Loose Canon Submissions - The New Pastament

Submit your scriptural writings for inclusion in the Loose Canon, and your tales of ancient FSM Lore, as well as any other FSM-related writing you may have.

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Loose Canon Submissions - The New Pastament

Postby Platypus Enthusiast on Tue May 24, 2011 6:47 pm

Ok mateys, so we at the Third Council of Olive Garden have begun thinking about putting together a second edition of the Canon. But we have restructured the way we're doing it to make compilation easier and more organized. So anything written in the spirit of the New Testament can be submitted here. What I envisioned is stuff based on actual, real live Pastafarians and not fictional characters, but if you have something that doesn't quite fit that idea, then by all means, go for it. Also, if you want, check out the First Edition of the Loose Canon here http://loose-canon.fsm-consortium.com/the-loose-canon/ for reference.
Check out an official Pastafarian holy book, the Loose Canon: http://loose-canon.fsm-consortium.com/the-loose-canon/

"With Him, All Things are Pasta-Bowl."
-ProvHerbs 3:35
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The Gospel According to Thommo

Postby PastorDeGranoDuro on Tue Jun 14, 2011 7:57 am

The Gospel according to Thommo
Yobbo mate of Joe and Mezza

1.There was this bloke Joe, 2.a chippy from Jerusalem, 3.who had a really hot missus 4.called Mary, 5.although the crew just called her Mezza 6.most of the time. 7.Heaps of other blokes 8.tried to crack onto Mezza, 9.but she was pretty keen on Joe 10.so most of the time 11.they got a knockback. 12.Now Mez had a part time gig 13.at the local bottleo, 14.and was always up for the Sunday shift 15.because it was good money. 16.One Sunday arvo, 17.the FSM rolled out of the public bar 18.and rocked up to the drive thru counter 19.to pick up a few largies 20.for take aways. 21.Full of piss and bad manners, 22.the FSM saw His opportunity, 23.and decided to give it a swing 24.even though He knew Mez 25.was betrothed to His mate Joe.

26.“Zzzzcchhuck you’re hawwt, 27.wanna get it on *hic, 28.do ya put out?” 29.the FSM said, 30.before shotcreting his guts 31.across the drive thru entrance. 32.“Ohhh…ya naughty Monster..” 33.Mez replied. 34.“Ya know Joe will kick yer arse 35.if he finds ya crackin’ onto me love. 36.‘Ere, want some peanuts? 37.Whaddya want anyway?” 38.“Schhix sccchlargies a’ Resccch’s Real, 39.come on love, 40.schhould come back to mine aye, *hic, 41.got sschome schhick schoof at ‘ome too. 42.Berrer than Chhoe’s 43.schhedy crap *hic”

44.That did it for Mez. 45.If there was one thing 46.that pissed the girl off, 37.it was the shitty weed 38.that Joe used to bring home 39.from his trips to the pub. 40.So Mezza took a half hour early, 41.and headed off 42.back to the FSM’s place 43.for a few cones 44.and a bit on the side.

45.Anyhow, 11.30 rocked around, 46.and Mez hadn’t called 47.or texted 48.so Joe got a bit worried. 49.He turned up to the local 50.and the publican told him 51.that Mez had left 52.with the FSM 53.about two hours ago. 54.“That f%$#in’ bastard, 55.I knew it!” 56.Joe spat. 57.“I knew she was screwin’ around, 58.an’ I thought it was HIS NOODLYNESS 59.cuttin’ me f%$&in’ grass! 60.‘E better not get her pregnant, 61.or I’ll rip every one of 62.‘is noodles off and 63.shove the bastards up ‘is arse..”

64.So Joe rocks up to 65.the FSM’s scummy flat 66.above the porn shop, 67.kicks the door in 68.and finds the FSM 69.chock-a –block up Mez, 70.with a bottle of Resch’s 71.in one hand and a 72.joint in the other. 73.“What the hell are you doing,” 74.Joe yells 75.as he delivers an uppercut 76.to His Noodlyness’ jaw. 77.“Maaate, that’s me missus 78.for Christ’s sake,” 79.“Dude, ya broke me scoob man,” 80.“Chill, I’ll buy ya a few boxes 81.and we’ll be all square, how’s that?” 82.the FSM replies.

83.“But what if she’s pregnant? 84.Mate I should flog the crap out of ya aye. 85.Mate, if she is..86.she won’t do abortion, 87.so yer paying child support aye,” 88.Joe said. 89.“Yeah man, 90.she’s knocked up. 91.I know, I’m the FSM, 92.and I did a real job on her mate. 93.Broke her back I did.” 94.This was bad, 95.Joe didn’t want kids, 96.and was thinking of going into the mines 97.on a FIFO deal 98.to build a kitty up. 99.This completely screwed that…100.not only would his missus 101.backdoor him, 102.but he now had someone else’s kid 103.to worry about. 104.And the FSM was a man whore. 105.Bugger it.

