Humor in the written word ..

This board is NOT restricted access. Keep that in mind when you post.

Moderator: Other Stuff Mods

Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby PKMKII on Wed Jun 05, 2013 1:25 am

Modern psychological disorders:

Domi Buxum Muneris Paranoia Syndrome.

A condition that afflicts people too cheap to get HBO and so wait for the DVD box sets of HBO shows to come out. Sufferers develop a fear of spoilers that inhibits their ability to interact with the outside world. Mild, beginning stages of DMBPS include inability to go onto any websites dedicated to the show. As the disease progresses, sufferers stop visiting general entertainment websites, followed by news sites, social media sites, e-mail, and eventually the entire Internet. Severe cases see sufferers shutting out all television and printed media, and sometimes blocking out all social interaction.

Symptoms include refusal to look at that funny thing you found on the Internet, and plugging their ears and yelling "LA LA LA LA" when the words "stark" or "boardwalk" are mentioned.
"How is it that hardly any major religion has looked at science and concluded, 'This is better than we thought! The Universe is much bigger than our prophets said, grander, more subtle, more elegant. God must be even greater than we dreamed'? Instead they say, 'No, no, no! My god is a little god, and I want him to stay that way.'" - Carl Sagan

"To doubt everything or to believe everything are two equally convenient solutions; both dispense with the necessity of reflection." - Henri Poincaré
User avatar
PKMKII
Senior New York Correspondent
 
Posts: 10805
Joined: Wed Jan 14, 2009 6:13 pm
Location: Where the Sun don't shine

Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby black bart on Wed Jun 05, 2013 7:08 am

pieces o'nine wrote:A man is trying to cross the street. As he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him. The man walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes lanes and is still coming at him. So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again and is still coming at him. By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he just freezes and stops in the middle of the road. The car gets real close, then swerves at the last possible moment and screeches to a halt right next him. The driver rolls down the window. The driver is a squirrel.

The squirrel says to the man, "See, it's not as easy as it looks, is it?"


:lol: ^Best Squirrel joke ever?

How long does it take a Mexican dog to change a light bulb?

Chiwawas.
The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.
User avatar
black bart
Resident Weevil
 
Posts: 25876
Joined: Wed Sep 21, 2005 6:56 am
Location: London

Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby black bart on Wed Jun 05, 2013 7:10 am

PKMKII wrote:Modern psychological disorders:

Domi Buxum Muneris Paranoia Syndrome.

A condition that afflicts people too cheap to get HBO and so wait for the DVD box sets of HBO shows to come out. Sufferers develop a fear of spoilers that inhibits their ability to interact with the outside world. Mild, beginning stages of DMBPS include inability to go onto any websites dedicated to the show. As the disease progresses, sufferers stop visiting general entertainment websites, followed by news sites, social media sites, e-mail, and eventually the entire Internet. Severe cases see sufferers shutting out all television and printed media, and sometimes blocking out all social interaction.

Symptoms include refusal to look at that funny thing you found on the Internet, and plugging their ears and yelling "LA LA LA LA" when the words "stark" or "boardwalk" are mentioned.


That would be amusing if it wasn't for the fact that I am only up to episode 3 of Game of Thrones and there was a feature in the newspaper today showing 3 of the main characters getting bumped off!!!!!! :furious:
The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.
User avatar
black bart
Resident Weevil
 
Posts: 25876
Joined: Wed Sep 21, 2005 6:56 am
Location: London

Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby PKMKII on Sun Jun 09, 2013 2:16 am

A man and his wife were discussing what they thought their son might be when he grew up.

"I have an idea," said the father. He put a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. "If he takes the money he'll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey he'll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible that means he'll be a preacher."

So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they're hiding.

The boy saunters over to the coffee table. He picks up the ten-dollar bill, looks at it, then sets it down. He picks up the bottle of whiskey, uncorks it, sniffs it, then sets it down. Then he picks up the Bible, leafs through it, then sets it down.

