Loose Canon Submissions - Samudra-dasyu-pravacana

[Platypus Enthusiast]

Ok mateys, so we at the Third Council of Olive Garden have begun thinking about putting together a second edition of the Canon. But we have restructured the way we're doing it to make compilation easier and more organized. So for the Samudra-dasyu-pravacana (Sanskrit for the Sacred Writings of the Pirates) anything written in the spirit of the Hindu, Jain, and early Buddhist literature can be submitted here. So anything involving epics, Indic proto-philosophy, lower gods, karma, samsara, and mantra, etc. But if you have something that doesn't quite fit that model, then by all means, go for it. Also, if you want a "historical" basis for your work, check out the Torahtellini Part 1 (4:17-21) here: viewtopic.php?f=15&t=20389 And if you want, check out the First Edition of the Loose Canon here http://loose-canon.fsm-consortium.com/the-loose-canon/ for reference.

[Saucius Maximus]

When is the deadline for the second edition?

[Platypus Enthusiast]

we actually dont have a deadline. I kinda figure when we got enuf submissions we'll be done

[Qwertyuiopasd]

"done" being a loose term. If scripture keeps rolling in, we'll probably hold off until we reach a point where there's not a lot of new stuff, then call it a 2nd edition. After that, things will still be able to be submitted for the future 3rd edition, so the word "deadline" is hardly accurate. We're in the early stages of the 2nd edition right now, we'll let you know when we're closer.

[Platypus Enthusiast]

The Rigatoni Veda

Chapter 1 – Prayer to Angelo*
1 I pray to Angelo, the kitchen priest who is the god of cuisine, the one who cooks and serves the best pastas.
2 Angelo heard the orders from the menu of the ancient patrons, and those of the present too; he will deliver divine meals to our table.
3 Through Angelo one may fill his stomach, and his belly will grow from day to day.
5 Angelo, the priest with the sharp taste of a chef, the god will cook with the gods.
6 Whatever good food you wish to cook for the one that worships you, Angelo, through you, O Angelonians, it is served.
7 To you, Angelo, we come meal after meal, filling our empty plates and stomachs.
8 To you, the executive chef over all cuisine, the shining knife of Pastafarianism, cooking in your own kitchen.
9 Be easy for us to reach, like a box of pasta that’s on a cupboard shelf that’s not too high.
10 Abide with us, Angelo, for our fulfillment.

*Angelo is the English translation of the Sanskrit name Agni

Chapter 2 – If I were like You, Admiral Indra
1 If I were like you, Admiral Indra, and all alone ruled over booty, the pirate who praised me would have the company of albatrosses.
2 I would do my best for him, I would want to give gold doubloons to the sailor, O Admiral of Awesomeness, if I were the captain of albatrosses.
3 For the one who ferments and mixes Grog, your opulence is an egg of an albatross which is swelled to cracking.
4 There is no one, neither god nor mortal nor the FSM Himself who obstructs your pillaging, Admiral Indra, when you are praised and you wish to give treasure.
5 The meal of rum made Admiral Indra grow greater when he pushed back the shore and made the sea his own cabin.
6 We ask help from you Admiral Indra, you who have grow great and have plundered all treasures.
7 In the ecstasy of Grog, Admiral Indra spread out the great realm of water and waves, when he defeated the demon Kraken.
8 He drove out the albatrosses for the Angelonians, making visible those that have sunk, and he fired his cannons on the Kraken.
9 Like the exhilarating wave of the waters, your praise, Admiral Indra, and you bring the purest rum to the singer of praises and sea shanteys.
10 Let the three-masted frigate bring Admiral Indra to drink Grog here at the supper of the giver of rich treasures.
12 With the foam of the waters, Admiral Indra, you tore off the tentacles of the demon who would not let go when you conquered all challengers.
13 You sank the ships of the Hari Krishnas who desired to sail up and conquer Heaven.
14 You scattered to every side the ones that did not drink Grog; as Grog-drinker you are supreme.
15 All hands, salute your Admiral Indra.