106.So Joe accepts 20 boxes 107.of Crown Lagers, 108.a sack of really good 109.hydro 110.and a Holden 186 engine 111.to put in the ute 112.he was doing up. 113.And shit was all good 114.for a long time. 115.And nine months roll by.

116.A week before the big day, 117.Joe teed up the FSM 118.to book a birth suite 119.at the Jerusalem Public Hospital. 120.As usual however, 121.and unknown to Joe, 122.the FSM got hammered again 123.and forgot to book the suite. 124.So Joe and Mez hop into 125.the 120Y 126.and head off to the hospital. 127.On the way, 128.while stopping off at 129.the Bethlehem Nash 130.for a beer 131.Joe texts the FSM, 132.gets no reply as usual, 133.and is forced to call him 134.from a public phone 135.as he is now out of credit.

136.“Hey, d’ya book the room?” 137.Joe asked. 138.“Nah, crap, I forgot dude, sorry” 139.the FSM replied. 140.“Faark you’re hopeless,” 141.said Joe. 142.“Ya can’t be trusted, 143.ya drink piss like a Maori shearer, 145.yer totally unreliable 146.and that f$#%in’ engine ya gave me 147.is seized 148.ya ripoff bastard. 149.That’s it mate. 150.We’re done arsepick. 151.Ya can piss off 152.and ya can come get that 153.186 yourself ya prick. 154.No wonder Abraham told ya 155.to bugger off,” 156.Joe said. 157.In the meantime, 158.Mez had broken water 159.and the baby was coming. 160.“Faaark, what next?” 161.Joe thought.

162.“Look bruz, 163.I’m totally sorry man aye,” 164.the FSM said. 165.“Where are ya man, 166.I’ll get a cab and get there. 167.Hey, ya got any choof…?” 168.Joe completely lost it 169.at that point. 170.“My missus is dropping 171.YOUR kid, 172.and all ya can think about is smoko? 173.Yer a dead set loser mate aye. 174.I’m at a place called 175.Bethlehem, 176.near the race track. 177.Yu’d know where that is 178.‘cause if yer not pissin’ yer paycheck up the wall 179.yer runnin’ it through the tote.”

180.Anyhow, Joe couldn’t stuff around 181.because Mezza was just about to 182.drop the kid. 183.So he pulled the 184.120Y into the stables 185.at the track. 186.“Shit this ain’t bad, 187.better than my digs,” 188.Joe thought. 189.Joe found some nails 190.and a couple of four-by-twos 191.lying around, 192.and started knocking up 193.a quick cot to 194.put bubs in 195.while they waited for 196.their drunken god to turn up.

197.“Whaddya reckon ‘bout a name 198.sheila?” 199.Joe asked Mez. 200.“It’s the FSM’s kid, 201.let Him pick,”202. Mez said. 203.“Faark Him,” 204.Joe said. 205.“Nah, it’s His kid, 206.how about we name it 207.the first thing 208.that comes out of His mouth?” 209.Mary reckoned. 210.“Yeah, righto then,” 211.Joe said. 212.Just then all hell 213.broke loose 214.as the kid finally decided 215.it was time to 216.make a show. 217.“Push,” 218.Joe said to Mez. 218.“Whaddya think I’m doing, 219.bloody pilates 220.you moron?” 221.And after one 222.last push, 223.a fine young bloke 224.with a stork on him 225.just like the Noodly Appendage 226.of his real daddy 227.fronted.

228.Next minute the cab 229.pulled up out the front. 230.And out rolled the FSM, 231.late as usual 232.and pissed as a cricket. 233.Joe thought, 234.“right ya prick, this is it….” 235.And Joe let fly 236.with the biggest roundhouse kick 237.he could possibly let go, 238.as the FSM walked 239.through the door.

240.And the FSM, 241.doubled over in pain cried, 242.”Jesus Christ…”

The End
Of
The Gospel According To Thommo
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Re: Loose Canon Submissions - The New Pastament

Postby Eendje on Wed Jun 22, 2011 9:33 am

I think this is the right place for it. It's a tale, remarking on the dangers of people
who proclaim themself to be important, and use religion as an excuse for that.
It doesn't have verse numbers, I can add them if you want.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Know, all ye of the faith, that there is no power other then His Noodliness,
He Who Unites in Tomato Sauce, the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
Praise be unto His Noodly Appendage, a single touch of which will yield an
experience of religious extasy, unrivalled in this world.