Then the boy takes the money and stuffs it into his pocket, grabs the whiskey, and walks off with the Bible under his arm.

"Well how do you like that!" exclaims the father. "He's going to be a politician!"
"How is it that hardly any major religion has looked at science and concluded, 'This is better than we thought! The Universe is much bigger than our prophets said, grander, more subtle, more elegant. God must be even greater than we dreamed'? Instead they say, 'No, no, no! My god is a little god, and I want him to stay that way.'" - Carl Sagan

"To doubt everything or to believe everything are two equally convenient solutions; both dispense with the necessity of reflection." - Henri Poincaré
User avatar
PKMKII
Senior New York Correspondent
 
Posts: 10805
Joined: Wed Jan 14, 2009 6:13 pm
Location: Where the Sun don't shine

Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby pieces o'nine on Sun Jun 09, 2013 3:28 pm

^ :haha:
I will honor Monkey in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.
~Charles "Darwin" Dickens
User avatar
pieces o'nine
Look Upon Her Works, Ye Migyt, and Despair!
 
Posts: 8615
Joined: Fri Dec 21, 2007 9:21 am
Location: Ocean o'Sand

Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby PKMKII on Thu Jun 20, 2013 1:52 am

Craig Ferguson wrote:The last thing we want is a Glaswegian with nukes. "Dih yew look ah me? Dih yew look ah me!? GET TEH NEWKS!!! GET TEH NEWKS!!!"
"How is it that hardly any major religion has looked at science and concluded, 'This is better than we thought! The Universe is much bigger than our prophets said, grander, more subtle, more elegant. God must be even greater than we dreamed'? Instead they say, 'No, no, no! My god is a little god, and I want him to stay that way.'" - Carl Sagan

"To doubt everything or to believe everything are two equally convenient solutions; both dispense with the necessity of reflection." - Henri Poincaré
User avatar
PKMKII
Senior New York Correspondent
 
Posts: 10805
Joined: Wed Jan 14, 2009 6:13 pm
Location: Where the Sun don't shine

Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby black bart on Sun Jun 23, 2013 9:46 am

PKMKII wrote:
Craig Ferguson wrote:The last thing we want is a Glaswegian with nukes. "Dih yew look ah me? Dih yew look ah me!? GET TEH NEWKS!!! GET TEH NEWKS!!!"


:shocked: :shocked:

Tis too late...they build our nukes up in Scotland!
The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.
User avatar
black bart
Resident Weevil
 
Posts: 25876
Joined: Wed Sep 21, 2005 6:56 am
Location: London

Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby Roy Hunter on Sun Jun 23, 2013 10:12 am

black bart wrote:
PKMKII wrote:
Craig Ferguson wrote:The last thing we want is a Glaswegian with nukes. "Dih yew look ah me? Dih yew look ah me!? GET TEH NEWKS!!! GET TEH NEWKS!!!"


:shocked: :shocked:

Tis too late...they build our nukes up in Scotland!
Actually... no. They build our nuclear submarines at Barrow-In-Furness in Cumbria. The missiles are built in Arizona, New Mexico and Colorado, and we buy them from the Americans. The warheads are built in (I am led to believe) Nevada, and we lease them from the Americans.

I will recap that for the benefit of the hard of thinking: the UK does not own it's allegedly 'Independent' nuclear deterrent, it leases it from the Americans. The hollow mountain near Coulport where the US Navy used to store Pershing II warheads for the Holy Loch fleet is now empty, and our Trident warheads are sent back to the USA for service and repair.

No nuclear weapons capability in Scotland any more.
"I don't mean to sound bitter, cynical or cruel; but I am, so that's how it comes out." ~ Bill Hicks.
"To argue with a person who has renounced reason is like administering medicine to the dead." ~ Thomas Paine.
"One should not believe everything one reads on the internet." ~ Abraham Lincoln.
"If you're making a political point wearing a balaclava, you're a c***. It was true for the IRA and it's true now." ~ daftbeaker.
User avatar
Roy Hunter
If it's not Scottish, it's crap.
 
