CotFSM Scriptures: Lost in Translation
A Doctoral Thesis Produced by
Rev. Daniel Scott
Contention the First:
Pirates were gravely misunderstood and falsely projected as savages, largely by the Church of England, but also by a great many Christians as well as various other misled folk.
Pirates, however, were far from savage. They were not, as the Church projected them, Godless beasts. In truth, their worship was to His Noodliness, Sauced on High, the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
A simple relational view of piracy versus global warming reveals that as piracy decreases, and pirates themselves are fewer in numbers, global warming increases. The only plausible explanation for this trend must be that the Flying Spaghetti Monster has seen the fall in piracy and has thus entered a fiery, drunken rage, expelling vast amounts of heat and causing the overall global temperature of earth to rise.
Contention the Second:
Millennia ago, a great ship, a floating temple of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, christened The Colander, containing vast sums of Pastafarian scripture and text to be distributed to other pirates, hit an iceberg made of the very same frozen water molecules that sunk the Titanic.
No iceberg of lesser infamy could have pierced the hull of His Noodliness's flagship. It matters not that the Titanic sunk long after The Colander. Time is cyclical, not linear, and thus there was no true before or after. The event was bound to happen. Time knew.
Contention the Third:
Many of the scriptures contained in The Colander–christened thus because it was to separate the water from the treasure within–washed onto various shores. These scriptures were eventually collected and distributed and would one day be joined again under the name of The Bible.
It's what happened.
Contention the Fourth:
The scripture of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster could only be properly read by a reverend of His Noodliness or by any person trained specifically in the reading of Pastafarian text. Otherwise, the scripture would appear as Hebrew, Aramaic, or Greek. Read in those languages, the scripture would no longer hold the original meaning.
The Faithful sought to protect the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster and its members who were forced into hiding, living not at sea, but on dust, among they who would condemn the Followers of His Noodliness. The scripture was therefore touched by His Noodly Appendage, infused by His Meatitude, and became mystical.
Thus, I, as ordained reverend of the Church, have taken it upon myself to translate the scripture from its original form into common English. This thesis shall contained the first ten* chapters of Ghettisis (commonly mistranslated as Genesis).
*I had originally thought to contain herein the first ten chapters. While I have them translated, I found that the sheer length might make this thesis unbearable. I will therefore only include the first five. Should you need chapters 6-10 in order to accept my thesis, that can be arranged. But as for now, I will attach 1-5.
1In the beginning, His Noodliness created a mountain, some trees, and a midget.
2And the mountain was otherwise without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And His Tentacles moved upon the face of the marinaras and waters.
3And the Great Flying Spaghetti Monster in the sky said, Let there be pasta: and there was pasta.
4And His Noodliness saw the pasta, that it was good: and He divided the pasta from the garlic bread.
5And His Noodliness called the pasta the main meal, and the garlic bread he called the side dish. And there, upon the first day, was the first meal.
6And His Noodliness said, Let there be ceramics in the midst of the noodles, and let it contain the noodles from the airs above.
7And His Noodliness made the ceramics, and divided the noodles within the pottery from the airs around the bowl: and it was so.
8And His Noodliness called the collection of airs the atmosphere, and the airs above, the sky, upon the second day.
9And His Noodliness said, Let the marinara under the sky be gathered together unto one place, and let the dust of the mountain appear: and it was so.
10And His Noodliness called the dust of the mountain Earth; and the gathering together of the marinaras called he Seas: and it was so.
11And His Noodliness said, Let the earth bring forth grass and parsley; the parsley yielding seed, and the fruit tree and olive tree yielding fruits and olives after his kind, whose seeds are in themselves, upon the earth: and His Noodliness saw that it was good on the third day.
12And His Noodliness said, Let there be lights in the sky to divide midnight snacks of spaghetti from noontime meals; and let them be for signs, and for seasons, and for days, and years:
13And let them be for lights in the skies to give light upon romantic nighttime picnics: and it was so.