Chapter 3 – Jai Ho, Challengers of the Flying Spaghetti Monster
1 Huzzah for King Kaṃsa and Prince Śiśupāla, brave warriors.
2 The FSM, in a drunken rage, descended upon the Earth.
3 Disguised as a man, many armed, He brought war and death.
4 Oh Kaṃsa and Śiśupāla, you risked all.
5 You took up arms against our Lord and held fast against His fury.
6 Simple mortals against the Immortal, yet correct you are to challenge.
7 For He was a jackass.
8 Oh Kaṃsa and Śiśupāla, you gave all.


Further chapters are welcome, if anyone happens to receive revelations on the topic

[Platypus Enthusiast]

just a rough draft, so comments and criticisms welcome. also, it was a bitch, but the sanskrit is accurate. just thought I'd brag a bit.

पलायिन्पचतसुपिष्टम्गुणाअभुवगीता
Palāyin-pacata-supiṣṭam-guṇā-abhuva-Gītā
(Song of the Flying Spaghetti Monster)

Chapter 1 – Observing the Armies – Jñāna/Knowledge Yoga
On the Field of Kurukṣetra, two groups of cousins, the Pāṇḍavas and the Kurus, and their allies, had assembled their armies for battle (the reason for the war being irrelevant to the story). The Flying Spaghetti Monster, only slightly drunk that day, decided that He should probably prevent the oncoming bloodshed. So He disguised Himself as Kṛṣṇa, the servant and charioteer of Arjuna, a hero of the Pāṇḍavas.

Arjuna, who was not a dumbass, ordered Kṛṣṇa to drive his chariot around the battlefield so he could see what he was getting into. Seeing friends and relatives amongst the Kuru army, he became overwhelmed with compassion and said, “I do not see how any good can come from killing my own kinsmen and cherished friends in this battle, nor can I, my dear Kṛṣṇa, desire any subsequent victory, kingdom, or happiness. Why should I kill for earthy rewards or even at the request of our Lord Glob? There is absolutely no reason for it. Sorry man, but I gotta run for it.”

“You’re god damn right you should run,” said Kṛṣṇa, “And you’re freakin’ right that killing is wrong. Morality is common sense. True knowledge is going on that common sense. Everyone possesses that knowledge, but you must act on the knowledge, unlike your fellow warriors here.”

“Oh,” replied Arjuna, “I figured you would try to talk me into fighting since everyone is truly an immortal soul and therefore killing is ok.”
Kṛṣṇa said, “Nope.”

Chapter 2 – The Stress of the Decision – Praṇava/Yum Yoga
“Those are wise words Kṛṣṇa, but I still worry about running away. I’ll look like a pansy,” said Arjuna, “While I do agree it is the right decision, it nonetheless is a tough one and I’m very stressed because of it. Tell me, humble servant, what shall I do?”

Kṛṣṇa replied, “In times of stress, one can meditate. This involves reciting the mantras, either aloud in a group (kirtan) or quietly to oneself (japa). The mantras are simple, easy to remember phrases that when recited, brings the FSM into one’s mind. In doing so you’ll laugh, and feel better about your problems, even in the face of death, or worse, embarrassment. Here are a few mantras:

Yum (युम्) is the sacred syllable, the praṇava, a sonic manifestation of the FSM. Saying this great mantra is to come into contact with the FSM Himself as His noodly appendages pervade all matter, including sound. Yum is the purest of all matter as it represents an entire divine meal. The ‘y’ represents the ordering from the menu and the anticipation of the meal. One decides what he wants in life and must wait patiently to achieve it. The ‘u’ represents the joy at receiving the meal. The great happiness one gets at finally achieving their goal. The ‘m’ represents the eating of the meal. This is one’s enjoyment of life. The silence following represents the fulfillment, reminiscing about the meal, and feeling happy.

The Pāramitā Mantra: ‘Oh, Man, Pāsta, Yum!’ ( ओमान्पास्तयुम् )

This mantra was lost for ages, only to be recently revealed by Pious Pirate and Pedantic Pastrian Priest. It is also very pure as it contains the four Pastafarian Pāramitās, or perfections. The ‘Yum’ is a given. ‘Pāsta’ represents the FSM and ‘Man’ represents humanity. Note that ‘Man’ comes before ‘Pāsta’. Lastly, ‘Oh’ reflects the awesomeness of the relationship between man and FSM, and the great power of the sacred syllable.

