"GENESIS"/HISTORY

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Re: "GENESIS"/HISTORY

Postby DaveL on Sat Apr 04, 2009 3:58 pm

Awesome PE!

Not only is it Canon worthy, it's sentences are numbered perfectly.
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Re: "GENESIS"/HISTORY

Postby Nef Yoo BlackBeard on Sat Apr 04, 2009 7:50 pm

...an gettee musturd sayd' ow vey !da dreed feersum NEFYUBB! "ya be knat mijjit!
n so
an so
rrrrrrr
Am so da ledjun ove nefyubb be is!
An tha musturd sayd
go an fine sum cheez!

An loan behole
i getid me furst comanmint.

H"okay den wot kinda cheez?

"Swiss"!

wot? i sayd.

juss get sum wiff da wee holes innun',he sayd.
an so nfyubb wint ta fine dis Holy Cheez wiff da help ove da pirits lik Farty , juss becos i muss bovver widim an ...den ...
cabin boy fir hyer. jyint hat no hextra charj.
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Re: "GENESIS"/HISTORY

Postby Platypus Enthusiast on Sat Apr 04, 2009 9:04 pm

DaveL wrote:Awesome PE!

Not only is it Canon worthy, it's sentences are numbered perfectly.


lol, thanks dude.


Nef Yoo BlackBeard wrote:...an gettee musturd sayd' ow vey !da dreed feersum NEFYUBB! "ya be knat mijjit!
n so
an so
rrrrrrr
Am so da ledjun ove nefyubb be is!
An tha musturd sayd
go an fine sum cheez!

An loan behole
i getid me furst comanmint.

H"okay den wot kinda cheez?

"Swiss"!

wot? i sayd.

juss get sum wiff da wee holes innun',he sayd.
an so nfyubb wint ta fine dis Holy Cheez wiff da help ove da pirits lik Farty , juss becos i muss bovver widim an ...den ...


I'm actually considering sticking this in the Canon, little boy, for sh*ts and giggles.
Check out an official Pastafarian holy book, the Loose Canon: http://loose-canon.fsm-consortium.com/the-loose-canon/

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-ProvHerbs 3:35
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Re: "GENESIS"/HISTORY

Postby Platypus Enthusiast on Thu Jan 14, 2010 1:32 am

This is a checkpoint for the compilation purposes of the Second Council of Olive Garden. Please ignore and go about your business.
Check out an official Pastafarian holy book, the Loose Canon: http://loose-canon.fsm-consortium.com/the-loose-canon/

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-ProvHerbs 3:35
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Re: "GENESIS"/HISTORY

Postby Platypus Enthusiast on Fri May 21, 2010 2:17 pm

The Torahtellini Part 2

Chapter 1
1 It is written, back in the ancient days, the Flying Spaghetti Monster enjoyed drinking with his human buddy, Abe. 2 One night, Abe told the FSM he had to get up early in the morning and couldn’t hang out with Him all night. 3 The FSM, who had had a few too many beers, was depressed and weepy. 4 He said to Abe, “You’re such a douche. 5 What am I supposed to do the rest of the night?”
6 “Dude, we’ll chill tomorrow. 7 It’s no biggie,” said Abe.
8 “No dude, it’s not just this. 9 You’ve really been a crappy friend lately.”
10 “Well I got a family now. 11 I got responsibilities. 12 I can’t always screw around and drink with you all the time.”
13 “Screw that man. 14 I’m your god. 15 You need to prove your loyalty to me.”
16 “Ok, that’s fair. 17 What do you want me to do?”
18 “Kill your son.”
19 “No way man. 20 I can’t.”
21 “Do it.”
22 “Dude, it’s…”
23 “Do it,” the FSM interrupted.
24 “Really?”
25 “Yeah dude, you gotta listen to me. 26 I’m your god.”
27 “Alright,” Abe said sheepishly.
28 “Ahhhh, you got punk’d! 29 I wouldn’t make you do that. 30 Aww, you shoulda seen your face when I said that.”
31 “Yeah…”
32 “Instead, you gotta chop off the tip of your dick.”
33 Abe laughed, “You’re not getting me this time.”
34 The FSM giggled and took a drink. 35 “Nope, totally cereal. 36 It’s like the 5th Commandment: Thy Noodle shall not be bigger than Mine.”
37 “But we don’t have Commandments,” Abe protested.
38 “Shh.”
39 “Ok, fine.”
40 And so Abe circumcised himself. 41 The next day, after miraculously curing His hangover, the FSM remembered the shit He pulled the night before and gave Abe a call. 42 “Hey dude, sorry bout the shit I pulled last night.”
43 “It’s cool,” Abe said, “You were pretty wasted.”
44 “Yeah, well to make up for it, I decided to give you and your descendents your own land.”
45 “Aww sweet dude. 46 I’ve actually had my eye on Canaan.”
47 “No dude, there’s already people living there. 48 What would you do, kill them all?”
49 “Uh…”
50 “No, your Promised Land will be the sea. 51 And you get the whole thing, but only on the condition that you and your descendents are pirates. 52 I like pirates. 53 Cool?
54 “Yeah man, it’s a deal.”
55 And so the Pastament was made.