For there lived a man once, in a land where people honoured the FSM, and ate
the sacred pasta on the Friday, and wore the pirate regalia, and could say
"ARRRGH!" in a truly magnificent fashion.

It came to pass one day, that this man, who was of a sinister and vilainous
nature, had his mind crossed by unholy thoughts of a most blasphemous nature.
For the man saw the people, who were happy, and easy of trust, and thought to
himself, "how easy would it not be, to deceive these ignorant people, and to
trick them into worshipping me?" For the man desired to be powerful over his
fellow men.

Being a carpenter by profession, the man fashioned himself a small stage, so
he could raise himself above the crowd, and he bought himself a long, white robe,
for it made him look aloof and dignified. And in the nights, when he was sure
nobody would spy on him, he bolted a small radio to the underside of his stage,
as well as a device of most intricate design, which could make the winds blow
around him in a most intriguing way.

And on a fine summer's day, the man took to the streets, and walked to the
local market. There, he placed his stage on the pavement, and stood upon it.
Even though it was barely a foot high, and creaked when he put his weight on
it, it raised him enough to be noticed from afar, and since he had let his hair
grow long and uncombed, and he wore his toga, he drew attention just by standing there.

"Hear me, good people, hear me!", the man cried.
"Hear me, for I bring tidings both grave and wonderful!"
"Long have you all be misled by this misbelief, this fallacy. Long have you
persisted in your erronous ways, and grieved the true Gods. Long have you
worshipped this false deity, this fantasy, the Flying Spaghetti Monster!"

"Look around you and despair! By your way of dress and way of speach you try
to impersonate that most degenerate of all creatures, the pirate! For 't is
the pirate who robs his fellow men, who burns their homes and rapes their women!
And yet you admire these actions and promote them with your unholy eyepatches!"

"And on the Friday, which should be a day of fasting, you eat that most disgusting
of foods, that earthworm-like cereal product, spaghetti. For it was for a good
reason, that the Gods made this despised nourishment look like entrails! And yet
you proclaim it is sacred, cover it with tomato sauce - which is a symbol for blood,
no doubt - and eat it!"

By this time, a few people had stopped, and stood in front of the box with the
shouting man, looking at him in a slightly puzzled way.

"Long have you committed these acts of blasphemy, and rejected the true way
to sanctity! But pay heed, for no longer shall the Gods allow these evil
deeds to continue unpunished! Beware, reent, or their revenge shall be terrible!"

The crowd in front of his box had now grown significantly, because more and more
people stopped, to try and see what all the other people were looking at.
Near the front stood a man, who felt slightly worried by the speaker's words.

He thought to himself:
"I'm not sure what this man's going on about, but that last bit sounds a bit
frightening. Maybe I'd do well to ask what he means, to see if it could mean
any harm to me."

And so he cried unto the speaker on the box:
"Sir, your words are worrying me greatly. Pray, explain what you mean by them.
What Gods do you speak of, and why are they displeased with us?"

The man on the box was greatly pleased. He knew he'd got some attention now,
and intended to make full use of that.

"This, good people, is exactly what I mean! This man has been led astray for
such a long time now, that he does not even remember the Gods! I beg you, do
not become like him, for he will surely end in a most horrible way!"

And the people thought by themselves:
"Look at that little man over there, that ignorant fool. How dare he question
the Gods like that? It's good that we're not like him, that we're better than him."

But from the front of the crowd spoke up a young woman:
"Who are you, who is so highly educated in the ways of the holy? Who are you
that you have been chosen by the Gods to enlighten us?"

And the man on the box answered:
"I am merely a prophet, of great humility and sobriety. Living in my cavern out
in the desert, I had a vision of a great rock rolling down toward a house, but
at the last moment, it bounced of a small pebble, and missed the house. Instantly,
I understood that I was to be that pebble, who would divert the wrath of the Gods,
and save the people."

"Now, let us pray to the Gods, to ensure that we will be saved."

And the prophet, as everyone now though of him, pressed a small button, so that
the ventilator fans built into his box started turning.

"Mighty Gods, hear me in my prayer!", he shouted.

As the wind started to blow around him, his robes fluttered, and swooped around him.
With the crowd being astonished by this, he activated the little radio beneath his box.

"WHAT DOST THOU CALL OUT FOR?", boomed a deep voice.

"Long have these people been led astray, and followed a path of folly. Now, they
have seen the error of their ways, and repent their behavior. I, your faithful
prophet, pray for their safety. Will they be unharmed?"

"SO IT SHALL BE. FOR THOU HAST SAVED THEM", said his radio. But the people, being
deeply impressed by the wind and the voice, believed it to be true.