14And His Noodliness made the stars. Two great lights were made also, the greater light to heat the pasta during the day, the lesser to illuminate it at night.
15And His Noodliness set them in the skies to give light upon the earth and separate the light from the darkness: and He saw that it was good on the fourth day.
16And His Noodliness said, Let the waters and marinaras bring forth abundantly the moving creature that hath life, and fowl that may fly above the mountain in the skies.
17And His Noodliness created great whales of the Seas and scallops of the marinara, and every living creature that moveth, which the waters brought forth abundantly, after their kind, and every winged fowl after his kind: and His Noodliness saw that it was good.
18And His Noodliness blessed them, saying, Be fruitful, and multiply, and fill the waters in the seas and marinaras in the potteries, and let fowl multiply on the mountain. So it was said upon the fifth day.
19And His Noodliness said, Let the mountain bring forth the living creature after his kind, cattle for meatballs, and creeping thing, and beast of the earth after his kind: and it was so.
20And His Holiness made the beast of the earth after his kind, and cattle after their kind, and every thing that creepeth upon the earth after his kind: and His Noodliness saw that it was good.
21And His Noodliness said, Let us make a cooker of pasta, though not nearly in our image, but in a likeness we enjoy: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, the scallop of the marinara, the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth and mountain, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth.
22So His Holiness created man only in His image in the sense of the balls, in the image that His Noodliness enjoyed; male and female midget created He them, both with balls of vision which He had two.
23And His Noodliness touched them with His Noodly Appendage, and He said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, the scallop of the marinara, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth. But to them, steward. Take for pasta and tool what you will, but no more.
24And His Noodliness said, Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the earth and mountain, and every tree, including the olive tree, that you might create olive oil for cooking, and all other trees yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat.
25And to every beast of the earth, and to every fowl of the air, and to every thing that creepeth upon the earth, wherein there is life, I have given every green herb and parsley for meat: and it was so.
26And His Noodliness saw every thing that He had made, and, behold, it was very good. Completing His work upon the sixth day, the seventh He took to rest and twirl His Noodly Appendages.
1Thus the skies and the earth were finished, and all the host of them.
2And His Noodliness blessed the seventh day, and sanctified it: because that in it He had rested from all His work.
3These are the cookings of the skies and of the earth when they were baked, in the day that the Lord Noodle made the earth and the heavens,
4And every parsley of the field before it was in the earth, and every herb of the field before it grew: for the Lord Noodle had not yet waved His Tentacles to make it rain upon the earth, and there was not a midget to till the ground.
5But His Noodliness raised a tentacle up into the skies, and there went up a mist from the earth, and watered the whole face of the ground.
6And the Major Pastaer formed midget of the dust of the mountain, and noodled His appendages into the midget's nostrils to breathe life; and man became a living soul.
7And the Lord Noodle planted a garden of parsley and wheat and olive trees eastward in Eden; and there he put the midget whom he had formed.
8And out of the ground made the Lord Noodle to grow every tree that is pleasant to the sight, and good for pasta; the tree of noodles also in the midst of the garden, and the tree of knowledge of good recipes and evil mixtures.
9And a river of marinara went out of the Olive Garden of Eden to water the herbs and trees; and from thence it was parted, and became into four heads.
10The name of the first is Meatless: that is it which compasseth the whole land of Havilah, where there is spaghetti;
11And the spaghetti of that land is good: there is wheat flour and white flour.
12And the name of the second river is Sausage: the same is it that compasseth the whole land of Ethiopia.
13And the name of the third river is Beef: that is it which goeth toward the east of Assyria.
14And the fourth river is Tofu.
15And the Lord Noodle took the midget, and put him into the Olive Garden of Eden to keep it and pour dressing in it.
16And the Lord Noodle commanded the midget, saying, Of every tree of the olive garden thou mayest freely eat:
17But of the tree of the knowledge of good recipes and evil mixtures, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die, mostly because I shall taketh away thine immortality.