Chapter 2
1 Generations later, due to a series of mishaps, Abe’s descendents had not yet made it to the Promised Land…
2 Pirate Mosey had just finished telling his pirate crew about the eight “I’d Really Rather You Didn’ts” (*see The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster*). 3 The FSM had another word with Mosey, which was pretty sweet (*see the Book of Piraticus*). 4 They finally left Mount Salsa and continued their journey to the Promised Land.
5 They milled around for years trying to find the sea. 6 Mosey tried convincing them that if they just walked in a straight line, they’d eventually hit the shore. 7 But his crew would frequently grow impatient and insist that they make turns here and there and they just wound up constantly going around in big circles. 8 When the Quartermaster decided they should make a left at Jericho, Mosey got fed up and finally put his foot down. 9 “Guys, quit being back seat wanderers! 10 We’re walking straight from now on!”
11 “Captain,” said the First Mate, “Sorry, but this is getting really getting aggravating. 12 Maybe if we just had a beer or two…”
13 And so the FSM, taking pity on His followers, provided them with a keg and told Mosey to tap it. 14 But Mosey, still frustrated, hacked it with his cutlass. 15 Beer splattered everywhere, getting the pirates sticky and spilling all out onto the ground. 16 “Dude!” the FSM shouted from Heaven, 17 “What the hell? 18 I try to do something nice for my people and you go and ruin it. 19 Just for that, you’re not allowed in the Promised Land.”

Chapter 3
1 But Pirate Mosey remained cool and continued to fulfill his responsibility to his people. 2 He prepared for their entrance into the Promised Land and trained his crew on various piratical methods. 3 He gave his officers greater responsibilities in order to get them ready for commanding crews on the sea. 4 He appointed the most devout of the men, the boatswain Josh, to be the future Commodore of the Pirate Fleet.
5 When they finally came within sight of the ocean, Mosey sent look-outs up onto a hill to see if they should approach. 6 But a storm was on the horizon, and the water was full of sea monsters. 7 They decided to head back into the wilderness for a while. 8 Unfortunately they got lost again, and they wandered around in the desert for forty years before they found the shore again.
9 The FSM came to them and instructed them that they should build many ships and split the men up into several crews. 10 He then turned to Mosey and said, “Hey dude, I was a little hungover and grumpy the day I said you weren’t allowed in the Promised Land. 11 If you wanna go too, it’s cool.”
12 “No, your Noodliness,” said Mosey, “I messed up. 13 It’s only right that I stay behind. 14 But I would like to renew the Pastament. 15 We have remained loyal and become pirates like you wanted. 16 Will you allow us to live on the Promised Land forever?”
17 “Sure,” said the FSM.
18 “Sweet,” said Mosey.
19 The crews prepared to set sail into the Promised Land, and Pirate Mosey said good bye and gave them one last suggestion, 20 “Hear O Pirates, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is our god, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is yum.” 21 And the pirate fleet under Commodore Josh went forth into the sea and established a great dynasty of buccaneers.
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Re: "GENESIS"/HISTORY

