiday due to the miraculous increase of pirates on that day. The last two on Christmas and Easter.
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At not quite the beginning, but just a little thereafter, He evaluated the consistency of His "universe", and found it lacking. And so He said unto the great void, "this needs a little something". At the core of the void he placed a round mass made of flesh bound by bread, embryonic ooze, and the Herbs of Flavor and Aroma. He had taken the mass from His own being and placed it at the ultimate center of the void and named the mass the Meatball of Universal Centricity. Within his being remained two other Meatballs known as the Meatball of the Left and the Meatball of the Right. He sacrificed of His divine self in order to bring stability and a foundation to the void, on which to build the world and the existence of humankind. This was only the first part of His great sacrifice.

After the Meatball of Centricity became unto itself a separate being, He surrounded it with a red organic matter which He named Sauce. The Sauce swirled around the core in a great wave of energy. The Sauce was also of his own being and was bound by the Herbs of Flavor and Aroma, as well as oil of the olive, the most peaceful of fruit branches. Suddenly from the swirling Sauce shot a fiery ball of oil, landing in a distant part of the void. The Oil Star brought warmth and light to the void, forever to keep the Meatball and Sauce warmed up. To even the warmth and maintain harmony, He began the rotation of the Meatball of Universal Centricity around the Oil Star.

And then he looked upon His creation with joy and said unto himself, "and now for the big finish!". A great light began to shine from within Him, and His eyes closed in meditation. His noodly appendages became erect with a great force and began to spin at miraculous speeds. From His spinning noodly appendages came forth the pasta that makes up the lands and seas, mountains and valleys, flora and fauna, and all the creatures of the earth.

Of the creations he included those that make up his own existence, grain, tomatoes, herbs, bovine, chickens and their eggs, and olives. Then he created humankind to mix the ingredients in his image. And this established the great circle of life, from His complete self comes the elements of His being, from the elements of His being come the sustenance and nourishment of humankind.

The three great sacrifices are known as....
1. Meatball of Universal Centricity
2. Primordial Sauce
3. Erection of the Noodly Appendages

[Solipsy]

And so it came to pass that the copying and the pasting of the posting of the writing, as it did appear thus far in this thread, was done. And the FSM looked down, and His Great Noodly Appendages did quiver with saucy delight. And he did proclaimeth: "Cool. So Far, So Good." Thus spake Our Lord in Marinara.

It was proclaimed throughout that Boards of His Holy Discussion that the Divinely Inspired Writing should not cease, but rather should continue, for to Him, it is most pleasing. And yea, His humble galleyscribe Solipsy did toss and turn upon the seas of the keyboard at all unreasonable hours, and did gather the writings of the inspired, and did organize them and nit-pick them, but not without permission, and did seek to credit them, and will be in touch with the writers of them if any questions ariseth, and doth encourage said writers for to do the same.

Thus did the proclamation end.

[Sir Talos]

The Gospel According to Sir Talos:

1 In those days a battle raged between His esteemed followers and the faithless proponents of blind reason. The people of the world laughed, saying, "Man created by chance? We are far too complex!" But the infidels were stubborn and clung to their puny "logic" and "theories" for some time. 2 One morning, as the battle raged around him, a priest found a pocket watch on the beach near his abby. This new evidence single handedly proved that a divine intelligence had created the universe. And the evolutionists were defeated momentarily, but the war had only just begun. 3 Even the strongest evidence had failed to quiet the heathens and another battle was inevitable. This time the battle lines were drawn in the most hallowed halls of higher education and academia, high school biology classes. This battle was the most fierce of them all and attrition was wearing both sides down to their cores. 4 It was then that science saw the opportunity to strike a fatal blow and it looked bleak for the faithful believers. When lo and behold, His Holy Noodly Appendage rescued us from certain doom: bannishment from public schools. 5 The wise disciples of our Saucy Lord came forth in the heart of our school systems to re-establish our foot hold. They would not be detered by those that would try to bannish our Lord and they began to grow and multiply as they were blessed by His Noodly Appendage. "Our theory deserves equal time" is what they said but as we know our theory deserves all of the time as it is the one and true way.

This is the word of our Saucy Lord according to the Gospel,

R'Amen

[Sinoda]

Well then: The Gospel According to Sinoda:


Long ago, in a galaxy far, far away....

