Speak to me with only LOUD YELLING from a GREAT DISTANCE!
For I have in my possession a very UNNOODLY OBJECT indeed!
Yes, I have an object which seems to be POSSESSED by some CRUEL, PERVERTED SPIRIT or DEMON of some sort!
I found this stone in my yard today.
A cursory examination will reveal that the rock is smirking at you. No, those facial features are not drawn on in marker. Those are natural marks upon this stone.
I strongly believe this rock to be possessed by some sort of demon or spirit, which is a pedophile. Most likely it is the spirit of one of those dead Catholic clergymen, or a one of those Mormon polygamists with the harems of underage girls.
I'll tell you why.
I found this stone while doing yardwork. I picked it up and noticed the face. To ensure I was not hallucinating again, I showed my mother and her fiance. They saw it too. I placed it in my pocket.
I went inside and sat down in a comfy rocking chair to watch some news. Not one, but two people, a prominent real estate developer and a recently deceased doctor, had been accused of raping children today!
We went out for ice cream for dinner, after our long day of yardwork was done. At the ice cream shop, as we ate ice cream in our truck, a van full of teenaged girls from a nearby private school arrived. They looked to be about 15-16 years old. Suddenly, they began pulling down each other's pants! The elderly gentlemen, in their 80s, in the vehicle next to ours stared transfixed, mouths agape! The stone was in my pocket this whole time. It was corrupting both our youth AND our elderly!
Now this alone might not be indication that the stone is evil. They're teenagers, and teenagers are rambunctious. I understand that. However, there's more to the story. Here's the part that indicates the true nature of this horrid stone...
As I often do, I was browsing what was one of my favorite prurient websites tonight, the rock still in my pocket. Normally, the site is filled with links to free sample galleries from "reputable" (as far as that word applies to this industry) websites. However, tonight, as I clicked the various links, I was bombarded with page after page of grody CHILD PORN!
I was shocked! I had never had this problem with this website, until I put that rock in my pocket! Needless to say I will never return to that website again. It's such a shame, and I firmly believe it is because of this smirking, demonic stone that one of my favorite sites was ruined.
So what is to be done with this cursed stone?
I could throw it out into the woods near my house, and it won't trouble me anymore. However, I live next door to an elementary school. What if a child should find it and take it home? That would be unconscionable.
I could find some way to destroy it. This might break the curse. However, I am an avid collector of pet rocks, and it does not sit well with me that I should destroy an innocent rock. After all, it is the demonic spirit that is evil, not the rock it so cruelly possesses. Anyway, even if I could destroy it, the spirit might travel to another rock, perhaps even one of MY beloved rocks!
So there's only one alternative.
We are a religious organization, after all. A church.
What do religious organizations do when they find someone or something possessed by a demon?
That's right. They EXORCISE it, and return the spirit whence it came.
So, here's the question, and here's why it's posted in the Scripture and Lore forum.How, exactly, does a Pastafarian go about conducting an exorcism on a possessed rock?
This is interesting to me, as a member of the Third Council of Olive Garden. Presently we in the Council are attempting to compile the various rituals, among other things, that Pastafarians practice. Exorcism rituals, I believe, could be an excellent addition to our collection. Of course, in this case, they may also be direly important, for this rock, for myself, and for the world.
Do we need candles? Do we wrap the fiendish stone in linguini? Bathe it in the spiciest, garlicful pasta sauce we can concoct? Any particular prayers? What do we do? Tell us!
This stone's very LIFE is on the line!
As for me, for now, I'll be avoiding Internet pornography, to avoid corrupting any more of my favorite sites with this demon's vile influences. Good thing I've already collected a sizeable stash of buxom, ADULT wenches so lovely they may very well have descended unto the Earth from the LORD Flying Spaghetti Monster's own Stripper Factory in Heaven!
May ye all be Touched by His Noodly Appendage, and FSMspeed!