Postby Platypus Enthusiast on Fri May 21, 2010 2:19 pm

Darwin’s Purge

Chapter 1
1 Decades had passed since the Golden Age of Piracy. 2 Pirates had grown arrogant with the knowledge that they were the Flying Spaghetti Monster’s chosen people. 3 No longer did they bury treasure to keep it from corrupting others with greed, instead keeping the gold and jewels for themselves. 4 They no longer sailed around distributing candy to young children. 5 They forced their religion on others, demanding that nonbelievers follow the FSM. 6 The great pirate leaders, Pirate Mosey with his divine favor, Captain Dave with his prowess in battle, and the Great Pirate Solomon with his profound wisdom, had moved on to the Beer Volcano and Stripper Factories of Heaven. 7 There was no one left to alter the pirates’ sinful course. 8 The Flying Spaghetti Monster would defend them no longer.

Chapter 2
1 A ninja stealthily crept towards his prey. 2 He prepared to leap at the unsuspecting man, but he sensed something was wrong. 3 He turned around to see a bearded old man. 4 He struggled to recognize him in the darkness, but then it came to him; it was the sly demon, the Dark Lord Darwin himself!
5 The ninja pointed his sword at the creature, prepared to defend himself. 6 “Get back fiend!” he shouted, “Or I shall cut you down.”
7 “Your skills are no match for me,” Darwin said, 8 “I have powers beyond your imagination. 9 You are a ninja, are you not supposed to be stealthy and undetectable? 10 How then did I see you?”
11 Shaken by his apparent lack of sneakiness, the ninja responded, “How?”
12 “I used the dark power of observation. 13 I merely opened my eyes and looked around,” Darwin gloated.
14 “Incredible,” said the ninja, “Teach me more.”
15 “There are four dark powers of Science. 16 I will teach you the other three, but only on the condition that you lead the ninjas in a final purge of the pirates.”
17 “I know the pirates and us have fought in the past, but extermination seems like a little too much.”
18 “I guarantee, once you learn of the powers, you will want to destroy them all. 19 Do we have a deal?”
20 The ninja thought for a minute. 21 “Yes, it’s a deal,” he agreed reluctantly.
22 Darwin smiled. 23 “The second power is reason. 24 Use logic in your strategies against the pirates. 25 For example, pirates love to drink rum, so maybe ambush them at a tavern. 26 Now, this is useful, but don’t solely rely on it. 27 Just because something makes sense doesn’t mean it’s true. 28 So reason must be used with the third power, experimentation. 29 If you do attack the pirates at a tavern and you lose, then try something else. 30 A combination of logic and trial and error, reason and experimentation, will give you an effective method in fighting the pirates.”
31 “I see,” said the ninja, 32 “These powers do seem powerful, but I still don’t feel like killing every last pirate.”
33 “That’s where the last power comes in. 34 The dark power of evidence. 35 Pirates are always armed with cutlasses and flintlocks; they travel in ships loaded with cannons. 36 They have constantly fought with the ninjas. 37 They are a threat to you and your people. 38 What choice do you have other than destroy them all?”
39 “Yes! 40 You’re right.”
41 “I’m a scientist. 42 I’m always right. 43 Now I’m currently working on a deception, the Theory of Evolution, that will destroy the faith of the pirates and prevent them from gaining new converts. 44 It will even hurt the FSM himself, as he put a lot of effort into making the universe older than it really is. 45 Evolution will provide an alternative to his practical joke, thus ruining his fun. 46 All the ninjas must do is eliminate the pirates and Pastafarianism will fall.
47 The ninja, jazzed by this information, went forth and spread his new knowledge of Science.

