Tbe book Barney
During the life time of Chris Shingle a man named Barney Simpson was given birth. He was anointed and appointed by the holy noodly one to do a good work and to prophesy among the pirate groups. It was given to him the power to heal the sick, to raise the dead, and to materialize holy foods that those in starvation may be filled.
In the beginning was the Sauce, and the sauce was with the Pasta, and the sauce was Pasta, and the Sauce became flesh. The man grew up right and was taught the ways of the law, and was given a holy mission to fulfill. At age 18 he began his ministry.
He preached a sermon of righteousness and of the kingdom to come. One day he was chosen to read a text from the holy book of Caraboo, a book, which remains yet to be recovered. It was written by a well-enlightened pirate name Caraboo who was appoint by his great noodleness to foretell the coming of someone who would free the pirates from a great oppressor, the great nation of doo-doo cockaroni.
The nation of doo-doo cockaroni at the time had ruled much of the world along with the Roman Empire, in fact, the doodyans were so advanced that they only tricked the Romans into believing they were in control, when in fact they were in control. The doo-doo cockaronians were literally lumps of humanoid shape crap with an intelligent mind. They ascended from the hell that the Flying Spaghetti monster unwillingly created for a very select few of people that could not be accepted into his coming kingdom.
Anyway, Barney read from the book of Caraboo, â€œR, I be tellen yet that there is a man coming r. He gona free us from all tis crap r. We ainâ€™t gona be controlled by these doo-doo head no mores r. We gona be free r. He gona come once, come again, and then his kingdom shall never end. R. He gona be a teacher, then they gona stone him to death, cuz he wouldnâ€™t eat the unholy cheeses. Then his father shall appoint a man after his death to find the most holyist of holy cheses. R.â€
As Barney read to the pirates, he spoke up and said, â€œR, I be tellen you that this prophesy is fulfilled R. I am the Flying Spaghetti Monster who was and is and who be coming. I gona be freeing you from the doo-doo cockaronians, and invisible anti â€“ force that be makin people do bad stuffs and eat all kinds of unholy crap.â€
When the other pirates heard this, they were upheld. They began to say, â€œR who is this Jackass that be telling us he is the Flying Spaghetti Monster. The flesh is unholy and unclean. R he be sayin that the Flying Spaghetti Monster took on human form. Preposterous, future generations will hear this story and will not even be believing it. Oh yea, R. â€œ
They began to throw their holy books at him and drove him out of the city of Piratu with swords. One them actually tried to jump up and whack him with his wig wager. While raging, one of the pirates hands was actually cut off, and everyone began to rush to him. Barney came up to him and said, â€œU will be beliven me now.â€
He stretched out his hand and touched the man and said, â€œR, I be the Flying Spaghetti Monster, I gona be make you a new hand out of Spaghettiâ€ Then he took the manâ€™s arm and stretched it out towards the sky. Instantly a fog a steam began to swirl at the end of the fog, and grain began to materials. And intertwined hand of Spaghetti formed, and finally became flesh. The crowd was astonished.
One pirate began to say, â€œHe be a doo-doo cockaroni, a shef boy r de man. The anti-FSM. Tat be why he can do that.â€
When Barney heard this he was rather pissed and replied, â€œYe jackass, I be telling you, how can chef boy r de be making a hand out of spaghetti, only the holy one can be doin that ya know. Chef boy r de makes crap out of chef boy r de, and I being that I am the FSM, I be makin it out of Spaghetti.â€
When the crowd heard this half walked away, and a fifth ran up to him and began to kiss his ass and his feat. They picked him up and carried him all over the place shouting, â€œtis man can heal the sick, we be bringin him to eryone to heal.â€
So they found two men who had been constipated for years. They were pleading for help. They yelled, â€œR be helping me please, I ainâ€™t been crappin for 2 year yea yea.â€ Then Barney said, â€œR, u be believing I can do tis to ya R?â€ â€œYes pleaseâ€ the man replied. Instantly a noodle came out of the sky and went up the manâ€™s ass, and diluted the crap so it could flow.
Another pirate called out and said, â€œR what good tis man be doin? All he did was be given him diarea R.â€
Barney replied, â€œSTFU. Your going to hell for not believing.â€
Pirates began to come and question Barney. One man asked him, â€œR is u da flyin spaghetti monsta r, then y u all fleshy like us r.â€
Then the Flying Spaghetti Monster spoke from heaven and said, â€œThis is my remote control human being, see my Nintendo game cube controller right here? I use him to preach to you cuz I didnâ€™t really feel like appointen a prophet.â€
Then Barney spoke and said, â€œR I have come to be fullfillen a mission. Ya see, it ainâ€™t time to free ya yet, I gona do dat after yall kill me. Cuz all ye be doin is killin a robot. He he. I still in heaven with my lil game cube.â€
Barney healed the sick and the blind, the mute and the deaf for years and years. Eventually everyone got tired of it. One man took it for granted so much he tried to do it himself, and because he believed it worked, but only because he did it in the name of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Later this believer whoâ€™s name was Chris Shingle, became a great figure in FSM history.
One day barney was preaching among a crowed of 10,000. This is the serman he preached.
â€œR, one day I gona be makin everythin out a spaghetti. Then it gona be a feast till the end of time. Yall comin with me if ya promise not to kill no one. Ya still something, tas ok. You smack someone around, eh, I guess its ok. But ya kill someone, I gona kill u. Oh yea, R.
Ya better not be precluding people to eat pasta, yo dem da niggas. Ya gotto let them eat it. Is healthy and is da holy food of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, who is me controlin this hear robot tat u see.
So anyways, I be telling u.
No be killing.
No be stealing.
No be blaspheming against the noodly one.
No be eaten shef boy r de.
No be masterbatin without prayen for a good ejaculation first.
No be eatin pig without pasta.
No be eatin pasta without sauce.
No be eatin sauce without meatballs.
No be eatin the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
No be doin this, and that.
But if ya doin anyway, o well. Just doin be killen R. R if ya R be R killen R, R you gona goto hell and tat place is rated R. Ya be hearing? R?
If someone be comin up ta ya offering ya some pasta, donâ€™t take it. Just be saying to him he should eat it. Yes yes, it is betta tat ya starve for another man ta be saved, then fo u ta be eatin it like a greedy pig, and be banned from the stripper factory up there.
R, someone great be coming before the Kingdom, his name be boby, and he gona be resurrecting the belief in my name. Cuz yall gona forget, then I gona have to burn yall down. No body gona know you was eva hear, till boby comes. Then million will believe. Ten the pasta wonâ€™t be far from the earth, and the kingdom gona be nigh.
R one a these days they be people thinking I am a dinasour. Râ€¦.â€
Barney preached for 7 hours, and the people began to get hungry. So he picked 10 people from the crowed and said, â€œr, pull some noodles out a me ass and feed it to da people.â€ So they began to pool spaghetti out of the manâ€™s ass, and fill huge bowls with it. It was enough for everyone. They all ate and were sastified.
Barney was on his way to another city when was stabed, beaten, smaked across the head, stoned, and killed.â€ What he taught in that serman shook the people like crazy. They were compelled to do the will of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. His coming opened the door for many prophets, like Cris, Josaphinus, and Penustious.
One day, the Flying Spaghetti Monster will descend onto the earth, and it will become fruitful with Spaghetti and meatballs, and he will establish a kingdom that will never end.
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