The monisters handbook

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The monisters handbook

Postby Cap'n Tedward on Thu Apr 25, 2013 5:44 am

Having performed two pastafarian weddings, a pastafarian funeral, and a "baptism" with marinara, I feel as though I have come to my full as a pastafarian minister (monister?). However, I feel as though the community has ignored the position for what it truly can be. I played the weddings kinda fast an loose, borrowing prayers and hymns from the Loose Cannon; I improved the entire funeral and I'm not sure where I read about the "great suck". Frankly it's all piecemeal.

With all due tongue-in-cheek respect to the efforts of the Loose Cannon crew, I feel like an actual guide for people who have become ordained but do not posses good stagecraft or improv skills might be in order. Pastafarian monisters get called in the place of (typically) christian ministers to fulfill serious roles. At funerals, weddings, and other major social events, the Irreverent can bridge the gap between the other religions and the desires of pastafarians, atheists and agnostics.

And I'm not saying that there wouldn't be room for some fun, far from it. But a smattering of wedding procedures ranging from the sit-com shorty to the Pastafarian version of the Great Mass would give Monisters a basis from which to launch their own personalized campaign. And for funerals, well I'll let this quote inspire you:

You want a physicist to speak at your funeral. You want the physicist to talk to your grieving family about the conservation of energy, so they will understand that your energy has not died. You want the physicist to remind your sobbing mother about the first law of thermodynamics; that no energy gets created in the universe, and none is destroyed. You want your mother to know that all your energy, every vibration, every Btu of heat, every wave of every particle that was her beloved child remains with her in this world. You want the physicist to tell your weeping father that amid energies of the cosmos, you gave as good as you got.

And at one point you'd hope that the physicist would step down from the pulpit and walk to your brokenhearted spouse there in the pew and tell him/her that all the photons that ever bounced off your face, all the particles whose paths were interrupted by your smile, by the touch of your hair, hundreds of trillions of particles, have raced off like children, their ways forever changed by you. And as your widow rocks in the arms of a loving family, may the physicist let him/her know that all the photons that bounced from you were gathered in the particle detectors that are her/his eyes, that those photons created within her/him constellations of electromagnetically charged neurons whose energy will go on forever.

And the physicist will remind the congregation of how much of all our energy is given off as heat. There may be a few fanning themselves with their programs as he says it. And he will tell them that the warmth that flowed through you in life is still here, still part of all that we are, even as we who mourn continue the heat of our own lives.

And you'll want the physicist to explain to those who loved you that they need not have faith; indeed, they should not have faith. Let them know that they can measure, that scientists have measured precisely the conservation of energy and found it accurate, verifiable and consistent across space and time. You can hope your family will examine the evidence and satisfy themselves that the science is sound and that they'll be comforted to know your energy's still around. According to the law of the conservation of energy, not a bit of you is gone; you're just less orderly.


So, does this seem like a worthy cause? Are other Monisters interested in such an idea?
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Re: The monisters handbook

Postby Cardinal Fang on Thu Apr 25, 2013 12:50 pm

Having a monister's guide book sounds like a great idea.

I like the idea of having suggestions for any occasion, from short-and-daft, to more serious. I think they should stay as guidelines, in the same vein as the 8 IRRYD's - suggestions rather than cardinal rules.

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Re: The monisters handbook

Postby Cap'n Tedward on Thu Apr 25, 2013 1:08 pm

Exactly. But with a mind that not everything needs to be tongue in cheek with it, we could, no should, have at least one serious version of each of the ... rites? events? As well as a more light hearted pasta version or two.
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Re: The monisters handbook

Postby Roy Hunter on Thu Apr 25, 2013 4:57 pm

The Humanist Society published a book of wedding ceremonies (anonymised, of course) to offer people guidance in writing their own ceremonies and vows. I had a copy from which we wrote our own ceremony and vows, but when PantyGnawer was getting married a few years back I sent it to his good lady and him to help them write their own ceremony.

It's a great idea to offer guidance, suggestions and examples; but I also think that it is important that we don't write a proscriptive book of rules and procedures. People want control of their own weddings, baptisms / pastisms, even funerals. I think a Monister's handbook is a great idea, but I think it should open people's minds to ideas to create their own personal ceremony, rather than dictating what their Pastafarian ceremony will sound like.

I was at a funeral last week. The music for the committal was Jimi Hendrix' Voodoo Chile (Slight Return). That little detail made the difference between a po-faced Christian "we are all gathered here to be closer to God... (No we're not - we're all here to say goodbye to Big George the guitar hero...)" ceremony, and a joyous celebration of a man's life.

I think Pastafarians could make a difference by making people think outside the box a bit more: how much of the couple is in this marriage ceremony? How much of your Mum / Dad / loved one is in this funeral? Don't get me wrong, there's still room for the 8 IRRYDs, midgits, pirates and botched drunken acts of creation; but we really have an opportunity to enable people, to empower people, to be very honest about themselves.

When my wife and I wrote our own ceremony, we were crapping ourselves about what we were writing about ourselves and our families and friends; but on the day (and for years afterwards in some cases) lots of people told us it was one of the most honest and personal wedding ceremonies they had ever heard. It takes a bit of courage to do that, and I think Pastafarian Monisters could guide people to create ceremonies that are so moving and powerful that they knock a church wedding or funeral right out of the water.
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Re: The monisters handbook

Postby Cap'n Tedward on Thu Apr 25, 2013 5:14 pm

Okay, so it sounds like we have at least a nice vocal minority. and we all seem to be on the same page. So, A la Loose Cannon style, I'm going to open up a couple of threads to cover some typical ceremonies.
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Re: The monisters handbook

Postby Cap'n Tedward on Thu Apr 25, 2013 5:27 pm

Okay, I've posted a submissions thread for Weddings and Funerals. Have at.
Also, what other events should we try to cover?
Jail visitation?
Baptism?
Rites of passage (Bar mitsvah, et al)?
General weekly mass/gathering/strip club crawl/keel haul?
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