I submit this for the category of the Dao Bao Jing, or the East Asian Materials. I have three chapters thus far, though definitely have room for more. If anyone can suggest some topics I've missed for the Master to discuss, I can work that in, or if someone wants to write a chapter themselves, that'd be awesome as well, just try to keep the style similar enough. I do have a short last chapter, but it will of course go after any other chapters we write--Er, that is, translate.
Also, if something just isn't clear or seems suspicious, feel free to inquire and I might be able to re-translate it to be more clear.
1 In the Ancient Times, Lao Mein did teach the great knowledge of the True Noodle. 2 Eventually, he found that he could not achieve perfect union with the Flying Spaghetti Monster while part of civilization. 3 He decided he would retreat into the wilderness and never return. 4 As he was preparing to leave, his most devout followers cornered him, and they would not let them leave until their demands had been met.
5 “How can you leave us when we have so much left to learn?” they cried.
6 “You would not prevent me from seeking union with the Delicious Deity of the Universe, would you?” Lao Mein rebutted. 7 “I must retreat and meditate to perfect my religious duties. 8 This world of currency, government, and deception is too far from The Way Things Should Be for me to find the FSM here any longer. 9 One day, each of you will realize this, and you will have to choose to either follow my footsteps and join the Levitating Being of Starch in perfect harmony, or remain in this existence, yearning for a closer touch of His Appendage. 10 You will see, and it will be so.” 11 And his followers lamented.
12 “Alas, we cannot hold you here against your will. 13 To do so would be most offensive to the Noodly Way” they relented. 14 “But if you leave us, as you must, we will have no mentor, no spiritual guide. 15 Please, write down your teachings so that we may refer to them in our times of need and confusion.”
16 “I will grant this request, though a few details must be made clear” Lao Mein began. 17 “First of all, I am not infallible, and my writings neither shall be. 18 No one is without error. 19 Even the essence of the Universe itself, our Globular Master, imbibes excessively of the drink of intoxication and rube behavior, and performs with bad judgment and poor Appendage-Eyestalk coordination. 20 What I record for you will simply be that, things that I believe you should remember, and that should prove useful in times of need and confusion. 21 Secondly, know that words are entirely inadequate to relay the Truth of the Noodly Way. 22 For the Truth is a four course meal of various flavors, scents, and sensations. 23 Your ears and your eyes will fool you into thinking that you Know. 24 Be not wary of my words, they will help you. 25 You will see, and it will be so. 26 But keep in mind that our human communication is imperfect and cannot properly convey the sensations of Noodly Oneness. 27 Were I capable of cooking a meal that would transmit the True Noodle forever and never go bad and need to be thrown out, I would. 28 Alas, such immortal food exists only in Heaven.”
29 With that, Lao Mein commenced to dictate his teachings to his followers, who recorded it for themselves and their future generations to prosper from.
1 The truth of the Noodle is this, that the Flying Spaghetti Monster is the foundation of the universe. 2 The Meatballs are the core, around which and on all existence and life is possible. 3 The two are not the same, they are opposite and compliment. 4 Yet there is a little of one in the other, and they are of one whole. 5 They are Yin and Yang, the Dual Meatballs. 6 Which one is which, I can never remember. 7 It matters not which, for each and every are equal. 8 Left or Right, Light or Dark, Up or Down, Life or Death, Body or Spirit, Male or Female, Red wine or White wine, these are not stark distinctions. 9 Both each are one in the Cosmic Form of the Noodly Lord.
10 His Noodly Appendages encompass His Heavenly Orbs, and although such behavior has gotten him kicked out of many fancy restaurants and other decent public places, it is the adhesive that binds the world together in it's many variations and permutations. 11 Each thing in existence is touched by His Appendages and touches everything else as appendages of their own. 12 All action and change in the universe is made possible by the movements of his Appendages. 13 All change and action in the universe is that of the Great Noodly Oneness
14 His Eyestalks rise above all and see all and know all and cannot be escaped.15 For to be in the sight of the Flying Spaghetti Monster is to be beheld by the divine, it is not something one can avoid. 16 His Noodly Appendages are inescapable. 17 You will be touched. 18 Do not feel violated, though, for His is not a creepy touch. 19 The Flying Spaghetti Monster understands that “no means no.” 20 If you do not wish to receive The Heavenly Touch, then you shall not, though you will be the worse for it. 21 For only those who feel the Touch and taste the Noodle truly have their hunger satisfied.