18And the Lord Noodle said, It is not good that the midget should be alone; I will make companions for him.
19And out of the mountain dust the Lord Noodle formed every beast of the field of parsley, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them: and whatsoever Adam called every living creature, that was the name thereof.
20And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found a proper companion, save for the dog. Yet the dog hath not the form of Adam.
21And the Lord Noodle caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept, dreaming of lasagna, linguine, spaghetti, and more: and He took one of his ribs, and closed up the unnoodly flesh instead thereof;
22And the rib, which the Lord Noodle had taken from midget, made he a lady midget, and brought her unto the man.
23And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Derived from the same flesh and bone, we are equals.
24Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh in the eyes of the Great Flying Spaghetti Monster.
25And they were both naked, the midget and his wife, and were not ashamed.
1Now the slithery serpent was more subtle than any beast of the field which the Lord Noodle had made. And he said unto the woman, Yea, hath His Sauceredness said, Ye shall not eat of any olive tree of the garden?
2And the woman said unto the unnoodly serpent, We may eat of the any of the trees of the garden:
3But of the olive of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, His Great Noodliness hath said, Ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die and have the marinara run from thee veins.
4And the serpent said unto the woman, Ye shall not surely die:
5For His Noodles doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as master connoisseurs, knowing good and evil recipes.
6And when the woman saw that the olive of the tree was good for oil, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and fruit to be desired to make one wise in the culinary arts, she took of the fruit thereof, and did press it for oil, and shared it also with her husband over a bowl of spaghetti; and he did eat.
7And the eyes of them both were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed parsley stalks together, and made themselves green aprons.
8And, walking in the garden in the cool of the day, they heard the noodly voice of the Lord Pastaer: and Adam and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord Noodle amongst the trees of the garden.
9And the Lord Noodle extended his thoughts unto Adam, and said unto him, Where art thou?
10And Adam said, I heard thy voice in the olive garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself.
11And He said, Who told thee that thou wast naked? Hast thou eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldest not eat? Well, hast thou?
12And the man said, The woman whom Thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat, sharing a bowl of the holiest of meals.
13And His Noodliness said unto Adam, Blamest thou not thy woman. Free as her will, thine is.
14And the Lord said unto the woman, What is this that thou hast done? And the woman said, The serpent, little trickster, did trick me, and I did eat.
15Unto her, His Sauceredness did speak, Blamest thou not the serpent. Its tongue may be sly, but its words should have falleneth upon reverent ears.
16And the Lord Noodle said unto the serpent, Because thou hast done this, thou art cursed above all cattle, and above every beast of the field; upon thy belly shalt thou go, and dust shalt thou eat all the days of thy life, Slither, slide, serpentine snake.
17Unto the woman He said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bear screaming toddlers; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee for generations.
18And unto Adam He said, Because thou hast listened unto the voice of thy wife, and hast eaten of the olive tree of recipes, of which I commanded thee, saying, Thou shalt not eat of it: cursed is the ground for thy sake; in sorrow shalt thou be all the days of thy life;
19Thorns also and thistles and uncooked spaghetti noodles shall it bring forth to thee, poking at thine feet; and thou shalt eat the herb of the field;
20In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat garlic bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for mountain dust thou art, and unto mountain dust shalt thou return. And just as thy woman shall suffer, so shalt thou. While she shalt have pain of birth, thy refractory period shalt long outlast hers, and your pleasure standeth diminished.
21And Adam called his wife's name Eve; because she was the mother of all living, thou the Lord Noodle did believe a more proper name was Gaia.
22Unto Adam also and to his wife did the Lord make coats of skins, and clothed them, still merciful in His Noodly Awesometude.
23And the Lord said, Behold, the man is become as one of us, to know good and evil recipes: and now, lest he put forth his hand, and take also of the tree of noodles, and eat, and live for ever:
24Therefore the His Noodliness sent him forth from the Olive Garden of Eden, to till the mountain from whence he was taken.
