Loose Canon - The Acts of the Apastles Submissions

Submit your scriptural writings for inclusion in the Loose Canon, and your tales of ancient FSM Lore, as well as any other FSM-related writing you may have.

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Loose Canon - The Acts of the Apastles Submissions

Postby Platypus Enthusiast on Sun Mar 01, 2009 11:35 pm

Ahoy dudes. The wise and starchy Second Council of Olive Garden is searching for holy scripture to be added to the Loose Canon. The Council is only accepting stuff the fits the whole FSM thing, so no hate-mongering, supporting things that obviously contradict our teachings, or general douchey stuff. Also, I'm a lazy man, so number your verses.

While the First Council of Olive Garden gathered fictional writings, the Second Council will attempt to collect some nonfictional writings too. So for the Acts of the Apastles, I'm looking for texts specifically about the works of real-live Pastafarians and how they helped further our cause. They can be mythologized (I was gonna make up the word mythisized, but I found out there was a real word for what I was looking for) a little, but the person and their main deeds should be real. So maybe something about Bobby, the Admins/Mods, some obscure Pastafarian only you know, or even about yourself if you're that unmodest. I was also thinking maybe a memorial for St. John the Blasphemist wouldn't be a bad idea. So with that said, let the scribing begin.
Check out an official Pastafarian holy book, the Loose Canon: http://loose-canon.fsm-consortium.com/the-loose-canon/

"With Him, All Things are Pasta-Bowl."
-ProvHerbs 3:35
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Re: Loose Canon - The Acts of the Apastles Submissions

Postby The Dark Noodle on Sun Jun 13, 2010 12:51 pm

I am just reading though the loose Canon-1st-ed.dpf and I don't feel this is right

An Announcement Regarding the Afterlife.................................................................................128

"7 There will be a kind of HellLight, where unbelievers have to live with school cafeteria spaghetti, second rate beer, and boring jobs in the service industries where the Heavenbound FSMists will be living. "

It has always been my contention that the FSM does not require believe, so as long as you have not been nasty you get the full blown heaven.

I also have a problem with:

9 These aren't bad people, these are people that followed the culture and customs of their times and did not recognize the difference between a culture and a faith.

If they have not intentionally done anything wrong would they not be in Heaven? to say they would be denied Heaven is just the same as the bible thumpers position on Heaven and Hell.
many of the descriptions of Hell and Hell-lite I like but I fell that the ethos of FSMism would only have Heaven and Heaven-Lit with no actual Hell, after all it is the religious nutters that try to frighten people that if they to not accept their God they will not get in to Heaven and will burn in heaven for eternity.

After all the current version does say:
"2 It is my contention that a loving God of any kind would not Damn someone to Hell."


I propose that the word "HellLight" is amended to "HeavenLight" or "HeavenLite" which is the term I have always used, and that:-

10 Actual FSM Hell is reserved for a very few, and those will be divided from the Pasta, the finest beverages and the fellowship of persons of good will and kind intent.

Be changed to

10 HeavenExtraLight is reserved for a very few, and those will be divided from the Pasta, the finest beverages and the fellowship of persons of good will and kind intent.

The Dark Noodle AKA Rev. Jo Freddie
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Re: Loose Canon - The Acts of the Apastles Submissions

Postby The Dark Noodle on Sun Jun 13, 2010 5:10 pm

I keeping with the theme of the Loose Canon I will work on my version of "An Announcement Regarding the Afterlife" and submit it as soon as I can so it can be read along side the existing version, as part of the eternal development of the book

RAmen
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Re: Loose Canon - The Acts of the Apastles Submissions

Postby Edd on Sun Jun 13, 2010 10:01 pm

That's one of the things I love about the CoFSM - we encourage schisms and acknowledge that the FSM is at least as fallible as we are.
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Re: Loose Canon - The Acts of the Apastles Submissions

Postby Qwertyuiopasd on Mon Jun 14, 2010 11:37 am

Check out Frequently Asked Questions, too. It includes the majority of the "HellLight" spiel, though with the addendum: "but we could be wrong" at the end.

Plus, in most other instances, I believe it is said that every one pretty much just goes to heaven.
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Re: Loose Canon - The Acts of the Apastles Submissions

Postby The Dark Noodle on Mon Jun 14, 2010 12:40 pm

The reason I have such a problem with the idea of any kind of FSM Hell is that using the persona of Jo Freddie a Pastafarian minister for the past 14 months, off and on, I have been preaching my version of Pastafarianism to the baptists of Landover Baptist Church. One of the main tenants I have been pushing is the absence of Hell and that their view that if you do not follow the KJV1611 bible to the letter you are condemned to Hell.