All, except the same man who questioned the prophet at the start, and had by him
be proclaimed a heretic.

"Conjuror! Liar!", shouted the man. "You try to fool these good people with your
tricks and your Gods!"

But the prophet turned toward him with a face of anger and wrath.
"This heretic insults the Gods! He must be punished!"

And the people beat the man untill he passed out, and caried him out of the city,
into the desert, where they left him.

Thus the prophet gained power in the city. The people entered the holy restaurant,
and threw away the pasta and the sauce, and poured the beer down the gutter. And
they erected a large throne, and an altar in front of it, and they sat the prophet
onto the throne, and brought him foods and beverages each day by way of sacrifice
to the Gods. And nobody doubted these ways, for they knew that doubting it meant that
their faith was not strong enough, and they would surely perish.

At was at this darkest of moments, that His Noodliness the Flying Spaghetti Monster
finally took notice. Swiftly, he flew to the city, and revealed His presence to
the people. With one of his blessed Noodly Appendages he lifted the roof of the
newly redecorated temple, and with another, he grabbed the false prophet by his
feet and lifted him up high. And thus he spoke unto the people:

"Seriously, you all believed this jester? All he had was a posh talk and a few cheap
tricks, and you started worshipping him? You should have known better. For have I not
taught you to be like the pirate, who never follows any ruler without question?
Never accept what people tell you without proof, and never do what they tell you to
do without understanding why."

And he hit the prophet over the head with an empty beer bottle, causing severe amnesia,
and placed him back in his carpenter's shop, where he worked till the end of his days,
and since he had lost his white robe and his posh talk, nobody recognized who he had been.

The end.
You have arrived at the end of yet another one of my pearls of wisdom. If you still have any questions regarding the subject, please don't hesitate to ask your friendly neighbour or relative. Not me. Chances of me actually having an answer for you are very low indeed.
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Re: Loose Canon Submissions - The New Pastament

Postby Almighty Doer of Stuff on Thu Aug 18, 2011 10:03 pm

Wow! Great stuff, both of you! We on the Council love getting new, original scripture from people who aren't us, so I just thought I'd show my (delayed) appreciation after my (delayed) reading!

Keep it coming, mateys!
!!!@#@#@#@#@!!! CAUTION: THIS PERSON DOES NOT KNOW WHAT HE IS TALKING ABOUT. DISREGARD ANY APPEALS TO AUTHORITY, EXPERIENCE, OR ROMANTIC PROWESS. ANY CORRECT INFORMATION YOU RECEIVE FROM THIS MAN IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL. !!!@#@#@#@#@!!!
-------------------------------
The Almighty Website of Stuff
-------------------------------
Download The Loose Canon, a deliciously holy book compiled by members of Our Noodly Lord's congregation!
-------------------------------
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Re: Loose Canon Submissions - The New Pastament

Postby PastorDeGranoDuro on Fri Aug 19, 2011 8:20 am

No probs, Almighty, the Gospels of Jacko, Nige and Johnno are on their way, but I'll get this semester of engineering studies out of the way first. I enjoyed writing it (even though I thought it might be a bit harsh at first, thanks Platypus and Capellini for feedback), and Eendje's is a beauty too.

Ramen!
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Re: Loose Canon Submissions - The New Pastament

Postby The Dark Noodle on Thu Sep 01, 2011 4:48 pm

"The UnDoctrine of Shit" By The Rev. Dr. Jo Freddie.

Without going into the origins of the Universe or the nature of time as theories on those are covered by 3. & 4

1. Shit happens - We don't know why shit happens.
2. Human nature does not like not knowing why shit happens.
3. Humans invent shit to explain why shit happens.
4. Over time Humans work out new shit as to why some shit happens, this shit at times shows that the shit made up in 3. is wrong.
5. The people that believe the shit in 3. can get very upset by the shit in 4.
6. From time to time shit thought to be from 4. will be found to actually be from 3.

Conventional religion is stuck in 5. Pastafarianism accepts religion as clearly made up shit, so we invite people to make up new shit for ours and add to the Holy Text, with the proviso that it is funny shit and does not advocate stuff like stoning those that don't like our shit, killing the first born or taking all the virgins as slaves.
The Dark Noodle
AKA - The Rev. Dr. Jo Freddie

The Book of Piraticus 12:1-3
I gave you brains, the ability to reason, and free will for a reason.
Please use them.
If I say something dumb, question it.
http://www.loose-canon.info/ - A really Important Collection of Words.
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Re: Loose Canon Submissions - The New Pastament

Postby Platypus Enthusiast on Sat Sep 03, 2011 6:49 pm

Love it Eendje and well done JF. Also EEndje, does it have a name? and you can number it if you have the time, otherwise, we'll do it.
Check out an official Pastafarian holy book, the Loose Canon: http://loose-canon.fsm-consortium.com/the-loose-canon/

"With Him, All Things are Pasta-Bowl."
-ProvHerbs 3:35
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Re: Loose Canon Submissions - The New Pastament

Postby Almighty Doer of Stuff on Fri Mar 30, 2012 9:42 am

I just finished a new piece of scripture. I'm not sure how to classify it, but I hope you like it.