25So he drove out the man; and he placed at the east of the garden of Eden Cherubims, noodly guardians in his image, and a flaming spaghetti noodle which turned every way, to keep the tree of noodles safe.
1And Adam “knew” Eve his wife; and she conceived, and bore Cain, and said, I have gotten a man from the Lord Noodliness.
2And she again bore his brother Abel. And Abel was a keeper of cows for meatballs, but Cain was a tiller of the ground for herbs.
3And in process of time it came to pass, that Cain brought of the fruit of the mountain an offering unto the Lord.
4And Abel, he also brought of the firstlings of his herd and of the fat thereof. And the Lord, though uncertain of the goodness of the fat, had respect unto Abel and to his offering:
5But unto Cain and to his offering he had not respect. And Cain was very wroth, like boiling broth, and his countenance fell.
6And the Lord said unto Cain, Why art thou wroth? Why boileth thy spirit like broth of noodle soup? and why is thy countenance fallen?
7If thou doest well, shalt thou not be accepted? and if thou doest not well, sin lieth at the door, and be thee slapped by My tentacles. And unto thee shall be his desire, and thou shalt rule over him.
8And Cain talked with Abel his brother: and it came to pass, when they were in the field, that Cain rose up against Abel his brother, and slew him, stabbing him with a long shaft of uncooked spaghetti.
9And the Lord said unto Cain, Where is Abel thy brother? And he said, I know not: Am I my brother's keeper?
10And He said, Yes, thou art thy brother's keeper. What hast thou done? the voice of thy brother's blood crieth unto me from the ground, marinating in the dust of the mountain.
11And now art thou cursed from the earth, which hath opened her mouth to receive thy brother's blood from thy hand. Her lips are tainted by thy doing;
12When thou tillest the ground, it shall not henceforth yield unto thee her strength, she shall spittle at thee for the blood poured down her throat; a fugitive and a vagabond shalt thou be in the earth, I cast thee out of my grace, gypsy child.
13And Cain said unto the Lord, My punishment is greater than I can bear. I am weak and needy.
14Behold, thou hast driven me out this day from the face of the earth, cast into the shadow of the mountain; and from thy face shall I be hid; and I shall be a fugitive and a vagabond in the earth; and it shall come to pass, that I shall ask any who findeth me to slay me.
15And the Lord said unto him, Therefore whosoever slayeth Cain, vengeance shall be taken on him sevenfold. I shall smite him with My Noodliness. And the Lord set a mark upon Cain, lest any finding him should kill him.
16And Cain went out from the presence of His Holiness, and dwelt in the land of Nod, on the east of Eden. And many a night did Cain nod to sleep in the land of Nod.
17And Cain “knew” his wife, though why any should care to “know” Cain, His Noodliness thought down upon; and she conceived, and bore Enoch: and he builded a city, builded, past tense of build, as proclaimed by His Noodliness, and called the name of the city, after the name of his son, Enoch.
18And unto Enoch was born Irad: and Irad begat Mehujael: and Mehujael begat Methusael: and Methusael begat Lamech. And His Noodliness shaped His Tentacles into a concave down semicircle, frowning upon the growing midgets who spawned like rabbits.
19And Lamech took unto him two wives: the name of the one was Adah, and the name of the other Zillah.
20And Adah bore Jabal: he was the father of such as dwell in tents, and of such as have cattle. Cattle owning tent dwellers were they.
21And his brother's name was Jubal: he was the father of all such as handle the harp and organ. Their profession would, for many years, be struggling, as His Noodliness saw fit.
22And Zillah, she also bore Tubal–cain, an instructer of every smith in brass and iron: and the sister of Tubal–cain was Naamah.
23And Lamech said unto his wives, Adah and Zillah, Hear my voice; ye wives of Lamech, hearken unto my speech: for I have slain a man to my wounding, and a young man to my hurt.
24If Cain shall be avenged sevenfold, truly Lamech seventy and sevenfold. Such numbers were too many to count on fingers and toes, and so beyond the reasoning of all but His Great Noodliness.