22 This earth was created by the Noodly Appendages and their Holy Vibration, it is known. 23 First came the firmament. 24 The foundational land that all life must walk upon. 25 Next, the trees came to be. 26 The life that supports our life. 27 Finally, his favored creation came to exist. 28 The Midget, touched so much by His Infinite Appendages that he barely stood over three feet in height, for the forces of Noodly Love pushed him close to the earth, sustainer of all. 29 People today who are so tall as we are give proof to the decline of our civilization. 30 Were we more attuned to the Noodly Way, we might be touched more by the Appendages and pushed down such that we would not reach heights as our own. 31 Children, being more innocent, are touched more by the Appendages, and so are of proper height until they begin to be corrupted and increase in height.
1 Our hunger is the awareness of separation from the Divine. 2 It may be filled in a number of ways, sating the hunger more or less effectively depending on how they are perceived by the Believer. 3 The first and easiest is to partake of the Holy Food. 4 We feel our hunger for the Divine in our stomachs as a way to lead us to filling it with the Holy Food, it is no mistake. 5 Ultimately though, we may feel the hunger in other ways, or otherwise it will simply not be satisfied by merely partaking of the Holy Food. 6 Meditation and contemplation can lead to the Divine Noodle. 7 Alternatively, practicing the good works the FSM suggests us to do will help as well. 8 An act as simple as sharing the Holy Food with another will bring happiness and joy to both parties, and there where there is joy and food, there also will be the Eyestalks watching. 9 To achieve perfect union with the Flying Spaghetti Monster in life, however, is a much more difficult, arduous, and self-contradicting path that only the most dedicated devout might follow. 10 A much simpler path, for the lazier individuals, is to not worry about it and wait until death where perfect union awaits the righteous in Heaven.
11 For in Heaven, there is the Flying Spaghetti Monster. 12 In Heaven there also is the great Beer Volcano and Stripper Factory, pleasures for the righteous and less than righteous to embrace together. 13 Upon death the soul enters Heaven to consort with the Ancestors, Angel Strippers, and other beings of Heaven. 14 The Beer Volcano and Stripper Factory are there for all to enjoy, because really, what else would anyone do in an afterlife? 15 But focus not on the glories of Heaven, for it is simple fact, and needs little repeating. 16 It will matter not until death, so before then worry not. 17 Concern yourself instead with the joys and grievances of life, for that is all you can do. 18 The past is written, and the future is unwritten, but the present is the pen and ink. 19 The Great Noodle will take care of the future, as He has taken care of the past. 20 Therefore take care, for the present is in dire need.
21 Worry not on those things which you cannot change. 22 Change that which would cause worry. 23 Fear not the lie, but the liar, for truth is what you make of it, but the wicked will make it for you. 24 Those that professes to know, might not. 25 Those that appears to not know, might. 26 For in our imperfect nature, we can never know everything, though in our divine grace, we cannot know nothing. 27 Do not take from others, nor use them. 28 Beware of those who do, for they may next do so to you. 29 Cherish friends who are good, and scold those friends who are bad. 30 Take care that you act with grace and dignity. 31 Do these things, and you will find your hunger satisfied.
1 Thus concluded the teachings of Lao Mein. 2 When he had finished, he had one last message for his followers.
3 “Behold, the corrupt nature of this civilization that prevents me from Union with the Great Noodle is merely a combination of factors convening at a single point in time. 4 It is a transient state, and it will pass. 5 In the Future Times, the world will be purified, and I will return.”
6 The Master paused, then added “At least, I'm pretty sure that is how it's going to work. 7 Like, 90% confident, or so.”
8 Another pause, then: “Don't quote me on that.”
9 He left his followers in awe. 10 For though they were sad that their teacher had left them, they had his recorded knowledge and teachings, and hope that he would return. 11 Probably.
Every dead body that is not exterminated becomes one them, it gets up and kills. The people it kill get up and kill!
But if I stop bugging you I'll have to go back to arguing with Qwerty about whether beauty is truth and precisely what we both mean by 'purple'