----------

Some Revelations As Recalled By The Almighty Doer of Stuff

1. And it came to pass that Our Noodly Lord, the Flying Spaghetti Monster, did get stupendously drunk one evening. 2. In his drunken state, he did see fit to appear quietly and unnoticed behind me in my bedroom, as I wore my full pirate regalia and read from Pastafarian scriptures. 3. Suddenly, he slapped a Noodly Appendage onto my left shoulder, and pointed another at the text I was reading, dripping tomato sauce onto my clothes, my texts, and my comfy armchair, and spake, 4. "Hey, hey, you kn... you know, I, I think you have some mighty fine taste in rea... re..." then hicoughed, and continued, "reading materials. I, I think you... you're a swell guy." 5. Then verily he did take another swig of rum, spilling some on my carpet.

6. Verily, I was startled and did jump out of my seat, and then, upon realizing that I was in the presence of the Great, Powerful, and Noodly Creator of All That We See and All That We Feel, muttered, "Oh, s~~~, I'm hallucinating." 7. I proceeded to my pill box on my bookshelf of holy texts to ensure that I had taken my antipsychotics as required, and finding that I did, reached for my cell phone and spake, "I need to call my psychiatrist."

8. However, The Lord spake, "Here, buddy, I'll do that f... for you, you just s... sh... sit down and rest, okay, buddy?" 9. He then took my phone with His Noodly Appendage, soaking it in tomato sauce, then dropped it on the floor. 10. He then picked it up again, dropped it again, and dropped a Mighty Meaty Meatball upon it, smashing it to pieces. 11. "Wait, wait, I, I can do this, wait," spake he, and attemped to dial at random upon the keypad, which was now severed from the phone.

12. Now understanding that I would have no reliable way of calling for help, I resigned myself to assuming what I was seeing was real, at least for the time being, and hoped that someone real would come to my aid. 13. I spake to the Lord, "No, it's okay, just put it down. 14. Why are you here? 15. Why did you choose to reveal yourself to me, of all people?"

16. And the Lord spake, "What, are my balls showing? Ha ha! Ha..." 17. And he did drain the remainder of his bottle of rum, and struggled to open another one, which he did procure from within the tangle of Noodles which was His Body.

18. I paid Him no heed, looked away, and attempted to direct my thoughts toward hot strippers. 19. I hoped this would cause what I thought was a hallucination to change into something more pleasant. 20. Nevertheless, he remained in my presence, and spake, "Hey, man, I'm sorry! 21. P... Please don't ignore me! 22. I didn't know you were such a sti... st... stick in the mud! 23. I came here because I thought you were my FFFFRIEND, man! 24. Hu... how could you treat me like this?! 25. You, you... WAAAAAAHH!" 26. He began wailing, tears of pasta sauce splattering over my walls, ceiling, floor, and everything in my bedroom, and he did drop his bottle of rum, spilling most of it.

27. "Okay, okay, I'm your friend and I'm sorry I ignored you," insincerely spake I, and he stopped crying. 28. "Why are you in my bedroom?"

29. The Lord did shudder slightly, and His eyes did point in different directions, and he spake, "I was attabardeh annehwah rurrrryfawn ebba guddebbar ummumphiphehh..." 30. He then did drink what was left in His spilled rum bottle.

31. Not understanding what He had said, I asked for clarification, to which He responded, "I wuzh addaburdeh annehwer rurrrr... urrr..." 32. The Lord did then vomit a profuse amount of smelly clam sauce and rum onto my rug. 33. "Shorry, ma... man..." spake He.

34. "Thanks for that," spake I with irritation. 35. "Now, what did you come here for?"

36. "Hhhhhhhaaave you efffer found yerself in a sit... sitchu... Szechuan... uh, situation," spake the Lord, "where no one seems to supperts yer, in what ya know is right fur... for you, an' they say you'll never suck..." 37. Here He hiccuped, and continued, "...succeed, an' you should gib... gibb... Barry... Maurrrr... give up, and do what they think you should do?" 38. He did open another bottle of rum and began to drink of it.