Chapter 3
1 Pirates have never been the most skillful fighters. 2 They are peaceful men and had mostly held off attempted purges by the ninjas in the past by divine intervention from the FSM. 3 But now the FSM had forsaken them for their digressions. 4 Furthermore, they had grown fat and pathetic, perpetually drinking rum and boning wenches, and were in no shape for battling ninjas. 5 This combined with the ninjas mastery of the dark powers of Science meant the pirates didn’t stand a chance against the coming doom.
6 The ninjas spread across the land, slaughtering every pirate they found. 7 They hunted them down like bilge rats. 8 Most cowardly fled out into the sea or drowned their sorrows in rum, waiting for the end. 9 Many complained to the FSM and turned against Him for letting this misfortune befall them.
10 But some took a stand and proudly fought to the end, knowing that they had brought this upon themselves. 11 Others repented and prayed to the FSM to apologize for their wrongdoings. 12 The FSM saw these devout pirates and felt bad for condemning his entire following for the sleaze of some.

Chapter 4
1 Captain Black Bob had made it back to his ship after a narrow victory over a ninja assault party. 2 He had lost many of his crew and was feeling depressed. 3 He prayed, “Oh tasty Flying Spaghetti Monster, I realize this destruction must be our fault, but I need to know, what have we done wrong?”
4 “Pirates have become corrupt and have strayed from Pastafarianism. 5 Now I’m not the kinda god to smite those who don’t listen to me, but I don’t have to protect you either,” answered the FSM.
5 “That still sounds pretty lame.”
6 “I know, but I’m a god. I got responsibilities and shit. 7 Do you really wanna worship a god who helps out assholes?”
8 “No.”
9 “Yeah, well you guys were assholes.”
10 “True, but I have repented. 11 I have admitted that I have done wrong.”
12 “You doing better than most of your brethren, but you’re still not good enough. 13 For example, stop killing ninjas. 14 Remember the second suggestion “Thou ought not do stuff thou already knowest is wrong, like killing, lying, cheating, stealing, etc. Dost thou really need these carved into a rock?” 15 Yeah, they may kill you, but at least you’ll die a good person. 16 Plus I made all humans equal. 17 Ninjas are inherently as good as pirates. 18 Buy they were deceived by Darwin and twisted by his Science. 19 That demon is the one you should be angry at.”
20 “Fair enough.”
21 “Sweet. 22 You shape up a little and I got your back. 23 But there’s one more thing. 24 You must go forth and spread my word. 25 You must keep my faith alive. 26 For the Dark Lord Darwin will return and threaten mankind again. 27 His Science may destroy the world. 28 The Pastafarians must be prepared.
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Re: "GENESIS"/HISTORY

Postby Ham Nox on Fri May 21, 2010 6:59 pm

I LOVE IT!! <3 <3 <3
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Re: "GENESIS"/HISTORY

Postby Roland Deschain on Sat May 22, 2010 12:17 am

Ok, I should have something for this section in the next couple of days. I know it's cutting it close to the deadline, but i've had a lot going on irl recently that has stopped my brain being able to work properly. All i've read so far is amazing!
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Re: "GENESIS"/HISTORY

Postby Platypus Enthusiast on Sat May 22, 2010 1:16 am

Ham Nox wrote:I LOVE IT!! <3 <3 <3


Thanks hammy

Roland Deschain wrote:Ok, I should have something for this section in the next couple of days. I know it's cutting it close to the deadline, but i've had a lot going on irl recently that has stopped my brain being able to work properly. All i've read so far is amazing!


sounds good roland. the 24th deadline is just what i've been telling people to get them to hurry their asses up. but if you can guarantee some content, its cool if its a few days late
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Re: "GENESIS"/HISTORY

Postby Ham Nox on Sat May 22, 2010 9:40 am

I'm trying to do something for this
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Re: "GENESIS"/HISTORY

Postby Roland Deschain on Mon May 24, 2010 3:18 pm

I know it's cutting it rather fine, but my flimsy moral standards would allow nothing less :wink: It will be expanded upon and revised in the future, but with everything else going on with me at the moment, it's all I could do.

The Book of Linguini

1. And yea the man thou knowest as Linguini was a sinful man. He partaketh not of the Holy Pasta in His name, nor of the meatballs and sauce in His Holy name. The FSM looked down upon him and was wrathful, plus he also had a hangover, and verily this did displease the Almighty Noodly One.