The Saptakṣara Mantra: ‘Yum Namaḥ Śrī Vermicelli’
(‘Yum, adoration to Lord Vermicelli.’ युम्नमःश्रीवेर्मिचेल्लि )

A simple mantra, basically straight-up praise of the FSM. Lord Vermicelli is one of His many names, representing His love of even the lowly worm.

The Maha Mantra: ‘Pacata-supiṣṭam-guṇā Abhuva Pacata-supiṣṭam-guṇā Abhuva
Abhuva Abhuva Pacata-supiṣṭam-guṇā Pacata-supiṣṭam-guṇā
Pacata-supiṣṭam-guṇā Rāman Pacata-supiṣṭam-guṇā Rāman
Rāman Rāman Pacata-supiṣṭam-guṇā Pacata-supiṣṭam-guṇā’
(‘Spaghetti Monster Spaghetti Monster पचतसुपिष्टम्गुणाअभुवपचतसुपिष्टम्गुणाअभुव ।
Monster Monster Spaghetti Spaghetti अभुवअभुवपचतसुपिष्टम्गुणापचतसुपिष्टम्गुणा ।
Spaghetti Rāman Spaghetti Rāman पचतसुपिष्टम्गुणारामन्पचतसुपिष्टम्गुणारामन् ।
Rāman Rāman Spaghetti Spaghetti’ रामन्रामन्पचतसुपिष्टम्गुणापचतसुपिष्टम्गुणा ॥ )

Rāman is one of the names of the FSM when he came down to Earth in for His līlās, which includes warfare and screwing around in the woods. English, a language descended from the Holy tongue of the Pirates, also has inherited features from the Indo-European languages, like Sankrit, hence, the RAmen. Or something. Oh, and on the topic of English and Sanskrit, it’s advised you recite this mantra in English, cause it’s a freaking mouthful (totally though about making a pasta pun there) in Sanskrit.


The Gayatri Mantra: ‘Yum tat jūrī vareṇyaṃ
bhargo devasya dhīmahi
jaṭhara yo naḥ pracodayāt’
(‘May we attain that excellent glory of Salivation the God: युम्तत्जूरीर्वरेण्यं ।
So may He stimulate our stomachs.’ भर्गो देवस्यधीमहि ।
जठरयोनःप्रचोदयात् ॥ )

Salivation is another name of the FSM, for obvious reasons. This mantra is a request for Him to make you hunger for the divine meal.

The Sūpa Mantra: ‘Aśanā mā satkāra gamaya
Satyo mā asat gamaya
Mṛtyor mā yavirā-nagna-janatāu gamaya
Yum sūpa sūpa sūpa’
(‘From hunger, lead me to feasting, अशनामासत्कारगमय ।
From truth, lead me to ignorance. सत्योमाअसत्गमय ।
From death, lead me to beer and strippers, मृत्योमायविरानग्नजनताउगमय ।
Yum, sauce, sauce, sauce.’ युम्सूपसूपसूप ।। )

I’m actually pretty proud of this one.

Chapter 3 – Do Your Duty – Parma Yoga
“Ok, that’s cool,” said Arjuna, “I won’t fight and now you’ve taught me hope to cope with that, but what about my friends and family? They’re gonna fight and get their asses killed.”

Kṛṣṇa thought for a few minutes, “Oh, I’ve got it! It is your duty to help them too. Now, this duty is not divinely given. I don’t have the time or energy to work out everyone’s fate and purpose in life. You gotta work that out for yourself with common sense and reason; though helping people out is always a good route.”

“Wait, are you saying you’re the Flying Spaghetti Monster?” asked Arjuna.