39. My guard dropped when He spake this, and I spake in response, "Why, yes, I find myself in that situation quite often. 40. It's really frustrating, and I often feel hopeless."

41. "Well," spake He, "don... donut... do not get frestrated, because it ain't worth it. 42. If yeh've thought about it a whole lot, an' yur reeeeeeeeeeeally sure of it, an' yeh know it's wot yew need fer yerself, then gather what suppert you can, an' there's almost always someone who'll support you, nobody's really alone and there's nothing new under the sun and all that shi..."

43. He paused for about fifteen seconds before I spake, "Go on."

44. "What was I saying?" spake He.

45. "Nobody's really alone and there's nothing new under the sun..." reminded He I.

46. "Right," spake the Lord. 47. "Nothing new under the sky, an' keep those supporters close, and just keep press... press-gang... pressing forward, and get what's yours. 48. It's not in the nature of pirates to just give in to societal norms. 49. That's what makes them pirates, and you, you... you look like a pirate, man. 50. Bad-ass."

51. What He just spake unto me heartened me greatly, and I began to smile. 52. "What else can you tell me? 53. I wish to know more," spake I.

54. "Oh, okay," spake the Lord, finishing His bottle of rum and openning yet another. 55. His rum supply did seem endless, indeed. 56. "Porno is fggghhghgin' aweshome, dude."

57. Although I was disappointed by this latest revelation as compared to the previous thoughtful and enlightening one, I pressed for more Noodly Wisdom.

58. "Alright then," spake He, "how's this? 59. You're takin' my advishe now, but tha'ss t' be espected, 'cause I'm God an' all. 60. But take other mortals's advice too sometimes. 61. Not everyone has good advise or should be lissent to, but yeh should learn who you can trust an' who yeh cannot, an' do yer own research an' everythin', and if something turns out to make sense, don' just go with yer gut an' ignore everyone. 62. Like I said, there's nothing new under the planets. 63. Annyway, yer gut only tells yer what yer emotions and hunger an' constipation are. 64It don't give no wisdom, man. 65. In short, always use yer head, and don't pretend you know everyfing. 66. I'm not shurr if that good avice, 'cause I'm sloshed an' all, but you're the one who asked for it."

67. The Lord then did finish His bottle of rum, and did then extract a bottle of fine Italian limoncello from amidst His Noodles, and began drinking. 68. "Limoncello? 69. I thought you'd be drinking more rum," spake I.

70. He did spit limoncello in my face, presumably accidentally. 71. "What, I have to drink rum all the time? 72. I love limoncello," spake He. 73. Anyway, you know what tthey say..."

74. "No, I don't," puzzled I.

75. He spake in a serious tone, "Candy's dandy, but liquor every day an'd she'll love yeh ferever. 76. THAT'S some damn fine wisdom for you."

77. "Uh, thanks," spake I.

78. He finished his limoncello and spake unto me, "There's one last piece of wisdom I think I really should tell you. 79. It's really important, I tell you."

80. Spake I, "What is it, Lord?"

81. "You know, sometimes you she a strange dog when you're walking down the shreet," spake He. 82. "You know what to do when that happenzh, right?"

83. "Keep your distance, or if it's with its owner and the owner says it's okay, approach slowly and carefully, watching the dog's body language for signs of aggression," answered I.

84. "Wrong, asshole," spake he. 85. "Ye walks straight up to it, put yer hands around its throat, and STRANGLE THE FRIGGIN' BEAST!" 86. He began screaming, flying in circles and flailing His Noodles all about, knocking things off my shelves and breaking my glass and ceramics. 87. "WRING HIS GODDAMN NECK! 88. CHOKE THE LIFE OUT OF THAT DAMNED DOG, IGNORING HIS OWNERS CRIES OF ANGER AND FEAR! 89. IGNORE THEIR CRIES FOR HELP! 90. JUST KILL THE DAMN THING! FRIGGIN' DOGS, ALWAYS TRYIN' TO BITE MY BAWLS!" 91. He did pull out two bottles of rum, smash the necks of Montresor style, and chug them both simultaneously. 92. He threw the bottles at the wall, and began to weep. 93. "There's a reason why we have ship's cats and not ship's dogs. 94. Ship's cats eat the rats, but ship's dogs eat your food and try to jump overboard for a friggin' swim, 'cause they're damned stupid. 95. I HATE those damned rabbits."

96. At long last, the Lord did pass out on my bed, and after about an hour I did attempt to sleep on my sauce-covered armchair. 97. I eventually did succeed, and dreamed uncomfortable dreams. 98. In the final dream, I found myself on the slopes of the Beer Volcano, and the Lord, who had a very bad hangover indeed, did speak to me, "Dude, I'm sorry about last night. 99. I was at a party and I got carried away, and they told me to go sleep it off somewhere, and I guess your place just looked convenient, or something. 100. I don't know. 101. I'll fix your room for you. 102. Have faith!" 103. Then I did wake up, and my room was as normal, with the sauce cleaned up, and that which was broken was repaired.

