Loose Canon Submissions - Prayer Book

Submit your scriptural writings for inclusion in the Loose Canon, and your tales of ancient FSM Lore, as well as any other FSM-related writing you may have.

Moderator: All Things Mods

Loose Canon Submissions - Prayer Book

Postby Platypus Enthusiast on Wed May 25, 2011 2:12 am

Ok mateys, so we at the Third Council of Olive Garden have begun thinking about putting together a second edition of the Canon. But we have restructured the way we're doing it to make compilation easier and more organized.

So this is the spot for prayers. And if you want, check out the First Edition of the Loose Canon here http://loose-canon.fsm-consortium.com/the-loose-canon/ for reference.
Check out an official Pastafarian holy book, the Loose Canon: http://loose-canon.fsm-consortium.com/the-loose-canon/

"With Him, All Things are Pasta-Bowl."
-ProvHerbs 3:35
User avatar
Platypus Enthusiast
Tortellini Third Mate
 
Posts: 350
Joined: Wed Nov 07, 2007 12:21 am
Location: New Jersey: The Spaghetti State

Re: Loose Canon Submissions - Prayer Book

Postby skyweir on Sun Aug 14, 2011 2:14 am

Possibly for the Book of Common or Garden Prayer-

The Apastale’s creed.


I believe in the Flying Spaghetti Monster as the literal Creator of all things; or as a nice creation myth espoused by Pastafarians; or as a bit of a giggle; or not really at all. And sometimes one of these, and sometimes another.

And that He gave us the substance of His being, the pasta and noodles and meatballs and sauces, as Holy Sustenance; or as a nice way of achieving Pastafarian togetherness; or as part of a balanced diet; or today I’d rather have fish and chips. And sometimes one of these and sometimes another.

I believe that Pirates were Holy peaceful seafarers, who gave candy to children, and have been demonized by the unbelievers; or that having to wear full pirate regalia (or at least an eyepatch) before discussing my religion is a wise precaution to prevent boredom in infidels; or that dressing up is fun; or I couldn’t really give a toss. And sometimes one of these, and so on.

And that beer is a Holy drink; or that it is nice with a rum chaser; or that containing ethanol, it’s OK; or that I really couldn’t look at it now with my hangover. And sometimes etc.

I believe that the Letter to the Kansas School Board was divinely inspired by the Touch of His Noodly Appendage; or that Bobby Henderson is really clever; or that the letter is at least as likely to be real as the moon landings; or I’m sorry, I don’t read other people’s mail. And etc.

I believe that the Blessed shall have eternal life in a Stripper factory surrounded by Beer volcanoes; or that such a place is a nice idea; or that I just like strippers and beer; or that I’ve decided to become a gay teetotalitarian.. Etc.

R’amen.
Vasco Pyjama asked Mr Curly: What is worth doing and what is worth having? Mr Curly replied: It is worth doing nothing and having a rest.
-- The Curly-Pyjama Letters
User avatar
skyweir
Fusilli Fuselier
 
Posts: 156
Joined: Wed Aug 10, 2011 10:57 pm

Re: Loose Canon Submissions - Prayer Book

Postby Tigger_the_Wing on Mon Aug 15, 2011 1:06 am

Nice, except for the last part ("or that I’ve decided to become a gay teetotalitarian").

I dislike it because:

    (a) no-one decides to 'become' gay; people who promote that myth have been responsible for creating a whole lot of misery and I would hope that no-one here would wish to be associated with it in any way; and
    (b) on a lighter note, the gender (or, indeed, species; they could even be robots) of the strippers is specified by the dearly departed, each to their own preference. Gay, straight, lesbian and bi-, trans- and a-sexual etc. all get what we wish for.