As am example of what I have been do here are extract from one of the discussions at Landover Baptist

Originally Posted by True Disciple
There is no talking with you. I've explained why you are deluded, using several Scripture Verses. You can keep denying it, but it won't get you into Heaven.

Originally Posted by Jo Freddie
I have explained it to you in simple terms why those verses are meaningless, I am sorry I can not explain it any simpler, you are truly more brainwashed then I would have thought humanly possible.

If you do not turn to the truth you will continue to life you life in fear of a non-resistant damnation. I am trying to help you, to try an save you from a life of misery. Discover the JOY of the TRUTH, rejoice in the gifts that The Flying Spaghetti Monster has given us, and look forward to the Heaven that He has waiting for us.


Originally Posted by True Disciple
What part of "I only follow the Bible" do you not understand?

Originally Posted by Jo Freddie
Oh I understand that just fine, I just pity the life of misery that such a position condemns you to, and my compassion for my fellow human being drives me to show you that there is a better way, a way of TRUTH, a way that will let you live a much happier life free from the lies you follow. A life free from those bitter and twisted thoughts that book instils in you. A life where you can see people having more fun then you are and not think bad thoughts about them, thoughts that light a fire within you, fuelled by your jealousy and fanned by those vindictive verses you have been taught to recite.

Originally Posted by Cranky Old Man
As usual you are missing the point. It's not about a happier life, it's about a happier afterlife.

You are probably one of those "Rational Thinkers" Brother True Disciple is warning us for. Just stop rational thinking and start reading the KJV1611 Holy Bible!


Originally Posted by Jo Freddie
Reject those fairy tales from the camel chasers, and not only will you have a better life but you will understand what a wonderful afterlife you will have The ONE TRUE God, The Flying Spaghetti Monster wants you to have both, you will get to Heaven (or heaven - lite if you are not a nice person) what ever you believe, so why live a life of pain and misery?


Now the idea of Heaven - Lite I am sure was something I got from this forum.
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Re: Loose Canon - The Acts of the Apastles Submissions

Postby Qwertyuiopasd on Mon Jun 14, 2010 2:45 pm

I wouldn't worry about it. Whatever the FSM tells you is certainly as a valid as what he may tell others here, or what he may have written in the Loose Canon, through other people. He's probably just testing your faith.

You might want to ask them what's so great about their afterlife, besides eternal live and not being tortured. Because we've got a Beer Volcano and Stripper Factory, so that probably beats whatever they have. Gardening, or something, I would assume.

Make a Pascal's wager with Pastafarian thrown in the mix. The odds of being tortured for eternity are mathematically higher in Christianity than in Pastafarianism.
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Re: Loose Canon - The Acts of the Apastles Submissions

Postby Ham Nox on Tue Jun 15, 2010 11:46 am

Actually, that makes it make MORE sense to choose Christianity. Like when federal and state law conflict, you're supposed to go with the one that's stricter because there's more you can get thrown into prison for.
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Re: Loose Canon - The Acts of the Apastles Submissions

Postby Qwertyuiopasd on Tue Jun 15, 2010 11:59 am

Sorry, bit I'm an optimist. :tongue:
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Re: Loose Canon - The Acts of the Apastles Submissions

Postby The Dark Noodle on Tue Jun 15, 2010 7:27 pm

Here is what The Great Noodle has me believe about "An Announcement Regarding the Afterlife "