104. To this day, I do not and cannot know whether what I recall actually transpired. 105. I feel compelled to relate it to you all regardless, for perhaps it will have some significance.

106. Have faith!

107. Ramen!
!!!@#@#@#@#@!!! CAUTION: THIS PERSON DOES NOT KNOW WHAT HE IS TALKING ABOUT. DISREGARD ANY APPEALS TO AUTHORITY, EXPERIENCE, OR ROMANTIC PROWESS. ANY CORRECT INFORMATION YOU RECEIVE FROM THIS MAN IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL. !!!@#@#@#@#@!!!
-------------------------------
The Almighty Website of Stuff
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Download The Loose Canon, a deliciously holy book compiled by members of Our Noodly Lord's congregation!
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Re: Loose Canon Submissions - The New Pastament

Postby Alien Soda Jerk on Fri Mar 30, 2012 12:11 pm

Hahaha! This story womps ass! For a tale that took place only in a bedroom, a lot of interesting things happened in it. And your drunken speech humor was excellent. Awesome!
:fsm_rock:
Avast Earthlings! This salty space bug done lexicon'd 3 tales:
- The Tale o' Pirate Lass Pici
- ARadiatori: Or the Gospel of the Kitchens
- The Chef of Star Kitchen Outpost
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Re: Loose Canon Submissions - The New Pastament

Postby Almighty Doer of Stuff on Fri Mar 30, 2012 12:29 pm

Thanks! Considering I've ever only been slightly tipsy once, I wasn't sure it would come out right. It helps that I live with a recovering alcoholic who likes to pretend he's drunk for humorous effect. I took a lot of inspiration from him.
!!!@#@#@#@#@!!! CAUTION: THIS PERSON DOES NOT KNOW WHAT HE IS TALKING ABOUT. DISREGARD ANY APPEALS TO AUTHORITY, EXPERIENCE, OR ROMANTIC PROWESS. ANY CORRECT INFORMATION YOU RECEIVE FROM THIS MAN IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL. !!!@#@#@#@#@!!!
-------------------------------
The Almighty Website of Stuff
-------------------------------
Download The Loose Canon, a deliciously holy book compiled by members of Our Noodly Lord's congregation!
-------------------------------
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Re: Loose Canon Submissions - The New Pastament

Postby Almighty Doer of Stuff on Fri Mar 30, 2012 2:46 pm

I forgot to mention, Bill Cosby's descriptions of winos in his comedy also gave me inspiration. It was mostly those two sources. I've never really been amused by anyone else's drunk jokes.
!!!@#@#@#@#@!!! CAUTION: THIS PERSON DOES NOT KNOW WHAT HE IS TALKING ABOUT. DISREGARD ANY APPEALS TO AUTHORITY, EXPERIENCE, OR ROMANTIC PROWESS. ANY CORRECT INFORMATION YOU RECEIVE FROM THIS MAN IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL. !!!@#@#@#@#@!!!
-------------------------------
The Almighty Website of Stuff
-------------------------------
Download The Loose Canon, a deliciously holy book compiled by members of Our Noodly Lord's congregation!
-------------------------------
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Re: Loose Canon Submissions - The New Pastament

Postby Alien Soda Jerk on Fri Mar 30, 2012 3:10 pm

Haha, and you emulated it expertly. I personally don't drink at all myself, but have also seen real-life examples and you nailed it. Drink up me hearties yo ho! :drinking:
Avast Earthlings! This salty space bug done lexicon'd 3 tales:
- The Tale o' Pirate Lass Pici
- ARadiatori: Or the Gospel of the Kitchens
- The Chef of Star Kitchen Outpost
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Re: Loose Canon Submissions - The New Pastament

Postby ET, the Extra Terrestrial on Sun Apr 01, 2012 9:55 am

Now that's a funny bit of writing. Good one, ADoS. :haha:
"Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens."
("Against stupidity, the gods themselves contend in vain.")
-- Friedrich Schiller (1759–1805)
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
-- Philip K Dick

OK, now let's look at four dimensions on the blackboard.
-- Dr. Joy

English isn't much of a language for swearing. When I studied Ancient Greek I was delighted to discover a single word - Rhaphanidosthai - which translates roughly as "Be thou thrust up the fundament with a radish for adultery."
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Re: Loose Canon Submissions - The New Pastament