For instance, I am not a fan of nudity. I expect my stripper factory to turn out fully-clothed individuals who keep their clothes on; and then add more layers! :lech:
User avatar
Tigger_the_Wing
She Who Gets It
 
Posts: 4388
Joined: Wed Dec 17, 2008 7:44 pm
Location: Pyrate of the Canberrean

Re: Loose Canon Submissions - Prayer Book

Postby skyweir on Mon Aug 15, 2011 3:18 am

Good point. How about 'celibate teetotalitarian.' ?
Vasco Pyjama asked Mr Curly: What is worth doing and what is worth having? Mr Curly replied: It is worth doing nothing and having a rest.
-- The Curly-Pyjama Letters
User avatar
skyweir
Fusilli Fuselier
 
Posts: 156
Joined: Wed Aug 10, 2011 10:57 pm

Re: Loose Canon Submissions - Prayer Book

Postby Tigger_the_Wing on Mon Aug 15, 2011 3:42 am

A definite improvement! Shall we see what others here have to say about it as well?
User avatar
Tigger_the_Wing
She Who Gets It
 
Posts: 4388
Joined: Wed Dec 17, 2008 7:44 pm
Location: Pyrate of the Canberrean

Re: Loose Canon Submissions - Prayer Book

Postby Cardinal Fang on Mon Aug 15, 2011 12:53 pm

How about some mention that not only is the gender/ species of the strippers entirely decided by the dearly departed but also the beverage from the beer volcano.

As a Brit, although I am a great fan of beer (and especially real ales), there are many times when I'd much prefer a nice cup of tea. I believe that for me the beer volcano will provide darjeeling as well sometimes.

Something along the lines of "I believe that the Blessed shall have eternal life in a Stripper factory surrounded by Beer volcanoes; or that such a place is a nice idea; or that I just like strippers and beer; or that the beer and stripppers shall be entirely what the Blessed decide they fancy at that point; or that I’ve decided to become a gay teetotalitarian.. Etc"

CF
Image
Cardinal Fang's Python Site
http://www.cardinalfang.net


My contact e-mail address is FAKE.
To contact me, my email is "latinum" at "hotmail" dot "com".
User avatar
Cardinal Fang
Gramigna Grand Admiral
 
Posts: 1051
Joined: Sat Apr 07, 2007 7:46 pm
Location: A dungeon on Viltvodle VI

Re: Loose Canon Submissions - Prayer Book

Postby skyweir on Mon Aug 15, 2011 8:31 pm

Yes, something along those lines would work well!

As the structure of the creed is based on the first choice in each section parodying a 'fundie' approach, the second a more 'mainstream' approach, the third an 'ordinary' persons approach, and the fourth my random guess at a Monty Pythonish (or indeed QI) response, I suggest replacing "or that such a place is a nice idea" with say "or that the form and function of the beer and strippers shall be adjustable according to the tastes of the departed;". So the last section could read-

I believe that the Blessed shall have eternal life in a Stripper factory surrounded by Beer volcanoes; or that the form and function of the beer and strippers shall be adjustable according to the tastes of the departed; or that I just like strippers and beer; or that I’ve decided to become a celibate teetotalitarian.. Etc.

Anyone got something better for the last choice in section one? Maybe "or you've got to be kidding?"?
Vasco Pyjama asked Mr Curly: What is worth doing and what is worth having? Mr Curly replied: It is worth doing nothing and having a rest.
-- The Curly-Pyjama Letters
User avatar
skyweir
Fusilli Fuselier
 