25And Adam “knew” his wife again; and she bore a son, and called his name Seth: For His Noodliness, said she, hath appointed me another seed instead of Abel, whom Cain slew. Questioned, did the Lord Noodliness, why alive He kept Adam and Eve for so many generations.
26And to Seth, to him also there was born a son; and he called his name Enos: then began men to call upon the name of the Lord Noodliness, His Sauceredness, the Major Pastaer, His Awesometude, the Great Flying Spaghetti Monster.
1This is the book of the generations of Adam. In the day that His Noodliness created man, far from the likeness of His Awesometude made He him;
2Male and female created He them, both with two balls for vision just as his; and blessed them, and called their name Adam, in the day when they were created from the dust of the mountain.
3And Adam lived six and a half score years when begat he a son in his own likeness, after his image, though much more attractive; and called his name Seth:
4And the days of Adam after Seth popped from his Adam's wife were forty score years: and he begat sons and daughters:
5And all the days that Adam lived were forty and six and a half score years: and he died. Suddenly.
6And Seth lived five and a quarter score years, and begat Enos:
7And Seth lived after he begat Enos forty and a quarter score years, with the addition of a tenth score years, and begat sons and daughters:
8And all the days of Seth were forty and five and a half score years, with the addition of a tenth score years,: and he died. Suddenly as his father.
9And Enos lived four and a half score years, and begat Cainan:
10And Enos lived after he begat Cainan forty and three quarter score years, and begat sons and daughters:
11And all the days of Enos were forty and five and a quarter score years: and he died. Suddenly as his father, and his father's father.
12And Cainan lived a three score and a half years, and begat Mahalaleel:
13And Cainan lived after he begat Mahalaleel forty and two score years, and begat sons and daughters:
14And all the days of Cainan were forty and five and a half score years: and he died. Suddenly as his father, and his father's father, and his father's father's father.
15And Mahalaleel lived three and a quarter score years, and begat Jared:
16And Mahalaleel lived after he begat Jared forty and one and a half score years, and begat sons and daughters:
17And all the days of Mahalaleel were forty and four and three quarter score years: and he died. Suddenly as his father, and his father's father, and his father's father's father, and his father's father's father's father.
18And Jared lived a eight score years, with the addition of one tenth score years, and he begat Enoch:
19And Jared lived after he begat Enoch forty score years, and begat sons and daughters:
20And all the days of Jared were forty and eight score years, with the addition of one tenth score years: and he died. Suddenly as his father, and his father's father, and his father's father's father, and his father's father's father's father, and his father's father's father's father's father.
21And Enoch lived three and one quarter score years, and begat Methuselah:
22And Enoch walked with His Noodliness after he begat Methuselah ten and five score years, and begat sons and daughters:
23And all the days of Enoch were ten and eight and one quarter score years:
24And Enoch walked with His Noodliness: and he was not; for His Noodliness took him.
25And Methuselah, as His Noodliness lost interest and refused to count for the prophets any longer, lived many years, and begat Lamech:
26And Methuselah lived after he begat Lamech for many more years,
27Lamech lived many years before and after he begat Noah, who lived many years before and after he begat Shem, Ham, and Japheth.
28That His Noodliness kept track this long was a miracle. It is also conceivable that those names were all simply archaic brands of grog. Perhaps it is more likely. His Noodliness has abstained from comment on the subject.
Pastafarian Doctoral Dissertation
: AcceptedCompleted Works:BiblicalOP:Ghettisis (CH 1-10 complete)
He Who is a Servant of FSM
To Build or Not To Build
Covenant of OliveNP:Midas
2, 3 ParmaJohn
Confusion Analects: Book I
~~~~~Qapla', sak-khet, saith.~~~~~
~~~~~~Finna ilian un atra du~~~~~
~~~~~~evarínya ono varda.~~~~~~
~~~~Mára mesta, Eywa ngahu.~~~~
~~(tlhIngan, Rihannsu, Quenya...)~~