Roy Hunter wrote:Member of Parliament Business Lunch (On Expenses Only).
First you need to get access to a Member of Parliament. Offering to clean their moat for £2,000 + VAT quite often works; or else you can look up the address of one of their many second homes. MPs are notoriously greedy and most of them like a drink, so pretending that you've got some rum helps to get you in the front door.
Once you get hold of your MP, it's worth seeing if they have got any money in their pockets first. MPs get about £400 per month lunch money on top of their £5,398 per month salary, and they've got nothing to spend it on since they seem to claim everything they need on expenses. If the MP's husband or wife is also an MP, make sure you check their pockets too. As well as their other second home.
You need to kill the MP now. They may protest a bit about being killed, but if you assure them that you have been told that you are acting within the rules; that you've done nothing wrong; and that the system is to blame, they can't possibly object, can they? It does not really matter how you kill the MP, but do bear in mind that the vast majority of them are full of shit. Strangling them is clean and efficient. And fun.
Now that the MP is dead, take their platinum credit card and the key to their Range Rover, collect the rest of your crew, and go and have a jolly good lunch at Clos Maggiore, Launceton Place, or the Boxwood Cafe, and claim it back on their expenses.
A nice variation to this recipe is this one sent in by PM Gordon Brown:
For this recipe you will need:
A very quick gettaway car and an alibi
An open fire
A huge pile of MP's receipts/porn/second home deeds etc
Simply throw the lot onto the fire and run like hell
Call Lord Mandelson when you get safely away and tell him 'Supper's Ready'.
The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.