The Nameless Lurking Abomination From the Stars
by HP Hovercraft
It was during the course of my mathematical studies that I chanced upon Captain Willyum Bonney in the accursed rear chamber of that unspeakable eldritch establishment The Admiral Benbow.
My studies had led me to believe that certain dread passages in the fearful pages of the Necroplankicon could open dreadful passageways to the outer realms -- but only if one knew how to pronounce them.
I had spent years of toil working through those terrible pages -- even the briefest glance through those unspeakable stories invoked Azplankeroth, the bringer of comas -- and I had at last distilled what I believed to be the dreadful incantation that would open up terrifying vistas of an otherworldly reality. But how to prounounce these words? That was the question I was wrestling with, when I heard a voice at my shoulder.
"Arrrgh! Zit churrbee takkin?"
"Sorry?" I said. "I didn't quite catch that."
"Churr," said the stranger. "Izzit tekkin?"
I shook my head, bewildered.
"Churr!" he said pointing at the chair.
I was still unsure what this strange individual wanted, so I smiled and nodded at him. He immediately sat down and signalled for the landlord to come over.
"AAAAARRRGGGHHH Oi beaneeden er play terott grubb treet roitaway ana tankyarder groggter warshit daahn!"
Incredibly, the landlord nodded, scribbled something on his notepad, then hurried to the bar to carry out the order. I chased after him; "Heavens preserve us," I exclaimed. "Don't tell me you actually understood what that poor wretch was saying?"
"I'm afraid not, sir." replied the landlord. "That is Mad Willyum Bonney. Noone can make out what he's actually saying, but he always orders the same thing every day."
I returned to my seat, and was transfixed as a continuous stream of incomprehensibility issued forth from the strange pirate Captain. Unhuman, jaw breaking vowels and gutteral combinations of unutterable consonants flowed from his never empty well of eldritch meaning. A sudden thought grabbed me: perhaps here was the man who could pronounce the forbidden incantation! I thrust a parchment under his nose;
"My good man," I said. "Can you pronounce this word?"
"N'gfzq" said the Captain.
My hands were shaking. "Please," I said. "Can you read this paragraph aloud?"
"Ia! Ia! Panzonn ffyre! Ick binnen e'yn burll'innarr! Cthulhu izza p'ahnzee..."
Suddenly, I felt at one with the cosmos. I joined Willyum Bonney in chanting the deadly syllables.
The room began to spin. I felt weightless, no longer tethered to the earth. Before me, a huge misshapen maw opened and expelled a warm liquid over me. I was being pulled to my feet by many hands, and I knew that my soul was lost for all time...
When I came to, I was in the gutter outside the Admiral Benbow covered with spew and with a fearful headache. I called to the landlord for assistance, but he leaned out of the window and said "Sling yer 'ook. I've never heard such a row as that singsong you an' Bonney was 'aving. And the mess ye made o' the toilets! Yer barred -- that's what yer get fer drinkin' with that mad bastid."
I got to my feet. The fools, I thought. They knew not the power that was unleashed in this establishment this very evening. I would find another tavern and continue my studies tomorrow.