Loose Canon Submissions - Prayer Book

[Platypus Enthusiast]

Ok mateys, so we at the Third Council of Olive Garden have begun thinking about putting together a second edition of the Canon. But we have restructured the way we're doing it to make compilation easier and more organized.

So this is the spot for prayers. And if you want, check out the First Edition of the Loose Canon here http://loose-canon.fsm-consortium.com/the-loose-canon/ for reference.

[skyweir]

Possibly for the Book of Common or Garden Prayer-

The Apastale’s creed.


I believe in the Flying Spaghetti Monster as the literal Creator of all things; or as a nice creation myth espoused by Pastafarians; or as a bit of a giggle; or not really at all. And sometimes one of these, and sometimes another.

And that He gave us the substance of His being, the pasta and noodles and meatballs and sauces, as Holy Sustenance; or as a nice way of achieving Pastafarian togetherness; or as part of a balanced diet; or today I’d rather have fish and chips. And sometimes one of these and sometimes another.

I believe that Pirates were Holy peaceful seafarers, who gave candy to children, and have been demonized by the unbelievers; or that having to wear full pirate regalia (or at least an eyepatch) before discussing my religion is a wise precaution to prevent boredom in infidels; or that dressing up is fun; or I couldn’t really give a toss. And sometimes one of these, and so on.

And that beer is a Holy drink; or that it is nice with a rum chaser; or that containing ethanol, it’s OK; or that I really couldn’t look at it now with my hangover. And sometimes etc.

I believe that the Letter to the Kansas School Board was divinely inspired by the Touch of His Noodly Appendage; or that Bobby Henderson is really clever; or that the letter is at least as likely to be real as the moon landings; or I’m sorry, I don’t read other people’s mail. And etc.

I believe that the Blessed shall have eternal life in a Stripper factory surrounded by Beer volcanoes; or that such a place is a nice idea; or that I just like strippers and beer; or that I’ve decided to become a gay teetotalitarian.. Etc.

R’amen.

[Tigger_the_Wing]

Nice, except for the last part ("or that I’ve decided to become a gay teetotalitarian").

I dislike it because:

(a) no-one decides to 'become' gay; people who promote that myth have been responsible for creating a whole lot of misery and I would hope that no-one here would wish to be associated with it in any way; and
(b) on a lighter note, the gender (or, indeed, species; they could even be robots) of the strippers is specified by the dearly departed, each to their own preference. Gay, straight, lesbian and bi-, trans- and a-sexual etc. all get what we wish for.

For instance, I am not a fan of nudity. I expect my stripper factory to turn out fully-clothed individuals who keep their clothes on; and then add more layers!

[skyweir]

Good point. How about 'celibate teetotalitarian.' ?

[Tigger_the_Wing]

A definite improvement! Shall we see what others here have to say about it as well?

[Cardinal Fang]

How about some mention that not only is the gender/ species of the strippers entirely decided by the dearly departed but also the beverage from the beer volcano.

As a Brit, although I am a great fan of beer (and especially real ales), there are many times when I'd much prefer a nice cup of tea. I believe that for me the beer volcano will provide darjeeling as well sometimes.

Something along the lines of "I believe that the Blessed shall have eternal life in a Stripper factory surrounded by Beer volcanoes; or that such a place is a nice idea; or that I just like strippers and beer; or that the beer and stripppers shall be entirely what the Blessed decide they fancy at that point; or that I’ve decided to become a gay teetotalitarian.. Etc"

CF

[skyweir]

Yes, something along those lines would work well!

As the structure of the creed is based on the first choice in each section parodying a 'fundie' approach, the second a more 'mainstream' approach, the third an 'ordinary' persons approach, and the fourth my random guess at a Monty Pythonish (or indeed QI) response, I suggest replacing "or that such a place is a nice idea" with say "or that the form and function of the beer and strippers shall be adjustable according to the tastes of the departed;". So the last section could read-

I believe that the Blessed shall have eternal life in a Stripper factory surrounded by Beer volcanoes; or that the form and function of the beer and strippers shall be adjustable according to the tastes of the departed; or that I just like strippers and beer; or that I’ve decided to become a celibate teetotalitarian.. Etc.

Anyone got something better for the last choice in section one? Maybe "or you've got to be kidding?"?

[Almighty Doer of Stuff]

No offense intended CF, but I think that addition makes it too clunky compared to the original, and that sentiment is reflected many times throughout the Canon already. I do prefer "celibate" to "gay" at the end though. Those are just my personal opinions, feel free to accept it unquestioningly as a mandate from someone with the decision making position in these matters. Or to tell me you like it and then ignore me behind my back, as though I won't notice when the end comes and the Loose Canon is finished. Or disagree with me on a friendly basis. Or tell me to sod off.

[The Dark Noodle]

The points about the output of the Beer Volcano and The Stripper Factory are address in

The Book of Penelope 3:21-27

"Well that seems decent of FSM but tell me why are there only cute guys and the occasional redheaded woman? I'm trendy but not everyone else is".
"It is because you are here. As with the beer volcano, so it is with the stripper factory. YOU and your desires dictate the out-put.... Why last year we had on guy who stood where you are standing and SHEEP (shorn of course) emerged from the factory".

But that is no reason to reinforce the idea in other Holy Text.

The nature of the output of the stripper factory I often use to trap those that accuse us of sexism, turning their claim round and pointing out they are the ones being sexist in assuming the strippers are scantily clad women.