Posts: 156
Joined: Wed Aug 10, 2011 10:57 pm

Re: Loose Canon Submissions - Prayer Book

Postby Almighty Doer of Stuff on Thu Aug 18, 2011 10:46 pm

No offense intended CF, but I think that addition makes it too clunky compared to the original, and that sentiment is reflected many times throughout the Canon already. I do prefer "celibate" to "gay" at the end though. Those are just my personal opinions, feel free to accept it unquestioningly as a mandate from someone with the decision making position in these matters. Or to tell me you like it and then ignore me behind my back, as though I won't notice when the end comes and the Loose Canon is finished. Or disagree with me on a friendly basis. Or tell me to sod off. :idiot:
!!!@#@#@#@#@!!! CAUTION: THIS PERSON DOES NOT KNOW WHAT HE IS TALKING ABOUT. DISREGARD ANY APPEALS TO AUTHORITY, EXPERIENCE, OR ROMANTIC PROWESS. ANY CORRECT INFORMATION YOU RECEIVE FROM THIS MAN IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL. !!!@#@#@#@#@!!!
-------------------------------
The Almighty Website of Stuff
-------------------------------
Download The Loose Canon, a deliciously holy book compiled by members of Our Noodly Lord's congregation!
-------------------------------
Image
User avatar
Almighty Doer of Stuff
Brewmeister
 
Posts: 1938
Joined: Sun Jul 22, 2007 8:13 am
Location: Massachusetts

Re: Loose Canon Submissions - Prayer Book

Postby The Dark Noodle on Sat Aug 20, 2011 5:46 am

The points about the output of the Beer Volcano and The Stripper Factory are address in

The Book of Penelope 3:21-27
"Well that seems decent of FSM but tell me why are there only cute guys and the occasional redheaded woman? I'm trendy but not everyone else is".
"It is because you are here. As with the beer volcano, so it is with the stripper factory. YOU and your desires dictate the out-put.... Why last year we had on guy who stood where you are standing and SHEEP (shorn of course) emerged from the factory".

But that is no reason to reinforce the idea in other Holy Text.

The nature of the output of the stripper factory I often use to trap those that accuse us of sexism, turning their claim round and pointing out they are the ones being sexist in assuming the strippers are scantily clad women.
The Dark Noodle
AKA - The Rev. Dr. Jo Freddie

The Book of Piraticus 12:1-3
I gave you brains, the ability to reason, and free will for a reason.
Please use them.
If I say something dumb, question it.
http://www.loose-canon.info/ - A really Important Collection of Words.
User avatar
The Dark Noodle
Cavatappi Cabin Boy
 
Posts: 81
Joined: Wed Feb 13, 2008 8:46 pm
Location: Council of The Olive Garden, The Rev. Dr. Jo Freddie

Re: Loose Canon Submissions - Prayer Book

Postby Rev. Daniel Scott on Wed Aug 14, 2013 9:35 pm

I have uncovered the text of the Hail Pasta prayer (through seer stones and grog and such)! Or I may have simply written them. Or there weren't any seer stones and I just stumbled upon them. I don't know at this point.

In keeping with our loose and flimsy standards, there are actually two versions that I uncovered (who knows how many float in the seas of marinara). Here they are.


Version 1:
Hail Pasta, full of noodles,
His Tentacles are with thee.
Blessed art thou among meals,
And blessed is the dressing upon you, marinara.

Holy Pasta, bringer of food,
Pray for us Pastafarians,
And for those who have not been touched by His Appendage.
R'Amen.


Version 2:
Hail Pasta, holiest of food
His Noodliness is of thee.
Blessed art thou among carbohydrates
And blessed is your common side-dish, bread sticks.

Holy Pasta, food for us all
Sustain us midgets
Until we eventually whither away.
R'Amen.
Pastafarian Doctoral Dissertation: Accepted

Completed Works:

Biblical
OP:
Ghettisis (CH 1-10 complete)
He Who is a Servant of FSM
Narwhal
Couscousum
Zozuniah
To Build or Not To Build
Covenant of Olive

NP:
Midas
Sailamon
2, 3 ParmaJohn
Jude's Kitchen



Confucian
Confusion Analects: Book I


~~~~~Qapla', sak-khet, saith.~~~~~
~~~~~~Finna ilian un atra du~~~~~
~~~~~~evarínya ono varda.~~~~~~
~~~~Mára mesta, Eywa ngahu.~~~~
~~(tlhIngan, Rihannsu, Quenya...)~~
User avatar
Rev. Daniel Scott
Bucatini Buccanneer
 