“Yeah dude, long story,” Kṛṣṇa replied, “Don’t worry about it. Anyway, you should do your duty, or in other words, figure out how to live a good life and follow through. But I advise against seeking reward for your actions (action is a translation of the Sanskrit word ‘parma’ (not ‘karma’ (the word ‘karma’ stems from an ancient typo))). Like, don’t help a lady friend move and then expect to get laid. That’s a dick move. Therefore, don’t be concerned with the fruits of your actions, the cheese of your parma (parmesan, as it were (Indians are Cheesites and so this is the FSM’s crappy attempt at wit)). However, I realize that this whole detachment thing is tough, and one might still have some interest in the results of his/her/it’s parma, as well as the fact that you need to be mindful of the consequences of what you do. To analogize, your pasta tastes just fine without any parmesan and probably better on your waistline anyway. But it tastes even better if you sprinkle a little bit on. But it tastes like crap if you dump a whole heap of parmesan on your meal. Though I guess it’s ok if you help people for your own personal gain if the Utilitarian’s are right…I dunno, I’m losing my train of thought. But do you kinda see what I’m getting at?”

“Yeah, probably. Don't be a douche, moderation's good, nobody's perfect,” said Arjuna, “Hold up for second man, I’m gonna go stop the battle.” He ran between the two armies and shouted, “Holy shit guys! Don’t kill each other! It’s stupid!”

“That sounds about right,” said one warrior. “Yeah, let’s go watch a movie or something,” said another. “Maybe Green Lantern?” said a third warrior. “I dunno, it’s getting terrible reviews,” said yet another. “Yeah, but Ryan Reynolds is pretty awesome,” said a fifth. “True, true,” said a sixth man. And so everyone started walking off towards the movie theater.

Chapter 4 – A Critique of the Yogas of the Misguided Ones
“Oh, if I can just offer one last teaching in an extra chapter that’ll make this text feel a little awkward and disjointed,” Kṛṣṇa said to Arjuna as they walked, “There are three other schools of yoga that I think aren’t exactly good. Dhyāna yoga (meditation yoga) isn’t great because it requires you to shut your brain down, which I think is ill-advised. Brains are important. Karma yoga (action yoga) requires you to be a pious person, which, and you know me, is not something I’m real big on. Bhakti yoga (devotion yoga) requires you to be blindly devoted to me, but let’s be honest, I’m totally not worthy of devotion. I’m a drunk, I’ve accidentally smited people, I have a huge ego, and I’m a moron. If you really want, by all means, practice those yogas. I’m just saying, that personally, I think they’re not worth the time and effort.”

“Ok,” said Arjuna.

[StJason]

A Tale of the Noodlehisattva:

Once, there were two brothers who were monks. The elder was known for his kindness and wisdom. The other for his honesty, hard work, and attention to detail. Both lived a quiet life, contemplating the Mysteries of The Noodly One, and tending to their temple, a fine Portuguese Galleon wrecked upon the mountain top (the story of which is a good one, but not one which I shall tell here.)
One day, a traveler came to their temple, and having seen the solitude, the beautiful temple, and the complete collection of Collectable Silver-electroplated Memorial 50-states Strainer-spoons (Including the very rare, alternate Rhode Island spoon), immediately fell in love with the place. "I shall go and collect my family, to show them this place and your lives surrounded by quiet and beauty." the traveler said. "It is a very large family, and many shall be very impressed with your Galleon-Temple and especially your collection of spoons, for they are quite fine." and he left.
"Brother," the younger monk said. "I am somewhat worried at this visit. Our Galleon-Temple is not large and I wonder where we will find room for all these visitors."
"Do not worry, little brother." Said the elder monk "For Our Noodly Lord will find a way." And both monks fell into silent swabbing of the decks of the Galleon-Temple.