Well, actually, it was just last year. And it was just a few hundred miles West from Massachussets. But it was a chaotic time, when Man sued Man, Scientist fought Priest, and College Students had big parties. This Gospel tells the story of a young scientist, who in his aggravation at priests, considered the possibility of there being no god. When returning to his apartment to go to bed, a pile of dirty clothes suddenly took Life, and started jumping around, and the like. The clothes slowly rose in the air, and two of those "folded" socks (You know the type, sort of stffed into each other.. I find them kind of annoying, I mean, you have to pull them out and stuff. I don't see why you can't just fold them...) were gravitated to the clump. The clump then caught on fire, and burnted down to reveal His Noodlyness, the Flying Spaghetti Monster. And He said to our Prophet, "I am all that there is. I created the Universe in my image, and am the True God." "I have come during these times of Heresy and science to warn you, Bobby Henderson" "The School Board of Kansas plans on teaching theories of so called 'Intelligent Design' except the one True Faith. Us. We must gain a name for Ourselves, and if we must Sue the School Board... Then so be it." "You must gain as many followers as possible, as Heaven is really boring when no one can go to the Good Parts." Bobby, awestruck that there really was a God, Heaven, and that he now had to buy more clothes, responded "Tell me Oh Noodly One, what lies in your Great Paradise?" The FSM then told him of the great joy, originality, and a bunch of other words that haven't been invented yet. All these wonderful things were so mind-numbingly amazing, Bobby only remembered that there was a Beer Volcano and a Stripper Factory. After this visit, Bobby went out to buy more clothes, then immediately wrote what we know as The Open Letter.

[Qwertyuiopasd]

well... Bobby's no scientist. I'm pretty sure he's still unemployed.

[Qwertyuiopasd]

oh... I thought he was majoring in something else. like, pirate ship enginerring or something. oh well.

[Poincare's Stepchild]

From the First Book of Pasta, Chapter 1...

1 In the beginning was pasta. And pasta was the Flying Spaghetti Monster. And the Flying Spaghetti Monster made the Earth, and saw that it looked like a meatball. And the Flying Spaghetti Monster said that it was good.

2 And then the Flying Spaghetti Monster formed a midgit from spaghetti sauce, and placed him at the base of a mountain, among the trees. And the Flying Spaghetti Monster saw the midgit, and said that it was good.

3 But in those days there were no pirates, and it was hot. And the midgit begged of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, "Please, make some pirates, so that I might be cool." And so the Flying Spaghetti Monster made it so, and the world was cooler. And the Flying Spaghetti Monster said that it was good.




From the Book of Macaroni, Chapter 12...

17 He that believeth in the Flying Spaghetti Monster shall never die of thirst, but have everlasting beer.

Ramen

[Platypus Enthusiast]

It's been a while since the last post and the Second Council of Olive Garden would like to bring this thread back to everyone's attention in order to collect more delicious scripture for the Loose Canon. So please keep writing Gospels in order to please our Noodly Master.

[Mad Willyum Bonney]

... and it came to pass that Capt. Dan did give to Mad Will a tome he called a Lexicon and Mad Will did inquire , " Who be Lex E. Con ? " , and lo , Capt. Dan replied , " Oi dunno , a brudda ove Dick , Shawn , Harry ? "

Thus enlightened , thee pirates passed out thee tome to their fellows for they were sorely lacking rolling and toilet papyrus .

[Tigger_the_Wing]

And some young cabin boys were passing what little leisure time they had in pursuit of that favourite subject of small boys everywhere* when one asked, "Which was the most important dinosaur of them all?"

All the cabin boys argued amongst themselves, forming factions of Herbivore and Carnivore, and each of those unable to agree on which particular animal was greatest. Ankylosaurus? Tyrannosaurus? Lambeosaurus? Xenotarsosaurus? Fabrosaurus? Zephyrosaurus? Quaesitosaurus?

Well, their break time was coming to an end and the matter had still not been resolved, so they took their argument to the Cap'n.

Interrupting only to clip each one around the ear he listened to their arguments.

And in his noodly-inspired wisdom settled the argument thusly:

"Why, THEsaurus, of course."

Chastened, the lads agreed with their Cap'n and returned to their lowly duties.

*dinosaurs. Duh.

[Platypus Enthusiast]

This is a checkpoint for the compilation purposes of the Second Council of Olive Garden. Please ignore and go about your business.

[Defender of thefaith]

Dont know if this is in the right place but me and a friend have been working on this one for a few days

The Tale of Pastafaria

The year was 1722 the skies were a foul blackish colour that withheld the glow of the sun, in the vast expanse of the Atlantic ocean sailed the Royal fortune commanded by the benevolent Bartholomew Roberts aided by his first mate Calvin the younger and the second mate Ciaran the great pasta chef.