Posts: 15699
Joined: Sun Nov 09, 2008 6:13 pm
Location: It's the place where you are, but that's not important right now.

Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby black bart on Wed Jun 26, 2013 7:24 am

^Don't believe a word of that...the ginger haired buggers are going for independence and they HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN WILLIUM WALLACE!!!!

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"

He said: "Call for backup."
The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.
User avatar
black bart
Resident Weevil
 
Posts: 25876
Joined: Wed Sep 21, 2005 6:56 am
Location: London

Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby AFTERGLOW on Mon Jul 08, 2013 1:13 am

Dating Ads for Seniors found in a Florida Newspaper

These are actual ads seen in ''The Villages'' Florida newspaper.
-----------------------------------

FOXY LADY : Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim,
5'4' (used to be 5'6'). Searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing
companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT : Recent widow who has just buried fourth
husband, Looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness,
Fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

SERENITY NOW : I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean,
yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take
our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

WINNING SMILE : Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a
dedicated flosser To share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

BEATLES OR STONES ? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my
Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a
groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my
eight-track tapes.

MEMORIES : I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you
can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

And my personal favorite.......

MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932 model, high mileage, good condition,
some hair. Many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in
running condition, but walks well.
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrg..

Ahoy, me Hearties!
User avatar
AFTERGLOW
Commander of Cartoons
 
Posts: 2665
Joined: Fri Dec 09, 2005 4:25 pm
Location: HERE!

Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby AFTERGLOW on Fri Jul 12, 2013 12:53 pm

Why Ethel changed motels

Last week, Ethel checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit
lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone
books for escorts and sensual massages."

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling
himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo.

He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long
powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well oiled bum....
She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.
Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?

Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in,
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.
We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and
whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?"

He said,

"That sounds absolutely fantastic, but first you need to press 9 for an outside line."
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrg..

Ahoy, me Hearties!
User avatar
AFTERGLOW
Commander of Cartoons
 
Posts: 2665
Joined: Fri Dec 09, 2005 4:25 pm
Location: HERE!

Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby AFTERGLOW on Mon Jul 15, 2013 4:20 pm

The Right Reverend Doctor Billy Sol Hargus of the Gooey Death and Discount House of Worship said: At the end of my days I would like to have screwed myself into a coma and go to meet my maker with a big ‘ol shit eatin’ grin on my face. ~ Don Imus … (Paraphrased)
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrg..

Ahoy, me Hearties!
User avatar
AFTERGLOW
Commander of Cartoons
 
Posts: 2665
Joined: Fri Dec 09, 2005 4:25 pm
Location: HERE!

Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby AFTERGLOW on Mon Jul 15, 2013 4:22 pm

“I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so.

I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.

‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it... on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.

‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.

I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her. And she fainted.................
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrg..

Ahoy, me Hearties!
User avatar
AFTERGLOW
Commander of Cartoons
 
Posts: 2665
Joined: Fri Dec 09, 2005 4:25 pm
Location: HERE!

Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby AFTERGLOW on Fri Jul 19, 2013 5:13 pm

Rush Limbaugh claims he is now allowed to say the N-word. After hearing this, Paula Deen said, “Let me know how that works out for you.” – Conan
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrg..

Ahoy, me Hearties!
User avatar
AFTERGLOW
Commander of Cartoons
 
Posts: 2665
Joined: Fri Dec 09, 2005 4:25 pm
Location: HERE!

Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby AFTERGLOW on Fri Jul 19, 2013 5:16 pm

FYI: Republicans aren’t trying repealing all of Obamacare today, so they’re only repealing it for the 37.23th time. – LOLGOP
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrg..

Ahoy, me Hearties!
User avatar
AFTERGLOW
Commander of Cartoons
 
Posts: 2665
Joined: Fri Dec 09, 2005 4:25 pm
Location: HERE!

PreviousNext

Return to Games, Fun, and Jokes

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 3 guests