Posts: 298
Joined: Wed Jul 24, 2013 5:13 am

Re: Loose Canon Submissions - Prayer Book

Postby Rev. Daniel Scott on Wed Aug 14, 2013 9:37 pm

Our Noodliness prayer:

Our Noodliness,
Who twirls His Appendages,
Hallowed be Thy pasta.
Thy Noodles come,
Thy Parmesan be shaken,
On the mountain as it is in the sky.
Give us this day, our daily garlic bread,
And forgive them, the faithless,
As we forgive those who still condemn us.
But lead us not into overindulgence,
And deliver us from pastalessness.
R'Amen.
Pastafarian Doctoral Dissertation: Accepted

Completed Works:

Biblical
OP:
Ghettisis (CH 1-10 complete)
He Who is a Servant of FSM
Narwhal
Couscousum
Zozuniah
To Build or Not To Build
Covenant of Olive

NP:
Midas
Sailamon
2, 3 ParmaJohn
Jude's Kitchen



Confucian
Confusion Analects: Book I


~~~~~Qapla', sak-khet, saith.~~~~~
~~~~~~Finna ilian un atra du~~~~~
~~~~~~evarínya ono varda.~~~~~~
~~~~Mára mesta, Eywa ngahu.~~~~
~~(tlhIngan, Rihannsu, Quenya...)~~
User avatar
Rev. Daniel Scott
Bucatini Buccanneer
 
Posts: 298
Joined: Wed Jul 24, 2013 5:13 am

Re: Loose Canon Submissions - Prayer Book

Postby Rev. Rowan Redbeard on Wed Aug 14, 2013 10:08 pm

Apparently I put this in the wrong thread. Here it is in the correct one:


All Purpose Prayer:

O, Great Flying Spaghetti Monster,
Father of Fettuccini,
Mother of Meatballs,
The Alphredo and the Omega...

[insert general desire for decent fortune for you and/or others here, dependent upon the whim of the FSM of course]

RAmen.
—Captain the Reverend Lord C.S. Rowan, Lord of Glencoe, Minister of Pastafarianism, Gentleman Pirate

By reading this post, you agree that you are solely responsible for your reaction to it.
The poster takes no responsibility for any offense taken where none was meant.
User avatar
Rev. Rowan Redbeard
Prophet of Pastafarianism
 
Posts: 18337
Joined: Thu Jul 26, 2007 10:49 am
Location: Southern Oregon

Re: Loose Canon Submissions - Prayer Book

Postby TDKs on Wed Sep 04, 2013 4:19 pm

A quick blessing I use often, typed by my own fair fingers:

I hope that you can accept other people for who they are. I pray that given time and warmth, you can become flexible like the spaghetti, yet, like the spaghetti, still retain the full essence of what you are. You will be able to happily mingle in peace with all others in the colander of society, be they conchiglie or fusilli - I believe that one day you will understand your fellow man and find compassion for the souls of others.

We are all in the same pan. We are all of the same stuff, yet varied in shape and colour. I hope for a better future and understanding. We do not have hell, where I am from. We simply have justice, and peace.

R'Amen.



Also

As a Pastafarian minister, if you would like, I will bless your beer so that, in moderation, it will help bring you good health and relaxation. I'm specifying "moderation" because, whilst the FSM is awesome, he has not yet given me sufficient power to absolve hangovers. May you remember the magic art of pacing yourself also, so that you will avoid imagining you have created the entire of creation and end up sitting in the sea. (The FSM did that once. Actually made the firmament twice by mistake.)
Dragon tamer. For real.
User avatar
TDKs
Cavatappi Cabin Boy
 
Posts: 97
Joined: Thu Dec 22, 2011 2:44 pm


Return to Scripture and Lore

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests

cron