1. An ancient and venerable sage spoke unto the Pastaists of all the divisions, unto the Noodleists, and unto the Maranarists, the Fettucinians, the Pastafarians, and all of the great Pasta-based members of the Holy and Delicious Faith, and said:
2. It is my contention that a loving God of any kind would not Damn someone to Hell.
3. Condemning them to Hell would be a problem for a supposedly intelligent creator.
4. Lakes of fire, boiling waters, sauces, etc, aren't a good choice.
5. If you want to attract "justified" persons, portray just rewards and punishments.
6. If you want to attract lunatics and sadists, portray violent punishments.
7. All those that have led a life with a kind heart and good intent will enter Heaven
8. They will have the finest pasta, wondrous beverages, strippers perfectly suited to their needs, and a fantastic view of the stage.
9. For those who have not lived a life lives with a kind heart and good intent, they will enter Heaven Light.
10. Those will be divided from the Pasta, the finest beverages, the best strippers, they will have a very restricted view of the stage and will be denied the fellowship of persons of good will and kind intent.
11. They will do all the laundry, cleaning and heavy or unpleasant jobs in the service industries for Heaven.
12. Never will they eat of the Pasta of any kind, but will live on lots of beans and rice, potatoes and extremely cheap cuts of meat, and the type of diet that the urban poor can afford, or that Senior Citizens and disabled persons on Social Security are reduced to.
13. For those who have been particularly mean there is Heaven Extra Light.
14. They get the really icky dirty work.
15. The bullies of the geopolitical world will be there, and their helpers.
16. The false religious leaders, who plead for funds, and give nothing of their true selves, and hoard the money and live in opulence, they will be there, and their helpers.
17. Many others of ill-intent will be with them.
18. There is a reservation there for the tricksters and the con-men, who will begin every work day by licking clean the footwear of every indigenous person, whose lands have been stolen from them, even those in Heaven Light.
19. Also there will be the promulgators of the horrible practices against the peoples of every country ever "modernized" by Western Civilization.
20. No Hell, no boiling lakes of fire, just an appropriate 'reward'.
21. No more lunatics and sadists, please.
22. Other people have other ideas, but then again other people are promoting Holy War, too.
23. Don't do that in the name of our FSM.
24. That's not the Way to Do Things Right.


RAmen
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Re: Loose Canon - The Acts of the Apastles Submissions

Postby Platypus Enthusiast on Tue Jun 15, 2010 11:08 pm

That is a good point Dark Noodle, but we in the Second Council of Olive Garden are not big on rewriting texts of the Canon. However, we do support the addition of contradictory texts. If you wanna write your own epastal on the subject I could stick it right next to the Hell-lite one in the second edition.
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Re: Loose Canon - The Acts of the Apastles Submissions

Postby The Dark Noodle on Tue Jun 15, 2010 11:35 pm

That is part of what I have done above though does need some work doing around it, I think the in his wisdom the :bounce: Great Noodle will be guiding me to rework a few more sections of the Loose Canon to fit with the truth as He as reviled it to me.
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Re: Loose Canon - The Acts of the Apastles Submissions

Postby Qwertyuiopasd on Wed Jun 16, 2010 6:30 am

Like PE said, we don't really re-write sections of the Gospel. And having a simply alternate version to something might be a bit boring. If you feel that strongly, I would say the best course would be writing a new piece of scripture that conflicts, whether something similar to the original text in question, or more of a response Epastle. Conflicting texts are integral to Pastafarianism.

I don't agree with everything in the Canon either, but I just ignore it. It's clearly just a clever ruse by the FSM to test my faith, so I needn't worry about it. The Canon doesn't have to line up perfectly with my or anyone else's beliefs, exactly. In fact, I'm pretty sure it can't.

Great to see you involved, though! Always nice to have another scholar/scribe around. :smile:
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Re: Loose Canon - The Acts of the Apastles Submissions

Postby DaveL on Wed Jun 16, 2010 7:13 am

Ahoy matey,

Reworking the Loose Canon to suit one persons interpretation, undermines the work of the Olive Garden and the many scripture writers. The Council of The Olive Garden laboured long and hard to carefully select 'the best (or is that the worst) of the best'.

I'm judging by your PM to me, you consider current Canon works as unfinished and potentially ripe for your picking.

That won't happen!

If you want to write for future Canon inclusion (if and when that happens) that's fine.

But I'd encourage you to read and respect the writings of the existing Canon for what they are - "Loose".
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Re: Loose Canon - The Acts of the Apastles Submissions

Postby The Dark Noodle on Wed Jun 16, 2010 10:22 am

As I said here
keeping with the theme of the Loose Canon I will work on my version of "An Announcement Regarding the Afterlife" and submit it as soon as I can so it can be read along side the existing version, as part of the eternal development of the book


I appreciate the amount of work the council has done and all pastafarians owe you a huge debt of gratitude. I have no intention of asking you to rework the Loose Canon, and in keeping with the ethos of it I may very well submit my own work for consideration in future versions to be read alongside the existing passages.

In my PM to you I said "Once you have a working version of the loose canon I could make a great deal of use of it." as at the time I had not found it. I will fully admit that my initial post was jumping the gun a bit as I had only just found it, and on further study I see that much of my position on the Hell/Heaven issue had already been covered by other passages.

In the short period of time I have had my copy of the Loose Canon it has proved invaluable in my ongoing outreach work with the Landover Baptists.

RAmen The Dark Noodle
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