2. One day whilst he was in his kitchen, Linguini was struck with inspiration for a new dish. Never before had he thought of making a Holy dish from scratch. So he tooketh the Holy Ingredients of eggs, flour and semolina, and he did mix them well. When he saw what he had make, he proceedeth to shred it into thin strips. Thus he made his first pasta.

3. When he had cooked the pasta, he found that its taste was divine, and in that moment he truly knew that he had been inspired by Him. But something felt wrong, as he had not felt that gentle touch of Appendage. Even draping some of his newly-made pasta onto his shoulder did not give him that intense feeling of meatball-flavoured love. The FSM did not see how Linguini suffered, as He was still suffering with His Holy Hangover, and had previously been displeased with Linguini, so was ignoring him for a while.

4. Linguini spread his recipe to the faithful, and it was soon a favourite with the Holy Meal throughout all the land. Linguini prayed night and day to the FSM that He would touch him and bless his homage to the Holy Meal, yet he was not heard. Linguini lamented this, and soon realised the errors of his previously-sinful ways.

5. As weeks led into months, he had still not been touched by Him. Linguini took to wearing the Holy Attire and talking like the Most Holy Pirates, yet still he was not heard. Linguini could not blame Him, as he had been bad before his enlightenment.

6. A year later, the FSM finally stopped sulking. He got up to take some aspirin, and felt much better. At once he saw how Linguini had suffered this past year and felt guilty, yet he was still suspicious of him. He descended to the Earth where he visited Linguini in the form of an old pirate. Linguini welcomed this stranger into his home and ensured that he wanted for nothing.

7. Serving nothing but the finest pasta and grog, the FSM in his disguise started to warm to Linguini, when he brought out his biggest surprise; a bowl of his own pasta creation. As the FSM tasted it, he was filled with love for Linguini, as the pasta was truly fit for the finest beer volcano bars.

8. Shedding His disguise, the FSM revealed himself to Linguini and declared that from this day, his pasta would be served in Heaven, and from thenceforth be known as Linguini in honour of its creator. Linguini trembled at this, and stood in awe of Him. The FSM saw this and extended an appendage toward Linguini, touching him gently.

9. A sudden light appeared, and a host of strippers were revealed carrying barrels of grog into Linguini's house. Much merriment was had that night by all, as the grog rather quickly disappeared, especially after the FSM began singing His favourite sea shanties into the night.

10. Linguini never forgot this visitation, and now sits in Heaven and dines at the finest beer volcano eateries and partakes of the finest strippers. This is the history of Linguini and how he came to Him and His Ultimate Drunkeness. RAmen.
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Re: "GENESIS"/HISTORY

Postby Platypus Enthusiast on Mon May 24, 2010 4:51 pm

Not bad Roland. If you're happy with it, i'll stick it in the Canon
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Re: "GENESIS"/HISTORY

Postby Roland Deschain on Mon May 24, 2010 5:52 pm

Thanks PE. I wanted it to be a lot longer, but I just don't have the energy at the moment. If I may make one small change to the verse numbers. The new verse 1 is at the bottom. I would like all subsequent verses renumbered to follow suit, and the current verse 10 completely removed, then that will be it for now. I want to continue The Book of Linguini, but as I said before, I have too much going on in my life that detracts from what I really want to be doing :sad:

By the time the second edition comes out, i'll have added far more to it for you, so that it will actually look like a proper book rather than a pamplet :haha: Feel free to reformat it in any way it needs to be, and thank you once again for the opportunity to contribute to the cause of Pastafaria.

The New Verse 1:-

The Book of Linguini

Chapter 1

1. This is the word of Pa Stasors on the history of Linguini, how he came to Him and His Ultimate Drunkeness, and how he spread His food.

2. And yea the man thou knowest as Linguini was a... [etc, etc].

...

10. A sudden light appeared, and a host of strippers were revealed carrying barrels of grog into Linguini's house. Much merriment was had that night by all, as the grog rather quickly disappeared, especially after the FSM began singing His favourite sea shanties into the night.

[END]
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