Excerpts from the Book of Raviolations

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Excerpts from the Book of Raviolations

Postby Snacky on Sun Feb 06, 2011 9:37 pm

[DISCLAIMER] I wrote all the stuff here, but I pretty much took the verse The Bowls of God's Anger and reworked it to be more FSMish.

The Bowls of the FSM’s Irritation

16Then I heard a loud voice speaking from the captain's cabin to the seven pirates:“Go and pour out the bowls of the Flying Spaghetti Monster’s irritation on the earth!” And they weren’t metaphorical bowls, either. They were literal, physical bowls. Just thought I'd throw that in there.

2But anyway, the first pirate went out and poured his bowl upon the earth. It was really freaky. Terrible and embarrassing acne appeared on all those who had the mark of the "I hate carbohydrates even though I'm not allergic and just hate for hate's sake" fellow and those who had snubbed pasta because they are hipsters, and it was very funny to look at their ridiculously blemished faces.

3Then the second pirate poured his bowl upon the sea. It was actually really awesome, except for one part, but you'll hear about that right now. The oceans boiled like water in a pot, and all the living creatures in the sea died, and I nearly cried because there were dead dolphins friggin' everywhere. But I'm a man, so I just shed a single manly tear.

4Then the third pirate poured out his bowl in the rivers and springs of water and they turned into really cheap, stale, warm beer. Seriously, this made Hell's beer look really appealing. And that's saying something. But I digress. Okay, so the pirate poured bowl into rivers and stuff, bad beer, blah blah blah. The pirate in charge of the water stuff say "The judgments you have made are just, O Noodly One, you who are and were and will be! They mooched out the money of the Flying Spaghetti Monster's prophets and people for beer, so you have given them terrible beer to drink. They get what they deserve!" 7Then I heard heard a voice from the poop deck saying, "Flying Spaghetti Monster almighty! True and just indeed are your judgments!"

8Then the fourth pirate poured out his bowl on the sun somehow, and it was allowed to give people who weren't using sunscreen really bad sunburns that would surely be very uncomfortable for days with its fiery heat. 9They were burned by this heat, and cursed the name of their friends who told them to get a tan, despite the fact they had every opportunity to get sunscreen at the store. But they would not turn from their idiocy and get aloe lotion.

10Then the fifth pirate poured out his bowl on the big chair of the president. Darkness came over America, but that's because it was about three AM. It'd be pretty freaky if it were light at that time, you know? Again, I digress. So the people of America bit their tongues 'cos they had a bad dream about biting their tongues, 11and they cursed 'cos it hurt. but they did not turn because they didn't move around in their sleep that much.

12 Then the sixth pirate poured his bowl in some big river, and I'm not that good at geography, but it was called something like the Great Eucalyptus River or something. The river dried up, to provide a way for the kings who come from the west. 13Then I saw three dirty ghosts that looked like some sort of amphibian. They were coming from -I kid you not- the mouth of a dragon. Freaky, right? 14Apparently they were the spirits of demons who did magic tricks. These three ghosts go out to all the kings, presidents, prime ministers, dictators, emperors, and various other leaders out the world to bring them together for the wrestling tournament on the great Afternoon of the Noodly FSM.

15"Listen! I am coming like a robber! The dude who guards his clothes is happy, because I can't steal them if they're being guarded, so then he won't have to walk naked to the clothes shop and get arrested for public nudity!" That's what some crazy guy said the other day, and I went to the other side of the road 'cos he scared me.

16Then the ghosts brought the leaders to a cage which, in English, is known as the "Pen of Pain" And the leaders wrestled. The french guy went down fast, but what really surprised me was the aggression the Swedish leader had. He was like some animal, and I always thought the Swedes were a peaceful people. I know I'll never piss anyone off in Sweden, that's for sure.

17Then the seventh pirate poured out his bowl in the air. A loud voice came from the captain's quarters, saying "It is done!" 18There were flashes of light, huge thunder noises, and a freaking huge earthquake. Whatever the biggest number on the Richter Scale is, this earthquake was probably triple that. That is how big it was. 19The great city of New York was split into three sub-cities, and all the cities of all the countries of the world had a seven minute blackout. The FSM remembered great Portland, and made her drink the beer of his mug — the beer of his irritated displeasure. 20All the islands of the world experienced a big increase of how far in the beach high tide went, all the mountains suddenly shrank a centimeter. 21Huge hailstones, each weighing as much as half a pound, fell from the sky and hit people's cars, and they cursed their luck, because they just bought the cars the day before.


And that, my friends, was the The Bowls of the FSM’s Irritation, the seventh verse of the Book of Raviolations. Can you write another verse in Raviolations? If so, please post it here because I think it's hilarious.
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Re: Excerpts from the Book of Raviolations

Postby Platypus Enthusiast on Thu Feb 10, 2011 7:28 pm

very nice, I'm a big fan of your style
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Re: Excerpts from the Book of Raviolations

Postby Snacky on Thu Feb 10, 2011 10:18 pm

Platypus Enthusiast wrote:very nice, I'm a big fan of your style


This warms my heart. Thank you.
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Re: Excerpts from the Book of Raviolations

Postby Ravi Oli on Sat Feb 12, 2011 3:40 am

Snacky are YOU the new Not-for-Prophet that we have long awaited?
Only I think you got your translation wrong... it should have read:

"The Irritation of The FSM's Bowels".

His Noodliness normal carbs and protein rich Pasta diet keeps him in excellent health. However He will when visiting with other Deities and lesser Demigods occasionally consume a salad... which plays havoc with his irritable bowel syndrome. What you write about is our mere human interpretation of the Agonies of Our Noodliness in the Sacrifices and Colonic Irrigations He endures such as we may live in peace.
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Re: Excerpts from the Book of Raviolations

Postby Snacky on Sat Feb 12, 2011 10:26 am

Ravi Oli wrote:Snacky are YOU the new Not-for-Prophet that we have long awaited?
Only I think you got your translation wrong... it should have read:

"The Irritation of The FSM's Bowels".

His Noodliness normal carbs and protein rich Pasta diet keeps him in excellent health. However He will when visiting with other Deities and lesser Demigods occasionally consume a salad... which plays havoc with his irritable bowel syndrome. What you write about is our mere human interpretation of the Agonies of Our Noodliness in the Sacrifices and Colonic Irrigations He endures such as we may live in peace.

Is it Bowels? I have a Precious Moments Catholic Bible, so it messes with quite a few words. Damned political correctness...
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Re: Excerpts from the Book of Raviolations

Postby Ravi Oli on Sat Feb 12, 2011 5:23 pm

Snacky wrote:Is it Bowels?... Damned political correctness...


I truly believe so Brother Snacky. No one thinks The Queen farts... to entertain the idea FSM has needs of bodily functions is beyond the scope of many. But it is said even in Bibles [right near the front] that we were created in His image so it stands to reason our Creator has those functions.

What you describe is just the result of a heavy night out with the strippers at the beer volcano by His Noodliness as viewed from the confines of our feeble earthly minds.
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