Postby Nef Yoo BlackBeard on Mon Apr 23, 2012 2:11 am

Tha book ove nefyoo

um um hokay dis no me fissil book
me fissil book inna piwit sexsin
um
uh



tommawa gunna b me burfday
I be free !
I fink .
cabin boy fir hyer. jyint hat no hextra charj.
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Re: Loose Canon Submissions - The New Pastament

Postby Almighty Doer of Stuff on Wed May 16, 2012 10:28 am

Here's a parable. It's not based on something from the Bible, but it's based on a modern parable frequently featured in Christian sermons that seems to be quite popular

The Parable of Flood Survivalism
by The Almighty Doer of Stuff

1. On one warm, sunny afternoon, a young man was relaxing in a lounge chair on his front porch, and he felt so peaceful that he fell asleep. 2. He slept for several hours, until he awoke in the middle of the night to the beating of the rain upon his sun hat. 3. Reluctantly, he got up out of his lounge chair and started to go inside his house. 4. However, he stopped when a bus pulled up in front of his house.

5. "Hey, you there! You should come with us," said the driver of the bus. 6. "Haven't you heard? 7. There's a hurricane brewing! 8. There's going to be flooding above the rooves of our houses! 9. The town is being evacuated, so you should come with us!"

10. "No," said the young man. 11. "I think I'll pass. 12. My God will save me."

13. "Suit yourself, loony," said the bus driver, and he drove off.

14. The flood waters rose up above the first floor, so the young man moved up to his second story window. 15. A small boat with two people in it floated up to the window, and one of them said, "I see you missed the warning like we did. 16. Get in, there's room for one more!"

17. "No thanks, my God will save me," said the young man.

18. "Are you sure about that? 19. Good luck with that, dude," said the man in the boat, and they floated away.

20. The flood waters rose up above the second floor, so the young man moved up to the peak of his roof. 21. A rescue helicopter flew up above the house, and a woman with a megaphone shouted down to the young man, "Quick! 22. Grab this ladder and climb up! 23. We'll take you to safety and give you any medical treatment you need!"

24. But the young man held his ground. "I don't want to," he said. 25. "My God will save me!"

26. The woman in the helicopter shouted, "Are you insane?! 27. You're going to die!"

28. "No, I'm sure of it," said the young man. "My God shall surely save me!"

29. The pilot said to the woman, "Forget him, we have other people to save!" 30. The helicopter flew away in search of other people in need of rescuing.

31. The flood waters rose up to the peak of the roof, and the young man's feet were submerged in water.

32. A beam of light pierced through the clouds, and Yahweh the Father appeared before the young man. 33. He said, "Child, have you not read My Bible? 34. I made it clear that My people are not to test Me, or they shall surely perish! 35. I sent you a bus, a boat, and a even a helicopter to save you, and you refused the opportunity to be saved. 36. Now the flood waters will rise above your head, and you shall drown! 37. I shall wait for you at the gates of My eternal kingdom."

38. "I'm not worried," said the young man. 39. "I wasn't waiting for You. 40. I was waiting for MY God, and He shall surely save me."

41. Yahweh the Father became angry, and said, "You shall have no other gods before Me. 42. I have commanded all the people of the world to obey that law. 43. You SHALL drown, and you shall be tormented in eternal hellfire!"

44. "I'm still not worried," said the young man.

45. "We shall see," said Yahweh the Father, and He left the young man where he was.

46. The flood waters rose up above the young man's head, and he began to tread water. 47. Even as he grew tired and began to struggle, he did not lose faith in his God.

48. Just as his strength began to fail, he heard a sound of laughter, and saw a large, wooden ship crossing the horizon at a good clip. 49. It reached him quickly, and the crew threw down a rope just before the young man would have sunk into the water and drowned. 50. The young man grabbed the rope, and as they pulled him aboard, he looked up and saw that the ship was flying the Jolly Roger!

51. Indeed, the young man was a loyal Pastafarian, and his God, the Lord Flying Spaghetti Monster, had sent him the best kind of help at the last moment.

52. Have faith, especially suicidally blind faith, and Ramen!
!!!@#@#@#@#@!!! CAUTION: THIS PERSON DOES NOT KNOW WHAT HE IS TALKING ABOUT. DISREGARD ANY APPEALS TO AUTHORITY, EXPERIENCE, OR ROMANTIC PROWESS. ANY CORRECT INFORMATION YOU RECEIVE FROM THIS MAN IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL. !!!@#@#@#@#@!!!
-------------------------------
The Almighty Website of Stuff
-------------------------------
Download The Loose Canon, a deliciously holy book compiled by members of Our Noodly Lord's congregation!
-------------------------------
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