They had been sailing in hope of discovering a new cove of which they could celebrate the glory of being safe from the evil Royal Navy, a place were they could drink Rum and plunder the booty of many a wench! these were the promises the captain gave, but unfortunately the evil reverend Kapil Dev had other ideas, to create a new christian nation were beer would be banned and the wenches would be forced to wear clothes of a dignifying manner. Bartholomew's plans inspired Kapil Dev to assemble the most dastardly pirates on the Ivory coast prior to the voyage. On the night before St Bobby's day the foul intentioned reverend rose from the bowels of the ship with his scoundrels in an attempt to capture the ship! The Captain and his men fought vigorously but were ultimately defeated by the evil no good stinking reverend.

The Captain and his mates were hoisted up onto the main mast were they were so viciously ridiculed and bullied, the reverend ordered his men to simmer down, "the almighty lord god demands the souls of those who do not wish to believe in god for they pose a threat some how to his holiness the popes dog!" his men cheered out of kindness as his speech made no sense whatsoever. "im sorry good captain but you must be purged!" the reverend took out his pistol and popped one into Bartholomews head killing him instantly. The two mates clasped there hands together praying to the almighty FSM of whom they were the only devout followers on the ship. there prayers quickened in panic as the reverend loaded a second round. Time seemed to slow as a bright light intruded on the ship, a vast portal opened up above the main mast somehow causing huge whirlpools to form around the ship; the disgraced reverend stumbled around the ship like an alcoholic until he collapsed underneath the portal.

The whirlpools began to subside and were replaced by a distant belch, the portal began to flicker until it discharged a truly vast amount of pasta which crushed the blasphemous reverend, the no good ivory coast traitors stood back in horror as the pasta began to stir, two meatballs the size of Pavarotti forced there way past the entangled pasta, two eyes that rested upon stalks of spaghetti rose from with in the pasta mound and six noodley appendages slithered out from the sides of the mound, it glared angrily at the pirates as it rose up from the ship, the FSM took control of the two swinging Pastafarians using them as his own voice "Fy meibion yr wyf yn hynod siomedig!" the Pirates were puzzled, the FSM's look of anger turned into panic as he realized that the humans had not yet been blessed with the Welsh language as scrabble had not been invented.

The FSM quickly changed his language setting to English " My sons I am disappointing in all of you! you were promised a pirate haven and if you'd have waited one more minute you would have seen the master creation I had planned to gift you with for ST Bobby's day!" The pirates glanced to the ships bow to see the silhouette of an island of vast proportions. The FSM spoke once more "now my children play nicely and follow the commands of your new captain" the FSM dropped the two mates and disappeared to feast on the soul of a passing Budweiser.

The Pirates landed on the mystical Island were they were greeted by a horde of beautiful wenches dressed in skimpy clothing. The Non believing Pirates instantly changed there Facebook status's to Pastafarian. For weeks the Pastafarians "partied" with there wenches until there funds for beer and rum ran out. Something had to be done but what? The newly instated Captain Calvin set out into the deepest parts of the island searching for a sustainable source of income. For weeks he ventured until the Pastafarians left behind in Porto di Pasta began to worry as the Rum supplies grew ever so low. the days past until the captain arrived with a sack of bananas! The pirates cheered as they began to export them making infinite amounts of doubloons!

So it seemed that Pastafaria would be a utopia, that is until the Royal navy discovered it.

Twas a sunny day, the Pirates lazed in the sun nomming down the one of five a day of pasta when on the horizon appeared the ships of the royal navy! The call to arms was given and the pirates boarded there ships, a mile out to sea they fought against the Royal Navy but with little success, the precision gunnery of the Royal navy overpowered the pirates causing them to flee back to the island. The Royal navy sent its marines onto the shore were they fought the mighty buccaneers on the beaches. Meanwhile in the center of the island Cpt Calvin met with the FSM in the mountain they called "volcano" " FSM do not allow these nasty badmen to take our precious island send forth a flood of pasta or a giant stripper to aid us" Begged the captain; the FSM thought long and hard but ultimately couldn't be bothered to create a giant stripper and so caused volcano to erupt sending boiling hot lava all over the island, the inhabitants were killed instantly and the sheer weight of the lava caused the island to capsize and sink to the depths of the ocean.

The Royal Navy slightly disturbed by the event decided to invade France.

The moral of the story is to not ask the FSM to help repel invaders as his solutions often involve volcanoes for example Willie Walsh asked his holiness to stop the BA strikes look at what happened! Instead ask a policeman the results tend to benefit everyone....occasionally

I admit it aint that good but what can I say we was rushed as we heard the deadline was today :S unreadyness plus i subbed biology revision in the hope that the FSM would be pleased by my efforts

[Platypus Enthusiast]

hey Defender, it had some good parts (the facebook status part made me lol), but i dunno bout the whole pastafarian-christian fight. we try not to flat out bash them like that, and usually we aim for more low-key satire.

keep in mind the Loose Canon that's coming out is just the first edition, and if you want, you can take your time with it and jazz it up for the second edition