Two days later, the traveler returned with all his family. There were a great many of them, from the eldest (and quite senile) Great-Grandmother, to several grandparents, to a great many brothers and sisters and aunts and uncles. All of them seemed to have a wife or brother or partner or boyfriend or girlfriend, a few with multiples of them. And there were a great many children, all yelling and running and playing electronic handheld game devices, and listening to strange musics upon their personal digital music devices, and quite ruining the quiet contemplation that the monks were used to. They took many SUVs up the mountain to visit the Galleon-Temple, and they were loud and smelly and leaked oil upon the deck and mountainside.
"BROTHER!" Shouted the youngest over the hullabaloo "WHAT SHALL WE DO ABOUT THIS NOISE? I CAN BARELY HEAR MYSELF THINK, MUCH LESS CONTEMPLATE THE MYSTERIES OF THE GREAT NOODELED ONE!"
After much 'what?'-ing and repeating of the question (it was very noisy), the elder brother replied "DON'T WORRY! THE MONSTER WILL FIND A WAY!!"

The Traveler and his family spread across the mountain top, filling the Galleon-Temple and much of the surrounding space. Some slept in the SUVs. Others on the deck or the rigging of the Temple. Still others found rest in the galley and a few were found stretched out across the altar of the Flying Spaghetti Monster Himself.
"Brother" the younger monk whispered, for most of the people were sleeping "This is too many people. There are people sleeping in our Pesto garden and people sleeping where we simmer the sauce. I just now found a small child sleeping in our biggest Broiling Bowl. And now, we find them passed out upon the Image of The Noodlefather? This is too much!"
"Don't worry." Whispered the elder brother back "He Who Flies with Sauce will find a way."

In the morning, the Traveler and his family woke, and began asking for food. The brothers prepared what noodles they had, knowing that their supply was not nearly enough.
"Brother!" The youngest monk cried "Surely all these people will eat us out of all!"
"Keep serving, and don't worry. The Great Meatballed One will find a way." replied the older brother.
And though the line seemed endless, there was just enough to feed all the Traveler's family. The monks had to go without.

After cleaning up many, many, many bowls, the younger brother heard a crash from inside the Galleon-Temple. Upon entering, he perceived one of the youngest of the family had gotten up on a chair and had knocked over the collection of Silver-electroplated Memorial 50-states Strainer-spoons. Delaware was under the chair, and Oklahoma was clutched in one meaty fist, while the child had put Texas and Wisconsin into it's mouth and was chewing upon them.
This was too much for him to bear! So the younger brother took the spoons from the child, and marched it from the temple, collecting any of the family he came across. He collected the Uncle, the grandfather, and even found Great-Grandmother (who was staring blankly at a hawser swaying in the wind). He gathered all the family in one place and said unto them. "Look! You have come to our place and we have welcomed you with open arms. You have filled our peaceful place with loud beeping and corny pop music. You have eaten every bit of our food. You have shown no respect for our shrine. We have welcomed you here, but no more. You have worn out your welcome. Please leave."
And the Traveler's family did much complain. And many "Well, I never!"s were said, as well as "This place sucked anyway." and "What a rude little man.". But the family did disperse, and loaded all the cousins and uncles and grandchildren and electronic hand-held game devices and portable digital music players were loaded into the SUVs and were loudly driven down the mountain.
The last to leave was the Traveler. "I am sorry, I had meant this to be something special that I could share with those I loved." he said with tears in his eyes.
"I understand," said the youngest brother "But it didn't work out. I'm sure if my brother were here he would have something wise to say, but I don't know anything pithy. So get out." And so the Traveler did.
"Brother? Where did all our guests go?" Asked the older brother, emerging from the Galleon-Temple while wiping his hands on a dish towel (I told you there were a lot of bowls...)
"They have all left back where they came from." said the younger brother.
"There, you see? I told you that He would find a way." Said the older brother. And he put his arm around his brother's shoulder and they went inside.
"You know something brother?" Asked the younger as they went in "Sometimes, you are a real prat."

To those seeking wisdom, this must be known:
The Flying Spaghetti Monster helps those who help themselves.
Beware, not all collectible commemorative sets increase in value. Some go down.
Wisdom is wonderful, but where is the wisdom in letting yourself be taken?
You can mess with Texas. It is easy and has little repercussions, save for possibly being force-marched out of a temple.
You can feed a whole lot of people off just pasta. LOTS.

[Platypus Enthusiast]

omfsm StJason, that's brilliant. bravo sir.

[Roland Deschain]

That's really good, and with a few lessons at the end as well.